18. KO
“Why don’t we sit?” Dr. Sy led us over to the sitting area I’d prepared for our date.
The three plush chairs and an end table sat right in the middle of the rose garden.
I figured if I was going to bring Lyrius to therapy for our first date, I’d better had made the shit romantic.
When I called Dr. Sy and told him what I needed, he didn’t even hesitate.
He just told me to send him the address.
This man had been helping me unpack my shit for years, ever since I was a teenager.
It was Mom and Pops’ idea that both Jaylen and I got counseling when we came to live with them.
They said we would need it if we were ever going to be productive human beings in society.
I didn’t understand it as a sixteen-year-old, but after the incident, I ran my ass back to Dr. Sy a couple times, because this shit with Lyrius was a lot to unpack.
“Good to see you again, Dakota.” Dr. Sy settled into the chair across from us and smiled.
“Thanks for doing this,” I replied, making sure Lyrius was comfortable in her chair before taking a seat myself.
Flying Dr. Sy out to Shoreline for the night was costing me damn near ten grand after travel, hotel, and the botanical garden rental.
But honestly, I would’ve paid double, because Lyrius and I were trying to create a loving family for our son, which was worth investing in.
“So.” Dr. Sy looked between us. His eyes landed on me first. “You finally brought her.”
“Already starting?” I groaned.
“Absolutely.” Dr. Sy smiled. “Last time I saw you, you spent forty-five minutes explaining why you never wanted to see this woman again.”
“Yeah, that was then.”
Dr. Sy nodded. “And now?”
“Now we have a son.” My eyes landed on Lyrius.
“That son the only reason you’re here?”
“Nah. I want to forgive her.” I looked at Lyrius. “We want to try again.”
“Okay, let’s start with something simple.” The look on Dr. Sy’s face changed, and I could tell he was about to get down to business.
“When something traumatic happens, our brains try to protect us. Sometimes we do that by creating a story that helps us make sense of what happened.” He looked between Lyrius and me and set his notebook on his knee. “The problem is that the story isn’t always true.”
My jaw tightened because I already knew where this was going.
“Dakota,” he said, looking at me, “what belief did you carry about Lyrius?”
I leaned back in my chair, immediately knowing the answer. These last few years, I’d convinced myself Lyrius wasn’t real, not the woman I loved, anyway. The woman I loved and the woman who set me up couldn’t possibly be the same person.
“I told myself everything was a game,” I said. “I told myself she played a role.” My eyes found Lyrius again. “Told myself the girl I loved never existed.” Silence settled around us for a second, and Dr. Sy scribbled in his notebook.
“And what do you believe now?”
“She was scared.” I shrugged. “She made a terrible decision out of survival.”
Lyrius’s eyes immediately dropped with shame, and Dr. Sy nodded before turning toward her.
“And what belief have you carried about yourself?” Dr. Sy looked toward Lyrius.
“That I ruin everything.” She closed her eyes immediately.
“And what makes you believe that?”
“Where do you want me to start?”
“Anywhere.”
“I got him shot.” Her voice cracked. “I lied. I ran. I kept Dakoda from him.” I glanced at her. She’d been carrying a lot, and even with all she’d done, I still wanted to comfort her.
“And now?” Dr. Sy asked gently.
“I don’t think I deserve a happily ever after.”
Fuck. That one got me.
“Why?” Dr. Sy leaned forward slightly.
“Because people like me never get those.” The answer came immediately, and Dr. Sy was quiet for a second. Then he leaned back in his chair.
“People like you? Care to elaborate?”
“People who make bad decisions.” Lyrius shrugged. “People who rob and steal and hurt people they love.”
I hated hearing her talk about herself like that. It was like she’d spent years collecting evidence and building a case against herself.
“Do you believe people should spend the rest of their lives paying for their worst mistake?”
“I don’t know.” Lyrius hesitated. “When they hurt people, I guess . . . I knew why I was there.” Her eyes dropped. “I knew what they wanted from him. I didn’t know every detail, but I could’ve told him.” Her voice cracked. “I could’ve warned him. But I didn’t, and he got shot.”
I sat there staring at Dr. Sy and then back at Lyrius. Dr. Sy knew the story. He was the only person who I’d confided in. He was the only person who helped me pick up my pieces.
“And what sentence have you given yourself for that?” he asked her.
“What?” Lyrius frowned.
“You’ve clearly convicted yourself already. What’s the sentence?” The question caught her off guard. Hell, it caught me off guard.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I think you do.”
She thought about it for a minute, then finally opened her mouth. “I guess being alone.”
“Interesting.”
“How?”
Dr. Sy looked at her for a moment. “Because your punishment has nothing to do with what happened that night.” His eyes softened. “You made a mistake, Lyrius. You should’ve told him. You should’ve warned him. You know that.”
“I do.” She nodded.
“But that’s not the whole story. From what I was told, you jumped in front of a gun for him.
You also called 911. You stayed long enough to save his life.
” I looked over at Lyrius, and she was crying, probably the hardest she’d cried since this session began.
“You can make a terrible mistake and still be a person worthy of love. Accountability says, I made a mistake.” His eyes lifted back to hers. “Punishment says I am the mistake.”
I wanted to say something, but I just sat there watching Lyrius, thinking about everything she’d told me about her past. Lyrius wasn’t struggling to forgive herself for what happened.
She’d already decided she wasn’t worth forgiving.
Somewhere along the way, she’d stopped believing she deserved good things.
She was still that teenage girl who learned how to survive before she learned how to trust. She’d learned how to run before she learned how to stay.
“Lyrius is carrying guilt.” Dr. Sy interrupted my thoughts. “You’re carrying pain.” His eyes landed on me. “Neither one of you can heal if you’re still living in the same moment.”
The words settled over both of us, and we just sat there quietly.
“Let’s try something.” Dr. Sy set his notebook down. “We’re gonna do a trust exercise.”
“What kind of exercise?” I immediately didn’t like this shit. Dr. Sy’s exercises always led to a damn confession or some shit.
“A simple one.” He pointed between us. “Turn your chairs and face each other.”
Lyrius and I exchanged a look before doing what he asked. The second we turned, our knees almost touched.
“Here’s what I want.” Dr. Sy glanced at his watch. “For the next minute, neither one of you may talk.”
“Easy.” Lyrius smirked.
“No jokes either, Dakota.”
I gasped as Lyrius giggled. “Damn.”
“Just look at each other.” He pulled out his phone. “One minute.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.” He started the timer. At first, it was awkward.
Lyrius smiled. I smiled back. Then she laughed, and I laughed back.
Then one minute turned into what seemed like three hours.
And then, it was just her staring into my eyes, and all I could see was the first woman besides my foster mom to love me.
The woman I’d spent years trying to hate. The woman I’d never stopped wanting.
A tear slipped down her cheek as she gazed at me and then another.
I didn’t even hesitate. I just leaned forward and swiped them away with my thumb.
She didn’t stop me, just kept staring at me.
And for a second, I swore I could see everything she wasn’t saying, all the things she’d been carrying around by herself.
And all I knew was that I didn’t want her carrying the shit alone anymore.
“Interesting.” Dr. Sy smiled, and the timer finally beeped. Neither one of us moved.
“What?” I asked.
“You two have a lot of love between you.” I nodded because I agreed. “More importantly,” he continued, “you both want this to work.”
“Is that a good place to start?” Lyrius glanced at him.
“That’s a great place to start.” He leaned forward in his chair. “I think y’all gonna be alright. Now, I also think y’all should keep seeing me.”
“That wouldn’t have nothing to do with your hourly rate, would it?”
“Maybe.” Dr. Sy laughed, and Lyrius did too.
“I’m serious, though. Y’all still got a lot to unpack.
” His eyes moved between us. “But I think y’all are moving in the right direction.
” He reached into his bag, pulled out a business card, and handed it to Lyrius.
“This is my wife. She specializes in women’s counseling.
If you’re up to it, I think you should see her. ”
Lyrius stared at the card for a minute and then at me.
“Couples therapy is one thing, but independent healing is another,” he said.
“I’ll think about it.” Lyrius looked down at the card for another second before sliding it into her purse.
“Good.” Dr. Sy stood. “My assistant will reach out this week to get your next session on the books.” He looked at us. “Until then, try not to create any new trauma.”
“I ain’t making no promises,” I joked as we all stood. “Appreciate you coming out.” I extended my hand and Dr. Sy shook it.
“Appreciate you flying me out,” he replied.
“Y’all gonna be alright.” Dr. Sy looked between us one last time before shaking his head. Neither one of us responded, but for the first time in a long time, I think we both believed it.
“This is our first date.” Lyrius gasped as I pulled the takeout containers from the back seat. We were parked at the only beach in Shoreline that allowed cars. The sun had long ago set, and we seemed to be the only people out tonight.
“No it isn’t.” I smirked. I was fucking with her.
This was absolutely our first date. Back then, I’d pulled up to her apartment two days after meeting her and told her to get in.
We spent hours driving around the city before ending up at a little ducked-off spot near the beach.
There’d been a guy selling sushi rolls from a cart nearby.
Lyrius wanted some, so I bought them, and we sat on top of my car talking about everything.
That was the night I realized she was different—made for me.
I’d gone back and forth thousands of times, trying to decide if that night had been real or just a part of the game she was playing, but I decided it didn’t matter, because it had been real to me.
“I can’t believe you remember it,” she said. The smile in her voice damn near got me.
“Of course I do.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “It was the night I decided you were gonna be mine.”
Her eyebrows lifted. “Oh, really? You decided that soon?”
“Yep.”
Lyrius laughed as she climbed onto the hood of my car.
“Careful,” I said, and her eyes narrowed.
“Excuse me?”
“Just making sure my truck survives all that thickness.” I grinned.
“If you can handle all these curves, your truck should be just fine.” She motioned toward herself before climbing onto the hood.
I laughed and admired the damn view. Lyrius had always been a big girl.
Thick thighs, soft curves, all the shit I liked.
Hell, her curves had been the main reason I got caught up in her in the first place.
And judging by the smirk she shot me over her shoulder, she knew it too. I climbed onto the hood beside her.
“I know we said we’re starting fresh,” I said, settling beside her, “but I figured some things from the past were perfect just the way they were.” The look she gave me hit harder than I expected.
“You trying to make me cry again, aren’t you?”
“Nah.” I reached over and nudged her knee. “I just wanted our fresh start to be perfect.” For a second, she didn’t say anything. She just stared out at the water as the waves rolled against the sand while the breeze drifted through her curls.
“Well,” she finally said, “tonight has been perfect.” I smiled, proud of myself. “All of it. The gardens. Therapy. This.” She looked over at me. “Thank you.”
“You ain’t gotta thank me for treating you right.”
“But I do.” Something in her voice made me look at her.
“It’s been so long since somebody poured back into me.
” My chest tightened, and Lyrius pulled her feet beneath her body and stared out at the water again.
“I could do this forever. Sit on top of a car and just be Lyrius.” I watched her profile.
The small smile on her face. The peace in her eyes.
And I don’t think I’d ever seen her this relaxed and carefree.
“Oh my God!” Lyrius nearly jumped.
“What?”
“This is my song.” A grin spread across my face as Babyface’s “Never Keeping Secrets” floated through the speakers, and Lyrius immediately grabbed her drink and started using it as a microphone and singing at the top of her lungs.
I couldn’t help laughing. She made sure to emphasize every lyric about lying.
Every lyric about apologizing. Every lyric about making things right.
And if I was being a hundred, the longer I listened, the more it felt like Babyface had written this shit specifically for us.
“Are you listening?” she demanded between lyrics. “He’s singing this for us.”
I nodded my head, but I couldn’t stop smiling. Maybe he was. The chorus came on, and Lyrius threw her head back and belted the high note so hard she almost fell off the damn truck.
“Okay! Okay! Okay!” I reached out and grabbed her arm. “Babyface Junior. Eat your food.”
She laughed before finally dropping back down beside me.
Then her smile faded, not completely, but just enough for something else to take its place.
“Oh, I’m gonna eat,” she muttered, and my eyebrows lifted. “But this food is the furthest thing from my mind.” Before I could respond, she swung a leg across my lap.
“Bad.” I laughed out her nickname, but she was already moving, already sliding down my torso, taking my pants with her. Already gripping my dick with both of her hands before popping it in her mouth.
“Damn, Lyrius,” I moaned as she shoved me deep into the back of her throat right there on the hood of my car. “You do not know how much I missed this shit.” I slid my hands into her curls as she sucked and slurped. Every nerve ending in my body lit up as I threw my hips upward.
“Damn, baby!” The gagging sounds mixed with the sounds of the water put me over the edge. I pulled Lyrius’s head from my dick. I was ready to dig into her guts again. I grabbed her hips and slid her on top of me. “Come ride this dick!” I demanded.
“With pleasure,” Lyrius whispered seductively as she lowered herself onto me. I was glad I’d told Pops and Jaylen not to wait up, because it was going to be a much-needed, long night.