3. AVERY
AVERY
The swimming instructor is really pushing Iris today. We’ve missed the last three lessons and two of the peewee swimmers’ practices, and it’s obvious Heather isn’t happy about it, even if she was understanding when I called.
Iris is still struggling with Dad’s passing—we’re both still struggling, but she’s started having stomach cramps.
Something Carl keeps being callous about, but I’m worried enough that I’ve taken her to the doctor a few times.
Her pediatrician thinks it’s a coping mechanism.
She’s expressing what she’s feeling by putting it into physical context.
They’re practicing relay today, and every time I watch Iris dive in, I shudder with the apprehension that she’ll belly flop.
Although I haven’t brought her to the pool, I’ve watched her practice in our own.
Her swimming is awesome for a child her age, but the diving confidence still needs a little more work.
Something I’m certain she’ll get used to over time.
“Hey, stranger!”
I look up from where I’m sitting in the bleachers to find Kayla standing behind me in one of her power dresses with a double coffee holder in one hand and her designer purse clutched in the other.
We’ve been friends since high school; she’s spunky and vivacious with a sharp mind that is perfectly suited to her fundraising consultant job.
“How’re you doing?” she asks, sitting beside me and handing me our favorite frappe that’s basically black coffee slush with some half-and-half drizzled over the top.
“I haven’t seen you since the funeral. I still feel terrible for not being able to be at the wake. The service was beautiful, though.”
My chest constricts at her apology because I’m hurt that she didn’t stay.
I needed my friend. I needed someone there that I could lean on without worrying about Carl.
Still, there’s no point in saying anything about it or creating a big thing out of it.
She’s here now, and I have bigger issues on my mind.
“I’m okay.”
“And my baby?” she asks, searching out Iris’s hot pink swimming cap and waving at her when they spot each other.
“Better. I think the whole angels watching over us talk helped her. I’m trying to get her back to her routine…”
Kayla’s phone rings from her purse, and when she digs it out, I catch the caller ID.
“Carl…” She rolls her eyes as she answers the phone, fussing with her tamed curls. “I’m working on the report, I’ll call you later. Avery says hi.”
Avery does not say hi. Not after last night.
“Why do you look so pissed?”
“I didn’t say hi,” I snap at her even though it’s not her I’m mad at. Hell, I don’t know who to be mad at anymore. All I know is that I’m living in a parallel universe right now.
In one month everything has changed. Dad died, and Carl…I thought something was going on with work, but after the conversation I overheard last night…
“He’s having an affair.”
Kayla scoffs at my statement as though it’s wildly ridiculous, but something’s been off for a long time. “Why do you think that?”
“I’m Avery. I’ve always just been Avery to him.”
“Okay…” Dark eyes narrow on me as though I’m crazy.
“He’s barely been home the last two weeks, and last night when he came in, we had a fight about me needing to take a step back from work and Dad’s will…”
“It’s not like you need to work, and the aquarium job isn’t exactly…you know…it’s not like the pay is amazing.”
I don’t understand why she’s not backing me up. Kayla’s my friend. She may work with Carl, but we’ve known each other for almost fifteen years. She was my maid of honor. She’s Iris’s godmother…
“It’s not about the money, it’s what I love. I love my job.” At one point, Carl didn’t mind it either. But now having a marine biologist wife doesn’t seem as cute anymore. Maybe because he’s realized that I can’t make people fall at his feet the way he wants. The way Kayla does.
“I don’t see how this means he’s stepping out on you. You know I love you,” she tells me softly, like she’s talking to a child throwing a tantrum. “You’re going through a lot right now…”
“My dad died, Kayla. He literally dropped dead, and I didn’t get to say goodbye.
The last time I saw him, he was fine and happy, and two days later he was gone.
Like that.” I click my fingers in her face to make sure she’s looking at me.
That she’s seeing me and not whatever paranoid person she thinks I’m being.
“I’m not going through a lot, I’m going through hell.
I’m trying to understand what I didn’t see.
What I missed. I needed someone to be there for me, and he’s too busy calling someone else babe. Babe.”
She cringes, her face flushing red as she swallows down whatever she was about to tell me.
It’s all bullshit. I shouldn’t even have said anything to her without talking to Carl first, but every time we talk, it becomes a fight that turns nasty and volatile.
He hauls me around like a rag doll until I concede.
But my job? It may not pay what his does, but it’s my only freedom. It’s the only part of my life that’s entirely mine, that I have control over. I can’t give that up.
“Maybe you heard it wrong.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Have you asked him about it?”
“No, and I don’t know what to do.” Every time I think I can talk to him, he lashes out at me. How can I talk to him when I’m scared he’ll hurt me? “I feel so lost right now.”
“What do you mean?”
The coach blows the whistle on the session, saving me from having to think about what I actually mean.
“I need to go get Iris dressed. Thanks for coming to watch her. It’s the highlight of her week.”
“Sure.” She smiles, looking torn as she heads up the steps to the viewer exit.
I don’t know if I’ve done something wrong, but she doesn’t say goodbye. Where she would usually hug me, she walks away without another word, leaving me to think over our entire conversation, word for word, as I help Iris get showered and dressed.
With the hour’s relay practice, she’s exhausted enough that she eats her snack and falls asleep on the short drive that takes me past my parents’ desolate home. I don’t even stop—the sight of it is all it takes for the grief to overwhelm me.
As if my father’s attorney could sense where I was, my phone rings with his name flashing up at me from the dash.
“Decline.” I blow out a breath as I hit the red button on my steering wheel.
I know he wants me to finalize things with Dad’s will.
He needs to go through all the estate and hand it all over to me, but I’m not ready.
The thought of accepting everything and signing the final papers is suffocating.
As agonizing as the second I found out he was gone and as the day I buried him.
I don’t want this life anymore. My silent tears choke me as I turn into my drive and sit there, staring at the New England–style home my parents gifted me and Carl on our wedding day. All I can think is that I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to go back in there and pretend everything is okay.
Folding myself over the steering wheel, I try to gather myself before I wake Iris up.
What kind of mother would I be if I took this away from her? She’s lost enough already; I can’t take any more away from her. She needs stability and normalcy. And this is it. This is all she’s ever known.
Taking a deep breath and pushing away the sinking feeling inside me, I gather Iris in my arms and head inside. With the door at the side of the house, it takes me by surprise when I find Rafe standing there. I practically jump right out of my skin.
“Rafe…what? What are you doing here?”
I had no idea he knew my address. We’re friends, but he’s never been here. Nora’s never been here. We always had dinners at my parents’ house or at her house.
“I need to talk to you.” He comes closer, and I realize that his expression is twisted with worry.
“I can’t.”
I fumble with the lock while I try to make sure that Iris doesn’t wake and see him. She’ll probably mention it to Carl, and it’ll be another fight that I have to endure.
“Please, Avery.”
“Look, Rafe, we’re friends, and I know you have no other intentions, but Carl isn’t comfortable with us talking, and right now…I-I can’t have another fight with him because of you. I’m sorry, okay?”
“Your dad always looked out for me—he made sure my shit was always legit. He had my back, and I owe it to him to make sure that you don’t get caught up in this.
” He holds up a manilla file I didn’t even realize he had in his hand.
“It won’t take long, and once I know that you are aware of what’s coming, I’ll leave you to do what you want… ”
“What are you talking about?” I stand to the side, knowing that I can’t let him leave without hearing him out. Not when he’s looking at me with the same devastation he had in his eyes when he found out about Dad.
As dubious as it might look, I let him in and lock the door behind us even though Berkeley is possibly the safest neighborhood in DC. We’re in the middle of wealthy suburbia, and although houses come with break-in-proof locks and chains, no one uses them.
“The kitchen’s through there.” I nod toward the right side of the house as I head up the stairs to put Iris in bed. It’s a relief she’s so tired from the restless nights she’s had and the swim practice.
When I come down, Rafe is pacing around the kitchen island, as though he’s debating a problem in his head.
“We don’t have long,” I tell him even though I’m not exactly certain that Carl will show up tonight. The night after my father’s funeral, he stayed at the office and the night after that.
“Has he hurt you?” he asks as I pull two bottles of water from the fridge and place them beside the file on the breakfast bar. “At the wake…”
“If that’s what you want to talk about, I’m fine. We’re fine. So—”
“Carl’s under investigation.” The baffled look I level him with must prompt him to explain further. “He’s under federal investigation for bribery and gratuity.”
My heart drops to my feet so fast that I have to hold on to the counter to steady myself.
“No. N-no,” I stammer, barely able to breathe through the panic spinning inside me. “No, he wouldn’t…”
Except maybe he would. I don’t know.
“How do you know this?”
“I can’t tell you that. I shouldn’t be telling you this either, but I owe it to Rob.” Opening up the file, he turns it to face me. “They don’t have names yet. That being said, it won’t be long until they do.”
I read through the editorial draft of the article for the Washington Post that’s in the file. Unable to breathe or talk, I stare up at him when I’m done.
Rafe knows exactly what I’m thinking when he blows out a weary breath. “Seventeen years, Avery. Accepting funds in exchange for future favors is a federal crime, but the rest…blackmail and extortion, that’s criminal. That’s a completely different sentence.”
I don’t understand what’s happening right now. I do and I don’t. I feel sick with the possibility that it will blow our entire life up.
“The bureau is out for blood. They’re going to turn everything upside down.”
“I don’t understand what he’s done, Rafe. I don’t get it. He only vets the funds. He doesn’t—”
“He had to know. The people they’re investigating…he had to know what was happening and had to cover it up.”
“But he might not.”
“Avery…”
I take a deep breath, trying to ground myself as I close the file and put it in one of the kitchen drawers.
What would Dad do? I ask myself, avoiding Rafe’s gaze.
He would close ranks and protect his home. That’s exactly what I have to do.
“You need to leave,” I tell him, starting for the door.
Rafe follows behind me, stopping in the open doorway when I hold the door for him.
“I know it’s a lot to process, but I’m here and I’ll do everything I can to help you and Iris.” He pulls out an old-looking cell from the pocket of his slacks and holds it out to me. “You can call me anytime.” When I don’t take it, he puts it in my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before he leaves.
I can’t think. I can’t talk. I can’t even cry even though my eyes are stinging and my throat is swollen. I’m beyond choked as I fall to my ass on the stairs, staring at the door and the phone in my hand.
I thought I was on a parallel universe before, but now, I’m being sucked through a black hole. Every part of me is being pulled apart and twisted, and I have no idea when or how I’m going to be spat out.