15. Sully #2
“Our first Homecoming,” Ellie said. She was no longer smiling, not really. But smile lines still outlined her pretty, delicate mouth from her laughing fit, and a rosy hue covered her complexion, brightening her expression.
And maybe it was the soft tone of her voice or just the fact that she was here again, lying on my bedroom floor, but I found myself admitting, “Best night of my life.”
“Really?”
She turned, blinking up at me, and it was then that I realized I still hovered over her.
My arms and legs were braced on either side of her slight frame, caging her in.
But she didn’t entirely seem like she minded.
Her hair fanned out across the floor, and her dark, wet lashes sparkled as she gave me a curious look, our eyes connecting.
I found myself wishing we could stay in this moment forever. Ellie felt real, tangible again. Unlike the night in Boston when she’d been on her back, just like this, and I’d been inside her but couldn’t find her.
Maybe she was remembering it, or maybe she was realizing the intent in my gaze, but I could have sworn her breath hiccuped.
“I mean, it was one of them,” I said honestly, answering her question. “Unfortunately for me, all the best nights of my life were with you.”
“Sawyer…” My name left her lips in a puff of air, barely audible, but I was just happy to hear her say it. The right one. Even if it did sound a bit like she was pitying me. “What about, I don’t know, college graduation?”
I shrugged. “Just a piece of paper.”
“No, it wasn’t,” she argued, but I hadn’t cared about my college graduation. By the time senior year rolled around, I’d come to despise my classes, my program, everything. Began hating school all over again.
“You know…I watched,” she said, and I felt my body lower—inch toward her—as though it would help me understand what she was saying better.
“What?”
“I watched your college graduation. On a grainy livestream.”
Fuck.
I searched her face for some indication that she was telling the truth. My heart thudded in my chest, achy and annoying, while Ellie stared back, seeming determined not to shy away from my probing gaze. She fluttered her damp lashes, but she always returned to my eyes, letting me see her.
I fucking loved seeing her. Really seeing her again.
And I knew from the openness in her expression that she was telling the truth about graduation.
But that didn’t mean I knew how to respond to the admission, especially when I’d missed hers.
When I hadn’t been able to watch her take those steps away from me.
Guilt rained down, my emotions more conflicted than ever.
“Couldn’t have been that interesting,” I muttered, glancing away.
“It was…” she began slowly, toying with my heartstrings. “Well, it was interesting to me.”
I was leaning closer again, unable to help myself. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” She licked her lips, and my gaze inadvertently dropped to her mouth. “Hey, Sawyer?”
“El?”
I forced my eyes back to hers, but it wasn’t any better. Only inches separated Ellie and me at this point. Her shallow breaths ghosted my skin as she exhaled, and her chest grazed mine with each inhale.
“Don’t get rid of this stuff,” she whispered.
“The pictures?”
“Any of it.”
“I don’t know. It’s probably time to…clear this room out,” I said hoarsely. Unconvincingly. “Move on.”
She blinked up at me with those big brown eyes, and even though I just said the words move on, I was doing anything but that. In my head. And here, in this bedroom. I wasn’t moving anywhere but toward her. Always back to her.
“I think this will maybe be good for us,” I added, even as I slid my hand a few inches down so it covered Ellie’s upturned palm, which rested beside her head. My skin tingled where it touched hers, sparks of familiarity licking my insides.
Her breath hitched ever so slightly, telling me she felt it, too. “What will?”
“You, living here.”
I dragged my palm over hers until my fingertips grazed the faint outline of the veins in her wrist. She shivered, and I stopped, pressing my hand flat to hers.
With painstaking attention, I aligned our fingers—as much as two hands that were drastically different sizes could be aligned, anyway.
“Being here. It’ll be like…exposure therapy, I think. ”
That’s what this was—this thing I was doing where I touched her. It was exposure therapy. Ex-sanctioned exposure therapy. Totally normal.
One half of her mouth curved, distracting me with its graceful, beautiful shape. “Isn’t exposure therapy, like, when you’re slowly exposed to things you’re scared of?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Pretty sure it’s something like that.”
She cocked her head a little. “Are you scared of me, Sawyer?”
“Mmm,” I hummed. “You could say that.”
It wasn’t so much that I was scared of her, but I was definitely scared of whatever it meant that she was back.
I was scared of the proximity. I was scared that I would fall back into some sort of hopefulness that maybe she’d stay.
And then she’d leave, just like before, and I’d never recover.
I was scared I’d touch her, and then she’d disintegrate in my fingers, and I’d never be able to fully grasp her again.
So yeah, I was scared. Terrified, really.
“If it makes you feel better, I’m scared, too,” she whispered as she shifted her fingers to intertwine with mine, clasping our hands together.
Alarm shot into my throat. Because here I was thinking about her, about wanting her, and being selfish with the way I wanted her, and she was likely scared for more totally legitimate reasons. She had months of pregnancy ahead of her to navigate as she started her life over here.
“I know, El.” I tightened my grip on her hand. “But it’s going to be okay. I promise—”
“Ellie?!”
Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me.
“Sul?!”
Nope, not kidding.
My brother’s voice was unmistakable as it rang through the house, followed by the slam of the front door.
God fucking damnit.