Chapter 19 #2
She opens her arms, in question. I could say no, that it’s not a good idea.
In fact, that’s what I should do. But instead, I move in, holding Delta firmly while lacing a hand around her back.
She fits to me, molding her body against mine, and everywhere that she touches feels ablaze.
We were a goddamn wildfire that, left to its own devices, would destroy everything in its path.
She tightens her grip, and I tighten mine. Pulling her harder against me.
I love you, Jess.
Don’t say it out loud, though.
“Last chance,” she whispers, with a hand around my neck and her forehead resting on my chest. Why is she doing this? Why the fuck? Why now? It sows a seed of hate for her. The way she’s tempting me, does she even know she’s doing it? Is she desperate, too?
“Jess, you’ll regret this,” I whisper the words once whispered to me. And I get it, at this exact moment, exactly what Emma had meant. That Emma had been thinking about me back then. That she saw me. She still sees me. I couldn’t do this to her.
“I don’t regret loving you, Alex. But this is really it. I can’t carry the torch forever.” I understand. Deeply. However, I likely would carry the torch, for her and me, forever. But I won’t be doing it at the expense of ruined lives. Not Jess’s, not Damian’s, and certainly not Emma’s.
I can’t do it.
I pull away just a little. “I want you to know I’m sorry. For hurting you. You didn’t deserve it. And I hope that you’re happy. With him.”
“Okay,” is all she says back. That one-word answer is bullshit.
I try my best to let it go, though. Because this is it, the last time it will ever be just her and me.
Fucking hate it, though. I should have been used to the idea.
If you had asked me before if I would ever be alone with Jess again, the answer would have been no.
But here we are, and I know next time I see her, she’ll likely be Jessica Scott.
I watch her swallow, her hazel eyes looking up at me, and I know she loves me, too. I can feel it. This thing between us reignites. Not that it ever really went out. It was a pilot light flaring.
Our paths had forked, veering away from each other, yet here we were. Together, again. Was it the last time? Would we ever meet like this again?
The sinking feeling in my stomach is an ache, a different kind of gut feeling. Was this really the last time? My heartbeat pounds in my ears to the beat of: can’t-let-go. Can’t-let-go. Can’t let go.
She comes up, leaning in, staring at my mouth. God, I fucking love her.
The hand around my neck tightens and squeezes, and my heart beats for her. Only her.
Again. Won’t-let-go. I’ve come so far, but one look, one touch, is all it takes for me to fall back into the depths of hell with her.
And then, her lips are on mine.
The kiss is ravenous on both sides. Pushing and pulling.
I groan when she bites my lip, and she moans when my tongue slides against hers.
I pull her in tighter, dropping Delta’s leash so I can pick her up.
Why am I picking her up? Reason has fled.
All that’s left is her. Her chest pressing against mine, her lips on mine, her hands on me.
She wraps both legs around me, never relinquishing my mouth. Then I’m guiding her back and up against a tree, and she’s pushing her pelvis against mine. How far is this going to go? How far do I want this to? To the ends of the Earth.
“Fuck,” I pull away to mutter, shaking my head. What are we doing?
“Please don’t stop,” she begs me. But I do. I ease away, dropping her legs back to the forest floor.
“Fuck!” I turn towards the lake to shout. I’m not yelling at her; I’m shouting at the world. At myself. How could I do this? To Emma?
Delta barks at me. The dog is wondering the same fucking thing.
“Why did you do that, Jess?” I ask quietly, fighting back tears over what I just ruined. It wasn’t just her, though. “No, don’t answer that.” I hold a hand up. “It’s my fault, too.” I start pacing in the small clearing. Running my hands through my hair, pulling on it tight.
“You love me,” she whispers. No shit. I look at her, inhaling deeply, my nostrils flaring, tears pooling in my eyes. I want to yell at her. Of course I do!
“Alex…” she says in a tone that wrecks me. Ruins me. She reaches for me...and I don’t have the will to walk away.
She palms my face and pulls me down to her. In theory, she might be the one guiding this, but I’m an active participant. I place my hands on her hips, remembering the feel of her. I revel in it.
She feels the same. But I’m different. And at the same time, I’m not. I would always be this version of me with her. There’s no denying it.
Our mouths come together again, only marginally less violently than before. Both of us just desperate for more.
The need for more feeling. She nips on my lip.
More skin. She sheds her sweatshirt and runs her hands underneath my shirt, her palms warm against my abdomen.
More pressure. My cock is hard and wedged between us, the friction never enough with the layers of clothing.
More time. There isn’t any, this would be it. All we would have.
Jess starts unbuckling my belt, and my breath speeds up, our mouths clashing.
She unwraps her legs from around me, never letting my mouth go, and she’s pushing her leggings down.
I close my eyes, fighting against my baser instincts, but lose the battle.
I wouldn’t not do this. Not in any version of this story.
Not in any other universe. Because I would always be this Alex with her.
She frees me from my boxer briefs, and I lift her again, her cunt lining up perfectly with me. I walk her back to the same tree, pushing her against it as I slide in. With the motion, it’s like going back in time.
“God, Alex,” she whispers softly, grinding her hips, willing me to move. So I do. I watch her with open eyes as I fuck her, words warring in my head the whole time.
I hate you.
I love you.
I’ll never get enough of you.
She says my name quietly, but her eyes stay closed. I need her to open her eyes, to look at me. See me.
But this is our game.
I won’t ask. Instead, I’ll set her up for tasks she’ll always fail. And when she hurts me, it’ll be just another tick in a column against her.
Open your fucking eyes, Jess.
Her mouth grasps for mine, and I kiss her with open eyes, waiting. My heart pounds as she races towards her finish line. My dick moves in and out of her, my body is on fire, but if she doesn’t open her fucking eyes…
“Oh god, Alex!” Jess exclaims, arching her back into the tree as her cunt convulses around me. I don’t stop, letting her strangle me for every last bit of pleasure.
When she finally opens her eyes…I hate what I see.
“Alex?” she asks. I swallow against the strain in my throat.
The burn in the back of my legs. Instinct is telling me to redouble my efforts.
To fuck her ruthlessly, to take without care.
It wasn’t that I would always be this Alex with her.
It was that she could only ever see me a certain way, so that’s what I would be.
When I look down, watching her take me, it doesn’t make me feel the way it should.
It’s not the way I fantasized it would be.
There would be no rejoining of our lives.
There isn’t a future for us where I get down on one knee again.
Because Jess and I only exist in the terrible.
In the fraught. In the pain. I revert when I’m with her.
I become someone I hate. I hate myself now.
And I hate her, too, though a little of that hate is misplaced.
No, the glorious euphoria doesn’t find me. Instead, I’m met with monumental regret.
I slide out of her, refusing to finish. Refusing to make eye contact as I set her feet on the ground.
While she puts her clothes back on, I zip up my pants with disgust. I just did that. I can hardly believe it. Like it was an out-of-body experience, and now that I was on the other side of it…I don’t even know who the fuck that other person was. It couldn’t have been me.
But it was. It is.
I’m a fucking monster. Jekyll and Hyde.
“We can do this, Alex. If you want to,” she says as she pulls the sweatshirt over her head.
Then, walking to me, she grabs a hold of my arm.
“I know this isn’t normal, whatever we have.
I know you know it, too.” Yeah, I know. I nod, acknowledging what she’s saying but not agreeing that we should blow up our lives. It’s too late. You already have.
“I love you,” she says, but somehow I don’t believe her. I can’t. “It’ll be hard, yes, but…if you just let Damian stay on…it’ll be okay.” The gut feeling roars within me. It screams at me as cold fear slides through my veins, and I freeze.
“Excuse me?” My tone doesn’t broker even an ounce of warmth.
“I know it’s you, Alex.” She looks at me with strength and poise.
“And? What are you implying?” My heartbeat thrums, the cold turning to heat. It’s in my back, in my gut, in my head, and it says something — everything — is wrong.
“Let Damian keep his company, and I’ll break the engagement.” The words are blunt, but her delivery is subtle. And I know she really believes this is a win-win situation for all involved.
Which would mean she hadn’t come here for me. She came here for him. A sacrificial lamb for her chosen one. I hate her, more than I ever thought possible.
“I have to talk to Emma.” I see her struggle to understand what I’m saying.
Love no longer matters in this scenario. Sure, she loves me. And sure, I love her, too. But there are too many games. Too many secrets. Too many lies. I can feel the love I have for her slip. It bleeds into the past, wiping away our future.
“You’re going to tell her?” she asks.
“I’m going to tell her what happened,” I say blandly, zoning out, looking at what was our place.
“So, what does that mean?”