Chapter 12 #7
He trilled, his eyes bright with affection there in the moon gardens, where we were being cradled by the dim quiet around us.
"It is true, I have many responsibilities – Vivith has kindly enumerated them for me here – but part of my duty is also tending to your needs and –" He stopped, cutting the rest off.
"I'm sorry," I said carefully. "Did you just say that spending time with me is part of your duty?"
He must have heard the way it sounded, because Araxis immediately shifted so that he was facing me. He reached for my hands, which I pulled away. "Sashen, I apologize. That is not what I meant."
"I didn't realize that taking me on a date was a chore," I continued, aiming to sound amused. Instead, it was like someone had punched me in the diaphragm.
"It is not," he insisted. "But Vivith understands things only in terms of that which furthers the aims of Creche Thiel and that which doesn't. When you are well-tended, as you should be –"
"We talked about this," I reminded him, all the earlier softness burned out of my chest and replaced with a slow, trembling anger. "And we agreed: you aren't tending to me or my needs. I'm taking care of myself."
"Yes, I understand. I do, Sashen. And when our bond is strong, the creche benefits. When I assure your needs are met –"
I stood up and paced off to the side, ostensibly to look at a fountain that had the tiniest, sweetly glowing lilies bobbing in the rippling waters.
This was one of those cultural things I was going to struggle with, I thought distantly.
Because that wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to be tended to; I didn't want to be taken out for dates like I was a dog going for a walk.
I didn't want to be indulged and coddled, stroked and petted.
I didn't want him to see all of my jagged edges and to wrap them carefully up in cotton batting.
I wanted to see his, and I wanted us to figure out how this worked for us.
And I hated that it was any of the creche's business at all, or that Vivith might cut us some slack if they knew we were making out in the moon garden after weeks of not touching at all.
"Sashen," said Araxis behind me. He'd gotten up as well, but was hovering, uncertain, near the bench. "I am… not explaining it well."
"No, you're not," I said, reaching down to gently prod one of the lilies, which had fetched up on an ornamental curve.
It bobbed gently along, carried away. "We can talk about it more later.
I'm tired, and I've kept you from your responsibilities with my, uh," I pulled up the message again and read it out.
"Human frailty. I don't know if they mean that I'm weak because I'm taking so long to get better and so you have to entertain me, or if it's because I can't just shut up and fuck you like a good little virra. "
Behind me, Araxis was silent. My heart was thundering inside of my chest. Vivith always knew how to knock the wind out of me. They were an expert at ruining a perfectly good afterglow.
"That's not why I asked you to come with me," Araxis said after a long moment, during which all I could hear was the sound of my own pulse and the gentle gurgling of the fountain.
"Not because I thought you needed to be entertained.
Not because I want – Sashen, I do not want you to fuck me to fulfill a role. "
What could I do but choose to believe him?
And did it even matter if it was a lie, because if it was, it was one he was telling to himself as well.
I shrugged and turned, putting on a painted smile.
"It's alright," I said firmly. "It's fine.
I'm just tired. I really do need to get back into my routine.
So let's go back to the creche, and we'll…
" I stopped, corrected myself. "You can meet with Vivith and get things sorted.
I guess they'll be coming back now. That should be exciting: they have a lot of new creche-mates to meet.
" I tried to make it sound bubbly, but it was like my mouth couldn't muster effervescence; instead, I only sounded tired.
Araxis's features were tight, his eyes narrowed, but he nodded his head.
And when he offered his hand, I took it as we trekked our way along the path to the final doorway.
I followed him as we met with the sephear manager again, who ushered us out a back exit where we caught a ward shuttle that took us to the dock.
I sat next to him and stared out the window as we slid from the exterior dock of Central Ward around to Verdant, and then I followed him all the way back to the creche.
And because the hours in the day were limited and I was feeling off-balance, I let myself run through my growing mental vocabulary banks, working to remember all the words in abayan for types of social relationships.
Cenkente. Companion. Thelvi. Friend. Nidari. Hatch-mate. Skonnil. Rival. Helvena. Mentor. Ivinn. Business partner. Nanis. Creche-mate. Nanix. Former creche-mate. Valeth. Romantic partner. Valith. Former romantic partner.
The question was where I fell in all of that and if, once a tool, I could ever be anything else.