31. Ellie
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
ellie
“HELLOOO!”
I did a double take at the screen of my phone when the voice that answered my call was undoubtedly not my best friend, but someone who sounded about twenty-five years younger. And then, “What’s up, Aunt Ellie?” came through the speaker, and everything made sense.
I laughed, my heart immediately squeezing with a joy I hadn’t expected to experience on this phone call, considering my plan to fill Natalie in on everything that had happened since I saw her at the custody trial.
It had only been a couple of weeks, but God, it felt infinitely longer.
“What’s up, Chlo? How’s my favorite almost fifth grader?”
“Nu-uh,” she shot back, as sharp as ever. “I asked you first.”
“Just calling to fill your mom in on some stuff,” I answered with a soft smile, pulling my legs beneath me on the couch and dragging a blanket over my lap.
I’d made a comment the other day that the house was feeling a bit warm, and Sully immediately cranked the air-conditioning, and now I didn’t want to complain that it was freezing. It would probably become a sauna.
“Is it cool stuff?” Chloe questioned, always curious.
I winced but didn’t have the heart to tell her no. So I said, “Well, I’ve been hanging out with your uncles.”
“I have, like, a lot of uncles, Aunt Ellie,” she said with a deep sigh, as though it were truly wearing to keep track of her family members.
Another laugh slipped out of me. It was amazing how talking to children forced a bit of personality back into you. Forced you to be a different version of yourself. “Sully and Theo.”
“Oh.” Some mental calculations on her part. “Are you in Minnesota?”
“I am,” I said. “I’ve seen your grandma, too. I stayed with her for a bit.”
“Does she have any new puppies?”
“She always has new puppies.”
“True!” Chloe’s voice grew further away for a second before she came back with snacks, if I had to guess. She sounded like she was chomping on something as she pondered aloud, “My mom told me that when I was younger, you dated Uncle Sully. Is that true?”
Inwardly, I sighed.
Outwardly, I tried to keep my voice bright.
“Yeah, Chlo. That’s true.”
“Really?” she squealed. “Maybe since you’re back in Minnesota, you could date him again. That would be, like, really cool.”
“Would it?” I breathed, struggling with what else to say.
“Um, yeah.”
I sucked in a breath before slowly exhaling.
“Well, Chloe—”
I was well on my way to coming up with a media-trained sort of answer (because yes, fifth graders were surely as terrifying an interviewer as those people who yell things at you along the red carpet), when she cut in.
“It’s just that Mom was telling me how people who are in relationships are supposed to have things in common, and one of the reasons that she’s no longer with Dad is because they didn’t really agree on things anymore.”
Slightly stunned by this change in topic, but not complaining about it, I said, “Yeah, that’s true, Chlo.”
“And remember when you used to live with us when I was in, like, kindergarten?”
I was not following where we were going with this, but at this point, I was along for the ride. “Sure do.”
“And you made me build LEGOs with you when you babysat me?”
I decided not to inform her that there was no s in LEGO. “I don’t think I made you.”
“You did,” she said matter-of-factly and then immediately backtracked. “Well, you didn’t. But I only did it to be nice. Because you were kind of sad sometimes, and you seemed less sad when we’d do that.”
My lips parted, but no words came out.
“And anyway, ugh, do you know who else thinks I like LEGOs?”
“Who?” I asked weakly.
“Uncle Sully!” She practically screamed his name—two parts excited and one part exasperated. “He sends me pictures of the things he makes because I think he thinks I care—”
“Ouch, Chloe,” I laughed.
“No, I mean, they’re cool! But I’m just saying, maybe he should send the pictures to you instead! Because that’s something you guys have in common, right?”
“Right,” I said, croaking the word out.
“Can I tell him to send them to you?” she asked, but her words sort of bounced like she was bouncing.
“Sure, kiddo,” I said, trying to sound excited for her benefit while tears welled in my lash line.
“Okay! Here, you can talk to Mom now.”
It should be studied—the quickness with which she ditched the phone as soon as she got what she wanted, and when Natalie’s voice sounded through the speaker, I wasn’t sure if I was laughing or crying.
“Ellie? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, sorry.” I sniffed, running a hand down my face. God, I was a mess. “Your daughter is just causing me some emotional damage.”
“Oh my God, what did she do?”
“Nothing. She’s just…playing matchmaker.”
“Oh no.” Natalie dragged out the word. “Was it the LEGO thing? I specifically told her not to bring that up.”
“Yes.” I was both laughing and crying harder now. “But it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” Natalie sighed. “I was pretty damn clear that Uncle Sully—”
“Really, it’s fine. I’m actually here. With him.”
“Wait—you’re…in Minnesota?”
“Yeah.” I took a deep breath, summoning the strength to get through this conversation.
Sully had been encouraging me to call Natalie for a couple of days, thinking it might help to have her support.
When I’d finally decided I was ready, he’d offered to do it with me, but I told him it would probably be easier to have this conversation without him.
He hadn’t argued. I think he was just happy that I was willing to talk to someone.
In the distance, I could hear the buzzing of the lawn mower as he cut the grass outside.
He was always moving, always trying to keep busy.
“I’ve been meaning to call you and fill you in, but…” I trailed off, not really having a good excuse to end with.
Luckily, Natalie didn’t seem to care.
“What’s going on?”
Another deep breath.
“You know earlier this summer, in Boston?”
“Yeah…” Natalie responded cautiously.
“I might have slept with your brother.”
There was a long pause before, “What?”
“I might have also gotten pregnant,” I rushed on. “And moved back to Minnesota because of it.” Natalie sucked in, shocked, but I forged ahead, not wanting to linger on something that was no longer the reality of the situation. “And I might have also lost that pregnancy. So now I’m just…here.”
I was just here, even though my original purpose for being here was gone.
And I’d never felt more confused. More lost or uncertain. More gutted or heartbroken.
“Oh my God, Ellie,” she said in a hush. “Oh, El. I don’t even know what to say. Do you want me to come? How are you doing? What can I do?”
In the background, I heard the clicking of a keyboard, like she was already looking up airfares on her laptop.
“You don’t need to come,” I said, shaking my head. “You don’t need to do anything. I’m…okay, all things considered. Surviving.”
Okay felt like a stretch, but I didn’t want her to worry.
I would be okay; I just needed some time to sort through my feelings and figure out what my new direction was.
I needed a chance to grapple with this grief, the complexity of it.
I needed to give my body a break because it didn’t feel normal, that a person should bleed quite so much while also being expected to continue life as normal, to answer emails and respond to meeting notices.
“You said Sully is with you?”
“Yeah, we’re staying at Maple Street.”
“Okay.” I could picture her: hands on her hips, brows tugged together over striking green eyes, ready to solve the world’s problems. She was in her big sister mode. “Okay, that’s good. And you told him? He knows?”
She would ask that, like she knew that I’d be the kind of person to try to do this on my own.
“He knows.”
“Good.” She breathed out again and then asked more tentatively, “How is he?”
“He’s…sad, I think.” An oversimplification. “But he’s trying not to let me see.”
“Sounds like my brother.”
“Yeah, I—I’m glad I’m here, though. And, well…I’m glad he’s here, too.”
Selfishly, I was grateful to be here. And for him to be here with me.
Sometimes, though, I imagined what might have happened if I’d stayed in California.
If I’d never come home, never burdened Sully with this.
I wondered if it would have been better for him—to be blissfully unaware.
To be spared the roller coaster of emotions.
He could have maintained his status quo instead of riding these highs and lows.
He could have continued his life without me, without the complication of this.
Logically, I understood it had been his child, too, and he’d had a right to all of it, even the pain, but whenever I caught a sight of the anguish in his eyes or the furrow of his brow that seemed so much more intense than it ever had before…I couldn’t help but wish it away.
Had he been happy before?
He said once that nothing about this summer had been easy, but what about before that? Before I’d reentered his life in Boston?
“You know,” Natalie said softly, pulling me out of my thoughts. “I had a miscarriage, a few years after Chloe was born.”
My breath caught in my throat. I sat up straighter, frowning. “You did?”
“Yeah.” She sighed. “I never told anyone but Korey, of course. He…didn’t think I should share about it.
He said it wasn’t something people talk about, that it was private, something we could handle together.
And if Korey were someone like Cameron, maybe that would have been true.
But then again, Cameron would never say anything like that. ”
My whole body ached thinking about it—that there had been yet another way Korey isolated her during their marriage.
“Nat—”
“No, hang on,” she cut in. “Sorry, that wasn’t my point.
We both know that Korey sucks. My point was that I wish I hadn’t listened to him.
My experience in healthcare should have made me realize that it was something so many women go through, something that should be talked about.
And I wish I’d had the courage to ignore Korey and open up more because I think I could have used that support from others.
” A breathless, dry laugh echoed through the phone speaker.
“No, I know I could have. Because I got very little from him.” She sighed.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you need anything, please let me know.
Let Sully know. Let my mom know or my other brothers. We’re here for you, okay?”
Aside from the emotions Chloe had forced on me a minute ago, I hadn’t cried yet today.
But it looked like my dry streak just might be ending.
“Okay,” I choked out as tears welled in my lash line. “I know you are. And I’m here for you, too, Nat.”
The front door opened then, and Sully appeared in the doorway, his broad shoulders taking up most of it.
Broad, bare shoulders, considering he was shirtless.
Oh my God, he was shirtless. His skin was bronzed from the sun and slick with moisture, sweat dotting his muscles while also beading his hairline, making his blond hair stick to his forehead.
And I was so caught off guard by the godlike nature of his appearance that I didn’t even notice at first that he was tracking freshly cut grass over the floors, trailing from his stained shoes.
“Sullivan,” I tsked, and his attention whipped to me, like he hadn’t noticed me sitting there. He frowned when his gaze landed on my face, but as I felt a tear trickle down my cheek, I realized it wasn’t because of my admonishment.
“El,” he huffed, still breathing hard from the yardwork. I watched him rake a hand through his damp hair, his biceps bulging and making my mouth run dry. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes, but you’re making a mess,” I said, flashing a wobbly smile and pointing at his feet.
He looked down and rolled his eyes, kicking his shoes off. Which did, actually, just make even more of a mess.
“Sounds about right,” Natalie muttered, reminding me that she was still on the line. Hopefully, she hadn’t overheard my very loud thoughts while thirsting over her brother.
I cleared my throat. “Do you want to talk to your sister?”
“Natalie’s on the phone?”
Already, he was crossing the room toward me, and I could feel the heat radiating off him, like he’d brought the sun inside with him.
“I’m handing you off to your brother, Nat,” I said. “But I love you. Let’s talk more soon.”
I needed more updates on how life was going after the trial and how things with Cameron were smoothing out. But that could wait until later. There were more important things right now—like giving Sully the chance to talk to Natalie, too.
“Love you!” she called back before I held out the phone for Sully to take.
He was far too close. Too sweaty, too big, too beautiful. And he was all man. All mi—
“Hey, Nat,” he said, and then gave me a funny little look.
Probably because I was staring at him.
Shit.
I found myself holding my breath until he moved away with the phone, afraid of the things I might say or do when he was so close and so perfect.
After waiting until he was in the other room, I pushed off the couch and wandered outside, letting the humid air blast me, needing to feel heat that wasn’t just Sully.
Trailing my fingers along the porch railing, I followed it to the backyard.
Whenever I lingered in the front, I worried I might run into my mom.
I doubted she could look out the window and see us—there were towers of boxes in front of them, which didn’t surprise me.
But I didn’t know what I’d do if I saw her in passing.
Wasn’t sure I was ready to face her yet.
Wasn’t sure I’d know what to say. I should reach out; I’d said that thing last week about coming over for dinner.
But I could tell she hadn’t been enthusiastic about it, so for now, I’d just keep putting it off.
I stared at the large, looming trees for a moment, the way their branches swayed in the summer breeze.
A small swing hung from the thickest one, rocking gently.
The trill of wind chimes tickled my senses, making me shiver.
The thickness of the air made me wonder if it was going to cloud up and rain.
I wouldn’t mind a summer storm.
It might be a good reminder that periods of darkness blow in as quickly as they blow out.
I wouldn’t mind that.