Chapter 47
He wasn't anywhere.
I flopped down on the bed, grabbed a pillow, and screamed into it. Where was he hiding?
After 'saving' the Emperor from his own training regime, I had put aside my hunt for Zale. I figured he would find me in that training room eventually.
He did not.
There wasn't a single sign of him.
After I spent what felt like several hours training with different types of guns, I did another round of the ship looking for him before heading back to my quarters.
Zale was nowhere.
I had resumed my search this morning.
I wandered around the ship for hours. My legs hurt from walking.
This was getting ridiculous.
Where was he?
He had to be actively avoiding me.
The only way I could have missed seeing him on this ship was if he was paying attention to where I was on it and making sure to avoid me.
There was the slight subtle noise of the doors triggering, something I had gotten used to, except it wasn’t coming from the normal entry. It came from the far side of the room, from the large double doors I hadn’t been able to get opened.
The large double doors slid open.
They had remained shut the entire time I'd been in this room. I had spent some time trying to find out what was on the other side, but they wouldn't open for me, and the steward wouldn't answer my questions about them at all, so to have them open now caught my full attention.
I propped myself up on my elbows, staring.
There he was.
Zale walked through the double doors, his jet-black fur catching the light with an almost metallic shine. My breath caught in my chest as I saw his face. I hadn't seen them side by side, but he looked so much like the Emperor it was uncanny.
But he was just an errand boy.
What the fuck was he doing walking into the Emperor's private bedroom like he belonged there?
Zale's eyes softened as he saw me sprawled out on the bed.
He looked exhausted. I sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed, and rose to my feet, dragging my translator with me.
He walked towards me as I stood, gripping the device like a lifeline, my heart pounding in my chest with every step he took.
Questions raced through my mind, piling on top of one another as I stood there, frozen in the moment that I had remained so far out of reach until now.
Why had he left me? Why had he hid from me?
Why did he decide he didn't want me anymore?
That question was the worst.
It burned in the edges of my mind every night, labeling his behavior from what I had experienced with human men, experiences that rose like bile in my stomach, forcing me to face something I utterly despised.
Maybe he didn't want me because I slept with him too quickly.
He stopped suddenly, just out of reach.
"Lorelei," he said, his voice husky.
I stared at him.
He looked so much like the Emperor.
I had thought that when I'd first seen the Emperor, and he had told me he had body doubles. But it wasn't just a look. He sounded like him, too.
Zale moved like him.
The way he said my name was the same.
Realization dawned on me like a forest fire, burning away the new growth of affection that had been budding.
What if he wasn't a double?
What if he had misled me?
I hadn't seen both of them in the same place, and hair dye was definitely a thing.
I blinked.
Why do that, though? It didn't make any sense.
If the Emperor and Zale were the same person, why wouldn't he just tell me that the moment he realized I thought they were different people?
He stood there, looking at me as I stared at him, not saying anything.
The silence was heavy and full of shit.
He was clearly waiting for something from me.
I took a shuddering breath and lifted my translator.
Whether he was the Emperor, Zale, or the same person for both, what I had to say remained the same. If he had been withholding key information this whole time, it changed nothing. I needed to stop keeping my thoughts trapped inside my head.
This alien in front of me, whoever he was, needed to know the situation.
If he was the Emperor play acting as Zale, he needed to know how fucked up everything was in my head so he would know to stop playing mind games and be real.
If he was Zale, just Zale, he needed to know so he could rescue me.
"I'm pregnant," I typed, my emotional wreckage bubbling over. "It's yours."
"I know," Zale replied. “You were scanned back at the palace when your friend was.”
"You know?" The words came out in a shriek, and I threw the translator down on the bed behind me, and he winced. "Why did you leave me then? Why did you throw me to another man and walk away?"
"I didn't leave you," he sang softly. "I'm still here."
"Hiding from me on a spaceship isn't the same thing as being with me, and you know it," I said.
"I didn't mean to hide from you," he replied. He flicked his ears in a rueful manner. "Not at first, anyway."
"You didn't mean to hide?" Suddenly, this conversation felt exhausting. He was just responding to what I said. He wasn't telling me anything about why or what. He was just refuting me. "What did you mean to do exactly?"
"I meant to take care of you," he replied. "And that is what I have done."
"You think handing me off to another man like I'm some sort of present you can give away is taking care of me?" I demanded. "What do you think is going to happen to our child when he finds out it isn't his?"
He tilted his head, his brow furrowing in confusion.
"The Emperor would cherish any child," he replied, stepping closer to me. "You and your child are safe."
I backed away, wanting to be near him, but feeling torn. The backs of my legs hit the bed, and I couldn't retreat any further. He was close enough for me to feel the heat of his body. I could reach out and touch him so easily.
I couldn't do that.
"How can you know that?" I said, challenging him to explain himself, to explain anything at all to me.
He reached down and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him.
I didn't resist.
I sighed, melting into the warmth of his touch for a long moment.
Then I put my hands against his chest and pushed.
He let me retreat for a moment, let my chest lean away from his, but there was nowhere for my legs to go. All I could do was lean back.
I tilted my head up to look up at him.
His eyes searched mine.
Then they dropped to my lips.
He leaned down.
Oh, I wanted this. I'd been wound up so tight, left alone and also not. I wanted him, but I was so angry at him for leaving me.
He pressed his lips gently against mine.
I bit him.
He jerked back, but not fast enough to avoid my palm catching the side of his face in a loud slap.
"How dare you!" I snarled.
"You're going to have to be more specific." He rubbed his cheek and took a step back from me, releasing me. I moved forward, stalking towards him, and he retreated backward, facing me as we moved across the room as if we were dancing.
"You ditch me with barely a word, avoid me when we're on the same ship, and then show up in the Emperor's BEDROOM to try to kiss me?
" My voice rose, my frustration pouring into my vocal volume like a river rapidly running out of control.
"I'm with the Emperor now, as I'm sure you're very aware.
I gave him my word. I'm not going to cheat on him.
But I also have been turning away his advances because of how we left things.
This has been hard for me. You put me in an impossible position! "
"I…" Zale glanced down at his own arm, catching sight of the fur on the back of it. His eyes widened as if he had forgotten it was there. Then his eyes narrowed as he looked back at me. "You didn't turn away all his advances."
"He crawled into my bed at night, and I thought he was you," I snapped, the pain of those words sharp and twisted.
"It didn't take you long to decide to be the Emperor's mate," Zale replied. "The promise of wealth was more enticing than anything between us?"
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." I realized he might not understand the culturally specific idiom after I said it. "You disappeared!"
"I thought you wanted me for me," he said, his tone dark.
"You abandoned me! I'm an alien in a culture I don't know, with no resources or knowledge.
I thought you were amazing. You're the best man I've ever met.
I wanted to spend every moment getting to know you.
Something you would know if you had tried a little bit harder to talk to me!
" I waved my arms to emphasize my words.
"One 'we need to talk,' and then you vanish on me?
Why did you do that? Do I mean that little to you? What did you even want to talk about?"
My voice cracked on that last question.
"I didn't…" he started to say, hesitating on the words like they were a boulder he had to push up a steep hill. "You mean everything to me."
"Then why did you vanish on me?" I demanded. "Why did you leave me to let another man crawl into my bed?"
The words felt like dark sludge dripping from my mouth.
I hated them.
I hated the truth of them.
I hated them for the weight they left in my heart, the combination of the healing wounds of my past and the loss and anger of the present.
I hated myself for not knowing the difference between the two men in the dark.
I hated that Zale hadn't been there.
Most of all, I hated how good it had been.
And that I didn't hate the Emperor for it.
"I didn't…" Zale repeated. "This isn't what you think it is."
He stopped retreating, and I froze, standing close but just out of reach again, my hands clenched into fists. His eyes were wide and huge and his ears were pointed forward at me. His tail reached out in between us to brush at my ankle.
"I love you more than anything in this Universe," he sang softly. "And I have been an idiot."
His words tumbled against the jumbled mess of emotions in my mind.
He loved me.
Those words were a dagger to my heart.