Chapter 5
Jazmine Allen
S ummer break passed in a blur.
Every day was spent in Meadow Beach with my family, away from the chaotic mess of Lakewood, which gave me a chance to relax. I didn’t worry about the year ahead, I just lived in the moment.
Then reality crashed into me like a tidal wave. Returning to campus was the catalyst for my bad habits to crawl their way back, as if I needed them to survive.
After a tumultuous two years of university, I decided to find a psychologist. Freshman year was a disaster, my outburst and explosion may have been directed towards Theodore but it was entirely my fault. It turns out the combination of stress, a lack of sleep and all my insecurities that I’ve never dealt with don’t mix well.
My competitive streak clashed with perfectionism, so when I lost to Theodore it fucking hurt. Being hospitalised at the end of freshman year should have been a red herring for the future but I carried everything into sophomore year.
Therefore, I am making a promise to myself that junior year will be the opposite. My mental health is the number one priority, so far it has been a struggle. As I said, my bad habits are tattooed on my brain; however, my psychologist has given me some recommendations for changing that.
Dr Gray suggested daily affirmations as a way to train my mind from automatically jumping to negative thoughts. I bought a box of these affirmations, sitting them next to my bed so I will remember to read them in the morning. Flicking the wooden box open, I pick up one card from the pile.
I am open to healing.
I close my eyes, imagining myself in the future. Another trick my psychologist said to try. Envision you in the future. No outside pressures, only your body. I actually like this exercise the best, it makes me feel grounded.
I’m sitting in an interview room for a job at Cooper and Byrd after I graduate.
My hand remains on my stomach, feeling it expand and constrict as air reaches my lungs. The affirmation card remains in my opposite hand as I bring myself back to the present. I slide the quote under the pile on my desk, while in the centre of my desk is a list of to dos.
Junior year is hectic. In terms of setting up a career after graduation, it is the most important year of college. These days, companies hire interns at the end of junior year to see if they are a good fit.
I have a research project to complete with a partner this year and not only is it fifty percent of my grade, but the professor wrote in the subject outline it would be sent to different companies across the state and country. This is my best chance at securing an internship for the summer.
I shake my attention away from classes and change into all black, the unofficial uniform of Strong Beans. Grabbing my phone, I tuck it into the side pocket of my leggings and leave my apartment.
The cafe is a short walk from my on-campus apartment and the route has the perfect view of the river which runs past the university. Sometimes I stop and appreciate the sunrise, it is one of the times I can stop thinking and ease my anxiety.
I’m trying to find more time in my schedule for things I enjoy, as per my therapist’s advice. This is extraordinarily harder than I thought. Is it possible I have too many things on my plate already? Yes, but if I don’t keep busy, who knows where my brain will wander.
My intrusive thoughts rattle in my mind, that the good times won’t last. I snap the spare hairband against my wrist to halt my thoughts. Although a terrible coping strategy, it works. I’m always changing the hairband to ensure it is tight enough, though I will have to remember to hide the small purple bruise that is forming around my wrist.
I arrive at Strong Beans and meet my co-worker, Riley outside the front doors. She is a fourth-year student and taught me everything when I first applied for a job here. Riley and I opened the cafe most days, while our other colleagues come in an hour after us at 6:30.
“Hey Jaz! Can you rewrite the sign with the new specials while I take the tables outside?” Riley asks.
“No problem,”
Our specials change at the start of each month and when the month changes, we recycle the most popular meals. Once I finish the special board, I wipe down the tables Riley moved outside as well as the windows and doors.
Strong Beans feels like the closest thing to home, reminding me of my best friend’s cafe. The outdoor and inside seating both provide a perfect view of the iconic palm trees and the winding river. A glass door separates the deck from the internal setting, making it easy for workers to see where customers are sitting.
Students flocked into the cafe, craving their caffeine boost to help them survive a day of classes. For me, morning shifts pass faster than any other. Familiar faces order and create casual conversation, others are coming to Strong Beans for the first time. I don’t like the brag but having a good memory is handy when you’re a barista. Customers tip better when you recognise them and remember their order.
“Sorry, I won’t be too much longer,” I say as a group of boys approach the counter.
“It’s okay Princess, take your time.”
I grind my teeth together at the voice as well as the stupid nickname. I make my way over to Knight and his friends—who, judging by their stature, are on the football team.
I haven’t seen him since before summer break, when exam season was in full swing. After having a mental breakdown in front of Theodore, I attempted to avoid him last year. This was incredibly difficult as our classes overlapped for most of the year. But one day, on a random Monday, his flirtatious self-returned. The nickname hasn’t died out either.
“Theodore, what can I get you?”
“I’ll have an iced latte.” He pauses, a familiar glint consuming his eyes. “Any chance your number comes with it?”
If I had a dollar for every time he asked me for my number, I would be a millionaire. At least that’s what it feels like.
“You’re incorrigible,”
“That wasn’t a no,”
I ignored his persistence. “Your total is six dollars, if there is nothing else.”
Snickers and stifled laughter come from Theodore’s friends. As an ice hockey girl, I don’t know any of them except for Austin. He is dating my roommate Athena after pining all of freshman year. They began as friends with benefits but Sofia—my other roommate—and I knew the two of them were gone for each other. Athena was overly cautious to agree to go on a date with Austin as she had never received attention from boys.
“I’ll get it one day Jazmine,”
My name rolls off his tongue—desperate and rough. Fireworks explode in my core, scorching every inch of my skin. My name is a rarity from Theodore Knight, making an innocuous comment sound like a promise.
Ever since my first interaction with Knight, I’ve been covering every emotion and reaction he incites from my body. The last thing I need is for him to break down my walls and weasel into my heart.
The hours dwindle by, eventually reaching the end of my shift. I take an almond pastry with me for the walk home. One of my favourite perks is the free food. The sun is close to the horizon, preparing to be replaced by the moon. Today I worked longer than usual, but once classes begin, I will only work a six-hour shift.
My mind is running on overdrive as I plan the next couple weeks out. Although my schedule won’t be crazy busy until October, I like to be prepared. I arrive home, turning my key in the door to find a chaotic apartment.
Sofia Wells, my roommate who is majoring in fashion design, has rolls of fabric scattered on every surface. Stencils and stationary items are on the floor—I’m assuming they rolled off the coffee table—with colourful notebooks in multiple stacks on the kitchen bench .
Sofia’s past as a ballerina is evident by her perfect posture and focused gaze. Her chestnut-coloured hair is tied into a high bun, although Sofia has ditched her fluffy afro blow out, her ringlet curls never left. She has taught me so many different ways to style my curly hair. I don’t know what I would do without her.
An outburst of laughter and giggles dance into the living room, grabbing my attention. What the hell is going on? It’s not the first time I have walked in on a loud apartment, yet it surprises me every time.
Athena races out of her room, hot on her heels in Austin. Wide smiles are spread across their faces, as if they are the Cheshire cat. Austin hooks his arms around Athena’s waist lifting her onto the kitchen countertop. The sparks in the eyes make me want to resort to my bedroom.
“No sex in common areas,” I say, clearing my throat.
Athena’s back stiffens, while Sofia whips her head up at my comment, dragging her headphones to wrap around her neck.
She groans. “Stop making me feel so single,”
I laugh at her whine.
“We weren’t going to have sex,” Athena assures.
The lustful gleam in Austin’s eyes didn’t leave. “Speak for yourself,”
“Well, that is my cue to leave.” I say.
I collapse onto my bed, soaking in relief as I continue to sink into the mattress. Taking in a deep breath, I smile to myself. I have to take wins when I can so I know to appreciate the good days. Today was one of them.