Chapter 32 #2
When had that happened? I looked at Inmadra, startled, and she fluted out a flat, irritated breath.
"I will admit to some disappointment in the other arkathi of Creche Thiel when the situation was explained," she said, "but Araxis and Vivith were expected to lead and guide well before either would have been ready, in ideal circumstances.
Errors – even serious ones – were to be expected.
How fortunate they both are that you are so generous.
You would have been well within your rights to file a complaint, or to ask another creche to offer for you. "
My mouth was dry. I hadn't known I could file a complaint.
With who, the Assembly? And there wasn't a universe in which I would have anyway, because that would have jeopardized the entire creche.
That would have put the kids in danger. "I want to be here," I stressed, worried that Inmadra, like Elethenn, might have gotten the wrong impression.
"And a lot of that press conference was bullshit, but I did mean it when I said that Creche Thiel feels like my family.
It feels better than my family ever did back on Seraphim.
I'm here by choice. I know I don't have to be. "
Inmadra nodded, as if this was expected.
"You see?" she said pointedly to Vivith, whose shoulders drew up even closer to their pointed ears.
"In any case, the stakes are too high for serious conflict to exist in our creche, and if your Araxis expects us to travel with him to Xitera, we require much greater cohesion from the arkathi of Creche Thiel.
I would not put Celravi and Thodin at risk without assurances that Creche Thiel is united, and I am satisfied with the progress I have seen thus far from our Vivith and our Araxis.
But – this is why Vivith and I wished to speak with you, Sashen. You are affected by this as well."
Vivith seized on this, almost desperately, straightening.
"Yes," they said. "Yes. And you are right: I should make an apology.
" They swallowed then, slowly turning their cup in place.
"I ascribed a great deal that you did, Sashen, to malice or ill-intent, which was not fair.
It was because of what we had done to you that I doubted that your affection for Araxis might be genuine.
And you have learned our language quickly; you have demonstrated unexpected competence in combat; you endear yourself with ease to those in your orbit; you were particularly convincing at the Tournament.
You do not conduct yourself in the way one would expect of a declared virra, and yet you do not behave as if you are undeclared.
I saw all of this and I attributed it to competent manipulation.
But I know this is not the case now. You saved our Araxis's life with little thought for your own safety, and you did the same for our Talvi. "
This time, I had to look away. I shifted, pulling my knees up and resting my cheek against them, head angled away so that I was staring at the door into the hallway instead of watching Vivith. I'd killed someone just inside that door; I'd killed someone else right outside of it.
I closed my eyes and listened, even though I wasn't sure that I could actually stomach Vivith, of all people, apologizing to me.
It felt like a kindness from them might actually break something in me.
I'd learned that apologies hurt – they hurt me, anyway – and it made me feel fragile and vulnerable and exposed.
I couldn't do that with Vivith, but I had to. Clearly, they had something to say.
"I see, now, that the actions you took when you freed our Celravi from the detention centre were earnestly taken," continued Vivith, seemingly unbothered by the sudden shift in my posture.
"You have a softness I did not anticipate, and so I instead perceived your generosity of spirit as an affectation.
He is a dancer, I told myself. Everything he does must therefore be an act; none of it can be true – but I was mistaken.
What is true is that Araxis was correct in his assessment of you: you are an uncommon soul, and you are –"
If it was Araxis, he would say I was a treasure.
But no matter if that's how Vivith intended to complete the phrase, they almost choked on the words, and instead settled on, "You offer much to our creche, and I apologize both for how we brought you to Creche Thiel and that I did not see what you bring earlier. "
"Okay," I murmured, chest tight, eyes still closed as I breathed through the way this ached.
Because Vivith, who hated me, was being kind and claiming I was generous, and that hurt not just because it meant someone I didn't even like was prodding at a wound that still felt raw.
It hurt because I knew the truth, didn't I?
Vivith had been right to be suspicious of me. They'd been right not to trust me.
I'd been selfish and scared. I had lied; I'd shared private information; I'd broken the trust of everyone in the creche.
And the voice that kept screaming inside of me that what I'd shared wasn't bad, it wasn't, it was nothing, grew fainter and fainter the more I understood about abayan culture.
I'd let myself be driven by my own fear instead of thinking about what was right.
I'd wanted to maybe build things back with Araxis, and then I'd made sure that the walls that I was building were sitting on sand.
If the wise man built his house upon rock, what did that make me?
And was it possible for me to just make sure that everything else was strong enough that the weakness I'd introduced into our relationship never showed?
Because what mattered was that I'd stopped. I was stopping. I knew better, so I was going to be better. We didn't have a contract now, and I wasn't slipping encrypted files to a foreign political entity. I was behaving.
I cleared my throat and made myself look at Vivith.
"Thank you," I said distantly. "I hope you know that I'd do anything for Araxis.
I'd do anything for the kids. I – Part of why I was so mad at Araxis after I found out about…
everything was because, if you'd just told me, I would have helped.
But no one ever looks at me and sees someone who could do good things.
They just see… a mess, when really, if I had to walk out an airlock for anyone in this creche, I would.
" My eyes prickled with heat, which was horrifying and awful, and Vivith just stared at me, head tilted.
"Hm." Their mouth was a flat line as they inspected me while I wiped at my lower lashes. "You would walk out of an airlock for your creche-mates. I will have to keep that in mind for when I find you particularly irksome."
I had one moment to feel like I'd been punched in the stomach, before Vivith let a low trill slip from their throat – and I understood that they were making one of their dark jokes, like they had with Araxis.
"Oh, fuck off," I said, laughing wetly. "I'm trying to be earnest here –"
"Yes," intoned Vivith. "I hate it."
"– and, in a truly shocking turn of events, you're being a jerk about it." I smiled, hesitant, despite myself.
"I am being entirely magnanimous. Ah, I realize I have used a word with too many syllables."
"You can take your too many syllables," my smile grew wider with delight, "and shove them up your –"
Inmadra poured us all more tea, shaking her head, as Vivith and I continued to squabble in a way I could only describe as good-naturedly, which was about as strange as realizing that the laws of physics had suddenly stopped working.
Finally, Inmadra cleared her throat, and we both fell into line accordingly.
"In truth," said Inmadra with the patience of a saint, "we meant to speak with you for another reason.
It is important for the well-being of Creche Thiel that Araxis and Vivith are on good terms, which means it is essential that the two of you are amicable as well, as you ought to be.
A virra is a treasure for the entire creche. "
Something about her tone, serious and deliberate, made me pull back from the joke I'd nearly cracked about one cinelaat's trash being a creche's treasure, although it wouldn't have translated anyway.
Vivith's lips tightened as they looked to Inmadra, who only blinked placidly at them.
"If I must," they said when it became clear that Inmadra wasn't going to step in for whatever came next.
"Sashen, we wished to come to you together so that we might, as cinelaat of Creche Thiel, urge…
caution. You hold great sway with our Araxis.
You shape his opinion, perspective, and actions in a way that no other does. "
The good humour that had been lingering, pleasant and warm, in my chest dissipated.
I straightened. "I mean, we talk about things.
But I'm not telling him what to do, if that's what you're implying.
I haven't tried to influence Araxis. All I'm trying to do is support him.
" Was this about Araxis's new ways of thinking that Vivith didn't approve of?
But if that was the case, Inmadra wouldn't be sitting next to them, patiently watching the two of us as if waiting for us to answer a question she'd posed in a lesson.
"Hm." Vivith studied me. "Regardless of whether you wished for it or not, the fact remains: you might guide our Araxis in any direction, and he would follow.
He is a very fine head of house and he has been training for this role for the entirety of his life.
You have not. And so you must be mindful: what you say or do on impulse could easily become his direction, and the stakes in Xitera are impossibly high.
If we falter, the creche will collapse. If Araxis falters, it will be the end of us. "
I shifted where I sat, uncomfortable. "And I've fucked up before," I tried, uncertain. "And you're afraid I'll fuck up again?"