Chapter 21 #2
"Well, I'd really rather not." The thought made my chest constrict.
"But if I had to, then I would. I've done it before.
I've done it twice before. And –" It wasn't my place to offer, but fuck it, I was going to do it anyway.
"And if you ever need to leave, to go somewhere far away from Xitera, somewhere they can't touch, you let me know. I'll put you in touch with my person."
"Hm. You have a person." And although he didn't smile, there was the slightest twitch to his mouth, and it was enough of an opening to give me something to work with.
"I don't know if you've noticed," I said, dry, "but I'm kind of a celebrity. I'm Sesshen Salar, half-voltaari half-human broadcast star."
He trilled, then, and I laughed – and then my laugh became wet and broken and I had to duck my face inside the collar of my jacket. "Ah, fuck," I choked out. "Tam really would have liked that stupid fucking photo."
Next to me, Elethenn shifted, one hand reaching to pat my knee carefully.
"Yes, he would have," he said, soft. "And if you are happy, Sashen, then I am happy for you.
I would not... presume to know what you need or desire better than you do.
You certainly know your own mind. And you have... contingencies?"
I did, so I nodded. "And, just to be clear," I added, carefully not moving my knee where his hand still rested – which felt like a crown of laurels, that he could still be my friend after everything that had happened, that I still merited that.
"I don't need rescuing. Even though I'm virra, and you're sinnenthi, and even though everything with Araxis was...
complicated for awhile. He's mine, and I'm his, and I'm choosing that. "
Elethenn wasn't looking at me, but he inclined his head.
"Yes, I understand," he said. "And as to the rest of it, there is nothing to forgive.
You did not need to apologize. But if it will help, then I forgive you.
" And you know, in a way, it did, so we sat there for a lot longer, saying nothing at all as we watched fake clouds drift across the fake sky overhead.
* * *
It says a lot about how hard we had to work to get ready for our departure from Sozamia and our subsequent arrival in Xitera that on the same day I cried about a friend who'd just been killed and tried to reconcile with another who could have been, I then had to go directly into a meeting with two very rude abaya who were important enough that I had to find the wherewithal to bite my tongue the whole time, despite feeling like a raw nerve thanks to the absolutely stupid couple of days I'd had.
I'd made myself presentable, which was honestly a waste of time: when the entinn and antali arrived from Creche Arvas with their promised pilot in tow, they hadn't spared me any attention except for a quick flash of surprise when they saw the livid caldathess on my skin – I guess they were the type who listened to rumours – and instead addressed Araxis for the entire meeting.
Which would have been fine if they hadn't also refused to even acknowledge that Inmadra was there too, although she seemed as unruffled as ever.
After Creche Arvas had left, I'd sat with Inmadra for a couple of hours to cram in some more language practice.
I'd pointed out, more than once since Vivith had left for their atonement, that maybe lessons weren't the best use of Inmadra's time; both she and Araxis had stressed that the more confident I felt with both language and culture, the better.
So we practiced until my head was swimming with an amalgam of three different languages, while I kept an eye on the clock for the end of the school day.
Rodil had been intending to go, but needed to make an unplanned run to a medical provisioner somewhere deep in the station after reviewing the list of what was already on the creche ship.
And Elethenn, ever generous, had suggested he go along and they could stop into my apartment in Radiant Ward on the way back to clean it out.
It wasn't like I'd be going back there anyway – but that did mean that I was on after-school pick-up duty.
I poked my head into our bedroom to ask Araxis if he wanted to go for the walk – it wasn't good to stare at screens all day, and if we left at a decent time, we might be able to stop in at the private training facility we used for sword-dancing – and found him glaring daggers at the display as it cast blue light across his features.
I came to an abrupt stop in the doorway, craning my neck to take in the board. It glowed with an array of documents in abayan, as well as articles from the morning burst, none of which I could read.
But those weren't what he was glaring at. Instead, he was staring hard at an article with a prominent picture of a familiar gym in Radiant Ward.
I stepped into the room, sliding the door shut behind me with a soft click. "Is everything alright?"
Araxis jolted, as if he hadn't realized I was there.
One hand flashed out to flick the article away.
"Hm." Then, with a shake of his head, "Apologies.
It's – Yes, everything is fine. There is just – You may as well see.
" He tapped the article back open and I stepped in, Araxis shifting to rest his hand against my lower back as I skimmed it.
And I realized, then, why his first suggest had been to hide it away.
The article reported on the murder of a retired pit fighter in Radiant Ward, and it leaned heavily on the shocking revelation that I – recent Galactic Tournament of Superiority contestant Sashen Solar, now Sashen of Creche Thiel – had been training there.
They didn't go so far as to insinuate that I'd killed Tam – that was chalked up to his likely involvement with illegal gambling rings – but they did insinuate that I'd been going for other reasons.
"Are you fucking kidding me," I muttered.
"Sashen of Creche Thiel was not known for his prowess in combat during his time at the Galactic Tournament of Superiority – indeed, the official odds on a Sashen Solar victory were among the lowest seen in the past three Tournaments – but his charisma and sensuality –" I took a moment to linger over that word, incredulous, "– helped establish his audience appeal.
The former dancer turned consort to an abayan prince –" I stopped reading aloud at that point, staring at a picture of myself flirting with the gaanith dancer at the Tournament mixer, positioned next to a photograph of Tam when he'd been younger, gleaming and muscular and standing over an opponent he'd just beat the shit out of at some important pit fight.
"Yes," said Araxis, thin. "I know I should be focused on the reports about the work happening at the manor on Thelessia, but –"
"Just so we're clear," I said, flicking through the rest of the article with an ever-increasing rush of anger, "I wasn't fucking Tam. He wouldn't even flirt with me – not that I wanted him to!"
Araxis reached past me and tapped the article closed.
"Yes, beloved, I know. But you should be aware that this will be circulated in Xitera, and no doubt sources in Primus as well.
You should expect insinuations once we arrive.
Perhaps at some meetings before we leave.
I am certain this… spin was added for the express sake of damaging Creche Thiel.
It is not your fault; it is an underhanded tactic, but you should know that it is coming. "
It is proximity to Xitera that causes this, Elethenn had said, and apparently he was right.
"But isn't the idea that I might be fucking someone else considered private?
" I asked, using the abayan word. "Inmadra said that creche business is something you don't talk about.
You can't. So how can they print this shit in Xitera?
Or even bring it up?" I knew that Zirric had said abaya were terrible gossips, but it was one thing to whisper; it was another thing to print an article saying that I'd been fucking someone else after I'd declared for Araxis.
Hot slut, my brain helpfully supplied, and I reached to scrub my hands through my hair.
"Often, a creche will have investments with a media source outside of the empire, much as Creche Hanalthi has a stake in the guard in Radiant Ward on Sozamia.
If that source prints an article that would be too private for publication in Xitera, it can then be reprinted because it is merely the redistribution of public knowledge. "
Absolute fuckery. "Cool," I said, hands planted on my hips. "Yeah, sure. Of course. And look, I know you said I don't have a huge ego, and I swear I'm not trying to be all woe is me about this. But does it have to be something that makes me look horrible?"
Araxis blinked. "Why would this make you look horrible?" he asked, head tilting.
I shot him an incredulous look. "Because they've basically said, in writing – not just shitty rumours at a museum party – that I'm cheating on you."
"I'm not certain I follow. Cheating as in breaking established rules?"
"No, like cheating. Going around behind your back to fuck someone else, even though I promised I'd be with you.
This isn't just a human concept; it's why we had security at the den, in case people got mad.
Like – Wait." I tried to re-frame. "It's like…
intruding? Like if I had been fucking Tam, or if I had been hooking up with Elethenn, that would make me a bad person. "
Araxis's face was wide open with confusion.
"It would not have. It would have been a transgression on Elethenn's behalf, but one that could only work if I were failing in my duties.
The implication of this article, Sashen, is not that you are a bad person, but that if you are seeking fulfillment elsewhere, I am a poor sinnenthi.
It damages my standing. It will make no one think any less of you. "