Chapter 9
Jazmine Allen
I have accepted my fate: I am and always will be a night owl.
My brain finds comfort in the night, whether I am looking out my window watching the bright lights of the city or in Meadow Beach, where the stars glisten and glow against the midnight sky.
At first, I never believed I had insomnia. But as my study load increased along with my overthinking, sleeping became a chore. I am yet to find a way to fully exhaust my body to prevent waking up throughout the night.
It also limits my ability to study, which is why I am leaving the library at midnight. I message my roommates as I leave, letting them know I’m walking home. Usually, I drive but I didn’t plan to stay this late. Sofia replies with a thumbs up. She also likes to work at night; however, Sof knows when to have a break.
I don’t.
Another precaution I take when walking alone at night is the pepper spray in my back pocket. Although the university’s security has improved since freshman year—when girls reported random guys stalking them on campus—I’m not taking any chances.
The apartment is pitch black as I enter. Shutting the door as quietly as possible, my phone torch guides me through my apartment. I dodge the furniture, ending at the edge of my bed.
I’m so glad to be home. My eyelids are heavy, tension pulling in my muscles. Fatigue washes over me as I collapse onto my bed. Comfort melts through my body, pulling me into darkness.
***
Although my therapist would disagree with me, there are perks of having insomnia. For example, I wake up extraordinarily early, sometimes I force the birds from their slumber, not the other way round. This means I can work an early shift or run to release any stress still paining my muscles .
Squeezing my eyes shut, tighter each time, I coax my brain to sleep. I know there isn’t a point. As soon as dawn lingers, the dull beams of light passing through my window, I’m unable to find sleep again. I roll over, taking the bed cover with me and squint at my clock.
Five o’clock.
Fuck my life.
Last night, I was in and out of consciousness. Despite feeling as if weights were dragging my body into a coma and my eyes couldn’t stay open—I still couldn’t remain asleep. I doubt I was fully asleep for more than five hours. Insomnia is the worst habit I have and the hardest to stop.
I focus on my breathing, using the techniques Dr Gray recommended. Breathe in for three counts, hold for three counts and release. This is a hit or a miss, depending on the severity of my anxiety on that particular day. My hand finds the affirmation card, I’d say from muscle memory.
Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
Easier said than done. The fears in my mind have been rampant for years, sometimes intrusive thoughts can strangle my neck, choking any optimism from me. I swallow in an attempt to push every emotion running through my veins below the surface.
I change into exercise clothes then find my phone and Airpods. Running is the best way to halt my overthinking, even if it is only for an hour.
My heart is pumping as I follow the concrete path that guides you through and around Lakewood University campus. Finally, exhaustion grows in my muscles .
I increase my pace as the voice in my ear informs me I have reached three miles. I'm approaching the last part of my route before arriving back home. I turn at the corner next to the gym and I slam into another body.
Fuck. I expect to fall onto my ass but an arm reaches towards me, grabbing onto my waist. An apology is on the tip of my tongue, as I look up to the face in front of me.
Theodore Knight. The one person, besides my brother, I didn’t want to see, especially not running straight into him.
“Princess, what are you doing up at this time?”
His voice is laced with concern. I hate it. I'm used to taking care of myself, this way I can avoid disappointment and rejection. Things that would happen if I asked for help.
I find Theodore's eyes—blue and shining with pity. He looks at me like all he wants to do is help. Yet, part of me wants to growl at him, hoping it will send Theodore running for the hills.
“What does it look like I’m doing? Running, obviously.”
“It isn’t even 6:00am. You shouldn’t be running in the dark. Not alone,”
I fold my arms defensively, tightening them around my chest. “I never run into anyone. Besides, it’s already past first light. I think you’re exaggerating,”
Knight parts his lips but no words leave his mouth. “You look terrible,”
“Wow. You really know how to compliment a girl, Knight.” I reply drily .
I avert my gaze from Theodore in search of an escape. When I bring my attention back to him, my breath hitches as I realise how close the two of us are. I need to leave. I don't want him thinking I need saving or better yet, that I want to be saved.
Theodore’s eyes never leave me, forcing me to acknowledge his presence again.
“Stop looking at me like that,”
“How am I looking at you, Princess?” His voice is low and husky, the tone opposing his soft gaze.
“With pity,” I spit.
I attempt to duck underneath his arm. He has different plans, caging me into the wall, giving me no escape.
“Let. Me. Go.” I bare my teeth.
“No.”
I tilt my chin in defiance. Loose strands of Theodore’s golden hair brush across his forehead, while his body radiates heat. Even thinking about the narrow gap between us makes me claustrophobic.
“Move,” I pleaded.
Why do I sound weak? The last thing I want—no need , is Theodore Knight to see the cracks in my armour. He doesn’t budge despite my comment, keeping me trapped between the wall and him.
“Tell me what’s wrong,”
Why the hell does he care? Theodore's intentions with me are the same with every other female: sex. I'm not going to be another notch on his bedpost .
An angry sigh leaves my throat. “I couldn’t sleep. Nothing is wrong.” I breathe deeply, then continue, “Save your pity for a different girl,”
Theodore's facial expression drops, hurt written all over it. Good. Maybe my harshness will stop his desire to chase me. Slowly, Knight’s arms return to his side, allowing for a quick getaway.
I don’t look back.
***
An intervention was waiting for me when I arrived home. Athena dragged me onto one of the stools in our kitchen, while Sofia was cooking—no burning, bacon in the background. I was hoping to avoid this but apparently not.
Sofia and Athena take turns of lecturing me, worrying because this is how my spiral started in the past. I don’t disagree but I still think I have it under control. And if you have to know one thing about me, it is: I thrive when I’m in control.
Athena sighs. “I just think you are going to burn yourself out, Jaz. We aren’t even halfway through the semester,”
“I’ll be fine. You guys know how hectic junior year is for me—”
“Which is why,” Sofia interrupts. “You need to look after yourself. I mean, how much sleep did you really get last night? ”
“Five.” It comes out as a mumble.
The girls look extremely disappointed based on the fact that their hands are resting on their hips and heads are tilted.
“I’m fine. What are we doing for girls’ day?”
Thursdays none of us have classes so we always spend time together as once the session is fully underway; we barely see each other. Especially this year.
I have this research project that will consume most of my time, while Sofia has numerous work placements with different fashion companies over the next couple months. Athena, unlike me and Sofia, has a boyfriend so she spends a lot of time with him. She is also writing a book while attending university, so Athena is a busy woman.
Sofia’s shrills bounce throughout the room.
“Shopping!”
My head falls back and a defeated sigh leaves my throat. How do I get myself into these situations?
“There is a party tomorrow night and what better way to start the semester than a grand entrance with stylish outfits?”
This is going to be a long day.
***
I stare at my reflection for the hundredth time today.
Sofia Wells takes ‘shop till you drop’ to an extreme level. My feet ache and my stomach has been growling non-stop. Since this spontaneous shopping trip began, I’ve been petitioning for the food court to be our next stop.
It was no use.
My roommates drag me from boutique to boutique for an outfit for tomorrow night’s party. The first Friday of the semester is party central as if everyone hasn’t just returned from a break filled with the same thing.
The Hockey House is hosting this time as they are situated far away from Lakewood’s main campus buildings. In the past years, there have been some instances that warranted security being involved. Although this could be attributed to who organised and hosted the party, some fraternities tended to be uncontrollable.
“Maybe someone on the hockey team will fuck you,”
“What?”
Athena’s dirty comment brings me back.
“Holy shit, this is a proud mum moment. Virgin Athena is no more,” Sofia beams.
A rosy hue covers Athena’s cheeks. Her and Austin’s relationship developed from friends with benefits to falling completely in love. Sofia and I always laugh at the two of them. Long gone is the innocent and unknowing woman we met in freshman year.
“That isn’t happening,” I say, replying to her earlier comment.
My brother will kill any of his teammates if they even try to flirt with me. I attempted it freshman year. It ended with me receiving a lecture and Sam Morris—the Hawk’s left winger—with a bruised cheek.
Plus, an extremely awkward run in with my brother the next morning. This was my first and only one night stand. I have nothing against those who like casual sex, but it isn’t for me.
“I still don’t understand why you won’t consider Theo,” Athena states.
“Please, I’m trying to eat here. The last thing I want nor need is Theodore Knight’s slimy hands touching me.”
Sofia rolls her eyes at my exaggeration. “I’m with Thena. He ticks all the boxes,”
I tilt my head down, sneering at her. “And pray tell, what boxes does he fit into? It better be double his size, otherwise his ego won’t fit.”
The girls chuckle. “Theo is hot, only does ‘no strings attached’ and will get you off.”
“You seem pretty confident. Don’t tell me you believe the ‘sex god’ rumours. Guarantee it is bullshit, and he started them himself.”
Since freshman year I’ve seen him with multiple girls, the most notable one being Kierra O’Brien. Athena heard from Austin they had a friends with benefits type situation but over the past couple of months I haven’t seen them together. Not that I watched Theodore closely but from a distance she seemed pretty attached so he probably broke it off.
“I’ll give it to you, Jaz, you can hold a grudge.”
I flip them both off, but a grin forms. This day is exactly what I need.