Farr’vye
I tried to remain calm, but it was difficult. The object of my desire was right in front of me, and I had him all to myself tonight. In my mind raced comparisons of myself to a ravenous beast ordered not to devour the delicious fruit dangling in front of my mouth.
But my desire was secondary to his safety. The most important thing was to find a secure location for us to sleep for the night. Although I doubted I would get much rest with his prone body next to me.
Since I was familiar with the land, I brought him to a secluded nook below a grassy overhang, where a natural curve provided a barrier on most sides. It offered protection from the cool night air—that is, if being pressed close to my body was not warm enough.
“Except me,” I pointed out.
“R-right.”
“And Kookee.”
He snorted, a brief sound of amusement. The furry Pandar would have to remain with us for the night since I could not leave Assistant 23 alone in the wilderness, and he did not want anyone in the village to see his torn-up suit.
Only I had that privilege.
Kookee huffed, then hunkered down. It was tired from its adventure.
I knew Assistant 23 must also be fatigued. But selfishly, I did not want him to fall asleep yet. I wanted to spend more time with him.
“Um…” The human rubbed his arms. As the sleeves moved up and down with the motion, I caught another tantalizing glimpse of his pale skin through the holes in the fabric. “I can’t do it. I know my suit is falling apart, but I can’t take it off yet, not tonight.”
A tightness in his voice indicated frayed nerves and fear. My flash of disappointment was overpowered by my sympathy.
“I understand. Do whatever you prefer.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Why would I be mad?” I asked, my feelers flashing with shock.
“S-sorry. I dunno, forget I said anything.”
He got on the ground beneath the overhang and curled up in a ball, like a spooked pill insectoid trying to escape the conversation.
I ignored the urge to press my body flush against his.
“Would you like me to stay awake and keep watch?” I offered.
He turned his face toward me. Moonlight caught in the cracks in the shield, splintering into an array of white shards, and he looked beautiful.
“N-no, I can’t ask you to do that,” he said. “Besides, aren’t you tired?”
Again, he thought of me. My fondness for him swelled.
“I am many things, and tired is not one of them,” I replied.
Perhaps I implied too much. But I could not help myself. Or, more honestly, I did not want to hold back my feelings for him. I wished for him to catch on, so he could do with my emotions as he wished.
Assistant 23 let out a small sound, then paused to take a long breath. “Um… Farr’vye?”
“Yes.”
He was quiet again as if cobbling the right words together. Eventually, they spilled out in a big, frustrated language glob. “Ugh, it’s weirder if you stand there staring at me all night, so can you just… I dunno, come lay down beside me or something?”
My heart felt close to bursting.
I took his invitation and draped my longer, larger body near his back, so I was not face-to-face with him. I kept my mane of feelers pressed down, and I was glad he could not see them pulsing uncontrollably in frenzied patterns and colors.
He was small. So unbearably small.
I wanted to put my arms around him. I struggled not to give in to the urge.
Assistant 23 released a thin, shuddering exhale. “That’s better. Sort of.”
“Do I frighten you?”
“No,” he said quickly. “It’s not you. I’m. Weird.”
“And I am creepy.”
A laugh escaped him. “Yeah, you are, but… it’s okay.”
I stared at the narrow frame of his back, mesmerized by the shallow way it rose and fell with his breathing.
“I don’t do this a lot,” Assistant 23 said quietly. “Sleeping next to people. In fact, I kinda hate it.”
“Shall I leave?”
“Sorry, I meant… I hate it most of the time. But I don’t hate this.”
A surge of heat flowed through my body. How badly I wanted to grab him and pull him closer. Did I radiate the urge? Did he know? Or were humans impervious to that sort of intangible feeling?
“I want to know more about you,” I stated.
Assistant 23 tensed. “You mean about humans,” he attempted to clarify.
“No. You.”
He stiffened even more, going as still as a rock.
“Why are you so obsessed with me?” he asked, breathless and laughing with a hint of anxiety.
I did not expect his forthright demand. I took a moment to piece together my answer.
Assistant 23 lived in a Maeleon society. He understood our basic culture. Therefore, I could have given him the most obvious answer—that he was my filum.
But I did not know if that was the case. There was no outcome that would change how I felt about him.
The truth was that I had been obsessed with him since I first laid eyes on him. Over the course of moons, it flourished within me. His ignorance of my fixation did nothing to temper my desire. It only made me want him more.
But in the past, I had been scolded for such obsessions. I had been asked not to fixate. And so, I tried and succeeded.
Until now.
Until him.
“Farr’vye?”
Assistant 23 half-rolled over, his body twisting to meet my gaze, although I could only imagine what his eyes looked like.
“I was thinking,” I told him.
He sounded a bit amused. “I didn’t know it was an essay question.”
To hear him tease me made my chest stir. Had he already grown so comfortable in my presence?
My desire pulsated like a living thing. I took a risk.
“Would you prefer,” I began, “an answer that is simple to digest—or the truth?”
Assistant 23 paused and went quiet.
“Um,” he warbled. “Should I be afraid of the truth?”
A smile stretched across my face. That was a good sign. He had asked, instead of rushing straight to fear.
“No,” I said. “But I have been taught to shelter it.”
Assistant 23 made a small sound of confusion. He twisted all the way around so that his chest faced mine. His thin shoulder came halfway up my body, reaching the midpoint of my collarbone. The other humans were not so delicate. He was unique. He was… special.
“Wait a second, I’m confused,” he said. “Aren’t Maeleons honest about their feelings? Why can’t you be?”
I stared into his tinted face shield. My imagination ran wild wondering what he looked like. So close, yet imperceptible.
“You said it best when you called me creepy,” I stated. “In my youth, my actions were… undesirable.”
“Your youth? Aren’t you the same age as Zat’tor and the others?”
“No. I am much older. But I could not expect you to know that.”
“Y-you are?” The squeak in his voice reminded me of a cute small creature. “How, um… how old are you?”
There was no point in obfuscating the facts.
“I am too old to breed,” I admitted. “Maeleons of my age cannot pollinate others anymore.”
Something in the gentle way Assistant 23’s shoulders rose and fell with his breathing made him seem relieved.
“Um. That’s interesting,” he said, and it sounded genuine. “Can I ask a nosy question?”
“Always. I enjoy your nosy questions.”
He shuffled. “Is that also considered… undesirable? In a Maeleon?”
“Not necessarily. But I am. Due to the aforementioned creepiness.”
Another breathy laugh escaped Assistant 23. “Okay, seriously? You’re not that creepy. I was mostly joking.”
I could not remove the smile from my face as I watched him. “That is kind of you. But I was not joking.”
He shuffled again as if shifting to get comfortable in the tattered suit.
“What about your, um, actions?” he asked. “What do you mean by that? Did you act like Kur’tok? Throwing fits and running around angry all the time?”
I was not surprised that he brought up my rude and rebellious red sibling. As far as badly behaving Maeleons went, he was far up on that list.
I spoke slowly and deliberately, curious whether the language-loving human would pick up on what I was not saying.
“The difference between Kur’tok and I… is that he has been tamed.”
Assistant 23’s breath hitched. “But… you haven’t?”
“That is correct.”
“But you’re not angry, and you don’t throw temper tantrums,” he pointed out. “Actually, you seem really calm and put-together.”
He was sweet. But he was not understanding. Before this went any further, he needed to know.
I pushed myself off the ground, sitting upright at the waist. It made Assistant 23 look even smaller.
“When I was a youngling,” I said, staring down at him without blinking, “I became obsessed with a type of creature. A Ripgrass.”
Assistant 23 angled his head. “What is that?”
“A small, furry herbivorous creature.”
“Like... a rabbit?” He held up two fingers above his head to indicate a pair of long ears. The gesture charmed me.
“Yes, I assume they are similar enough.”
“Aw. That's cute.” There was still gentleness in his voice, for he did not know what was coming.
To say I found them fascinating would be an understatement. They became all I could think about. I did not eat or sleep. Every waking moment, I thought about them obsessively.”
"Okay," he said, still on board.
“It grew to a point where I could not tolerate it. I needed to know everything, or I would lose my sanity.”
The human went still and quiet as he continued to listen. How I wished to see his expression—though perhaps it would make this conversation more difficult.
“One morning, I woke up determined to sate my curiosity. I went out and caught a Ripgrass with my bare hands. Unfortunately, I was ignorant. I did not hold back my strength. In my excitement, I squeezed the creature too hard and ended its life.”
“Oh,” Assistant 23 said sympathetically. “Were you sad?”
It took a moment to admit the next part. “No. I was happy it had stopped squirming so I could examine it properly.”
“A-ah.” I heard him swallow behind the face shield. “And… then what?”
“I opened it up and took it apart. Limb from limb, down to the tiniest bone, until my curiosity was finally satisfied. Until the obsession pounding in my head quieted down.”
Assistant 23 breathed faster. I knew my revelation had frightened him. The incident was difficult to admit, but he needed to know my true nature before he slept beside me tonight. Even if it meant potentially losing him. I did not want our relationship to be built on a lie by omission.
“And how did you feel after?” Assistant 23 asked in a rasp.
His question surprised me. I expected to be scolded as I always had been.
“I had many feelings,” I murmured. “The loudest was regret that I killed the object of my obsession. It was not my intention to harm the creature. But beyond that, there was deep relief and satisfaction. It almost felt like…”
I dropped my gaze to my hand, my palm against the ground, holding me upright. As my fingers curled into a fist, my claws scored the dirt in five neat rows.
“Like release,” I admitted.
Assistant 23 swallowed audibly again. I wondered how fast his frightened heart was beating. It was a shame. He had only just calmed down enough to lie next to me, and now he would turn his back on me. But I did not want to hide the truth from him, and this was the price of my honesty.
Suddenly, Assistant 23 got to his feet.
“I’m sorry. I need a second,” he said quickly. “I’ll be right back.”
Accepting his instinct to run, I remained on the ground. It was unfortunate that he felt the need to lie, but I understood why he did it. I had shattered our fragile peace with my awkward confession.
“I will be here,” I promised.
His reply was a brisk nod before dashing out of the overhang’s shadow and out of my sight. I heard him scramble up the edge of the grassy ledge, where I assumed he would seek out the village and run straight home.
Away from me.