Chapter 20 #3
I watched as his eyelids fluttered open, his eyes wet and glossy, as he dragged his almost dazed stare toward me.
Whatever was on my face made those eyelashes flutter, startled, accompanied by a little intake of breath, and something shifted in his features, the tension giving way to what looked an awful lot like anticipation as his stare drifted down the length of my neck.
"You – have heard my apology," he said then, voice slightly hoarse.
I had, and I knew what came next. And I thought I knew what he needed but I had to be sure. "So what I'm going to do," I said, "is tell you what I'd like next, but I'm going to lay some ground rules first. Alright?"
He was quiet, dipping his chin in agreement. His tongue flicked out to his lower lip, just a glimpse of purple. I had a lot of thoughts about that tongue, but I also had a lot of thoughts about us, so I guess it was time to practice prioritizing.
"From what I understand – and correct me if I'm wrong – a big part of being a sinnenthi with a declared virra is care-taking.
You tend to my needs: you work to enable my fulfillment.
You make sure I'm content and satisfied.
That includes making sure I'm sexually satisfied.
" Araxis was still quiet, although he flushed silver, so I figured I had summarized it effectively.
"You've said that, if I had cause to be less than satisfied with how we're fucking, another sinnenthi would offer for me.
So the sexual side of our relationship is important, because that's something I want. Because I'm virra."
"Yes," he said when I paused, waiting for his response. "That is correct. Although I wish to offer you what you want because you are you, Sashen." He stressed it, like that was important.
"Okay," I said. "But in a relationship like ours, or in any virra-sinnenthi relationship, if there were occasions when a virra wanted to fuck, and the sinnenthi didn't particularly care to, they'd still do it anyway, right? Because that's tending."
Araxis's head tilted, confused. "Yes."
I thought I was finally understanding, even if the cultural practice was fundamentally at odds with my own values.
It seemed absolutely bizarre that a culture that placed such weight on consenting to hear an apology could be so casual about consent when it came to sex.
But that was why Elethenn had considered offering for me, even though he wasn't attracted to me.
It was why Araxis, who wasn't certain he could feel sexual attraction until we'd fallen together, had still been set on courting me.
Attraction didn't matter. It was about performing your duty, which is why the caldathess was a mark of service.
It wasn't a claim in the way I'd been thinking, although there was an element of that in there still; it just had different dimensions than I'd anticipated.
And I knew that if I didn't spell this out, I'd be worrying, each and every time we had sex, that I was fucking someone who didn't want to, and I couldn't live like that.
"I never, ever want you to fuck me if you don't feel like it.
Not even if I'm, like, going to die from a boner.
" At his startled look, I added hastily, "That's not going to happen; that doesn't happen.
It's hyperbole – I'm not a nín matriarch.
What I'm saying is that I only want to be with you if it's what we both want, and I know you're probably going to say, well, what you want is to tend to my needs, but that's not what I want. "
Araxis shifted his weight slightly, his hands still resting in his lap. "Very well," he said. "Although – could you explain?"
I sighed, crossing my legs. I planted an elbow on the side of the table, propping my chin up with my hand.
"I've fucked a lot of people when I didn't particularly feel like it, but I needed the credits, so I did it anyway.
I know it doesn't bug some people, but it must be some weird cultural hang-up because it definitely bugged me.
It made me feel… really alone? Like I was able to play this part, and my client wouldn't even notice that I wasn't really there.
I, Sashen, wasn't there. And I don't want that feeling to ever touch what we have.
It's like – I guess, for me, sex is like your apology.
It's consent-based. I want us both to consent, and it's ongoing consent. "
"And that consent, for you, must be based on sexual desire," Araxis said carefully. "Rather than one's role."
"For me, anyway," I admitted. "I mean, I had clients before who just wanted to get me off and then definitely didn't want to be touched, and that's fine.
Everyone is different. But that's not what I want with you.
I don't think that could work for me in the long-term.
In a – relationship." A flush crept up my cheeks, my skin suddenly too warm. "If that's what we're doing?"
Araxis trilled suddenly, and when I looked at him, he was smiling.
"Yes, Sashen, that's what we're doing, if that is what you'd like.
I would very much like to think of you as my boyfriend.
" He said the word in English, and hearing it from his mouth was so jarring that I felt like I'd missed a step going down the stairs.
"Yeah, I'd like that," I said, shocked. "I'd – Well, what are you then? And how did you learn that word?"
"In my research," Araxis supplied, looking a little smug.
"Though I should give credit where it is due.
Your translator friend reached out not long after we left the judiciary ship and sent me a package of cultural knowledge that she felt would be of benefit to me.
She said, as someone who has dated an alien, she knew what I should understand, although of course, on Seraphim Station, you may have been taught differently.
And I had thought that I could be your boyfriend as well. "
"You're not a boy," I said. "And sinnenthi-entinn-friend doesn't exactly roll off the tongue."
Araxis shrugged, raising one shoulder and letting it drop.
"Boyfriend is of as much significance to me as he – it is, for me, aesthetic only, of some utility rather than identity.
And you do not feel attraction to women, so girlfriend would not be an appropriate substitution.
And although you are declared for me, I thought perhaps husband might be…
too much? Your language is as gendered as ours, although it is very restrictive with only two primary markers.
I understand there are many other terms and identities in use among humans who are not affiliated with Seraphim, but they are likely outside of your own cultural experience. "
"Yeah, okay then," I said distantly, "You can be my boyfriend.
" I was almost shaken by the ease with which he offered the term husband.
As if that was something I'd even been able to dream of back on Seraphim.
Of course, I'd read since then all about the different marital permutations back in Sol, the ones Seraphim liked to pretend didn't exist, even when they were departing from the solar system – but just like Araxis had correctly understood, they were as foreign to me as any other alien take on romance.
Araxis beamed at me, although his expression sobered a moment later. "I have heard you say that it is important for our relationship, and for your peace of mind, that we are only intimate when we both want that, and for you want means feeling aroused. Is that correct?"
I nodded. "I know it probably doesn't make much sense," I started.
"It does not need to make sense," Araxis said.
"You have told me. You have expressed what you need.
Of course I will listen and comply. I do begin to understand why you would wish this, Sashen.
It is quite different from abayan practices, but you always explain things in a way that makes sense to me. "
I swallowed, my chest warm. It felt impossible, to be able to express something and have him listen and then just… take it on board. And yet, here he was, listening and understanding. Here he was, sharing his entinn side, leaning into it as he'd said he would.
Across from me, Araxis angled his chin down so that, when he watched me, it was through his lashes. "I do wish to tend to you as a sinnenthi today, if I might. That – That is what I wish. I have… been thinking about it for some time, about… caring for you in this particular way."
I locked eyes with him, heat curling in my lower stomach. "That depends," I said, struggling to keep my mind on what I'd resolved, not just what I wanted. "What does that mean?"
The pale skin of Araxis's cheeks had flushed pink, although when he spoke, it was in an even tone, unbothered.
"A sinnenthi tends by focusing on their partner's pleasure entirely.
They take control as a form of service. You understand, now, that caldathess translates to mark of service.
It –" He paused, then, shifting a little, his hands folded carefully in his lap.
"The first time we had sex, you fucked me like you were sinnenthi.
I was startled not that you were so giving, but that I –" He fell to silence, seemingly unable to say the rest. His chest was rising and falling rapidly, his eyes bright.
"That you liked it?" I offered, heat twisting tighter and tighter in my core.
"Yes," he murmured, still unmoving. "And I would – That would be most welcome another time. As for today, I have told you what I want. What is it that you want? This – is how you wish us to proceed, yes? With this type of communication?"