Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
Alex
I test the bath water first. Then, walking over to her side of the bed, I pick her up and carry her to the tub.
“You don’t have to do this.” No, but I want to.
“Shut up, Em.” I smile down at her, and she smirks back.
I place her in the tub first, then climb in behind her so her back is to my chest.
The suds bloom, and I let her sit and process before I ask any of the hundreds of questions I want to.
How, at 26, was she a virgin? How was she giving a world-class BJ but never had sex? How had she not had sex?
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask her. She shrugs.
“I’m sure you have questions…”
“It was a surprise, but I don’t want you to think I’m mad or upset in some way…at all.” It’s fucking embarrassing how proud I am to have been Emma’s first. It’s a fire burning deep in the pit of my soul that I’m the only one she’s ever been with. Mine.
“My mom is…Darla Strait. Have you heard of her before?” I had.
“I know who your mom is, baby.” She turns around to look at me, surprised. Like I wouldn’t run a background check on someone I marry.
“Okay…well, I told you before that she’s an addict.
But it’s not just that, it-it’s her entire world.
I don’t feel like addiction fully encompasses the level of…
devotion she has to it.” She starts talking, and I pull her in tight, running a hand up and down her arm, letting her know she’s safe with me, too. I can be her keeper, too.
“As soon as a penny comes in, it’s back out the door. Or up her nose or in her stomach in the form of pills and hard liquor. But…what’s really fun,” her voice catches, “is when there isn’t any money, and you still have to get to the next high…” I hate knowing where this will lead.
“When I was little, there was a revolving door of men in the house even when my stepdad was still around. My sister, Carrie, tried to shelter me, but by the time I was eight or so, I figured it out.”
“And then, when I was a little bit older…and so was Darla, they weren’t as interested in her, and she–” she pauses, and I give her a supportive squeeze.
“She started offering up my sister… It wasn’t…
optional. So the second Carrie turned 18, she bolted.
She tried to get me to go with her, but I was too scared.
She left anyway, as she should, and my mom… turned to me to fill the gap.”
“The first time was just hands. I hated it, but I didn’t have an option to say no.
I want you to know that, Alex. It was do it, or have it done.
I didn’t want it.” She sniffles, and I hug her from behind, wishing someone, anyone, had actually looked out for her.
I’m also fucking pissed, but for now, I just focus on her.
“And then after a couple of times, they wanted me to use my mouth, and I wouldn’t do it…
So they held me down.” Bile rises in my throat.
“She let them do that to me. Even when I vomited, they held me down. And she let them. The only reason they didn’t rape me was because she was planning to sell that to the highest bidder. ” An actual fucking monster.
“I guess I never really thought sex was all that special until someone was taking it from me without permission. And if that was my only power,” she shrugs, “I didn’t want to give it away…I left the next day. With no money, no home, and no real friends.” She laughs bitterly, “I was 16.”
“I’m so sorry, Em.” I kiss the top of her head and hold on tight. I think of all the times we sat in the mornings, and she just listened to me tell her about all the awful things that have happened to me, and she had this. Festering.
I hold her tight like I’ll never let go.
“This is why you needed me to ask permission…the first time.” She nods. It wasn’t because she’s a domme, it’s because she’s a fucking sexual assault survivor.
The tears run down my cheeks, thinking about her on her knees for me. Giving me something sacred to her.
“I want you to know, Em, what you’ve done for me…” my voice cracks.
“There were a dozen times I wanted to tell you…”
“And I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t.” I’ll do better. I have to. “You’re safe with me; you know that, right?” I feel her tense for a fraction of a second.
Then she says, “You make me feel safe. I know.”
“Did you ever go to counseling?” She shakes her head.
“You mean how did I go from that, to giving a killer BJ?” She teases me, and I pinch her leg under the water.
“No, I didn’t go to counseling. I was homeless at times.
I barely had money for gas. When you found me, that was the absolute best I had done for myself.
I honestly thought I peaked, and it was all gonna be downhill from there.
I didn’t have dreams or aspirations. It was just, keep myself alive.
I might not have been…” She doesn’t want to say the ‘s’ word, “But I know what it’s like to have nothing to live for. ”
She is just like me. She’s said it before in different ways, but it sinks in for the first time that she’s truly just like me.
A blow job isn’t just a blow job, and a kiss isn’t just a kiss.
Even from the first time, we’d given each other something.
It hits hard, the feeling of inevitability that’s Emma and me.
Like no matter what, our paths were bound to cross.
“I’ve never told anyone this actually…but I was pretty determined to not let it ruin me.
So, I started reading spicy books that reaffirmed loving relationships existed.
That someone could give oral sex and have it be a safe experience.
” She lets out a soft chuckle before saying, “Libraries are fucking amazing.”
“And then…I started watching porn…” she laughs again, nervously, “this is like so fucking embarrassing, Alex.” She puts her hands over her face, even though I can’t see her as it is.
“Stop,” I pull her hands away, sliding my fingers in hers. “I want to hear this.”
“Ugh, fine. So, I watched a lot of…porn. I found what I liked and kept reading, and it stopped being such an aversion…And I’ve had a boyfriend before…
” I want his name and to kill him. “But it wasn’t like this.
There wasn’t a future for us. It was just…
” I don’t want to hear about how she practiced her way to the queen of head.
“You’re amazing,” I tell her. Because she is. “And I hope you feel like you have so much ahead of you. No matter what happens, you should be so fucking proud of how smart, and kind, and empathetic you’ve turned out.”
“I could say the same thing about you,” she answers back.
After that, we just sit in the tub, holding on to one another until the water turns cold.
“I have to go pick up Delta. Do you want to come?”
“Yeah.” I help her out of the tub, watching her walk to the empty sink, then dry off. All of Jess’ things went to the dump after Emma moved out. It didn’t seem fair that Jess got to stay, but Emma was gone.
I still get a weird twinge in my chest, picturing Jess in this space, but Emma… Every time I think of Emma, I’m happy. I’m happy she’s here. I love her being here. And I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon.
“What are you looking at?” She asks in the mirror’s reflection, where she sees me watching her from the tub.
“My wife’s ass.” Her cheeks turn pink as I smirk. “And how fucking beautiful she is.” She laughs, ducking her face.
Emma
“I can’t believe you got rid of the Jeep,” I tell him as I climb into his new truck.
“It was time. Plus, it didn’t seem right to make Delta ride around in a tin can.” I had the same thought.
“Right, had to do it for the dog,” I laugh, mainly in an attempt to bring us back to normal. I’m still feeling a little raw from it all, and I can feel Alex treating me more delicately than needed.
Definitely more affectionately, but I can’t tell if it’s because we just had sex for the first time, because we’re actually together, or because I just trauma-dumped on him. His hand extends across the cab, and he threads his fingers between mine.
“So we’re really doing this, then?” I lift our entwined hands where my wedding ring has been reinstalled. After he got out of the bath, he set it on the counter for me, then waited till I put it back on.
“Happily,” he says. I still have questions, but it feels real. Like we are actually married. Sleeping in the primary bedroom of the house. Having sex. And we’re certainly acting like a couple. We also just happen to be married.
“Okay.”
“Do you want to stop for a coffee? Or anything?” Who even is he? I look at him with wide eyes.
“Who are you?” He laughs, then picks up our hands and kisses the top of mine. “No, I’m good on coffee since I’m sort of hoping someone will make me pancakes when we get home…”
“Deal,” he says.
We sit in silence the rest of the drive because while Alex may be in a good or better mood, he still has the radio turned off in the car. I’m used to it, though. So I lean back and watch as we drive through the pines, inhaling the distinct mountain air that permeates the truck’s cab.
I feel a little apprehensive stepping up to Brit and Liam’s house. I haven’t seen them since the night I saw Liam at Maggio’s…
Alex knocks, and a few seconds later, Brit answers.
“Oh, you brought Emma.” Her tone. I don’t want to dislike her, but she makes it hard. She’s never warm or overtly kind to me. She’s always just polite enough.
I smile at Britain anyway as she opens the door for Alex and me to come in.
The second Alex’s boots hit the hardwood floors, Delta comes flying around a corner. No traction on the smooth floor, just like a cartoon character who runs as fast as they can but never goes anywhere. Alex gets down, and the two embrace like long-lost pals.
“You should have told us you were coming…” she draws it out, looking at Alex.
“You knew I was coming to get the dog?” The coding is there, in between the lines, that he should have told them I was coming.