Chapter 17 #2
I hadn't expected to hear back, so I was surprised when her reply floated up a moment later.
That is most certainly a question for your sinnenthi, she'd replied, which I knew meant, just like any time I ran into that particular non-answer, that I wouldn't be able to get anywhere with my line of questioning.
It might as well have been a flashing stoplight at the docks.
I'd still tried, of course. But you're my language AND culture tutor, and that's both. Firmly within your purview!
To which she had responded, It is within your sinnenthi's purview. Remember that I have said you might ask me any question, but I am also within my rights to decline to answer. This is part of our culture that you must work on understanding.
Which, I guessed, was fair, even if it made my stomach squirm a little, like I'd been caught doing something wrong. But at least all of my clumsy questioning had led me somewhere or, at the very least, to a little more context.
For some reason known only to him, Araxis had decided to court me like I wasn't virra.
And while I did consider asking him, I was aware that any implication that I wasn't happy with how he was courting me would throw him off, and we couldn't afford that, not right now.
Besides, I could be patient, if it was important to him for cultural reasons. I could do that.
It did mean, though, that in addition to being busy and exhausted, I was also horny all of the time and I lacked anything like a real outlet. I have two hands and a vivid imagination, I'd told Araxis on the justiciar's ship when he asked me how I'd make do if we weren't fucking.
And it wasn't like the not-fucking was different from what we'd done before we cancelled the contract.
The difference now was that I wanted to, all of the time and I wasn't trying to convince myself I didn't. So I went for a lot of runs, when I wasn't wrapped up in other things.
I ran, and I took very long showers during which I thought, at great length and in exquisite detail, about what exactly I wanted to do to Araxis when I could fuck him again.
That was enough to take the edge off, at least. Usually. Sometimes.
A week into our new reality, I was with Inmadra again in one of the front rooms, where she was drilling me with questions and forcing me to try and speak somewhat coherently on them, which wasn't going particularly well.
When the children had come in earlier with Elethenn and Thodin after school, they'd lingered in the doorway, listening to me try to speak about my opinions on some import regulations she'd made me study beforehand, and they'd chortled every four words before Elethenn called them away.
We were just wrapping up with Inmadra's usual scathing critique – these days, she was ripping apart both my command of the language and the content of my ill-formed opinions, assuring that I was well-prepared for our arrival in Xitera – when my wristband blinked with an incoming message.
"Excuse me for a moment," I said in abayan.
"Will you excuse me for a moment," she corrected. "Remember your position in relation to the person you are addressing."
Fuck, right. It wasn't enough to wrestle with vocabulary, syntax, and grammar: I had to also acknowledge social status in broader abayan culture and within a creche as well.
Thank all the stars that the sounds came naturally; without a foundation of adequate pronunciation, I might have considered giving up.
Or tearing my hair out. I huffed, then repeated it back and when she nodded, I tapped the message open.
I know you're busy, Tam wrote underneath the string of messages outlining what I could do here in Verdant Ward to keep making progress even if I didn't have time to travel to Radiant in the interim, but I've come across some information about that attack.
Thought you might want to talk about it.
We have a fight night tonight. You could come.
I let out a long breath, mentally shuffling through my schedule and weighing the benefits of potentially getting more information. I hadn't been down on orange shift, not since I'd been jumped, but it was probably fine.
Another message blinked to life as I was waffling. Like I said, I know you're busy – but it would be good to talk, and it's got to be in person. Maybe you could also bring that cute friend of yours? Stay for some dancing?
I sucked on my lower lip. If I brought Elethenn with me, we'd definitely be okay. And Tam wouldn't let anything happen anyway.
Besides, the fact that we still didn't know who'd ordered the attack, or why it had happened at all, was worrying.
Val hadn't turned anything up; Araxis hadn't either.
And although it still hadn't hit the Primus tabloids, anyone with any connection to Xitera was aware, so if they knew something, they'd have information that could have been leveraged to their advantage in negotiations – and yet, nothing had come up.
It was like I'd been targeted by a ghost, and I hated that, because if your enemy can't be seen, then you're stuck jumping at the shadows around every corner.
Part of me still wondered, darkly, if Vivith hadn't just broken into my apartment, but had also hired some local thugs to rough me up, except that I couldn't see the benefit.
It wasn't like that had driven Araxis away; instead, it had brought us closer together.
It had been… a step in repairing our connection.
I also didn't believe for a second that Vivith would have hired mercs who were incompetent.
No matter how much I was training, a skilled strategist would have made sure the people hired for the job were capable of handling me.
Valerie said they had to be amateurs. Anyone can buy a powersuit and call themself a baddie, she'd written, but a professional knows how to get the job done efficiently. Your duo was definitely not efficient.
Which meant that whoever had hired them was not a skilled strategist – or that their objective was beyond my scope of understanding.
So at this point, any lead would be helpful. Had the attack been a move against Creche Thiel or had it been about me? I wished, not for the first time, that the paledrian hadn't escaped and that I hadn't killed someone who might have been able to give us answers.
I wished I hadn't killed anyone at all.
Because the longer I sat with what I'd done – and I did sit with it, in pockets of silence; in stolen moments; when I found myself flexing my hands, unthinking, and remembered what they felt like spattered in sephearian ichor – the more I became convinced that I'd finally found a way to stain my soul after all.
I was having nightmares again. Well, I say again, but I'm always having nightmares.
But since the attack, the quality of my dreams had changed.
Yes, I was often on the sands; yes, I was often on the precipice of ruin and destruction.
I was often in that same grimy alleyway, surrounded by an endless sea of lights blinking on unseen armour suits.
But I also dreamed of enacting violence.
I was the assailant; mine were the fingers latching hard around soft throats; my mouth was the one curling into a hungry grin.
I was the wolf lurking deep in shadow, and I was the prey scrabbling frantically away.
I was my own shadow, and I was inescapable.
So maybe that also wasn't helping where things sat with Araxis. Of course he wanted to take things slow: I woke up every night, drenched in sweat and gasping for air and sometimes crying, so. That didn't exactly scream stable and worthy romantic partner.
Maybe I would feel better if I knew who'd rattled the bars of my life. Who was shaking the cage door while the beast inside of me got closer and closer to breaking free.
So I prodded my tongue against my teeth as I stared at Tam's message, and then pulled up my schedule, skimming it again before writing back. Yes, I'd like to talk; yes, I'd try to come tonight, but I couldn't make any promises. And then, as an afterthought, How do people dress for fight nights?
A moment later, his response popped up. There's a lot of gambling and dancing. Make an educated guess.
I snorted. Yeah, I could make some guesses.
"Am I correct that our time is concluded now?" I asked Inmadra, careful to formulate the sentence so that I placed myself in a lower role, as I was expected to when speaking with an authority.
"Hm." She flicked through her own display, sending a couple new worksheets my way. "That was nearly correct, but you might have said it much more prettily. Review vocabulary banks 28 and 29. I will assess how much you have retained of the first 27 when we meet tomorrow."
I smiled blandly, already dreading the test. When I left Seraphim, I never would have guessed that I would end up having to take vocabulary tests again. The things I did for love.
Araxis was out for the day, visiting several other creches; when I'd offered to come, he had gotten a little squirrely and said that he wanted to have these preliminary conversations on his own. When I'd pressed, he had admitted that the creches he was visiting were likely to be rude to me.
"I don't mind," I'd said, not sure how to feel about that. He was going out of his way to accommodate me. I didn't need that, even if there was a sliver of me that maybe possibly… liked it. "I've heard it all before."
"That may be true, Sashen, but I have not heard it all before, and I do not yet trust myself to control my tongue.
" He had leaned in, then, nuzzling his cheek against my own and inhaling deeply against my skin.
"And," he added, drawing back reluctantly, "while you would certainly remind me to be pleasant and strategic, as you did when Creche Zivanis visited, the reserves of my patience are as wells gone dry. "
I'd snorted, and pretended not to feel sad that I was being left behind, even for a good reason.