32. Avery
32
AVERY
I can’t believe this. I just poured my heart out to these men and Phillip just gets up and leaves?
What the hell is wrong with him?
Oh, gee, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that you were too mentally deficient to remember your pills and you waited two weeks to tell him that there’s a chance you’re pregnant?
This is all my fault.
“I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting to see if it was just stress making me late. He hates me now, doesn’t he?”
Jamie gives me a sad look. “This has nothing to do with you, Princess. Kids and pregnancies have always been something of a trigger for him.”
“Is that because of his ex-wife?”
“He told you about Mary Elizabeth?” Wesley asks incredulously.
“All he said was that she hurt him and that he was still dealing with the mental fallout of what she did. He hasn’t really said anything to me about it beyond that.”
“I think it’s time for him to tell you. Why don’t you go find him? We’ll be here waiting when you’re done,” Jamie encourages.
“You don’t think that will make things worse with him?”
“It might, but it’s something he should have told you a while ago.”
“Okay.” I start to get up but hesitate at the last second. “You’ll be here if I need you?”
“Of course.”
Phillip is exactly where I expect to find him—outside on the deck, looking up at the stars. He’s so lost in his head, he doesn’t even react when I settle into the chair next to him.
He startles when I put my hand on his arm.
“There’s something we need to talk about, isn’t there?” I ask softly.
“Yes.”
I know what Jamie said, but I can’t help but ask the question. “Are you angry with me?”
“No, not even a little bit.”
“So why did you walk away?”
“Because all of my chickens have come home to roost and even though I knew this would happen one way or another, I’m still angry about it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
When he looks at me, his eyes are empty. “If you actually are pregnant, I won’t be the father.”
He might as well have plunged a knife into my heart.
“If you didn’t want to be involved, all you had to do was say so. There’s no need to be cruel.”
I start to stand up, but he grabs my wrist. “You’re not understanding me. It’s biologically impossible for me to have children.”
I wasn’t expecting that.
I wasn’t expecting that at all.
I have no idea what to say to that, so I just settle back into my chair and nod at him to continue.
“I should have told you sooner. You’ve given me so many opportunities to tell you, but I was too ashamed. You’re young and beautiful and you’ll probably want more kids down the line, so why would you stay with someone who can never give you that? I’m as useless to you as I was to Mary Elizabeth. I should have told you right at the beginning so you knew what you were tying yourself to, but I was selfish and wanted to get to be with you for a little longer. You must feel so betrayed.”
“I won’t lie to you,” I say. “I’m hurt that you felt like you couldn’t come to me with this sooner, but that’s a big thing to tell someone. I understand why you struggled to share it.”
“You are nothing like Mary Elizabeth, but I still put you in the same box, anyway. I was so convinced that you’d react the same way she did that I didn’t give you the chance to decide for yourself how you feel. I didn’t let you be you, and I can’t tell you how much I regret letting it get to this point. I’m so sorry, Avery. “
“What happened between the two of you?”
“We’d been trying to have children for three years on our own. When nothing happened, we went to a fertility clinic to get some tests done. She had been so convinced it was her fault. Turns out it was mine. I was completely sterile. When we found that out, Mary Elizabeth went off on me right there in the doctor’s office.
“She told me I had tricked her into marriage with false promises, that I was defective and a failure of a man. She even told me I was less useful than the furniture cluttering up our attic. It wasn’t until the doctor threatened to have her removed from the premises that she stopped screaming at me. She didn’t say a word to me for the rest of the day.”
“Phillip, I’m so sorry.”
“The very next day, Mary Elizabeth told me she wanted a divorce and that I had a day to get out of the house. I tried to reason with her, but she just wasn’t having it.”
“She never should have treated you that way. That’s terrible.”
“It was.” He nods. “I always thought I’d have my own kids someday, so learning that I couldn’t was a major blow on its own, but what she said to me wounded me in a way that I still haven’t healed from.”
When I came out here, I was upset and hurt. Now all I want to do (besides finding this woman and torching her car) is wrap my arms around him and hold him close.
I take his hand in mine. “We said that we were a team, that we were all in this together. I don’t care whether you can have children or not. Being able to biologically contribute to a child doesn’t automatically make you a good father. Kyle is a prime example of that. Getting pregnant was what finally got me to leave him because I knew I didn’t want my child anywhere near that monster.
“Walking away from the relationship because it’s too complicated and you don’t want to be involved is a valid response, but backing out because you think you’re not good enough makes you a coward. I want you involved if you want to be involved. Period.”
“Avery, I don’t know what to say.”
“Just say you’ll come back inside with me so we can all talk this out together.”
“I think I can manage that.”
Jamie and Wesley don’t say a word when we walk back into the living room hand in hand. They just let us get settled back on the couch like nothing had happened.
“I think it goes without saying that we need a plan,” I say once I get settled.
They nod their agreement.
“I know we don’t know for sure yet, but if I am pregnant, I plan to see it through. I had always planned to have another child someday. I hadn’t wanted to do it this soon, but sometimes, life has other plans. I don’t expect you to stay with me. This was my fault for forgetting to take my birth control, so I’ll understand completely if you don’t want to be involved with me anymore. I’ve done a good job by myself with Leo, so I’m sure I’ll?—”
“I’m sorry. I think I might be losing my hearing because I know that you didn’t just say that this was your fault,” Wesley interrupts.
“It’s my ex-husband causing the trouble. I’m the one who forgot to take my pills, so it’s my fault and my responsibility.”
“I didn’t know you could reproduce asexually. Jamie, did you know about this?”
“Now, I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure human beings can’t do that.” He nods.
“Didn’t you just tell me out on the deck that we were a team?” Phillip asks. “We are dealing with Kyle together. We are in a relationship together, ergo, we’re all responsible for contraception. Yes, you’re the one taking the pills, but we absolutely could have checked in with you to make sure you weren’t so stressed that you forgot to take them.
“Stress affects short-term memory—we all know that. That’s why we were making sure that you remembered to eat and took time to relax, so there’s no excuse for us not checking in with you on that too.”
“He’s right.” Jamie nods. “At least one of us has been here every night. We’ve all heard the alarm on your phone to take them and we didn’t check in with you. Please stop saying it’s all your fault.”
They could have blamed everything on me or gotten angry or ended things with me right then, even before we knew for sure, but here they are, being supportive and caring and taking responsibility for their part in all this.
I am overcome with gratitude and something that feels a lot like love.
These men care about who I am as a person, not what I can give them. They treat me well. They empower me instead of squashing me down.
They’re far more than I deserve.
Girl, your standards are on the floor if you think this is gold star treatment. This is the bare minimum.
The voice in my head that sounds a lot like Mia is right.
They absolutely are good men—no doubt about it—but that should be the rule, not the exception. I should expect to be treated with love, care, and support.
It makes me realize how poorly Kyle must have treated me if I think they’re gods among men for this type of treatment.
Damn… maybe I should go back to therapy.
One problem at a time, Avery. Let’s get this maybe baby situation handled before diving into all that.
I take a slow breath to clear my mind of all the clutter.
“Fine, we’re all responsible, but in all seriousness, things are early on in our relationship and I’d understand if any of you or all of you want to back out. I won’t be angry and I won’t put up a fight. If you want an out, you have it.”
I stop for a moment in case any of them wants to speak up, but no one does.
“If we stay together, I don’t care who the biological father is and I won’t want to know. As far as I’m concerned, if there is a baby, they have three fathers—end of story.
“So if anyone wants to back out, you should say so now. I won’t be mad, I promise.”
“Are you done?” asks Wesley.
“Excuse me?”
“Are you done asking if we’re going to leave you yet? If you’re not, I’m going to go get some leftovers and come back when you’re done.”
I’d love to tell you I had an elegant and composed response for that, but all I can do is stare at him with my mouth hanging open like a guppy.
“If you think for one second I’m going to let the woman I love just waltz out of my life and take Leo and my baby with her, you are sorely mistaken.”
“You love me?”
He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “Sorry, it just slipped out. I’ve felt like this for a while, but it was too soon to tell you and I was going to do it in a far more romantic way than blurting it out to you on Jamie’s couch, but given the circumstances, I might as well own it. I do love you. I don’t care if it’s all four of us or just me and you forever. I can’t picture my life without you in it. I don’t know what anyone else’s choice will be, but I’m not going anywhere.”
“Wesley, if you think for a second that I’ll let you waltz off into the sunset with our woman and not invite me, I swear I will take over your business and make you my employee in the most hostile fashion possible,” Jamie threatens.
I can’t help but laugh at the face Wesley makes at that.
“Avery, I know it might sound cheap because Wesley said it first, but I love you too. I’m not saying that because I feel like I have to since you might be pregnant or for any other reason your anxious brain might come up with. When Julia died, I never thought I’d love anyone again. I figured I’d die alone, but then I met you. You made me want a family again. You made me feel like it was safe to hope for something permanent. I don’t know how much time we’ll have, but I want to spend every moment of it with you and Leo and hopefully, our baby.”
“Damn, that was good. Can you just pretend I said something like that too?” Wesley winks at me.
It’s ridiculous and stupid, but we all laugh, anyway. Somehow, he always knows exactly how to lighten the mood.
“Don’t worry, Wesley, I’ll let you have another try later,” I tease.
Then I turn to Phillip, who hasn’t let go of my hand since I offered it to him out on the deck.
“You don’t have to tell me you love me, but I do want to know if you’ll stay. I want you to, but I’d understand if it’s too painful for you after everything you told me earlier.”
“But what if I do love you?” he asks quietly. “Do you remember when we all went to the museum?”
I grimace.
“Not that part of it. Before that.” He smiles apologetically. “That morning, I’d been walking around moping about how I’d never be able to have a family of my own and how I’d never be good enough for you. I was miserable, but then we got to the puppet section and put on that silly little show. At that moment, I realized just how foolish I was being. I did have a family—you and Leo and Jamie and Wesley. Once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I realized that one day, I might get to have that awesome little guy as my stepson. I know I still have a good bit of work to do on myself, but I’m yours if you’ll have me.”
A lump forms in my throat as my eyes travel between my three men.
Loving them had snuck up on me like a kid trying to scare their parents—very loudly and with tons of indications of what was happening. Except in this case, my obliviousness to it wasn’t feigned.
I should have figured it out a while ago, but it had taken them saying it first to make me realize my own feelings.
“I love you too—all three of you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, and if it turns out that there's a life after this one, I promise I’ll find you there too.”
“I like the sound of that.” Wesley smiles. “I guess the only thing left to do now is go buy a test and see if we’re having a baby.”