Chapter 22 #3
When Araxis spoke, his voice was carefully even.
"Vivith will return soon. I will speak with them at greater length about the negotiations they engaged in.
Although it is distasteful, although it feels intolerable, it is better for us to have them as a…
potential ally than an enemy. We have enemies enough.
There are things we agree on – that the Concord holds too much power; that we have strayed far from our ancient traditions; that the way we treat crecheless abaya is unacceptable – even if they valorize an ancient past for the sake of its veneration alone, rather than choosing that which might serve us and discarding that which was as unjust then as it is now.
I will speak with Nizanin when I see them; I will assure that they understand that none of their members are to speak with you or threaten you again.
You are a cherished member of Creche Thiel, and any further actions or words will be seen as a move against our creche.
I will make it plain that I would be honour-bound to respond accordingly. "
Elethenn's jaw was tight; he tipped his chin even further down, pale and washed out. "But – you will still work with them?"
"I fear that I must," said Araxis, soft. "It has been determined. The writ is signed."
Elethenn swallowed back a tight sound of distress, shaking his head as he stared, hard, at his own hands.
"I should not be surprised that you cannot understand," he muttered.
"How could you know what it's like to be held in such contempt?
But I have lived with it for much of my life.
I will bear it if it is what you require. "
The air in the dining room was thick with tension and hurt. I plucked at my collar so I could swipe away the dampness that had gathered in my lower lashes.
Araxis shifted next to me, uncomfortable. Then, his voice quiet and, for the first time since we'd sat down, threaded through with uncertainty, he said, "I do understand."
I straightened, looking at him. Araxis had squared his shoulders, pulled himself tall.
I saw, then, the rapid rise and fall of his chest as he prepared himself for something.
You cannot understand what it's like to be held in such contempt, Elethenn had said – but of course Araxis did, even if it was a wound he bore in private. But was he going to keep it private?
"Respectfully, being head of an exiled house is different from being loathed because of what you are," Elethenn said.
"Araxis," I murmured, watching him steel himself. My hand drifted to his thigh, squeezing, and one hand – pale, cold – settled on mine as my pulse shuddered in my throat.
I could see him weighing what this kind of confession would cost him. I could see him evaluating whether Elethenn might understand. He glanced at me, a tiny fraction of a second, as if looking for guidance, but I couldn't give him any, not on this.
"I –" Araxis hesitated. Then, he looked down at his tea, a subtle ripple of emotion – disappointment, maybe – crossing his features before he folded it away.
He pulled his hand away from mine. "You are right, of course, and I – I offer my apology.
You say this agreement is intolerable for you.
Would you like to be released from your declaration? "
My stomach lurched, and Elethenn looked up, startled. "I – You – Is that what you want?"
"Creche Thiel would very much like to keep you.
" Araxis turned his cup in front of him with long, graceful fingers, a tic that meant he was uncertain, off-balance.
"It is of immeasurable value to have another sinnenthi in our creche.
You are well-liked by all of us, and you are our Sashen's friend.
But you must follow the course that feels truest to who you are.
And... perhaps I should not say it, but I certainly hope that the path you choose will keep you here.
I would wish for you to stay, Elethenn, though I will honour your own wishes above my own. "
Elethenn's eyes were glossy as he studied Araxis, his mouth a tight line.
"How will you protect us from them if they ask for more, Araxis?
If they seek to use what they know against you?
If you make Creche Thiel home to others like me, like Celravi and Thodin – If they loathe us, what might they demand next? "
"I trust that I will not need to protect everyone on my own," Araxis said, voice humming with tight subvocals.
"And Sashen and I have spoken at great length about how best to dissipate the leverage that Nizanin believes they have against me.
We have a plan. But if you cannot trust that, if you cannot trust in me as head of house, then –"
Elethenn made a miserable sound, tipping his head forward into his hands. "I do trust you, Araxis, I have told you as much. If you truly wish for me to stay, knowing my reservations… then I will stay. You will have me by your side for as long as you wish."
Part of me wondered if that should feel like a victory, but it didn't. Instead, as Elethenn rose to gather the untouched tea and I retreated with Araxis to our room, I felt only that the space behind my ribs was hollow, a vast emptiness.
I'd brought Elethenn here, and while I didn't want him to go – and I really didn't – seeing the misery and pain on his familiar features was wretched.
Creche Thiel was meant to be his home, and instead it felt like it had become his prison.
But could it be a prison if you chose to stay, if yours was the hand that locked the door, if you chose to throw away your own key?