Chapter 11
Doctor's Orders
The next week was tough, and it wasn't just because I was in a huge amount of pain.
I mean, I was definitely in pain and Rodil, freed from being in my employ and instead finding themself in Araxis's, took on that very abayan approach to medicine, which was let the body do the work; yes, the pain is good for you, which meant that I had to deal with the bruises, cuts, scrapes, aches, and an omnipresent cloud of guilt.
No, I couldn't leave the creche, Rodil said plainly.
No, I couldn't go for a run, not even a little tiny one.
No, I shouldn't walk the children to school.
Yes, they were being serious. Yes, they understood that I was upset, but sometimes it was healthy for us to feel big feelings as well.
It was not a surprise at all, then, when they moved in later that week, happily accepting Araxis's offer to join the creche.
Araxis invited Inmadra to come over twice to help me continue my studies – bringing with her, by request, Celravi and Thodin – and then they, too, declared for Creche Thiel.
Even without Vivith skulking around, the creche felt full in a way that reminded me happily of the den and what it had been like to house with so many other dancers and companions, and Araxis was positively glowing.
It was, from what I understood, a big deal to expand the creche; it was an even bigger deal when the creche had been comprised of six adults (seven including me) and three children, and also when your creche had stayed the same since the last head of house had died when Araxis was much younger.
At least, that's what I presumed. I realized, with an unpleasant twist in my stomach one morning while I was lying on the couch and watching him answer messages, that I didn't actually know anything about what Araxis's life had been like before he'd walked into the den and set his eyes on me.
I'd been charmed, maybe, when he first asked me out on a date, grasping at the sign that he was making an effort, that he was reaching for me. Now, it struck me that getting to know one another better was kind of important.
There was so much I didn't know. We'd bypassed anything like normal relationship progression and had merrily skipped ahead to something that was, I thought, a lot like marriage maybe.
Well, I didn't merrily skip; I was dragged, bloodied and on my last legs.
When given the choice between love and death, I'd picked love – even if I hadn't realized what I was actually choosing.
As I sat in our bedroom for hours on end, working on my language lessons and sending half-assed messages about my life to Val with very little that would be useful for Perseus unless they cared a lot about how much I liked wallowing in self-pity, it became harder and harder to remember why I'd wanted a contract in the first place.
I'd thought it might protect me, but it hadn't.
It couldn't. Mine was a heart raw and bleeding, and something as intangible as words filed on a distant ship could never keep it contained.
It was my day off again and, while I couldn't go anywhere, Araxis had been careful to avoid scheduling meetings that I would make myself sit through, as I'd been doing for nearly a week, after my face and body had healed enough that I could sit prettily by Araxis's side.
While he'd insisted, even then, that I didn't need to be there, I'd wanted to; I'd even recruited Inmadra to my cause, who'd agreed it would be beneficial for me to attend meetings.
She went as well, explaining obliquely that she had a background in negotiations, and then started assigning more homework.
I had to summarize exactly what we'd talked about, point out any nuances I thought I'd grasped; I had to research any specialized terminology she flagged; and she gave me an evaluation at the end of each meeting with action points for next time.
It sounds cruel, but it was actually a kindness: if I hadn’t had a surplus of language and culture homework, which I could then turn into the universe's shortest bullet points to surreptitiously send to Perseus when I had a spare moment, I might have actually gone fucking mad.
Particularly because her work gave me something to concentrate on when conversation inevitably turned to the fact that I'd been assaulted, because Creche Hanalthi, heavily invested in the station guard, was also connected to abayan media broadcasters, and so of course everyone found out.
"I must apologize," Araxis had murmured when the article came in on the morning burst just over a day after I'd murdered someone in an alleyway, his features tight with unhappiness. "I did try to persuade Yarix News that what happened was private, but they were not cooperative."
Which was fine. It was just the truth. Although I would have been happier if it didn't come up in every single fucking meeting.
Usually, the visiting representative would coo and make sympathetic sounds; a few clucked about the fact that I must have been very frightened, to be on my own and dealing with such a scary situation.
An antali from Creche Sirredi even went so far as to offer to arrange an escort for me, should I need one.
Given that your creche is quite small, she'd said generously.
And while my response usually involved thanking whoever had made their simpering comment for thinking of me kindly, I'd taken no small amount of pleasure from assuring the Sirredi antali that I wouldn't need an escort.
"After all," I'd said, with a familiar bright and sunny smile, "I killed one of the assailants myself.
Everyone in Creche Thiel is quite capable, although your concern is certainly noted. "
When she'd left, looking a little stunned, Araxis had glanced at me, head tilted.
"I had managed to keep that detail from being published," he'd said.
"There will be gossip." But the smile he hadn't been able to hide – small, private, pleased – told me that he'd appreciated my…
slightly unconventional approach to diplomacy.
I'd rather they gossip about Araxis's unhinged human virra than Creche Thiel's unconventional head of house.
But there weren’t any meetings today, not even over deep space relays, which meant I couldn’t weasel my way into any sit-downs to entertain myself and occupy my mind.
Instead, because it was another one of my Personal Days, Araxis had forcibly settled me on the couch and had Elethenn – who had taken over the kitchen quite happily – make me an array of my favourite dishes for breakfast, with the promise of more throughout the day.
With nothing to do but mope on the couch and regret the third helping of dumplings I'd had, I let myself stretch out and watch Araxis work. I could tell by the slight shift in his posture that he'd noticed me watching him.
"Our request for security footage was finally approved," Araxis said, still staring at the display.
"Although – perhaps this is not surprising – none of the feeds were working in the area where you were attacked.
I will review the footage from the surrounding area as well, once that is also approved. "
I nodded distantly. Araxis had immediately gone digging, but there wasn't much to go on: Elethenn had good descriptions of the assailants, better than mine, but the ward guards had been decidedly unhelpful with their databases.
He'd reached out to a mercenary guild, who were even less helpful.
Once, Araxis had said vaguely that he would see if anyone who knew the area better could find out more, but whether or not that lead had panned out, it hadn't yielded an answer yet.
I'd taken it upon myself to ask Valerie Prior if she'd see what she could turn up too.
I've got my partner looking into any mercs who match that description, she wrote.
They did say that your attackers probably weren't professionals, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten the jump on them.
Then they listed twelve different chemical compounds that can temporarily paralyze a human.
I'm sure glad they're on my side and only use their hot assassin knowledge for good!
You just hang tight. We're good at digging shit up.
I sighed. "Yeah, well. That's Radiant Ward for you."
Araxis nodded, and went back to typing a reply to whichever mid-level clerk was holding the rest of the security footage hostage. It was amazing the amount of red tape that could be produced when someone felt like being difficult, just because.
I watched him, shifting in place a little.
I flexed my elbow to feel where it still hurt; Rodil had come back and bandaged it tight enough to offer some support, but it still ached when I wasn't careful.
I liked to test the limits of where the pain was, what was tolerable and what wasn't. I wanted to know when I went back to Tam's, so I could tell him not to fuck me up too badly.
Or maybe he had a trick for getting elbows back on track more quickly.
For all we'd talked about the attack – and we had; Araxis and I went over it in minute detail as if he'd been searching for some sort of clue that would help him track whoever had ordered the attack down, though I hadn't been able to remember anything helpful – he hadn't asked me anything about why I was down there.
It seemed, a week on, a pretty loud silence. So, watching the expanse of his shoulders, I said, "You haven't asked me about it. About Radiant Ward."
Araxis stopped typing. His head tilted, his dark stare shifting to meet mine. "Did you... want me to? Your personal time is your own."
"Are you curious, at least? Or –" and the thought came to me suddenly, my stomach twisting unpleasantly. "I guess everyone must have told you everything already." Vivith definitely would have.