Chapter 22
Confession
The creche was in a scramble to get things prepared for departure.
Araxis had to make three trips to the retrofitting dock to look over the finishing touches before the ship could start receiving shipments, although we'd already been receiving goods in our warehouse in Ballast Ward: much of the good will we'd cobbled together had been in exchange for space in our cargo hold, and promises of future support in measures proposed to the Assembly.
Which also meant –
"Have we done it? Is the next one actually our last fucking meeting?
" I asked as we wandered into the kitchen after a long and ponderous sit-down with Creche Imtallin who had, in the end, come on side with supporting Creche Thiel's petition to be fully reinstated.
I knew from what Araxis had said beforehand that theirs was the final vote we needed to secure to guarantee success.
Araxis nodded, smiling at me as he shouldered into the kitchen with the tray in his hands.
"Yes. And it should be straightforward: we have already finalized our agreement with Creche Eshos, so this will be largely about cementing our alliance rather than negotiating terms. All that is left before our departure is to coordinate with provisioners and our warehouse in Ballast Ward to load the hold. We're nearly there, beloved."
And, look, it was maybe a bit of a shame that I hadn't fucked Araxis earlier on the meeting table, because in the half dozen meetings we'd taken in there since – during which I'd dutifully draped myself against him and taken to murmuring scintillating things in his ear like, You can pretend I'm saying something filthy now and had let my hand settle in a familiar, intimate place along the inside of his thigh – he'd been, well, different.
Don't get me wrong: he always steered negotiations and conversations with what seemed like a practiced hand, although I knew, from how he'd spent the last decade of his life, that he was anything but practiced.
But he wasn't just competent now, he was commanding, like there was actual power crackling through him.
During one meeting, after Araxis had very plainly told the representative from Creche Sonen that their proffered terms were insufficient, I'd let the edge of my gossamer top slip from my shoulder to flash the livid caldathess – bitten fresh that morning – while my hands played with the seams of fabric that ran across Araxis's torso.
All of that had the cumulative effect of making the visiting cinelaat flush, apologize, and say they would take a brief meeting to consult with another arkathi on their ship before returning with a significantly better offer.
Once they'd scurried off, Inmadra had looked at Araxis thoughtfully.
"You continue to surprise, Araxis," she'd said as I picked up the cups and tidied the tray.
"You've found a means through which to unsettle our guests in a way that has been very favourable. "
He'd ducked his head a little – and look, I thought I'd probably blush myself to death if Inmadra ever complimented me – and said, "Ah, it was Sashen's idea."
She'd trilled then, a low and unfamiliar sound and I'd actually frozen, crouched over the table with a cup in one hand. "Of course it was," Inmadra said, her black stare falling on me for a second before she returned her attention to Araxis. "Your virra has good instincts."
I only survived that because she'd addressed it to Araxis, not directly to me, so I didn't quite burn up in the corona of her uncharacteristic praise – which, from Inmadra, was practically effusive.
"Will we have our own meeting room in Adralne, or are there common rooms at the Great Hall?
" I asked in the kitchen, twisting my spine as I stood there.
We'd had two meetings in a row, and they'd both run long.
I'd welcome a temporary respite. I knew we'd have a thousand more meetings in Adralne, but I was going to pretend I didn't know about those yet.
"Both," said Araxis, tipping the cups into the cleaning compartment.
I nodded, my hands planted on the edge of the counter as I did a deep stretch of my back, trying to loosen everything.
I hated days like this, where I couldn't burn some of the energy from my body; it was so out of the norm for the last decade of my life.
Maybe more than. We'd had mandatory calisthenics on Seraphim, and I'd rarely missed them: they were one of the few group activities I was good at, and the AI teacher never quoted pointed verses at me while looking disgusted.
"I'm just doing the calculations," I said, tipping my head forward as I lengthened my spine. "On how many places I'll need to fuck you before the Assembly is in session."
Araxis trilled. "Hm. We'll have to reserve time in our schedule." I felt Araxis's hand drop to the curve of my lower back as I twisted to elongate each side of my torso in turn. His touch drifted to my hip, fingers twitching as he touched me.
I shifted my head to look at him from beneath my arm. That touch wasn't just friendly. "Really?" I asked mildly. "And I'm not even arching my back." Which I then did, just to prove a point, and because it made him flush pink.
"Yes, I am aware that now is not the time," Araxis admitted, his voice a little hoarse, because we had only a few minutes before Creche Eshos arrived and that definitely wasn't enough time to fool around.
And as I thought about the tone of his voice, and this particular position – bent over and stretched out – and also the educational materials Valerie had sent him, the thought occurred to me that he probably wanted to fuck me.
I mean, I knew he wanted to have sex with me, but I thought he probably wanted to be inside of me, and there was no way he was going to say anything about it.
Abaya were all tied up in knots about penetrative sex to begin with; it was still wild that he'd wanted me to fuck him, that he'd asked for it.
And even now, it wasn't something we did as frequently as other things.
So if that had been challenging, I couldn't imagine a world in which he'd ask if he could fuck me.
I pushed myself off the counter as the kettle whistled and the stove clicked off.
"You go make that," I said, Araxis's hand dropping away as he moved to the tray we'd gotten ready.
I leaned casually against the counter, waiting for him to finish pouring the boiling water before I said, "When Valerie sent you educational materials, did she include any interesting videos? "
Araxis's blush, which had been fading, darkened at once, and the look he shot me could only be described as guilty.
Although why he'd feel guilty was beyond me – so it was worth saying.
"Don't feel weird about that. I don't care – personally, I'm a fan of hot educational videos – and you've already told me you're learning things.
You've already demonstrated that you're learning things. "
He huffed out a breath, reaching up to smooth his crest although it was immaculate. "It – I should not – Hm." I gave him a moment to work it out, and he sighed. "There is quite a cultural taboo around sexually explicit materials, as there are cultural taboos around certain…"
"Ways of getting off?" I supplied, mild, and he nodded, looking miserable.
"Believe it or not, my space cult had a lot of those too.
And if you're feeling weird and embarrassed because you'd like to fuck me in some of those culturally taboo ways, there is literally nothing you could suggest that would be new.
I mean –" I flicked at my wristband and pulled up my old price list from Alet Trident's, which I sent to Araxis.
"Most dancers list things they won't do.
You'll notice that I'm not most dancers. "
To his credit, Araxis did look at the list while the tea was steeping, and even though he'd been doing his own learning, there were a few things that made his head tilt in surprise. When he looked up at me, he said, "These prices are different."
I laughed. He had been paying attention, even then. "Yeah, I offered you my cheapest rate. I liked you. I probably would have done it for free, except I really fucking needed the credits. And Alet Trident didn't like it when we offered that level of discount."
"Yes, I suppose that would be a poor business practice," he said quietly, still studying the list. Then, "I was certainly tempted, Sashen. I had not expected that. You know that I did not expect… any of how I would feel."
That still struck me as fucked up. "So you thought you wouldn't feel anything for me, sexually or romantically. What would you have done if that had been the case? You were still going to seduce me, I imagine."
He stared at the display projecting from his wrist, and I could see the tightening of the skin around his eyes as he considered the alternate timeline in which that was the case.
"I would have tended to you as a sinnenthi should have.
I think… considering that now, I can understand how that would have been hurtful.
Harmful. It is as you've said: what we share should be genuine. "
"Did you just say that I'm right about something?" I asked, pleased.
If he could have rolled his eyes, he would have.
"I tell you that you are right all of the time, Sashen.
" He blinked the menu shut and studied me.
"It may be that you once offered any and everything to those who took interest, but you are no longer a dancer and I am not your client.
You would like us to only have sex when we are both interested; I would like to only partake in activities that you enjoy.
That you would do anything does not mean you would enjoy everything. "