Chapter 42
Cal
"I made him just and right, sufficient to have stood, though free to fall.”
—Milton, Paradise Lost
Dirty-lite.
It wasn’t such a difficult mandate. Not such a difficult concept to grasp. I show Aida a good time within the clear boundaries that this documentary—and her personal situation—dictates.
I charm her.
Make her feel like the amazing, sexy woman she is.
I fuck her, giving her just enough kink to show her what she’s been missing, but not too much.
That’s it.
Instead, I slipped a mask on last night, and chained her to a bed, and came all over her tits, and shoved my dick down her throat, and unleashed a torrent of verbal filth, and flipped her over, and spat on her fucking cunt, for fuck’s sake, and railed her as hard as I’ve ever railed anyone in my life.
Nice, Cal. Really nice.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I’m not hungover, which is one of the best things about Alchemy—you never get drunk on alcohol there. You just get drunk on pussy. Still, I’m exhausted. My body’s tired despite spending six or seven hours comatose. And I can’t shake the weighty feeling that I did really, really badly.
When I get to work just in time for our morning meeting, everyone else looks knackered, too, even Gen, which is vaguely reassuring.
‘Hi,’ I say, flopping onto the sofa and stretching my legs out in front of me. I look around. ‘Where’s Mads?’
‘She’s not feeling great,’ Zach says. ‘We didn’t actually make it last night—she’s a bit fluey.’
‘Ah, shame,’ I say. I know how much Mads loves the Masked Ball. Almost as much as she loves Slave Night, which is saying something. ‘Is she staying home?’
‘Yeah, she’s in bed,’ he says. ‘I got her a hot water bottle and some ginger tea before I left. I’ll text her shortly to make sure she’s okay.’
I smirk. He’s so pussy-whipped it’s not funny. I go to open my mouth, but Rafe beats me to it.
‘You’re so caring,’ he croons in a piss-taking voice. ‘Did you put some Vick’s Vaporub on her too, before you left? Give her a good chest rub?’
‘Fuck off,’ Zach says as Gen and I snigger.
‘No offence, but I’m glad she’s not here,’ Rafe says. ‘There’s something I want to talk to you guys about, and I don’t want her to know.’
‘Jesus, me too,’ I say, resting my elbows on my thighs and rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands. ‘I seriously fucked up last night. But you go first, mate.’
‘No, you,’ he says. ‘Honestly. Sounds serious.’
‘Yep.’ I drag my hands down my face and survey them. ‘Got a bit carried away with Aida.’
‘I’m not surprised, wearing that thing,’ Gen scoffs. ‘You looked utterly terrifying. What on earth possessed you?’
‘Dunno,’ I say, just as Zach asks, ‘What was he wearing?’
‘Full-on balaclava,’ Rafe tells him. ‘He looked like a fucking rapist.’
Zach raises his eyebrows. ‘Ah,’ is all he says, but the way he says it speaks volumes.
‘Is she okay?’ Gen asks, leaning forward. ‘That’s the most important thing.’
I think of Aida screaming as I shattered her with my turbo dick. The way she wrapped herself around me in the shower. The kiss we shared in the cab when I dropped her at her front door.
‘She was a lot more than fine last night,’ I say. ‘She was very happy indeed. But I want to check in on her today, because it was a lot.’
‘Define a lot,’ Gen says in her most terrifying voice.
‘Um.’ Shit, she makes me nervous when she takes that tone, and I know how protective she feels of Aida.
At least Aida has one responsible adult looking out for her.
I shift uncomfortably. ‘Let’s just say I got into character.
It was pretty… intense. She had a safe word, and she was definitely on board.
It was just a lot rougher than I intended.
I won’t go into details out of respect for her. ’
And out of respect for my balls. Gen might actually chop them off if she gets wind of exactly what went down. She’s glaring at me as if she’s mentally sourcing a pair of rusty gardening shears for the job right now.
‘This is why I didn’t want her to come,’ I protest childishly. ‘You and Maddy were the ones who persuaded her it would be like Cirque de Soleil. If we’d done it in a more private setting, I wouldn’t have got so carried away.’
‘Come on, mate,’ Rafe scoffs. ‘A little accountability, please.’
I sigh. ‘You’re right, obviously. And, look, a good time was had by all. She was a very happy girl afterwards. I gave her plenty of aftercare, okay? I know how this works. I just hope I didn’t push her too hard, too fast.’
Pun intended.
The aftercare wasn’t purely altruistic, even though it’s an integral part of the Unfurl programme now.
We learnt that lesson the hard way when Rafe had Belle in tears after a scene during her programme.
Our intention with the Unfurl sessions was previously to keep them short and sweet. Clear boundaries, you know?
But poor old Belle was overwrought after Rafe kicked me out of a particularly kinky priest role play and proceeded to bestow the mother of all pearl necklaces on her, and I know for a fact that the way he cared for her afterwards proved to be a massive turning point in their relationship.
They basically became a couple after that night.
And that should probably be ringing alarm bells for me right now, because my memories of Aida and I soaping each other up in the shower, of the pleased little smirk on her face as she lavished particular care on my dick, are making me feel all sorts of warm and cosy.
Yeah, she was in an orgasm cloud—we both were—but knowing we had that time together helps to assuage my guilt over being Mask Guy.
‘The only way to know is to talk to her, mate,’ Rafe says.
‘At the end of the day, we can sit here and give you a hard time, but it’s really between you and Aida.
I know you well enough to be confident you read the room last night.
You’ve got really good judgement when it comes to this stuff—that’s why Gen chose you. ’
‘Yeah.’ I rub my forehead. ‘Thanks. I’m—there was communication, you know? I’m just freaking out a bit because I usually keep myself under control pretty well but last night was…’ I blow out a breath. ‘I was really in it.’
‘Interesting,’ Gen muses aloud, but when I jerk my head in her direction she doesn’t look pissed off. Instead, she’s smiling her signature cat-like smile, like she has a delicious secret.
I can’t be arsed with analysing the enigma that is Genevieve Carew today, so I strategically ignore her. Instead I ask, ‘Have you guys ever woken up and sex-shamed yourself? Or had, like, sex anxiety, where you’re not sure if you went too far the night before?’
‘Well, obviously,’ Zach says, and we all fall about laughing. I suspect that guy wakes up most mornings with Maddy and wonders what the fuck went down.
That woman is wild.
He’s a lucky guy, but not as lucky as her.
‘Remember the first Slave Night?’ Zach says sheepishly. ‘I was so freaked out I’d unleashed the beast that I actually went and saw John for confession the next day.’
Rafe is now laughing so hard he can barely breathe. Even Gen’s shaking.
‘You muppet,’ I say affectionately. John was at school with us, a seriously good guy who Zach was always very close with.
He’s now a priest and still provides Zach with counsel, mostly of the friendly kind rather than the priestly kind.
Obviously, Zach was dealing with a whole other level of sex-shaming himself, because that Slave Night event was the first time he allowed himself to really go for it with Maddy and, in doing so, take a huge first step in moving on from his late wife.
Zach’s laughing too. ‘I know. She wound me up for so long beforehand, and I was so worried I’d disappoint her.
Anyway, clearly I didn’t disappoint her, but I really struggled to make peace with how far I’d taken it.
Like, I really scared myself. Then John told me to get my head out of my arse and go have some fun with her, and’—he shrugs—‘I got out of my own way.’
‘When an actual priest tells you to loosen up, you know you’re uptight as fuck,’ I say.
‘Seriously,’ he agrees.
‘I don’t sex-shame myself, but it’s a very conscious decision,’ Gen says.
‘As in, I have to give myself a talking to and tell myself that if all the parties were consenting adults and everyone was happy, then no harm was done. It’s different for women, possibly.
My chats with myself—before Anton, obviously—have always been more along the lines of whether I’m happy with the things I’ve let other people do to me.
Whereas I’m guessing what’s bothering you is whether you pushed Aida too far, rather than pushing yourself? ’
‘Of course,’ I say. ‘And clearly, most of the time when we’re here at night people are pretty experienced. But you gave me a clear mandate for a very special woman, and I want to make sure I don’t fuck her up. I only want to be a force for good in her life.
‘That said, she’s been pretty clear about keeping the majority of this documentary unscripted for the exact reason that she wants to do this at her own pace. So I’m hoping I read her cues right, and she was happy to up the pace last night.’
The faces around me are sympathetic, thoughtful.
‘What’s done is done, mate,’ Rafe says. ‘Go and see her. Check in with her, make sure she’s feeling okay about it all. That’s all you can do.’
I nod, feeling better about all this. ‘Yeah. Will do. And Gen, I’ll suggest a chat with you if she needs a woman’s perspective?’
‘Absolutely,’ Gen says.
‘Okay.’ I blow out a breath. I feel a bit fragile, almost teary, which is seriously fucking weird. I’ll go see her. I’ll bring her some flowers, and I’ll make sure she knows how much I admire and respect her.
It’ll all be fine.
‘What was it you wanted to talk about while Maddy’s not here, mate?’ I ask Rafe, mentally shrugging off my Aida concerns until I can devote myself to her in person.
‘Oh, yeah.’ He shifts a bit and rubs his palms on his thighs. He looks flustered, which isn’t Rafe’s style at all. He’s a cool customer. ‘Well, I wanted to tell you guys first. I’m going to propose to Belle this weekend.’