Chapter 13 #5
"You should write a self-help book," I intoned. "We can call it Tamcer Temahura's Terrible Takes. Alliteration really sells, you know."
Tam barked out a laugh. "Oh, I know it does, Sashen Solar and his fucking swords and slippers. You know how often I see those fucking ads?"
"If you don't want to see them," I said, grinning despite myself, "stop looking at naughty datafeeds. My manager says they're very targeted ads. I wonder: when you come, is it just dust these days?"
"I'm about to target your kidneys with my fists," Tam threatened merrily before he hauled me up, and then he had me explain the alleyway fight in detail, calling Elethenn over to help stand in for the sephear and, in painstaking detail, while I tried very hard to hold on to a semblance of good cheer instead of crying or panicking or having one of my little…
moments, we sequenced out the whole thing.
"Good," Tam said after we'd finished. I stepped off Elethenn, who had gone to the ground to play the role of the sephear without so much as a glint of fear in his eye, which seemed honestly pretty unwise, and gave him my hand as he leapt to his feet again.
"Alright, we're going to go through it again and I'm going to pause every place you could have done something better, and then we'll try that.
You have any ideas of your own, hero," he prodded Elethenn with his elbow, "you let me know. "
We went through the attack again and again and again, and although it was Tam who offered most of the critiques, Elethenn paused a few times to make a gentle suggestion, each time wincing apologetically in my direction, as if it would hurt me to know I could have done better.
Maybe it would have hurt someone else, but I was desperate for anything that might have put me more in control.
Of the situation, of the fight, of myself.
Once we'd reviewed it enough times, Tam stepped back, tugging Elethenn with him.
He leaned his mouth close to Elethenn's ear and muttered something to him.
They'd already gotten the same weapons that the assailants had used and were equipped, and as they stepped away to the positions the sephear and the paledrian had been in when they'd trapped me in that alley, I felt my mouth go dry, my pulse pick up, and something an awful lot like terror start to curdle in my stomach.
I was aware, distantly, that my hands were shaking – but the only way out was through.
After all, when Tam had pinned me repeatedly in the gym to make me work through what had happened with Grigor and Andiri, it had been awful but it had also fucking worked.
I was definitely better now. I'd gotten pinned by the attackers and I hadn't started crying or hyperventilating; I hadn't even gotten too panicked or hopeless until the end.
And even then, I'd thought; I'd planned; I'd fucking fought back.
My stare darted to Elethenn for a moment. "Tam," I said then, looking at him as he sank into a lower stance, "if I, uh, have a… If I need a moment – I don't want – I don't –"
What I was trying to say was that I wasn't sure I wanted Elethenn to see what happened when I lost my mind in this particular way.
I wasn't sure I wanted him to tell Araxis that I sometimes started crying uncontrollably on the floor of the gym.
He'd already seen me lose control in one way.
I didn't know if I could handle him seeing the other side.
Tam's mouth turned downward. "If you need a second, we'll take a second. But you've got this. This is also a killing pen, Sashen."
I chewed on that. Maybe it wasn't just the wolf inside of me I needed to face, but also its cowering and whimpering shadow. Maybe I needed to have command of both.
"And," added Tam cheerfully, "it's not like you're going to be able to hurt either of us. You're slower than you were, and you weren't ever particularly good. Besides, I don't mind a little pain. And I'd wager Elethenn doesn't either."
The startled look Elethenn shot Tam – and the flush that flared to life across his cheeks – might have been delightful in another situation, except that Tam then immediately launched himself at me and I had no time to think of anything at all other than trying desperately to avoid his massive fucking hands.
It took me five times through to get to the end of the fight without being pinned against the wall, or the floor, or once, memorably, thrown over Tam's massive shoulder – but I did it.
Tam came at me hard and fast, and while Elethenn hesitated at first, he soon would surge forward to strike as well – although his blows didn't punch the wind out of me like Tam's did.
By the end, I was sore and bloodied and exhausted, and also grinning from ear to ear.
I was casually holding a piece of gauze to a cut that had opened up on my lower lip while Tam chatted amicably with Elethenn about some of the fight nights coming up.
"You should come," he said happily, hand heavy on Elethenn's shoulder.
"Maybe have a few drinks, place a few bets?
Or I bet we can find you some good company on the dance floor.
" Then, sly and low, although I could still hear him, "Some people say I'm pretty good company myself. "
Elethenn flushed silver, ducking his head under Tam's bright stare, as I let the gauze drop away and then swiped the last of the sweat from my brow.
I checked my wristband and grimaced at the time.
Tragically, we had places to be, otherwise I could have watched Tam try to flirt with Elethenn forever.
I tugged on my sweater, pulling my bag on as we said our farewells with enough time to get home for me to get prettied up for the meeting with Creche Bathel.
"So," I drawled as we headed back into the ward, "Sounds like you might like to continue joining me for these little training sessions. Unless you want a private session. I mean, I'm not one to intrude."