Date Thursday 9 March Time 11.20pm
My thoughts and reflections:
I’m actually going to take a little break from writing in here because I think I may be inadvertently manifesting incorrectly. Sometimes I get what I want and it’s easy, but sometimes, I get what I want and it turns out I don’t want it after all, or at least not quite like that.
You know how I wanted a free holiday? Well, this evening, I went into the kitchen and Aziz and Astrid were mid-argument, and Aziz said, ‘No, it’s not an ultimatum but I think I have reached my threshold – we need time together, on our own .’
And Astrid, said, ‘Fine,’ in the same way someone might say ‘fuck you’, so I turned straight around to get out of there but then Astrid saw me and said, ‘I’ve got an idea. Alice?’
I halted and said, ‘Yes?’
And Astrid said, ‘Do you still fancy a holiday?’
‘Why… ?’
Then Aziz said, in a low voice, ‘Astrid, are you really going to do this?’
And Astrid said, ‘What? See if my younger sister fancies a holiday? Surely you can’t have a problem with that?’
‘I have a problem with your avoidance, Astrid.’
And Astrid ignored him. ‘Guess what, Alice?! Aziz has booked us a little trip and we’d love for you to come too. Have a look!’
Then she turned round the iPad and it was the ski resort that Chloe had been to. The exact same one in Verbier .
‘We’re paying of course,’ said Astrid. ‘In fact all expenses paid. Isn’t that right, Aziz?’
I didn’t even dare to look at Aziz. I just said, ‘Erm, sounds amazing, but I think I’m busy actually… ’
‘Don’t go,’ called Astrid, as I hastily backed out. ‘See what you’ve done, Aziz?’
And then I spent the rest of the night in my room listening to the muffled sound of Astrid’s raised voice, and then the front door slamming, and then silence. I think the silence was worse.
I am letting go of:
Thinking about the fact that technically I’ve just turned down the free holiday I manifested.
Trying to understand Astrid.