43. Lina
Lina
My neck tensed uncomfortably as my shoulders drew rigid and tight; around me were people waiting to see loved ones who were incarcerated. I tried to steady my breathing, but couldn’t. I was certain I was gasping by the time I saw guards leading my parents and Mai out into the waiting room.
After Mai’s call with him last week, we were fortunately able to book two visitations back-to-back. Neng requested I visit him alone. He said he wanted to finally sit down and talk one-on-one. Since each visitation allowed only up to three visitors anyway, our parents and Mai went first.
My older sister refused to talk to me, let alone acknowledge my presence, as she breezed past with red eyes and a pink nose.
My mom looked at me with tear-stained eyes, while my dad continued to cling to his cool and calm demeanor.
Yet, I knew he was devastated underneath that facade—much like how I was trying to hold everything together by mimicking him.
“How is he?” I asked my parents. My voice croaked, giving away all the strain my body felt.
“He’s okay for the most part,” my dad said quietly.
I nodded stiffly, looking at the clock. It was my turn to check on him now. “Say only nice things to your older brother,” my mom said.
I wasn’t sure what my mom meant by that, but I wasn’t going to chew him out. I wasn’t one to do so. The only one who could truly do that, and that he’d probably listen to, was Mai. He wouldn’t heed our parents or me. If it was her though, he’d take the time to consider her words.
My vision grew misty the moment my brother came in.
He was wearing a blue jumpsuit and handcuffs.
Neng had only been here for two weeks, but he looked haggard, with a stubble and sunken, red-lined eyes.
He was hospitalized hours after his arrest due to alcohol withdrawals.
Yet, this was the most alert and present I had seen him since his wife handed him divorce papers two years ago.
He took his seat across from me. We didn’t say anything to one another as we sobbed.
Our cries and tears were our only greetings.
“I’m sorry,” I managed to say, my voice changing into one I couldn’t even recognize. Hoarse. Steeped with guilt. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I deserve this after everything I’d done,” he rasped back. “For everything I’d put my kids through, for taking advantage of you and your generosity, and for assaulting your boyfriend and damaging the pharmacy. I should be the one apologizing.”
Our breaths shook together as I sobbed.
“I’m sorry, Lina. I haven’t been a good older brother to you for the last few years.
I knew you wanted to help me. But I didn’t want to get better, even for my kids.
” He shook his head as tears streamed down his face.
“I cared more about myself, about numbing the pain of losing the woman I loved. I didn’t even care about them or their safety.
Now I’ve gone and fucked it all up. Knowing my ex-wife and how vindictive she is, I won’t be able to see my kids for a long time even with strict supervision. ”
He began weeping, and I allowed him to sit in his emotions.
I’d never seen him cry once, even when I knew he was upset about his divorce, and later when he lost shared custody of his children.
Perhaps this was the first time he had given himself the permission to feel the grief of losing what made his world brighter.
His entire body shook with emotions as he cried out.
“I’m sorry, Lina,” he said again. “For everything. I’m sorry for being as selfish as I was.”
My lips trembled. “I could bail you out, but we’re going to have to set up some ground rules—”
Neng frowned and cut me off at once. “For what? Save your money, Lina. The sentence I got is easy, alright? Six months here is nothing. It’s shit, but it’s the rude awakening I needed.”
“But Neng—” I started.
“I did some horrible shit to you, too, remember? Don’t you remember how I stalked and harassed the hell out of you to the point you threatened to call the police on me? How many times did you have to do that?”
I couldn’t say anything as the emotions surging in my chest made it harder to breathe again. It forced me to take in slower breaths. My vision grew hazy and my eyes burned.
Neng was charged with misdemeanor violations of public intoxication, battery, and vandalism of private property.
Due to all of his prior DUI offenses, he was sentenced to six months of mandatory jail time, enrollment in a mandatory anger management program, and probation of up to one year with mandatory counseling and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
His driver’s license was also suspended for an additional year.
My brother’s eyes brimmed with tears. “It’s so easy for me to forget how much of an adult you are now. My baby sister’s all grown up, and she’s a pharmacist too.” He smiled wide and proud. “I don’t tell you this enough, but I’m so fucking proud of you, Lina.”
I sobbed. “Your kids are going to make you even more proud, Neng.”
“Yeah,” he cried. He nodded, a fresh set of tears rolling down his cheeks. “Because you’re their aunt, and you’ve shown them it’s possible to do great things and become anything they want to be—even with a stupid, horrible father like me.”
We wept together. This was the closest and most honest I’d ever been with my older brother since becoming an adult.
“Thank you for everything, Lina,” he said a moment after a guard announced we didn’t have much time left.
I nodded. He gave me a reassuring smile, reaffirming everything would be fine. I couldn’t bring myself to smile back. Instead, I cried. In what felt like seconds, my visitation was over.
Jonathan, Mary, and Eric were waiting outside the jail for moral support.
What surprised me the most was how my mom was speaking to my boyfriend.
She was polite and well-mannered, with such a measured speech that I had to stop and observe from afar.
I wasn’t used to her being this timid. She even looked embarrassed to see him again as she quickly turned to Mary and Eric, asking them why they weren’t having children yet.
She had yet to apologize to me about what she did and caused at the pharmacy. She never would. I’d lived with her long enough to know this would always be how my mother was. Jonathan was kind enough to let it go.
He also urged me to do the same, and if I needed to for my peace, I could always love her and my family from afar. Seeing her behave this way around Jonathan, though, I was glad she was self-aware enough to be uncomfortable and unlike her usual self around him.
My dad, on the other hand, was never much of a talker.
For much of my life, he had always been a passive parent.
He was present, yes. However, he also never did much aside from enabling my mother and allowing her to do as she liked.
Yet, I knew he was trying his hardest to engage in a conversation with Jonathan as well.
Mai stood the furthest from everyone, disengaged and disinterested.
“You and Lina went to high school together?” my dad said, shocked.
“Yes,” Jonathan answered.
“Have you two been dating this whole time?” asked my dad.
“No, sir,” answered my boyfriend. “Lina and I have only been together for a month.”
My dad nodded slowly. Mary and Eric attempted not to smile at the obvious way he was sizing up my boyfriend. Jonathan looked crisp and clean-cut with a fresh haircut, button-up, slacks, and leather Oxford shoes.
I told him not to worry about dressing to impress. However, he insisted, saying he didn’t leave a great first impression on my mom with his rude interaction with her at the pharmacy. I suppose it was for the best that he looked good, now that my dad was assessing him.
“Dad. Mom,” I said, approaching them.
My parents turned to me. My mom’s eyes welled with tears while my dad nodded at me. We didn’t say anything to each other as I nodded back with similarly teary eyes. Without a doubt, Neng said some similar things to the rest of our family.
“Let’s all go eat,” suggested my dad. He looked at Jonathan, Mary, and Eric. “All you kids come and eat with us, too.”
“I’m not going to,” Mai interjected. “If you guys are going to go anywhere besides home, then that’s on you. I’ll be going home.”
“Mai, don’t say those sorts of things,” said my mom. “We’re all here. We might as well go and have a meal together.”
“No, you guys can go without me,” Mai nearly hissed like some angry animal. She turned her pointed gaze to me and arched a darkly filled brow at me. I looked into those same round eyes I shared with her. “You can take Mom and Dad home. I’m heading home.”
“That’s fine,” I said.
Her lips tugged into a snarl before she turned, storming away with heavy footsteps. I watched her walk toward the parking structure with steam practically trailing behind her. My heart ached at what our relationship had become and at what it may never be.
We were never close because of our age gap.
Since she married young, we never had the chance to truly bond.
We had little in common, except sharing the same parents and a brother.
We never enjoyed the same things, and I couldn’t remember the last time we talked about anything other than family-related topics—which was fine.
However, I’d always wished I was close to my older sister.
She was the one who gave me my name, after all.
I hoped one day Mai would understand my actions, why I didn’t want to give Neng the money he wanted. He had a problem our family didn’t want to admit he had. I was the only one insisting he go to rehab—a cost I was willing to shoulder—and pushing him to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
No one else did or even wanted that. Until now.
I turned to my parents. “Jonathan and I will take you home later, Dad, Mom,” I said. “Where would you two like to eat?”
My mom waved her hand shyly. “Wherever all you kids choose.”
“You know us, Lina. We’re not picky eaters,” said my dad, also waving his hand dismissively.
That wasn’t true. My immigrant Hmong parents were, in fact, very picky eaters.
The only restaurants they’d dine in without a single complaint were either Southeast Asian or Chinese cuisine.
No pasta. No steak. Definitely no bread.
It had to be food and dishes they were familiar with, especially dishes with rice.
I had a mental list of restaurants I knew they enjoyed and was ready to suggest one when Jonathan spoke up.
“How about Imperial Garden?” he asked me, listing only the fanciest and best dim sum restaurant in town. He looked over to Mary and Eric as well. Both were giving him the thumbs up.
My dad loved the soy sauce and oyster sauce braised chicken feet from that restaurant, and my mom loved their fluffy barbecue pork buns. They would love it since we only went there on rare occasions. It’d be a treat for them to go there today after such an emotional afternoon.
I smiled softly and nodded. “Jonathan suggested we go eat Chinese,” I said to my parents.
They looked visibly satisfied as we all walked toward the parking structure across the street. I didn’t realize how nervous Jonathan was until I saw how red his ears were.
He glanced at me as we waited for the elevator. I gave him a tiny, reassuring smile as he stood a respectful distance away from me. He grinned back, understanding everything would turn out fine.