Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
Alex
Finding her at the cove was a no-brainer. It’s her sanctuary.
What I didn’t know was that he’d be there, too.
What I didn’t expect was to find my wife wrapped around my best friend. It stirs something inside me. Jealousy, desire. Her legs wrapped around me. My hand wrapped around his throat.
But it’s something else, too, something I’ve been ignorant of. Maybe she loves him back.
Blanks is still standing in the water, staring at me.
So, I stare right back. Like a fucking old western standoff, my jaw tenses, and his does, too.
“So much for that being the end of it.” I slide my hands into my pockets and crack my neck like I’m ready for a fight.
“Fuck you, Alex,” he says, then starts making his way out of the water and onto the shore.
Standing toe to toe, I want to throttle him. Blanks knows it, too.
“Do it,” he dares me, his nostrils flaring with the taunt.
I want to beat him to a bloody pulp. Push his body out into the lake—
“You’re a hypocritical son of a bitch, you know that?” He shoves me away and immediately starts pacing. He stops, though, his hand coming up, balling into a fist in frustration.
“You know what?” His fist falls, “I’m done with you.” Some of the tension leaves his voice.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“I mean, I’m done being whoever the fuck I am to you because it’s abundantly clear that to you, I’m no one.”
I scoff, “Sorry, I’m not congratulating you with a pat on the back for trying to fuck my wife.”
“Yeah, well, if all I wanted was to fuck her, it would have happened a long, long time ago.” He paces some more, stops, then paces again. “Also, calling her your wife is a privilege earned, and you don’t deserve it.”
“And you do?” That’s fucking rich.
He starts pacing again, then finally decides.
“You know what, yeah. I do fucking deserve it. And so does she.” He puts his fingers to his temple.
“Imagine that. Two people who actually deserve each other and could make each other happy. Imagine her husband not having to pray every fucking day that her memory doesn’t come back.
Imagine what her life would look like if she had a partner who cared about her even half as much as she did about them.
And you know what? Every time I do imagine it — which is a lot, by the way — I never fucking imagine that happening with you. ”
“You think you can give her everything she wants then? Is that right?” I ask, feeling the anger and jealousy fueling what I’m about to say.
“Yeah! I do it a hell of a lot better than you already.” He thinks he’s so much better than me. Well, fuck him.
“She wants a family.” The words slip out of my mouth full of venom, harsh and offensive. Then they just hang there between us, festering. He stops his furious pacing and stares at me. Then suddenly, the words are like an anvil falling from the sky, crushing him. Decimating our 20-year friendship.
He sniffles, wiping at his nose.
“God, I can’t believe I was ever friends with you.” Not stopping for the shoes or the shirt he’d thrown off, he turns and walks away from me.
I shouldn’t have said it.
Emma
After drying off and changing quickly, I head for the basement.
His room is empty, so I sit on his bed and wait. I bite my fingernails nervously, trying to prepare. Trying to think of what to say. All I can come up with is “sorry.”
Sorry for putting him in that situation. Sorry for acting inappropriately. Sorry for being a shit person. But most of all, I’m sorry for pushing him away.
My eyes pinch closed at the fiery burn in my chest when I recall the memory. The look on his face. It was fucking horrific, and I’d done that to him.
“Angel, open your eyes.” I don’t. I keep them closed.
“I’m so sorry, Blanks.”
He laughs, and my eyes open only to realize the insincerity of the sound.
“I’m Blanks now? Not Caleb?” His tone cuts me right back. I hadn’t meant it like that. I mean, I know I chose not to call him Caleb on purpose. Maybe I’ve been leaning on him too much. I’ve been leading him on. This is my fault.
“You’ll always be Caleb to me. It’s just...I think I’ve messed everything up.” He nods, then grabs a shirt and throws it on. Then he grabs a bag out of the closet and starts filling it.
I walk over to him at the dresser, placing a hand on his arm, and ask, “Please don’t go?”
He looks at my hand but not at me. Look at me, Caleb.
“Can’t stay, Em.”
“Please?” I plead again. He ignores me. “Please, I can’t do—” I struggle for the right way to say it.
“I can’t be…um.” My fists clench and unclench, trying to fight through the mental haze.
Trying to pick the right words to go with the right thought.
“There’s this feeling. I-it,” I stutter, and my hands grow clammy.
“I don’t know where it’s coming from, but it’s telling me that I want you here. ”
“Jesus.” He shakes his head, still without looking me in the eyes. I’ve hurt him. Terribly.
“Please. Stop packing, please.” My voice grows more urgent, more insistent.
He pauses, then says, “Beg.” No trace of warmth in his voice. It’s like it’s from a man I don’t even know.
“Isn’t that what I’m doing?” I ask in exasperation. “I’m begging you to stay! Literally.”
When he finally looks at me, I don’t know whether to cry or start unbuckling his belt.
“On your knees.” The intensity of his command nearly blows me over. My heart thunders in my chest. I stare at him, and he looks at me. “If you want me to stay, you’ll get on your fucking knees, Emmaline.” My brows pinch together. I want to, but I’m so confused.
What would it mean if I do?
“Why?” My question comes out whispered.
“Because I’m tired of being the one who’s always on their knees for someone else.
” He looks away from me, and I feel it like a loss.
Please don’t go. My whole body shakes, and I want him with every fiber of my being.
I want him to stay. I want him today. And tomorrow.
And I can’t pinpoint when that started happening, but it’s so clear to me how it’s suddenly a fact of life.
If he wants me to beg, if he wants me on my knees, I just need one thing from him.
“I can’t get on my knees for you, not without you ask—”
“Knockity knock-knock,” Becks chimes from the doorway, eyeing up both of us. “We have to leave for CT, girlfriend.” She looks down at her smartwatch. “Like right now.”
I look at Blanks, who’s gone back to ignoring my existence.
As I go to open my mouth and tell her I’m going to miss today, Caleb beats me to it.
“You should go.” Then, more so to Becks, he says, “She was just leaving anyways.”
“I wasn’t,” I protest.
“You were.” When I don’t move, he says, “You should.” It’s the most malice I’ve ever heard in his tone. It’s chilling. It slices me in half it’s so cutting.
The next swallow I make reminds me of the time I spent lying in a hospital bed, throat bone dry. Unable to move, unable to open my eyes. All I can remember is being in crippling pain. And this is exactly the same.
I cry as silently as possible as Becks drives me down the mountain to my appointment, then back up afterward. She pretends not to notice my sniffles so I can have some privacy. She’s good like that.
I didn’t see Alex before I left, and he isn’t around when I get home, and I honestly consider that a blessing. I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want to know if he saw me with Blanks earlier or if he was just coming up on us.
I don’t want to think about what it means either way. He saw us, and he doesn’t care? Or he didn’t see us, and I need to tell him?
The house is quiet. Too quiet. No one comes to check in on me after hearing the front door open, and I know what that means. He’s gone.
“Becks, I’m gonna go for a walk before dinner, k?” She gives me a little nod, and I slip out the mudroom door.
With the sun up till nearly eight, I wouldn’t need anything more than the light sweatshirt I’m already wearing. With absolutely no rush, I meander down to the cove. I don’t feel any pull to the house anymore. In fact, it’s the opposite. I don’t want to be there at all. But I do feel a pull to here.
The pine needles underfoot have turned chestnut brown in the recent heat, and the nearly always damp forest floor has dried with it.
The sun rays filter in between branches and vines, bathing everything in its path with a golden glow, and I sniffle the last of the tears as my nervous system settles in the new environment.
I let myself let it out, and I’ve officially run dry.
My cove is empty, aside from Blanks’s t-shirt and shoes. Picking up the shirt, I climb the boulder, then sit crisscross to watch the water.
I pull the shirt up, inhaling his spicy, masculine scent. With it comes flickers of dreams I’ve had of him. Lately, it’s been this recurring dream of him and me getting married. It looks just like my wedding to Alex, but it’s Blanks standing in his place.
I’ve told no one about the dreams because fuck, they’re embarrassing. But I still get a warm feeling when I think of them. Especially for what they are. Dreams.
It’s nice to dream, but reality is where I live.
I once had a dream of falling in love, too. I never dreamt of falling in love with two men. Least of all at the same time. The irony.
I close my eyes and listen to the sound of a faraway motorboat and the rustling boughs on the trees.
This place is still my magical place, and it never steers me wrong or fails to ease the pain. The longer I sit, the more I can feel my mood shift. I can feel the acceptance take over.
This is the first place I’ve ever known sanctuary. Where I finally understood the meaning.
I don’t doubt that there are other places that rival Spearhead’s beauty, if not surpass it.
But no other place would hold the same appeal.
No other place would be the one that comforted me for the first time in my life, blanketed me in contentment.
Made my heart sing with joy. Made me feel like I had started breathing for the first time.
Being in love with Alexander feels the same. There are others. There is better. But no one is him.
Blanks was a fantasy. Alex is reality, imperfect and messy. And I know I won’t love another the same way I love him.
I hope the same is true for him. I know he loves me even though he still loves her.
Somehow, I doubt he loves me more. He just loves me different.
And that’s okay.
Blanks was a distraction. He was the one I latched on to because, simply put, he’d been there. And he was my friend; I should have never let there be anything more.
But Alex…I couldn’t imagine a time I wouldn’t be in love with him. He would be my constant. Even when he hurts me. Even when he can’t give all of himself to me. Even still, he’ll always be the one who matches me in every way.
Eventually, the sting of Blanks’s departure will fade just like it had once before. Alex and I will both apologize for the way everything happened today, and then we’ll move forward. Because that’s something he and I are good at.
With a sort of peaceful resignation, I head back towards the house.
When I open the mudroom door, I hear talking, and for a brief moment, I think he might have come back.
“She picked this out?” Alex? “Really?”
“Okay, fine. No, I did,” Becks replies.
I find them in the dining room, sorting through the options for the wedding.
“Hey.” They both look up at the sound of my voice. Alex gives me his signature half-smile.
“I think we’ve got things sorted into Emma-would-like-this and Emma-will-not piles,” he says while pointing to two stacks on opposite ends of our dining room table.
I smile back. “That’s great. I’ll try them on tomorrow.” My stomach twists at the thought of actually going, but I started this...
“I’m gonna head to bed. I’m exhausted.” It’s the truth.
“Emma,” Alex stops me as I turn to leave.
“Yeah?”
He meets me in the hallway, leaving Becks in the dining room.
“About today…” he looks like he’s thinking hard. My heart rate spikes with anxiety. “I’m sorry. I was an ass.” I sort of laugh.
“I’m sorry, too.” He pulls me in for a hug. One that feels extra tight and warm, albeit lacking the sort of sexual tension I’m craving. “We really don’t need to go, Alex. I don’t care about it.”
“Sure, but we’re going to.” He runs a hand into my curls, tugging my head back to look up at him. “I want everyone to see how fucking beautiful my wife is.” Then he brings his lips down to mine. It’s slow and tender, and when I go to deepen it by swiping my tongue against his, he pulls away.
I give him a little frown, and I think he blushes. “Are we okay?” I ask quietly. He doesn’t reply audibly. Instead, he gives me the slightest of head nods. I’ve never felt less okay with him.
“Okay…” I slip out of his arms to leave, but he tugs my hand before I’m completely free.
“I’m going to sleep upstairs tonight if that’s okay? Just haven’t been sleeping great, and I think it’s the mattress.” Bullshit. He sleeps like a baby beside me. I know because I’m the one who hasn’t been sleeping great. I’m also positive it’s the same mattress in both rooms.
“I can sleep upstairs with you if you want?” I offer.
He declines. “No, I don’t want to mess up your routine. I’ll just see you in the morning, baby.” I feel my chest cave in. Maybe Alex and I won’t be moving forward after all.