Chapter 32
THIRTY-TWO
Alex
Silas eventually comes out, bearing a grim look. He’s not working today, but he’s been back, waiting for word.
Matt stands up before the rest of us, so we let the two of them talk privately first. Brit worries her lip, trying to figure out the right time to ask what’s happening.
“It’s a lot more than they anticipated,” Silas says softly, not sparing our feelings.
I didn’t have high expectations after feeling like shit all morning, but I had hoped for better than this. I had hoped they just needed to remove a slightly larger section. Instead of a laparoscopy, they would have to open him up. I thought the level of “worse” would be marginal, not devistational.
“He’s still in there, so let’s just wait, okay?” Silas says when nobody has anything else to add or ask.
Niko is the first to walk out of the waiting room. Probably for a smoke, but Max follows shortly after to make a phone call.
“Do you guys want me to go get lunch?” Jess checks the time. Everyone thought he’d be out by now.
“No one’s hungry, but thanks,” Matt says, taking a seat again. I sit beside him this time, and Brit does the same, taking the chair on his left.
“I’ll be back as soon as I know more,” Silas pats Matt on the shoulder and leaves.
Jess is still standing, looking anxious, when an unexpected guest waltzes into the waiting room.
“Mom?” Matt asks, surprised. Julie looks like she’s dressed for an occasion — tall, high-heeled boots, tight black top, her hair and makeup done — but not this occasion.
“I just came to see if you needed anything…I don’t want to stay. I know I’m not welcome,” she glances between Britain and me, still flanking him. “But Silas text that things aren’t going as planned, and I–” she shrugs, “I can get coffee as good as anyone.”
“Here,” Brit stands. “Have my seat,” but Matthias grabs Brit’s hand, shaking his head at her.
“Coffees would be great,” Matt tells Julie, and she looks grateful for it.
“How many?” She looks around the waiting room, trying to count.
“Seven,” Matt says quickly.
“Full house, okay. I’ll be back in a few.”
Brit sits back down, but I notice Matt doesn’t release her hand. Brit doesn’t try to free it, either. She threads her fingers with his and whispers to him, “That’s actually really kind of her, Matthias.” He nods.
Matt is Connie’s only blood-related child. Everyone else loves him and calls him Dad, but everyone also feels like Matt has the most to lose here. We all know it.
Jess takes the seat directly across from mine, so I pull out my phone and do the only thing that feels right.
A
Hey, Connie is in surgery today, and I don’t think it’s going as anticipated, so I just wanted to let you know. I know you both care about each other. A lot.
Em
I’m so sorry to hear that it’s taking a turn. I’m already at the airport. I’ve been on standby for two flights already. I’m trying to get there.
I swivel my head to look at Brit, knowing she would have been the one to say something.
You’re coming here?
Trying to.
Why didn’t she just ask Blanks to charter her a flight? I don’t hesitate to call in a favor. I’m on my feet before I can even think about it.
Which airport?
I’m at Newark. It has the most flights westbound, so I thought my chances would be higher?
It takes five minutes to bump someone else’s charter heading west, then order a car to pick her up from Newark.
A
There’s a car waiting at departures. It’ll take you to Teterboro airport. Just check in at the front, they’re expecting you.
Em
You don’t have to do this, Alex. I’ll get a flight eventually.
The only thing that would make today better is for you to get on that plane and come here. Please.
Her bubble of dots comes and goes. My heart races. I hope, then pray, and then I hope some more that she was walking to departures, and that was the reason for the hold-up. It’s ten more minutes before I get a response.
I’m in the car. See you in a few hours.
Okay.
I sit back down, tipping my head up to the ceiling, feeling relief. Feeling overjoyed that she would be here. I close my eyes and run a hand through my hair before sitting up straight again.
I could tolerate the waiting room purgatory knowing she’s coming. I could make it through anything knowing she’s on the other end of it all.
Eventually, Julie comes back, bringing coffee and bottled water for everyone. She sits with us for five minutes, bouncing her legs, wringing her hands together, and then she’s up again.
“I’m ordering lunch,” she says nervously, the physical embodiment of what everyone else is going through. “Britain, Alex, any allergies? You?” She looks at Jess.
We all shake our heads.
“I’ll be back.” What the? What was that?
I shoot Brit a side glance, and I can tell she’s thinking the same.
Niko and Max eventually rejoin us. Both of them eye Brit and Matt, holding hands, but neither says anything. Everyone seems too scared to address the elephant in the room.
Another hour goes by before Silas walks through the hall door with a surgeon beside him. This time, everyone stands.
Silas looks uneasy, but he doesn’t look like he just found out his dad died. Small wins.
The surgeon speaks first, “I just want to let you all know, he’s in recovery and he’s stable.” Everyone lets out the smallest of exhales of relief.
“We had originally planned on laparoscopy, but after an initial incision, we made the decision to do an open hemicolectomy, removing the right section of the colon and all the surrounding lymph nodes. But unfortunately, the cancer has metastasized,” the words get blurry, and the room feels hazy, but he continues on, “It’s spread. ”
There are more senseless words, “...peritoneum, which is the membrane that lines the abdomen.” The ringing in my ears makes everything hard to hear. “...a biopsy from his liver. He’ll need to recover from the surgery, then we’ll figure out the treatment plan. But more than likely chemotherapy.”
Fuck. No one lets out a tiny exhale of relief this time.
A
I’ll pick you up.
Em
I need to rent a car anyway. I can meet you at the hospital.
I’m already here.
When her flight lands twenty minutes later, I’m standing in the private terminal, waiting. I watch her walk across the tarmac in leggings, an NYU sweatshirt, and Chuck Taylors. Her curly hair gets swept up in the wind, and she does a light jog to escape the chill.
The door of the terminal opens, and she’s here. Pink cheeks, shy smile. My girl.
Waiting for her to come to me, I debate what the appropriate greeting is. A hug? A handshake? A kiss that would show her I love her, desperately? Now more than ever.
But then she’s standing in front of me and going up on tiptoes to place a kiss on my cheek. Before she can back away, I slip a hand around her back and hold her against me, pulling her in for a hug.
“How is he?” She asks like a reminder. She’s here for Connie, not me.
“Stable.” I let her go.
She lets loose a long exhale, jostling a large tote bag on her shoulder.
“Let me.” I take it from her. “Is this all?” She always seems to travel light.
She blushes, then says, “Yeah. I left in a hurry…”
“Well, we can get whatever you need–”
She stops me, “I’m not staying long. I just want to see him. Want to make sure you’re okay.” She looks away like the thought pains her.
I take her chin and pull her back to look at me.
“If you’re here, I’m better than okay.” Her cheeks flame, and her pupils seem to blow wide open.
“We should get going, I didn’t mean to take you from the hospital…” I release her chin but grab her hand, leading her to the car.
“New car?” she asks.
“It’s Matt’s.” I hold her door open for her, watching her ass as she climbs up. She appears to be back to normal. Her curves look muscular, her hips look wider.
“The infamous Matthias? He let you take his car?” she asks while we get buckled.
“Yeah, we sort of live together at Connie’s. It’s-we just have an understanding that the past is the past, and we’re both over it.”
“That’s great, I can’t wait to meet him,” she says, adding a smile. I fight the urge to reach for her hand and hold it. I fight against the need to wrap my hand around her thigh as I drive, like if I keep holding on to her, she’ll never leave.
The car is silent, aside from Emma humming beside me, so I turn on the music. She looks at me, shocked.
“It’s okay, this doesn’t need to be on.” She reaches over to press the power button, but I stop her, holding her hand.
“But you like it, right?” She doesn’t respond, letting her hand fall. Mine goes with it. And this time, I do hold on.
Matt’s radio is tuned to country music, so that’s what we listen to while we drive. We actually pass her old condo building on the way to the hospital downtown. I watch her look at it almost longingly. Missing who we were back then? I know I am.
We park in the underground garage, and I tell her to sit tight while I come around to open her door. She almost looks embarrassed. I’m the one who should be embarrassed for not treating her like this at the wedding.
She almost forgets her phone but grabs it at the last minute, stuffing it into the side of her leggings.
“Is everyone still here?” She asks, pulling her sweatshirt down over her butt, and bringing her hands into the cuffs of the sleeves.
“I think.” I want to reach for her hand, but she’s hiding them now, maybe for that exact reason.
We take the elevator to level two and then walk down a long hallway to the surgery waiting room.
“Emma, I–” I start, but she shakes her head and then turns to me.
“I’m just here to focus on Connie and to make sure you’re okay. Just let me do that, please?” She pinches her eyes closed, like if she blocks the visual of me, it will make this easier.
“Of course,” I say. Because I would do anything she wants, act any way she tells me to. If she said I only want to talk about beet salad and overrated karate moves for the next 72 hours, I’d say, ‘Yes, ma’am.’
The first person to make eye contact with her is Jess. I watch as Emma doesn’t even so much as flinch. She goes to Brit first, giving her a warm hug. I watch from the corner of my eye as Jess watches, too.
And then she’s giving Niko a hug. And Max. And Silas, too.
She stands in front of Jess’ chair, and I hold my breath, but Jess stands, and they embrace?
It’s not overly warm, but it’s a friendly enough greeting.
I move over, slipping my hand in hers just as she finishes.
“We’ll talk later,” Jess says in a hushed tone. They would?
“Matt, this is my–” wife dies on my tongue as Emma interrupts me.
“Emma,” she says, holding out a hand to him. “It’s nice to meet you. Connie’s told me so much.”
“Same to you,” Matt shakes her hand right back.
“What did I miss?” I ask for an update.
“They’re moving him to a room, and then we can visit, taking turns. You missed lunch, though.” I shrug. Don’t care about that. But Emma’s stomach growls.
“Sorry. God, embarrassing.” She runs a hand across her stomach. The motion sends heat to my groin for some reason. “Um, flying makes me nervous, so I didn’t eat…” I picture her clutching onto the armrest in lieu of anyone to hold her hand, and I feel like I could cry.
“You should have said something. I could have stopped…” She shakes her head, though.
“No, you needed to be back here. I’ll go find the cafeteria or something,” she rests a hand on my arm, her thumb rubbing gently. “Don’t worry about me,” she says softly. She’s saying softly what feels like a dagger to the heart. I’m not yours to worry about anymore. I take care of me, not you.
But I want to. My soul practically cries back. God, how I want to.
When there’s space between us, I can pretend that I’m not thinking about her 24/7. I can pretend like I’m not worried about her in New York City. I can pretend that I don’t need to know if she’s still keeping up with her physical therapy.
But her in front of me… I would give everything for her to let me in.
Anything.
“There’s a vending machine, down the hall, if you make two rights…Actually, I can just show you?” Jess asks, eavesdropping.
“Uh, sure,” Emma replies, excavating herself from me. “Lead the way.”
“Wait,” I stop her as she turns to leave. “You left your bag in the car.” I pull out cash and a card and hand them over to her. I can tell she doesn’t like it, but she reluctantly accepts.
It’s still all hers, anyway. Well, it’s ours.
“I can see why Dad likes her so much,” Matt says, watching her walk away.
“Yeah. Me too.”
As promised, everyone is allowed to visit Connie in rotations.
Matt and Britain go first. Then Niko and Max. Silas doesn’t count as a visitor, so he’s already been back several times. And then it’s mine and Emma’s turn.
I hold the door open for her, and she steps into the dim space.
His eyes are closed, but I don’t think he’s asleep.
“Hi, Connie,” Emma stands beside the bed, taking his hand in hers.
“Sweetheart, you came.”
“If you told me sooner, I would have been here earlier,” she chides him. He opens his eyes slowly, to look at her.
“Didn’t want you worrying about me. How’s school?” What the fuck? “Take a seat,” he pats the bed gently. She perches on the edge, giving him plenty of space.
“It’s good. NYU is a bit different than FSU, no surprise there. But it’s a good different. I miss our lunch dates, though.” Should I be concerned that Connie has more game with my wife than me?
“I miss them too,” he closes his eyes again. Probably exhausted. Emma realizes it, too.
“I’m going to give you two some privacy, okay?” she whispers, giving me a pat on the arm as she walks out. I wait two seconds before starting.
“You texted her you were having surgery? This morning?” I watch him smile.
“The second I saw Jess was here, I sent a message.” Fucking meddler. Though I’m grateful for it. I need her here. To just make everything feel okay.
“Well, thank you,” I say, taking his hand in mine. I pull a chair closer, then take a seat. “I didn’t know what I had…”
Connie hums, “Isn’t that the truth, son. But now that you know…”
“I know,” I answer back. “I know.” He squeezes my hand.
“I just need all my kids to be okay, then…” Then what?
“Shut up, Connie. This lot will never be okay,” I tease him, ignoring whatever it is he would have said. “Go to sleep. We’ll be back in the morning, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” he waves his free hand at me. “Go, take your wife to dinner or something. Don’t waste it sitting at a hospital with me.” I chuckle.
“If you insist,” I squeeze his hand once more and get up to leave.
“Hey,” he says, stopping me. “She likes the Italian place on West. It’s close to the house, too.” I shake my head but take his word for it.
“Love you, Connie.”
“Love you too, kiddo.”