42. Ellie
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
ellie
IWOKE THE NEXT day snuggled into Sully’s side and immediately shut my eyes again.
I’d wanted this for so long, and it was finally here, and part of me was afraid that I’d blink and it would all disappear.
But then I felt the body beside me shift, felt arms tighten around me, felt steady breaths against my skin. And after a few minutes, lips touched my cheek, my hair, my temple, almost as though coaxing me to life. Urging me to trust in the moment and open my eyes.
So I did, blinking once, twice.
When Sully didn’t disappear or fade into my memories, I blinked again.
And when I did it a third or fourth or fifth time—I wasn’t sure anymore—Sully chuckled.
“God, you’re so fucking cute,” he murmured, voice sleep coated.
It was such an attractive thing, his voice, when it sounded like that.
“You’re here,” I said, tipping my head to look up at him. I was tucked in his armpit, held safe between his arm and his large body.
“I’m here.” He tilted his chin, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Get used to it, baby.”
“That sounds nice.” I turned onto my back, resituating myself in his little arm cocoon. “Getting used to it.”
Sully hummed his agreement, and then I closed my eyes, trusting that he’d be there when I opened them again.
“Do I have to get up and work yet?” I asked.
“Not yet,” he assured me, and even though I had no idea what time it was, I trusted him.
I dosed in and out for the next hour, and Sully didn’t move. He was so still, it almost worried me, but I knew it meant his brain was calm.
Or concentrated.
When I woke fully, smiling up at him as the early morning light streamed through the curtains, he gave me a look like something was on the tip of his tongue.
“What?” I asked, reaching to run my fingers through his hair.
His eyes fluttered shut at my touch, luxuriating in it. He didn’t respond until I dropped my hand.
“I’ve been thinking about something, and I’d like to get your input.” His eyes opened and found mine. “If you’re up for talking. I’d be okay with just lying here, too. Or I suppose we could open our laptops and do our jobs.”
I checked the clock to see that we still had a half hour before my alarm would go off. Funnily enough, I had no interest in getting an early start to the work day. And as much as I liked the idea of basking in the peace of the moment, I knew there were things on his mind he needed to get out.
“Let’s talk,” I agreed.
“I’ve just been thinking about yesterday.”
“The good parts or the bad parts?”
“It was all good, in its own way,” he replied. “But the best parts—I was thinking about the best parts. You wrapped around me.”
My entire body heated at the memories. “It was…so good.”
“It was.” I watched his throat bob as he swallowed. Hard—which heightened my nervous system. “Which made me think…I should get a vasectomy.”
I jerked back. I wasn’t sure what I thought he’d say, but it certainly wasn’t that.
“What?” I frantically searched his face, which was calm. Calmer than I’d probably ever seen. “Why?”
Sully hesitated, clearly being intentional about his words.
“I’m finding it hard to fully regret what happened after Noah’s party.
I just—can’t. Because now you’re here, where you belong.
” He trailed a finger along the curve of my shoulder and then back up to toy with the ends of my hair.
“But I should never have had sex with you after you said you weren’t on birth control. ”
“I wanted it, Sawyer.”
“I know,” he acknowledged. “And I—God, I badly wanted you, too, El. I was out of my mind with want. I was desperate to feel you again. To touch you. To be with you. But I’d known your reservations about pregnancy, even if they were so very far back in my head at that moment.
I should have taken more care with you, and I do regret that.
Deeply. There’s so much I didn’t realize, and I’m so fucking sorry for what it put you through. ”
“I don’t—” I shook my head, still slightly confused about the direction of this conversation. “—blame you. I’m just as much at fault for the decisions we made that night.”
Perhaps more at fault. Because sure, there might have been things he didn’t fully understand or realize, but the same couldn’t be said for me.
Sighing, I threw my hand over my head, staring past him to the ceiling full of glow-in-the-dark stars.
“In the months leading to our breakup, I thought about pregnancy all the time. All the time, Sawyer. But especially when we’d have sex.
That’s why I always had you use a condom, even though I had the IUD.
I was so paranoid about it, and I was afraid to tell you just how much I—”
I glanced back at him and his pained expression.
“Keep going,” he encouraged. “I want to know how you felt. And how you feel now.”
“I was terrified,” I said honestly, “and it does still scare me, but not nearly as much. There’s a lot I’ve come to terms with, become more knowledgeable about, accepted—in a sense.
My brain has quieted, I’ve gained some trust back in my body again, and my thoughts aren’t as obsessive.
I’ve had a therapist or two. And I think part of me realized that in Boston, how much I’ve healed as time has dragged on.
Because I didn’t think about pregnancy once that night.
All I knew was that I wanted you. I wanted you and whatever came with having you.
You, being with you, was the only thing in the world that mattered. ”
“I feel the same about you, Eleanor.” He nodded, so very steady when he added, “Which is why I want to get a vasectomy.”
“But I…” I frowned. “I don’t understand. I’m telling you that I—well, I think I might want to try again one day. With you.”
Sully nodded again. He was still playing with my hair, and his eyes dropped to the side of my head, where he was twirling a finger in the strands by my ear. A half-smile played on his lips, but he didn’t say anything. And I wondered if he was speechless because I’d said too much.
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “We, like, just got back together and—” I paused, replaying what I’d just said in my head. “Wait, is that what happened? Are we—”
“Together,” Sully interjected, his voice firm. “We’re together, Eleanor. As together as two people can be. Girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever you want to call it. Truthfully, those words don’t really feel adequate to me, and I’d really like to upgrade them.”
“Upgrade them?” I repeated breathlessly while my cheeks heated beneath his intense stare.
“Upgrade them,” he confirmed, and something flipped in my stomach. “Whenever you’re ready, of course. I’m not trying to rush things. I just want you to know that—” He paused, searching for words.
“That it’s okay for me to say that I might want to have your babies one day like a second after we just got back together?” I finished for him.
“Yeah, that.” He nodded, letting his hand drop back to my hair.
He stroked over it this time, his palm encompassing most of my head.
“This conversation isn’t too soon, if that’s what you’re worried about.
I think it’s five years too late. Actually, what I really think is that you should say what you just said again. ”
“What?” A breathless laugh left my lips. “That I think I might like to have your babies one day?”
“Yeah, El.” His smile was warm—hot, almost. Like there was a part of him that desperately wanted to make that happen.
Like he’d really enjoy making that happen.
“That.” He curved his hand around until it rested on my cheek, and his expression dimmed a little.
“But there are a few key words in there. Like think and might. I feel those words strongly, too.”
“But I thought—”
“Yes, I’d love to have kids. But only with you.”
I swallowed hard.
“Do you hear me? Only you.”
I gave a slow nod.
“The idea that you really thought that I could just—” His eyes rolled up to the ceiling for a moment, hurt in them that tore at me inside.
“Move on, find someone else, have kids with them? Fucking killed me. I have never wanted anyone but you, and I will never want anyone but you.” His gaze fell back to me, piercing. “Got that?”
My mouth had suddenly run dry, the words tacky as they left my mouth. Guilty. “Got it,” I promised.
I’d never make that same mistake twice. He’d had plenty of time to think about it by now. Plenty of time to decide what he wanted, and I needed to trust his choices as much as he trusted mine.
“And nothing is more important to me than your health,” he went on.
“Seeing you go through all of this has—” He rubbed his jaw.
“Baby, I’m terrified now. Of pregnancy. Of you being pregnant.
When I was reading that article, it said…
” He glanced at me, clearly uncertain if he should say it.
If it might scare me. But I’d scared myself a million times over by now.
“You can say it,” I encouraged. “I’m sure it’s something I already know.”
He exhaled, and his voice shook slightly for the first time. “It said that thrombosis is one of the leading causes of mortality in pregnancy and postpartum.”
I nodded because I knew. I’d known. I’d obsessed over it. Thought about it endlessly.
“That’s why I would have preventative treatment,” I said.
“I know, but—” He shook his head. “But fuck, baby. All those shots. And the possibility of you going through another miscarriage like that, just—it feels like so much risk.”
I breathed deeply, feeling anxious tingles in my stomach. I wasn’t sure they’d ever disappear completely, and that was something I’d have to manage, live with, if we decided to try again. But that didn’t need to be figured out today, did it?
“Do we have to decide now?”
“Of course not,” he rushed to say. “I could get a vasectomy now. And in the future…it can be reversed, right?”
“Sawyer…” I pushed myself onto my elbow, looking down at him.
My anxiety tingles persisted.
“What?” He looked genuinely confused, dropping his head onto the pillow to gaze up at me, blond hair flying everywhere. “Is this you telling me you don’t want to have sex with me? Because I’m pretty sure I remember a fair amount of begging last night, and—”
I gave him a playful smack on his chest.
“Obviously, I want you,” I said, laughing lightly before sobering. “But I can just get another IUD. The Paragard is a safe option for me.”
He made a face. “I believe your words in Boston were it was making my periods unbearable.”
“Yeah, but—”
“And the procedure was awful for you. You were in so much pain afterward.”
“I know, but…” I drifted off, shrugging.
I didn’t really have a good defense, but I’d always figured I’d have to get an IUD again one day. There just hadn’t seemed like much point when I hadn’t been in a relationship or sexually active. There was no reason to endure the extra cramping or heavier flow days.
“There are some progesterone-only options that most doctors would probably say are low risk for me.”
Sully shook his head. “I’m not fucking interested in any risk, El.”
“Well, I can research it more. And I think there’s actually a new hormone-free IUD that they’ve recently released, so I could maybe try that—”
“Eleanor, look at me,” he cut in.
I did, my eyes catching on his bright blue ones.
“We don’t have to decide anything today. My intention is not to rush you or make you think that I need sex—”
“I need sex,” I cut in, making Sully’s lips twitch to the side.
His eyes wandered over my face, making it flush all over again.
“I mean, I’ll survive, of course,” I added, realizing I’d come on a little strong with that one.
“I’ve survived for several years, after all.
But that wasn’t all that hard. It’s a little different when you’re here…
” I placed a hand on his bare chest, and his warmth seeped into my fingertips.
The faint echo of his heart pulsed there.
I could almost sense the increase in tempo.
“In the same bed as me…” I dragged my fingers through the light dusting of chest hair.
My voice was breathier when I added, “And it’s been so long. ”
“El.” Sully’s large body shivered before he caught my hand, stopping its exploration. His laugh was soft. “Stay focused for one more second for me.”
I blinked, finding his face, tuning back in to the conversation. Sully’s amused expression stared back at me, but I could also see the want in his eyes that he was trying to suppress.
“Please just think about it,” he said gently. “I don’t think it should be up to you to carry all the weight of this. If I can take some of the pain, the discomfort, the risk…I want to do that.”
I blew a breath out between my lips. I didn’t like the idea of risking anything when it came to Sully. Anxiety returned, and I wondered if this was what he felt like when it came to me and my health. How easily the worry could mirror itself.
“I’ll think about it.”
I didn’t know enough about vasectomies. More than anything, I needed to make sure it was safe.
Of course, I knew it was common, regarded as routine.
But with the way my brain worked, I needed specifics.
I needed to know he’d be okay, and I needed to know we wouldn’t completely eliminate our choices for the future.
At one point, the thought of having choices, of having to make a choice about children, felt so unbelievably daunting. Because what if I made the wrong choice?
Everything felt a little different now.
I wanted the choice. I’d experienced a sliver of a reality, of one of those choices I’d previously been afraid to make, and now, a deep-seated realization had settled in my gut, a profound want for a reality that I’d been so close to having.
So close…before it had disappeared.
I wished I didn’t miss it so much.
Sully was watching me carefully, his gaze filled with so much love and attention. And everything about it made my eyes well as I confessed, “I really wanted them, Sawyer.”
I watched as pain flickered across his face, and today, as much as I hated to cause him pain, there was also something comforting about it.
He was an echo of me in every way. In some ways, he always had been.
But I knew now there had been lapses, missing pieces to our foundation.
Or rather, there were building blocks that had been misplaced early on.
Things put together when we were young and didn’t understand them yet.
But we understood them now.
“I know, baby. I did, too.” He used a gentle hand to pull me down into him, wrapping me tight in his strong arms. His words were muffled against my hair, but I heard them. And they were the most comforting words in the world.
“I did, too.”