32. Alana
Alana had just been askingthe anesthesiologist about kissing people through phones, when suddenly she was gone, and there were other nurses in the room.
“What happened?” she asked, groggy.
“You’ve finished surgery,” one of the nurses said. “Everything went well.”
“It’s done?” Alana asked. “For real for real?”
“For real for real,” the nurse responded.
“Can I see it?”
“See what?”
“All of my insides that they took out.”
“No, I don’t think you can.”
“How do I know it’s not there anymore?”
“We’re going to do some more scans soon to make sure everything looks good.”
Alana thought about it. “Where’s my husband?”
“The doctor went to go get him. He’ll be here soon.”
“Can you please tell him to hurry? I would like to see him now. Because he was worried about me, and I don’t like him to be worried. Even if the doctor told him that I’m okay.” She frowned at the nurse. “I think you should let me see the insides. So I can make sure they’re dead.”
The door to the room opened, and Hudson walked in, looking like the Fourth of July. Alana wasn’t sure, but that was what she thought. And she heard Jennifer Coolidge saying it in her head.
“The nurse won’t let me see my insides,” she tattled, as Hudson came to sit next to her in a chair. “Also you’re too far away.”
“I’m not going to sit on the bed,” Hudson said. “You’ve just had surgery.”
“And also the nice doctor lady gave me so many drugs so I don’t feel anything.” Alana reached for his face, and petted it. “You’re my favorite husband,” she said. “If I had to get married to anyone in the whole wide world, I would get married to you. Even after we get divorced. I would marry you twice.”
Hudson didn’t say anything, just brushed the hair gently out of her face.
“Am I your favorite wife?” Alana pressed.
“Yes,” he responded.
“Even out of everyone in the whole wide world?”
“Even out of everyone in the whole wide world,” he agreed.
“And even more favorite than any husband?”
Hudson laughed. “Yes, Alana. Even more favorite than any husband.”
“Good. Because I cannot fight anyone for you right now. I am all wobbly. Like Winnie the Pooh when he’s a little black raincloud. But when I am better, I’ll fight all the wives and husbandses.”
“Thanks, baby.”
Alana smiled. “Also did you see your mom?”
“She just finished delivering a baby.” Hudson grinned. “Congratulations, Auntie Alana.”
“Matilda had her baby???”
“A very healthy little girl.”
Alana burst into tears. “I’m so happy,” she sobbed. She turned to the nurse. “I get to be an auntie now. And I never ever ever have to have my own babies. This is the best day of my whole life.”
The nurse smiled. “Being an auntie is great.”
“I’m going to spoil her rotten,” Alana said. “She’s gonna be the best baby in the whole world. She already is.” She looked over at Hudson. “Is your mom gonna come visit me?”
“She said she’d come over as soon as they let her.”
“She should come now.”
“You’re in the recovery room.”
Well, that was stupid. She was fine. She could go home right now. Except she was hooked up to a bunch of machines, which did not have a nice beeping pattern. Someone should tell whoever was in charge of making the machines that. They should sing songs. It would be a better customer service experience.
“We can go home tomorrow,” Hudson said.
So weird, how he could read her mind.
Uh-oh. If he could read her mind now, did that mean he always had the ability to read her mind? Because not everything she was thinking was appropriate for him to know. A lot of it was perving on him, though. She beamed up at him. She had such a good husband. And if it was up to her, they would never, ever, ever get divorced. Maybe they should become Catholic. Catholic people didn’t divorce, right? That was why one of the Henry kings in England made up a new Jesus religion.
Hudson muffled a laugh, though Alana didn’t know why.
Right. His mom.
“Can she come now, though? I want to see her.” She turned to the nurse, who’s name she could not seem to remember.
“Holly,” the nurse replied.
This everyone reading her mind thing was convenient, but also weird.
“Is this normal?” Hudson asked.
“Yup,” Holly replied.
“Why are you talking about me like I’m not right here?” Alana asked.
“Well, I wanted to ask the question,” Hudson said. “I’m not talking about you like you’re not here. I’m just asking a question.”
Alana hmphed. “That’s not a good excuse, but I will accept it today. Only because you just came back from your art trip.” She looked at him. “You know, you didn’t have to do that, right? You made sure I had my goodbye uterus party when you were gone. That was a good party cake.”
“I’m glad you had fun.”
“I did. I would have had more fun if you were there. But you were making arts and I wanted you to do that more. You could have stayed. You didn’t have to come home to me today.”
“I know,” Hudson said. “But I also told you that I would.”
“Yeah, but also you told me you had a lot of things I want to say, and you haven’t done all of them yet.”
“What do you mean?” Hudson asked. Like he didn’t know.
“Well, first of all, you haven’t divorced me,” Alana said, “but that’s fine because I didn’t want you to. And second of all,” she looked around and tried to lower her voice again. “There were certain sex things that you said you were going to do.”
“I said, I’d do them after you recover,” Hudson said.
“But now I am recovered. So what’s the hold up?” She looked around the room. “Where is your mom?”
“She’s on her way.”
“But the baby is already here. What do they have to do, take the SAT or something?”
“Or something,” Hudson replied.
Alana wasn’t sure if he was teasing her or not but she wasn’t going to ask.
“I’m gonna contemplate things until your mom gets here,” she said. “I have to gather my thoughts.”
“Sure,” Hudson said doubtfully.
“You don’t think I can contemplate things?” Alana asked.
“I’m sure you’re going to do a great job.”
She couldn’t tell if he wasn’t being sarcastic or not, but also, she was still floaty. Like a few of her brain puzzle pieces hadn”t slipped back into place yet.
There was a knock on the door and his mom walked in. “It’s my mother-in-law!” Alana exclaimed, reaching for her.
“Hi, honey,” she greeted Alana. “How are you feeling?”
“I am feeling so excellent,” Alana said. “I have so many drugs inside my system. And now I don’t have a uterus anymore, which means these are only the happy drugs and these are not the drugs I have to take when my uterus is beating me up because it can’t beat me up because I won. Because the surgeon took it out.” She paused. “Maybe that was like cheating or something? But guess what? I don’t care. I won this time.”
“You did win.”
“I know.” Alana lowered her voice and waited until Mrs. Miller was sitting on the chair on the other side of her. “Can I tell you a very important secret?”
Mrs. Miller looked at her, perplexed. “Are you sure you want to do this right now?”
“Very important,” Alana said. “But it’s a secret. And you can’t tell anybody at all.”
“Okay.”
“And you have to promise you’re not going to tell anybody and especially you’re not going to tell Hudson.”
Mrs. Miller looked at her kinda funny, but Alana wasn”t sure why. Maybe it was the whole secret keeping thing. Hudson didn’t like secrets. Which was probably a reason their marriage wouldn’t work. She kept too many secrets from him.
“Alana,” Mrs. Miller began.
“You can’t tell Hudson,” Alana insisted. “You can’t tell anybody, but especially not him. You have to promise me on all of the important promising things.”
“I promise on all the important promising things,” Mrs. Miller repeated.
“Okay.” Alana sighed. “This is so many things, but I’m gonna tell you, and then you’re not allowed to anybody. Nobody, Nobody. Nobody. Because if you tell somebody, then everybody’s feelings are gonna get sad.”
“Well, so here’s the thing,” Alana said. “I’m also not going to tell you about the sex parts. I don’t want it to get weird.”
“Thanks,” Mrs. Miller managed.
“Well, because it’s weird to talk about sex things with…with you, because you’re his mom. You know? Like that’s not that’s not a thing you should think about. You should…you should think your baby is like the Virgin Mary. Or whoever the man version of a Virgin Mary is.” Alana shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know those people.”
Mrs. Miller laughed. “If it makes you feel better, I don’t know them either.”
“Oh, I know that part,” Alana said.
“Okay,” said Mrs. Miller. “No sex parts.”
“No sex parts,” Alana repeated. “So I’m not going to tell you that a couple years ago, all of us went on a vacation. And us, I mean, like, the friends, right? Me and Hudson and Shannon and Cal and Jamie and Ben and Oliver and Matilda and Deacon. Matilda and Deacon are probably in love. But that’s…that’s not important for now. And also, JP and everybody.”
“Sure.”
“Anyway, we went on vacation. We went camping because some people like dirt and the outsides and I’m like, okay with it. Anyway, but the point is, I’m not going to tell you about the part how me and Hudson. We did things.” She paused. “They were very nice things. The problem is then we didn’t tell anybody about them and then we never talked about them again. And that probably wasn’t very healthy for us to do that. And because I think, well, I thought…well, maybe I don’t know.” She looked at Mrs. Miller. “You’re a smart lady.”
“Thank you, Alana.”
“And, and, you know smart lady things.”
“Sometimes?”
“Well, you know your son, so that makes you the smartest lady. He is very confusing to understand sometimes. Anyway, the point is, we did things that I cannot tell you about because they are sex things.”
“Thank you for clarifying,” Mrs. Miller said, trying not to laugh.
“Anyway, we did the things and then we never talked about it again. And part of me is like, I don’t know. Maybe he only…You know how there are people who will only fuck the fat girl and then that’s it. Like you could only be a dirty little secret?” She paused. “Oh, no, I shouldn’t have said the F word in front of you. That was rude of me. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, honey. But thank you for apologizing.”
“You’re welcome.” Alana patted her hand. “Anyway, I thought maybe that he was one of those people, but he was so nice. But nice people make bad choices too and are gross about sleeping with people and stuff. They’re so happy to tell you how much they want you and like you and how you’re so beautiful but only as long as nobody else knows that they think that. And sometimes they mean it, but then they know they get judged on who they’re sleeping with and if people know they’re with girls who look like me, they lose their…” she paused. “Not street cred. Social cred? And sometimes they jus’ try and sleep with me because they think I don’t have standards because my BMI says I’m obese. And so when me and Hudson…lay together biblically, and then never talked about it again, part of me thought that he was one of those guys, but I didn’t know which kind.” She paused. “But you can’t tell him any of this, okay? This is all girl secrets.”
“Sure,” Mrs. Miller agreed. She was looking at Alana a little funny. Maybe it was because Alana was telling her that for a while she thought Hudson was one of those guys, and that probably wasn’t the kind of thing someone’s mom wanted to hear.
“And then my uterus was being so bad, and nobody would listen to me, which was so stupid. I mean, they invented a vibrator because they didn’t want to do medicine on ladies. So like, could they be trusted? No. Anyway, and so I kept on asking people to take out my insides, because I just wanted to not feel like I was dying all the time. Because when you feel like you’re dying all the time, it’s really, really bad for you. It’s not good for your health. And for your happiness and all that stuff.” Alana patted Mrs. Miller’s hand. “I hope you’re not in pain all the time. It would make me sad.”
“I’m not,” Mrs. Miller said. “And I’m glad that you think that for me.”
“Well, that makes me happy in my heart,” Alana said. “So, then I desperate times and desperate measured, you know what I mean? Because like what was I gonna do, take it out myself? I don’t know how to do those things. I didn’t go to school to learn how to do that. Only to do computer things. It would have been a very bad idea.”
“That would have been a terrible idea.” Mrs. Miller agreed.
“I know. Sometimes I make smart choices. So then one time a doctor asked me about my husband and what he would think if I took out all my outsides,” Alana stopped, waved a hand. “No, wait. My insides. The outsides are still there. So, when I asked this doctor man, he asked me about my husband. And then I told him that I definitely did have a husband. And that and that my husband also was happy for me to get my insides taken out. But I didn’t have a husband. So, then I needed to find a Hudson husband.” She blinked, yawned. “You should be so proud of him,” she said, insistent. “You know that, right?”
Mrs. Miller nodded. “I do know that.”
“No,” Alana said, “you should be so proud of him. He’s just like, even though I thought he’d only fuck me. Sorry. Sleep with me. He did that and then I thought that, that, maybe he wasn’t a good person because then we never talked about it again. But then everything else about him is so good. And he’s so talented. And he makes such beautiful art all the time. And he’s a good roommate.” And she looked at Mrs. Miller. “And he’s also good at the sex parts, but I’m not going to tell you about those. But don’t worry. And also Lauren didn’t have to worry even though she kept on asking.”
“Lauren?”
“The sex lady. It doesn’t matter. Because we’re not going to talk about that part.”
Mrs. Miller blinked slowly.
“Anyway, then I asked him maybe if we should get married for a year because I know he was so unhappy in the coffee shop and Shannon told me that he was trying to maybe move somewhere else. And that made me very sad. Even though I was so upset at him because of the non-sleeping parts.”
She looked at Mrs. Miller, “But you can’t tell him any of this. Okay? It’s very important. You don’t tell him any of this. Not even one single word.”
“Not even one single word,” Mrs. Miller agreed.
“And here’s the thing. Now I got married because I needed a man husband. The doctor would not have let a lady husband, which is dumb. And Hudson needed my good health insurance from work, because if he has the good health insurance, then he doesn’t have to do the coffee. And then Shannon had to move back to her grandpa to Montana so she could have a Hallmark movie except for I don’t know if the Hallmark movies really worked out very well for her. And I am concerned. But anyway, then Hudson moved into my apartment. And then he was a really good roommate also.”
Alana sighed. “And then I accidentally maybe fell in love with him? Which is a problem. It’s a big problem and you can’t…you have to promise me that you’re not going to tell him that I fell in love with him. Okay? If...if I love him, but he doesn’t love me, and we’re supposed to get divorced and the thought of getting divorced makes me want to throw up, even though I didn’t need anything, because the doctor said I can need anything. And there’s nothing inside of me. But I really don’t want to go anywhere without him ever again in my whole life. And you can’t tell him,” she repeated.
“You can’t tell him that I love him so much. Because I’m gonna have to pretend that I don’t love him so much. But just, but just I want to tell you that you did a good job with your son. Sometimes I think he was born with his heart different because he needed a flaw, and he didn’t have any. He’s smart and funny and creative and he makes me feel beautiful in my heart. And I love him so much, but you can’t tell him that I love him.”
“Okay,” Mrs. Miller nodded, her eyes shiny. “Okay, honey, I’m not going to tell him.”
“And you have to take care of him,” Alana said, “Because when we have to get divorced, it’s going to be so sad that I’m going to have to go away forever.”
“Go away where?”
“Maybe I’m going to move with Shannon. I just…you know when you love somebody a lot?”
Mrs. Miller nodded.
“Right? When you love someone bigger than the whole world, and they don’t love you back. And then you would just have to look at them and know that they don’t love you even though you love them enough for both of you. Because I do love him enough for both of us. I love him enough for everyone, even if my therapist would say that’s not a healthy relationship, I still could. But I can’t love him this much by myself if I’m with him. It would be too hard for me. So, I would have to go away so I could be in love with him all by myself. And then maybe try not to be as much in love with him as I am. So, then I could come back and just be a friend again.” A single tear rolled down her cheek.
“I don’t know if I know how to only be friends, Hudson’s mom,” she said. “I think I only know how to be his wife now.”
“It’ll be okay, Alana.”
“No. It’s not.”
“Why not?”
“Because I love him, and he doesn’t love me, and he should have the perfect spouse and I am not a best perfect wife. And he’s the best perfect husband.” Alana started getting upset. “He deserves a better wife, and he deserves one that he loves. And so, we’re gonna have to get a divorce, and then I’m never going to see you again. Because then I’m not going to be your daughter-in-law, even though I’m not really your daughter-in-law now, except for the government thinks I am.” She looked both ways. “But remember, you’re not telling any of this to Hudson, right?”
“I won’t say a single word to him,” Mrs. Miller said.
“Okay, good.” Alanna sighed, leaned back in her bed, still tightly clutching Hudson’s hands. “Because I love him a lot. I didn’t think that I could love a person so much. But now I can and sometimes it sucks.” She closed her eyes. “Maybe I’ll take a little nap. Tell me…tell me when Hudson’s here, okay? Because even though he doesn’t love me, I still love him. And it makes me happier when he’s with me.”
“Hudson’s right here,” Mrs. Miller said cautiously.
Alana turned, looked up at Hudson. “Oh,” she breathed. “He is.”
She looked over at Mrs. Miller. “That’s why I was happy in my heart. I’m gonna take a nap now.” With that, she closed her eyes, and fell asleep.