Chapter 19 #2
Their touch was strangely gentle as they settled my wrist back against my chest, insisting I hold it while they found the right tool.
And maybe it was their softness or maybe it was just everything, but my eyes had just welled up and I'd started crying again, and Rodil seemed to give up on learning more about what had happened when it became clear that the only thing I could say, over and over again, was I'm sorry, until eventually I ran out of both tears and words.
"In truth, I'm comforted to see you react in this way," they'd admitted once I'd stopped weeping and found myself staring blearily, instead, at their fancy pale boots, which I guessed they slept in.
"You tend to skew in the other direction, which is not healthy.
" They'd just finished running an unfamiliar medical tool over my skin, which had made my wrist bones buzz and sting uncomfortably.
"What other direction?" I'd asked blearily, rubbing the already soggy cuff of Araxis's jacket across my eyes.
"You withdraw," they said, gingerly patting my wrist now that it was fixed. "Sometimes, you dissociate. I cannot say if this is common with humans. I don't suppose you would know either. It has been a long time since you've been with your own people."
"They were never my people," I'd said then, sliding from the table and aiming for a watery smile and very deliberately not looking at any of the rest of what Rodil had said. "Thanks. Sorry I woke you up. And – sorry about… being weird sometimes."
Rodil had looked deeply uncomfortable, so I'd taken that as my cue to leave. When I'd gotten back to our room, I peeled out of my clothes and shrugged off the blades, and took a shower so hot that I was sure I'd scoured off the first layer of cells until I was made new again.
By the time Araxis opened the door to our room, I'd settled myself on one of the couches, one knee jutting up in front of me.
I was chewing on the edge of a thumbnail, trying to put together some of the pieces that felt so entirely at odds in my mind.
The Unbound; how they knew what they knew.
The attack and who had paid for it. Vivith, who'd made contact with them in order to, what, make in-roads?
Whatever it was the Unbound wanted us to do.
Whatever had already been bargained for, agreed to.
I'd started scrawling half-formed thoughts down on a datapad, like that might help me make sense of it.
If I understood, maybe I could make sure bad things didn't happen again.
I looked up when Araxis came in, carrying a tray of tea; I saw him take in my posture and the datapad I was scribbling on, blink once, and then cross the space toward me, setting the tray on the nearby low table.
I half-expected him to tell me to set work aside and drink some tea and go to bed.
It was late, and this frantic search for answers probably wasn't a particularly healthy way to end the day, although I was certain that we were edging closer to morning anyway and whatever that meant for what came next.
Instead, though, Araxis settled down next to me. "How is your wrist?"
"Fine. I cried all over Rodil though, so that was awful for both of us."
"Hm." He leaned close, studying the datapad where I was scribbling a list of questions and possible connections.
"How much danger were we in?" I asked, tapping Nizanin's name on the screen. "Just so I know how much to panic retroactively."
Araxis draped an arm across the back of the couch, gently tipping me toward him so that my shoulder rested against his.
"You were not in danger. Elethenn was in a great deal of danger.
I am not certain where I landed in the matter; I suspect I was much safer because you spoke of me with affection.
" He leaned and pressed his mouth to my temple, inhaling deeply.
I set the datapad aside, feeling sick. "The first thing that fucker asked me in that office was – well, it wasn't a question. They told me they knew that I'd been forced into declaring for you, and then they said they hate exploitation."
Araxis leaned back. He looked exhausted, his stare fetching up somewhere in the middle distance – a thousand miles away, a place he couldn't escape. "I gathered as much."
"I told them that I love you and that I'd declare again today.
I told them that you're a good person – but I think I should have probably just acted confused, like I didn't have a clue what they were talking about.
I shouldn't have fucking confirmed it." My voice grew tighter with each word, knee dropping down as I curled forward.
I scrubbed my hands over my face, digging the heels into my eyes until I saw a cascade of bright colours. "I'm so stupid."
"You are not," Araxis said next to me. "This is Vivith's doing. It is challenging to establish in-roads with a… sect like the Unbound. No doubt Vivith purchased a way in using this information. That they chose my greatest shame is –"
I let my hands fall so that I could look at Araxis. He was staring blankly across the room; his eyes were tight with worry as he sat there, deep in thought.
Araxis fluted out a breath. Slowly, he dragged his gaze back toward me.
"Here is what I fear, Sashen: I tasked Vivith with testing the waters with the Unbound, not because I care for their politics but because they have reach, and they are certainly at odds with the Concord.
But I wonder now if – No, I fear I have made a mistake, one with many ill effects.
I have invited greater violence into our lives, and I have allowed Vivith to perhaps… make a play for control."
I suppressed my reaction as best I could.
That sounded bigger and more serious than what Elethenn had said.
The thought of Vivith deliberately moving against Araxis instead of just trying to get out in front of him was intolerable, particularly after all he'd done for Vivith, and if it made the contents of my stomach curdle, it had to be worse for him.
I shifted so that I was facing him entirely.
"You think – Sorry, you fear that they might have given this information to the Unbound because it's leverage against you. "
Araxis blinked, slow. When he spoke, the subvocals humming beneath his words were tight and pained. "If the other creches learned that we – that I had manipulated you and put you in danger to gain status, I would be… There is not a word that is sufficient in Standard, Sashen."
"But I thought sinnenthi take virra all of the time," I said, confused.
"Or that's what Talvi thinks anyway. I know you removed me from a den, but is that materially different from abducting a virra from another creche?
" I'd watched enough recordings of abayan theatre to know that it was a favourite storyline in comedies and tragedies alike.
"That is a very old way of doing things," Araxis said.
"And while it might still happen today, it would only be done as a means to remove a virra from an untenable position.
If a virra is tamed and satiated by an unfit sinnenthi, another sinnenthi, another creche – any arkathi, in truth – would feel honour-bound to intervene.
That would be correct. What I did, because I put you in danger, would be…
I am the unfit sinnenthi. Even by the standards of my people, I have failed you, and those standards are also entirely inadequate at capturing the harm I have done –"
He was winding up for an impressive round of self-flagellation, so I reached and pulled one of his hands into my lap, tracing the shape of his knuckles, the curve of his palm.
"You're not unfit," I said. "I told you before, and I told Nizanin, and I'll – I'll publish an article in Yarix News if you'd like me to: I would declare for you again today.
I don't need to be rescued, and anyone who thinks they need to steal me away is in for a rude awakening. I'd eat them alive, after all."
Araxis couldn't look at me, still staring at nothing in the distance, although his lips twitched as I squeezed his hands.
"Hm, I am certain Nizanin was disappointed.
I – Part of me wonders if they hoped that they might have cause to…
take you away. I wonder –" He stopped, his gaze darting back, skin around his eyes pinched.
"I cannot help but wonder if Vivith implied that… "
My stomach clenched hard, skin suddenly cold.
"What, that I wanted to be taken away by a bunch of fucking murderers?
" What a thought. Although if Vivith thought I was the problem, that would certainly have been one way to get rid of me.
Araxis shrugged, seemingly unable to give thought to what had to be yet another layer of possible betrayal.
And if Vivith had coordinated all of this, what was their play?
I sat with it, uneasy. "Do you think Vivith will come back and use what they told the Unbound to take over as head of house? "
His jaw tightened as he gave the question consideration, and then fluted out a breath.
"That is possible, although I hate to think it," he admitted.
"It seems more likely that they will seek again to establish control over me.
They know… a great deal that would compromise me.
You know this, Sashen. If they were to speak about our contract, or – the way that I am –"
"They'd better fucking not," I said, voice low as a pulse of protectiveness flared inside of me. "And, just so we're clear, I don't want to be part of Creche Thiel if you're not. I declared for you, right, not for the creche? Not like Elethenn?"
Araxis looked at me finally, features softening. He nodded.
"Good. No matter what happens, I'm yours."
He made a soft sound. "As I am yours, Sashen. You are first among all possible treasures. Even now, I – find that I worry less about losing my role and more about how all of this is yet another reminder of how I have failed you."