Chapter 26 #2
"I'm sorry, did you not want to wrap your hand around my throat and exert control and pin me to the mattress and fuck me?"
"I –"
"Or is this a consistency thing?" I forcibly yanked up the zipper of my jumpsuit and pushed past him into our bedroom.
I didn't know where I was going exactly, but I had to move because I couldn't just stand there while he was, for some impossible reason, upset about fucking me.
"Is it because if I'm yielding in bed, and then not in real life, it threatens your feeling of being sinnenthi or whatever? Or –"
"Sashen, that is not what I mean." He'd followed me across the room to where I was currently glaring out one of the windows to the park beyond.
"But you want to fuck me like a sinnenthi," I said, insistent. "You told me. I've been doing that for you, because it's what you want. And what you need. When I fucked you in the meeting room, that was helpful, right? You took what you wanted, and I gave it to you."
I turned to look at him, and Araxis was flushed as he hovered awkwardly in the middle of the room. "That – That was not – I was not exerting control then, Sashen. I was – " He bit off the rest of the words, choking on them.
What wasn't I understanding? "I can't give you what you want if you don't tell me," I continued, chest aching unpleasantly, my heart doing something fluttery and awful. "God, this is why it's easier to have a price list. You can just order whatever you want from a menu and then I'll know."
"I – I would not want that," Araxis insisted, his voice tight.
"What I want – I –" He fell to silence, and it was pointed and jagged enough that I felt something snag beneath my irritation, like a sleeve catching on a piece of rough polymer.
There was a glassiness to his expression that was almost startling, and he couldn't quite meet my stare.
I studied him, standing there, his fingers playing nervously with seam of a pocket, his skin flushed and mottled.
What did he want, I wondered, that he was ashamed of?
That he couldn't tell me? When I'd just outlined, clearly, that all I wanted was to understand so that I could give it to him?
Past Araxis's shoulder, I could see new messages arriving, an endless stream of pulsing dots of lights.
We had a lot to do and not much time to get it done – not if we were moving up our whole timeline because apparently a creche had gotten permission to try and kill Araxis.
Suddenly, arguing about our sexual dynamic seemed incredibly stupid, particularly when our dynamic was, no matter which way you looked at it, electric.
"We can talk about this more later," I said, gentling my tone like I knew he needed.
"Just to be clear, I really enjoyed last night.
And also to be clear, if there are times when you'd like to fuck me like a sinnenthi and if there are other times when you'd like to do something else, or have me do something else –"
He ducked his head, so I figured I'd gotten that right, at least.
"Then we can do that. It doesn't have to just be one way, or the same every time. You just need to tell me. Especially if you're feeling bad or weird about what you want. I specialize in having weird hang-ups."
"You do not," Araxis said, voice tight. "You've said you have none."
He had me there. "Well, maybe that's because I haven't thought very much about what exactly I do like, because I haven't had much sex just for fun.
You were the one who told me that sex might be different if I wasn't fucking someone for work, and you were right – but that means that I just – I don't know, Araxis.
" It came out defensive, although I didn't intend it to.
"I – Yes, I understand." Which was a relief: I wasn't sure I did.
He cleared his throat, still uncertain and stiff.
"But it is – important to me that… I don't want you to think of me as a client you're trying to please.
As you don't wish for me to tend to you when I'm not aroused, this is what I need from you, Sashen. "
What, he needed me to not think about what he needed?
I wasn't sure how to turn that off. I exhaled, crossing my arms and squeezing hard to try and force myself into the present.
"I can try," I said, my voice smaller than I meant for it to be.
"I mean, that's new to me. Sex is what I'm good at, and I want – Obviously I want to be a good boyfriend, I want to be what you need, and –"
A soft, pained sound escaped Araxis. "You are what I need, beloved," he said. "As you are."
Which sounded good, but there were whole swaths to me he didn't know: entire realms of darkness, secrets I carefully hid away.
It was one thing to say you could love someone unconditionally; it was impossible to actually do it.
I knew that. I'd known it for a long time.
Even my cult's god had loved with strings attached.
My jaw flexed around a thousand things I wanted to say, but couldn't shape into words, so I just stood there, silent and aching.
"Perhaps – we could explore what we both like… together?" Araxis tried, watching me uncertainly.
I nodded, numb. I flexed my arms hard against my body. And then, because I had to know, "But did you like last night?"
I was horrified to hear, when the question left my mouth, that it sounded vulnerable and tentative, like I was afraid of what the answer might be.
And wasn't I? What if he said no? What if he'd been trying to perform a role for me, like I'd been trying for him, and he hadn't wanted to fuck me? What if I'd made him?
"Yes, Sashen," Araxis said. "Yes. I could write a poem. I could write a dozen." Then, with a slow, uncertain smile, "Perhaps I will commission a statue when we return to Xitera. Certainly, your body should be celebrated. All of you should be."
A knot gave way in my chest, and I exhaled. We were going to have to get better at talking about all of this. I didn't want to always be guessing. The thought that I'd made him do something –
It was unbearable. And maybe that was what he felt too.
Knowing how much he'd liked everything, on the other hand, and that he wanted to explore whatever was unnameable to him, knowing that I could maybe help him figure it out and he could help me –
"You just want to make all the other arkathi jealous," I said, trying for a smile.
He shrugged in his casual, not-quite-right way. "When they are jealous, they negotiate poorly." Then, lips quirking, "You are very good at helping assure others always negotiate at disadvantage. You are a treasure, Sashen – you know that."
I wasn't, but if he believed I was, that would have to suffice. "Since I'm so good at helping with negotiations and difficult meetings," I said, "you're lucky I'm going with you to our ship, where I can make Nizanin jealous too."
The look he shot me was flat, so I just kept going.
"Well, you can't take Elethenn," I reasoned, and Araxis's features tightened just at the thought, "and obviously Egnax can't stay on the ship for whatever the fuck is going to happen; she's ishik, and tact isn't exactly her strong suit.
Same for Evreni: she'd be a disaster. So who else would you take – Inmadra?
She didn't even think Celravi should go listen to Nizanin speak, so she definitely wouldn't approve of meeting with them, and you wouldn't make her do something she hated.
Vivith? We're supposed to be keeping the two of you apart in case you're attacked. "
From the guilty shift of his features, I assumed that Vivith was, in fact, the right answer.
Which was ridiculous. Not only did Vivith not have the training I did – and Araxis had admitted, when pressed, that I'd gotten a lot better; I'd knocked him flat on his ass a couple of times when we'd actually managed to find time for sparring; I'd even drawn blood once and, while that had made me shaky and apologetic, I hadn't burst into tears or gone perfectly still and silent, so I was better in more ways than he even knew – but also they were Vivith.
No matter their intentions, no matter how readily they swore they hadn't meant to throw everything into disarray, no matter how loudly they insisted that they were loyal to the creche and to Araxis, words were cheap.
Actions were what counted, and Vivith had fallen short on both recently.
And, most importantly and despite the fact that it sounded fucking awful to me, Vivith would head Creche Thiel if anything happened to Araxis; they shouldn't go to a meeting together, not when it might be dangerous.
In the end, I won the argument – of course I did; I'm virra and he's my sinnenthi – and we ended up heading out that afternoon for our scheduled meeting with Nizanin. Araxis had insisted that I go armed. I tried to bargain for my swords, but he said plainly that it would come across as hostile.
"Are you sure it wouldn't come across as sexy?" I'd suggested. "What if I wore something slutty? What if I offered to dance for your guest?"
To his credit, he seemed to consider it for some time, before waving away the idea.
I'd tried to point out that if voltaar swords, for dancing, were hostile, then surely a visible arc lance had to be as well, but Araxis had merely shaken his head and said that firearms were considered good and pragmatic, whereas swords would be thought of as flashy.
If he'd wanted pragmatic, he'd picked the wrong dancer, but it was his call in the end.
We'd swung down to Ballast Ward before departure, checking on our warehouse and coordinating with one of the agencies for our new loading date, and then we stopped in to pick up the arc lance he'd had customized for me.
We hit the range and did a few practice rounds, Araxis quick to make minor tweaks and adjustments as the sephear proprietor smiled beatifically at me.
"Here," she said before we left. "My daughter made you a drawing. "