Chapter 4 #2
I want the light of admiration to spark in them when he looks down my fully-clothed body.
I want those hands on me and no one else.
Oh, golly.
‘Ladies,’ Rafe says, turning to them with a debonair grin. He shakes their hands, and they simper in a way that would be pathetic if it wasn’t so close to how I suspect I acted just then, when he kissed me.
Ugh.
I hate my life.
‘Rafe is my parents’ neighbour,’ I tell the girls. ‘He lives above their flat.’
Maddy smirks. ‘Penthouse, eh? Very nice.’ And while I’m cringing, she adds, ‘I hope that means you’ll be looking out for our girl while Ben and Lauren are away?’
He smiles directly at me, like, properly smiles, and it’s a truly beautiful thing. ‘From where I’m standing, you look like you’re doing just fine by yourself. But you know where I am if you need me.’
I do a nerdy little nod, flustered as heck.
What is it about this guy and my complete inability to act remotely cool around him?
And with that, he wishes us a good evening and takes his leave.
He’s barely out of earshot when Maddy lurches forward, her fingers fastening around my knee like claws. ‘He’s the one,’ she hisses.
‘The one what?’ I ask. I genuinely have no idea what she means, but I’m also intent on deflecting whatever crazy ideas she’s about to unleash. I know Maddy, and I’ve learnt not to encourage her when she gets something into her head.
‘The one. You know.’ She gestures indelicately at my crotch area. ‘The one who’ll take care of your little problem for you.’
No matter how great an inconvenience I find my virginity, Maddy finds it even more affronting. She’s been on a mission for some time to procure a willing male to relieve me of it, so I shouldn’t be surprised that she’s honed in on poor, unsuspecting Rafe.
‘No.’ No. Oh my God. I’ve blown the entire loss of my virginity up so much in my mind that not only have I put the fear of God into myself—which is obviously the Catholic Church’s main objective—but no one will ever live up to the standards I’ve set in my head.
Rafe would, obviously, smash those standards into oblivion, because, come on, the guy is smoking hot. But the merest suggestion from Maddy that I should consider him in that context is enough to make my neck flush and my thighs press together and my body shudder, because he’s so intimidating.
I’ve grown up around wealthy people. Influential. Powerful. I’m not easily intimidated. With Rafe, it’s not his social or professional stature that has me baulking.
It’s him.
His obscene good looks. His confidence in his own skin.
The fact that he’s clearly a man who’d expect a lot from his girlfriends or…
sexual partners. I bet he goes for women who are just as confident as him.
Just as experienced. Women who know their way around his body as well as he, I’m convinced, would know his way around theirs.
All I’m saying is that he’s obviously a total catch, probably one of the most eligible bachelors in London, if indeed he is actually single, and there’s no way he’d even contemplate taking pity on a pathetic little virgin like me.
And there’s no way I’d ever have the courage to let him.
‘Belle. You beautiful, frustrating creature. If I didn’t love you so much, I’d strangle you. Actually, if I didn’t love you so much, I’d be dragging that delicious man straight into the disabled loos, because he is hot. As. Fuck.
‘But, instead, I’m sitting here, cockblocking myself because he was looking at you like you were supper, and you’ve been complaining for months now that you can’t find the right guy to show you how it’s done.
So, for the love of God, please tell me what the fuck kind of excuse you’re making up in that tiny pea brain right now? ’
She sits back, frustration written all over her face. And I know how she feels, because I’ve been pathetic these past few months. I made it my New Year’s resolution to have sex once and for all this year, and I’ve turned down every single man who’s crossed my path.
‘He hasn’t exactly offered,’ I say, crossing my legs defensively.
‘You’ve only just met him, right? And he came up to you just now. He’s interested.’
‘Mads,’ Alice protests. ‘Give her a break.’
I huff out a breath. ‘He’s too scary, okay?’
Maddy arches a perfect eyebrow. She’s not giving me an inch. ‘How so?’
‘Because…’ I pick at an imaginary speck of fluff on my dress. ‘Because he looks like that, okay? And he’s older. Like, a lot older. Can you imagine how many women he’s been with? It would be so intimidating. I wouldn’t be able to relax.’
It’s true. I wouldn’t. Being with a guy like Rafe would be absolutely terrifying. Except that doesn’t explain why the fantasy of him backing me up against a wall and burying his face in my neck while I run my fingers through that tousled hair sends goosebumps trailing all over my body.
I need someone I find seriously attractive. Obviously.
Rafe ticks that box. Obviously.
But I also want someone who’ll keep things straightforward. Who’ll be caring and considerate and gentle and patient. Who won’t mind that I’ll be totally crap in bed the first time. That I might be in pain. That I might bleed.
There is no way on earth Rafe is that guy.
I know he’d want things on his terms. He’s the kind of man who devours. Consumes.
Or so I imagine, anyway.