43. Will
43
Will
I hold two sacks from the Jade Palace in my left hand, while knocking on Alice’s door with my right. My heart thumps in my chest. It reverberates in my ears and makes the pulse at my neck wallop like a punch.
Alice opens her door, and I plaster on a wide, fake grin. One she isn’t buying. Her pale blonde hair is pulled to the side, a hair tie holding it together over her right shoulder. She’s in sweatpants and a pink Coeur d’Alene T-shirt. It’s frayed at the bottom and short, showing off a sliver of her midriff.
“How’d our meeting finish out?”
It doesn’t surprise me that she’d ask. Her work is important to her. She’s never left a meeting early.
“You didn’t miss a thing,” I tell her. “They were too busy discussing why I took you for a ride on your office chair.”
She nods, her brows raising. “What did you say?”
“I didn’t really have to say anything. They talked, speculated, and I listened. When they asked where you’d gone, I said you weren’t feeling well.”
“That’s true,” she says.
I bite my inner cheek. “I know.”
I walk our food into her kitchen and spread enough Chinese food out for our entire marketing team. I wasn’t sure what she liked, so I got a variety.
She hands me a plate and we dish our food in silence. Has Alice ever been so quiet?
We sit on her thin futon, but my stomach isn’t quite ready for food. “Are we going to be okay?” I ask.
She scoops a forkful of chop suey but pauses before taking a bite. “I made a list of everything you’ve lied about.”
“Oh,” I say, busting my wooden chopsticks in half. I am ready to grovel. “That doesn’t sound promising.”
Alice sets her meal on the coffee table in front of her and pulls a piece of notebook paper from her pocket.
“Okay, we’re doing this. I can take it,” I say. I deserve a list. “I mean, I’m fairly aware of when I stretch the truth.”
“I’m not sure that you are,” she says. She’s serious. And because I seriously love the woman, I keep my mouth shut.
By some miracle, Alice knows the truth and she hasn’t locked me out of her life forever. Yet . I need to take one step at a time rather than attempting to jump to the end of this road. It may be a long one, but she’s still on it. She’s still here with me. I’m simply grateful for that.
“Ready?” she says, her glassy eyes flicking from her notebook page to my face.
I swallow—I’m not. Who is ever ready to hear everything they’ve ever done wrong? This is somehow so much worse than the circus. The woman I love has a piece of paper that reads all of the ways I’ve broken her heart.
“Ready,” I say.
“Number one.” Her eyes fix on me. “Your name.”
My throat burns. “Half lie,” I say—what a horrible defense.
“William Baxter—not Henley.”
“Henley was my grandmother’s maiden name.” My mouth is dry, and I take a small swig of water.
“Do you go by Will or Billy?”
I clear my throat. “Billy as a kid. Will now. Though—I’ve kept Billy for…” I tilt my head. “Billy.”
She leans in an inch as if to tell me a secret. “You’re the same person,” she says.
I nod. My strategy is to say as little as possible. I’m not sure more talking will save me here.
“So, you lied about your last name.” She rests the page in her lap, looking at me. “Because Being Billy Baxter was painful. Because you are ashamed of your past and it was easier to hide from it. To literally not be that person.”
My pulse thrums with discomfort. I’d love to refute what she’s saying. Can’t there be another reason? I’ve told myself there is. Billy was a dunce—I’m not him. But the truth is out, and I won’t lie to her anymore.
“Number two, your money.” She squints. “You have SO much more money than I thought. I knew you were doing well, but Will.” She puffs out her cheeks. “Do you have any idea how much a billion—with a B—is?”
I fold my lips in on one another. “I do.”
“You lied about the money because you didn’t want to be associated with it. You’ve donated and invested and helped so many people without taking credit for any of it.”
I shake my head a little—okay, this isn’t right either. “Don’t make me a martyr, Alice. We both know I’m not a hero.”
Alice doesn’t argue or defend. She turns back to her list. “Number three, you gave me that bed—not Billy. Was it actually a bonus?”
I open my mouth too fast. “It was. I always get the team something. Usually cash or a gift card, but this time a bed felt right.” I clamp my jaw shut, remembering my plan—stay as quiet as possible.
“So, you lied about who my bed was from. You gave Billy the credit because you wanted me to have it, but you wanted to keep the boundary between you and Billy?”
I peer down, my silent confirmation.
“Number four?—”
I sigh. How long is this list?
“The clothes. Number five, the game. Again, neither is from Billy. I didn’t need clothes. I didn’t need to go to a game. Why?”
“Because I wanted to spend time with you.” I clear my throat. “I wanted to pay for it all. So, I made it a gift from Billy.”
Her brows lift. “A little cowardly?—”
“Not cowardly.” I really dislike that word.
“A little, Will. You could have asked me out in Denver. You could have taken me to the boutique and the game. As you. But you fell back on Billy. You use him as much as you detach from him.”
Her words are like a punch. I peer down at my untouched meal. “You’re right.” Why hadn’t I asked her out in Denver? I’d wanted to. I wanted every second of time I could get with her.
“And number six?—”
“Really—only six?” My brows cinch, and with the glower she gives me, I snap my mouth shut.
“Lie number six, every single time you say Billy as if he isn’t you.”
I nod but return to my no-talking strategy.
“Because it’s easier for you to separate yourself from that kid who lost his parents. From that teen who had no one. From the man without family or friends.”
Ouch . This woman. Does she purposely cut me to the core?
She leans back into her futon, crosses her arms over her chest, and sighs. She’s tired. Almost as tired as I am. “How didn’t I see it before?” She speaks more to herself than to me.
Mustering my bravery, I reach out a hand and take hers from her tight fold. “No one sees it.”
Alice’s eyes flutter open, and she looks at me. “I’m not no one.”
I peer at her face—her full lips, her deep blue eyes, her pretty cheekbones. “That’s very true.” I scoot closer, needing to be near her.
Alice Taylor keeps surprising me. This isn’t how I thought this conversation would go. She’s making me brave—even as she calls me cowardly. I wrap an arm around her and wait, but she doesn’t resist me. She doesn’t push me away.
She nestles into my embrace.
I lean into her, my lips and nose against her hair, breathing her in, holding on to every moment as if it may be my last. “I need you, Alice.”
She tilts her head, peering up at me. “Clearly. You’re a hot mess, Will Baxter.”