Chapter 56
Aida
Ithink he just broke my brain.
I stare at him blankly, because for all the filth and jokes and ridiculous songs that come out of his mouth, the B-word was not one I was expecting.
Not at all.
He chuckles awkwardly and covers my hand with his. ‘Abject panic. Just the reaction a guy hopes for.’
‘No—of course not,.’ I stumble over my words. ‘I’m—where did that come from?’
He lets go of my hand and leans forward so he can lift a coffee mug from the tray and pass it to me. He doesn’t speak again until he’s grabbed his mug and is sitting back against his pillows. ‘Is it a total surprise to you that this is where I’m going with us?’
‘Um—yeah. It is,’ I say flatly. ‘I thought you were just—’
Humouring me. I mentally censor myself before I can say the words, because I know they’ll piss him off. ‘Having fun,’ I finish lamely.
‘I am having fun. I’m having more fun than I’ve ever had. Which is why I’d like to have more and more fun with you while we give this a proper shot. Wouldn’t you?’
‘Sweetie.’ I search in my unusually resistant brain for the right words. I blame all those orgasms. My basic powers of articulation haven’t really recovered from last night, it seems.
Or maybe it’s because the sweetest, hottest, funniest guy I’ve ever known is proposing something that sounds an awful lot like commitment.
‘Absolutely nothing about my reticence has to do with what I want,’ is what I settle on. I’m back in the field, processing in real time as I attempt to disseminate complexity into clarity.
‘Go on,’ he says, his voice gentle. He rests the hand holding his coffee mug on the comforter as he raises the other to stroke my cheek. ‘You can say anything to me. I’m just sorry I blindsided you.’
‘No.’ I shake my head, feeling a little teary. ‘This is the best blindsiding I’ve ever gotten, believe me.’
‘So shoot. Vomit it all out. Process out loud.’
‘You sure about that?’ I ask with a shaky laugh.
‘I’m sure. I just told you I wanted to be your boyfriend, didn’t I? Even I know that involves listening and supporting as much as it involves bending you over my dining table. Come here.’
He wraps an arm around me, and I navigate the small distance between us with a butt shimmy as I keep ahold of my mug. Then I’m inclining my head to the left so I can rest it against his bare shoulder.
God, this is gorgeous. He’s gorgeous. He’s so insanely wonderful—way too good to be true.
‘Right.’ He kisses my temple and keeps his arm wrapped around my neck, hand dangling over my shoulder.
I reach up with my free hand and entwine our fingers.
‘Tell me why the prospect of me even trying to be your boyfriend had you acting like a rabbit in the headlights. Spit it out. I’m a big boy—I can take it.
Though I’m not remotely used to dealing with rejection, so maybe go a little easy on me. ’
I laugh. ‘Okay. Full disclosure, seriously?’
‘Full.’
‘One. You run a sex club. Nothing about that says able to commit.’
‘I give you Rafe, Zach and Gen. But okay.’
‘Shh. Two. I’ve had it very firmly in my head that this thing of ours has a shelf life.
Sure, it’s gone way beyond what I hoped it would be for the purposes of the documentary, but I still thought we were just messing around.
’ I take a deep breath. ‘So I’ve told myself not to get attached.
I’ve very much told myself that all along.
You know, don’t fall for the guy every woman wants. It’s cliché and pathetic.’
He doesn’t say anything then, just kisses my hair and squeezes my fingers harder.
‘Three. Is it three? I’m a lot older than you. Like, a lot. I’m flattered you’re attracted to me, but I’ll be way less attractive in ten years time and you’ll be hot as fuck for decades and decades still.’
‘We’ll come back to that one, because I fundamentally disagree,’ he says.
‘Fine. Four. It’s related, but I assume we want different things in our lives.
I can’t give you babies of your own. I have two kids, and we come as a package deal.
I’ve already done a decade of the parenthood experience, and I’d never want to deprive you of that.
I realise you’re not asking me to marry you, so I’m probably overreacting, but if you’re proposing a relationship, then I see that as a factor. ’
‘Anything else?’ he asks, taking a sip of his coffee.
I sigh. ‘I guess it’s a general one, but it didn’t occur to me that I’d get into another relationship so soon. I mean, this year has been about the very messy, very public dissolution of my marriage. I’m not saying I’m not ready, but it wasn’t really on my radar, you know?’
‘I get that,’ he says. ‘Mine neither. Are you quite done?’
‘For the moment,’ I say, snagging my mug between my thighs and reaching for a piece of buttery toast. I’m sure I have more incisively valid points to make, but I think those are the main ones.
‘Good. Because I have to say, for someone whose profession is creating compelling arguments, that was fucking useless.’
I bark out a surprised laugh. ‘What do you mean?’ I ask through a mouthful of excellent toast.
‘I mean those ‘issues’ are all lame as fuck. Honestly. Pathetic effort.’
‘You’re horrible,’ I tell him.
‘Yep. But listen to me, baby. You’re fixating on the wrong stuff. I don’t give a shit about our age difference, except that it makes you a hell of a lot more interesting than most of the women I’ve been with. I just care about how it is between us, and it’s really fucking good.’
‘The sex is really amazing,’ I tell him carefully, because I’ve belatedly realised what all my objections boil down to, ‘but I guess my overall worry is that you’ll get bored and I’ll get hurt.’
There. That’s what I should have said up front, because, honestly, that’s right at the heart of my reservations. And yeah, it feels humiliating to say it out loud, but if Cal can be vulnerable, then I owe it to him to share my vulnerabilities, too.
Especially if being brave now saves me from getting hurt down the line.
‘Wow.’ He twists to set his mug down on the nightstand before turning back to me and doing the same with mine.
‘Okay. Time for some real honesty, because if that’s how you’re feeling, then we absolutely can’t have that.
Tell me something, baby. Do you think about me when we’re not together?
’ He’s twisted all the way around to face me and his hands are cupping my face.
I nod against them. ‘Yes,’ I whisper.
‘Yep. Me too. Do you miss me when we’re not together?’
‘Yeah.’ I swallow.
‘Good girl. See how good you are at this? Me too. Now, do you find that the more time we spend together, the more you want? Like, last night just makes you want more and more? Like you can’t get enough of us?’
I start to tremble. He’s holding my face so I can’t look away, and in the morning light his brown eyes are raw and searching and so, so profound. I’m almost afraid to answer, but I do, because this beautiful man deserves the truth. ‘Yes.’
His smile is glorious then. He drops his forehead to mine. ‘Me. Fucking. Too,’ he whispers, and then he kisses me. It’s slow and deep and intimate and perfect.
‘I’m not claiming to be the expert between us on relationships,’ he says, pulling away from our kiss but keeping his hands on my face. ‘You’ve been married, I haven’t.’
‘After what I told you last night, I think we can agree I’m far from an expert either,’ I say drily.
‘Fair. But, as far as I can tell, everything we’ve just admitted to is as good a fucking start as any. We click. The sex is off the charts. We can’t get enough of each other. We make each other happy, don’t we? So far, anyway?’
I nod. ‘We do.’
‘Well I hate to tell you, sweetheart, but all the other shit is stuff we can work out in good time. It doesn’t have to feel like falling off a cliff—we can take it day by day.
But if we want more of each other, it sounds like you’d better agree to be my girlfriend like a good fucking girl so we can have more of each other. What do you think?’
‘I think that sounds… sensible,’ I say slowly. ‘It sounds good.’
I’m still computing in real time, but this man and his proximity and his touch and his words and his eyes are conspiring to spin me into a surreal vortex of happiness and hope.
Could this really be achievable? Could we really pull this off, Cal and me?
This unlikely, energising, fledgling relationship?
‘Promising start,’ he says, shimmying down the bed and tugging me on top of him. ‘We’ll get there. I’ll just have to overachieve on being a boyfriend like I overachieve at sex. I said it to myself when you first walked into Alchemy. You’re a tough fucking customer.’