CHAPTER 19 #2
Reese nodded thoughtfully. “Finley’s the one that kissed you on stage last night, right?
” The question came out noncommittally but Jette could see right through the thinly veiled facade.
Jette paused before agreeing. Her voice hitched at the end in uncertainty.
“Kind of a weird thing for your boss to do.” Reese’s razor sharp tone made Jette exhale in disbelief.
“Oh my god, it’s not at all like that. That’s their thing, you know. The whole band is like that,” Jette was surprised by how breathy her voice came across. “We’re all just friends,” she landed on as she racked her brain for something else to say.
Reese exhaled sharply through her nose in a half-formed laugh.
She lolled her head to the side and Jette noticed a splotchy flush of pink spreading across her cheeks.
Reese looked at her and gave an unconvincing smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Friends don’t kiss each other like that,” she said plainly.
She slid out of bed and hunched over, grabbing her belongings off the floor.
Jette laughed without humor. “Don’t they?
” she challenged, jutting her chin in the direction of Reese’s clothes scattered at the foot of the bed.
The words came out harsher than she intended, but the acrid taste in her mouth coated each syllable on the way out.
The hurt feelings that Jette had spent the morning swallowing began to claw their way up her throat.
Reese’s mouth fell open slightly as she whipped around. She shoved her shirt overhead and responded, “That’s different.” Her voice was evenly measured.
“What is?” Jette asked bluntly.
“This. You and I are different.”
“Really? Because you seem pretty jealous for someone with a boyfriend.” The words left Jette’s mouth in a huff. Immediately, she regretted them.
“That’s not fair,” Reese defended.
“Why not?” Jette’s voice softened. It wasn’t anger that filled her voice now, it was pain.
It seeped into her words like a steady rain.
“I mean, fuck, what’re we doing here, Reese?
” Jette chewed on her lip. She didn’t need to hear a reply to know the answer.
A dull ache settled deep in her chest, but she was tempted to push harder.
To try and drive the pain out. Jette paused and debated whether or not she could bear to repeat her question from earlier.
Reese let out an exasperated sigh and pulled her red locks into a ponytail.
The quick movement highlighted the dark pink mouth-shaped bruise on the side of her neck and fuck, if that didn’t make Jette’s mouth water.
Jette pushed the thought from her mind and her tongue pressed against her teeth so firmly she was surprised she didn’t taste blood.
Reese covered her face with her hands and took a deep breath. “We’re—” the words seemed to stick in her throat as she tried to push them out. “I don’t know, Jette,” she mustered.
“I think we can both agree that we passed ‘friends’ a long time ago,” Jette replied brusquely.
Her carefully maintained demeanor began to slip as she met Reese’s eyes.
Every fleeting thought that she had kept at arm's length came hurtling back. The morning suddenly felt more significant than she had expected. If there was ever a time to lay it all out on the table, it was now. Jette was tired of biting her tongue. And as she glanced at the clock ticking away on the nightstand, she knew she didn’t have the luxury of time anymore. She took a breath and let it all out.
“This,” she gestured between the two of them, “Is something more than that. I knew it the moment I met you.” Her voice held firm as the nerves in her chest buzzed with adrenaline.
Reese avoided her gaze, opting to watch her fingers fidgeting instead.
Jette waited for those green eyes to make their way back to her.
She needed to see them. Needed to know that Reese heard, or felt, everything she desperately needed to say.
After a painfully long pause, Reese sniffed and looked up, her eyes an even brighter shade of emerald than before.
“I was happy to just be your friend. I wanted that if that’s what you wanted.
I was totally fine to be there for you when Kiran fucked around—”
Reese’s eyes tightened, clearly upset. “That’s not fair,” she interjected.
Jette continued without hesitation, “But you kissed me, remember?” Her lips trembled.
The woman in front of her slumped on the edge of the bed, never breaking eye contact as the dam broke and Jette unleashed everything that had been built up.
“You were the one to push me up against the wall and kiss me stupid before completely vanishing. I mean, fuck, talk about emotional whiplash.” Her breathing hitched as her head reeled from the honesty.
“And then the other night? When you put your hand on my knee and told me that you and Kiran weren’t together?
” Jette stifled the way her chest heaved at the memory.
“And last night, we—I,” her voice caught painfully. “God, I feel stupid,” she admitted.
Reese shook her head. “Please don’t, Jette.
You’re not stupid.” Her quiet voice shook.
“I mean—” she cut herself off again, struggling to find the words.
She swore under her breath before continuing.
“I thought about you everyday, Jette. I don’t think I even realized how much I wanted to kiss you until I did.
I didn’t think. I just,” her voice trailed off again and Jette’s stomach twisted like she never thought possible.
Her lips twitched as she opened her mouth to speak but Reese continued in a fluid stream of consciousness.
“Kissing you was everything I could’ve imagined.
I tried not to but I—I thought about it every fucking day.
I know it’s wrong, but that’s the truth.
And now I’ve had this pit of guilt in my stomach for weeks—fuck, months—if I’m really being honest.” Reese looked up, her cheeks streaked with errant tears that continued to fall.
She looked utterly wrecked and Jette could feel every cell of her body instinctively reaching out for the woman in front of her.
She wanted to wrap her arms around her and hold her to her chest, the same way they’d fallen asleep.
But Reese wiped her cheeks and crossed her arms before Jette could move.
“It’s just that we’ve been through a lot, me and Kiran.
We’ve been together for three years…that kind of thing doesn’t just end all at once. ”
Just like that, Jette’s mouth snapped shut.
This wasn’t the turn she had been expecting.
It felt as though the rug was being pulled out from under her feet as Reese gave the final blow.
“Especially when I’m the bad person in this situation.
He hasn’t done anything wrong.” Jette felt dizzy.
Not in a heart-eyes type of way, but in a I-cannot-fucking-believe-this-is-happening type of way.
The raw unfiltered honesty punched a hole in her chest. She firmly set her jaw and nodded, struggling to breath normally.
“‘He hasn’t done anything wrong?’” Jette felt her voice threaten to crack as she repeated the words. “I’m sorry, but he hasn’t really done much right either.”
“That’s not true.”
“He doesn’t treat you the way you deserve.”
“You don’t even know him!”
“I know you,” Jette shot back. The butterflies in her stomach were oblivious to the anger and hurt that simmered lower.
Unspoken words filled her mouth, tangling on her tongue as she stood unable to focus on anything except the movement in her chest, the only clue that she was still breathing.
“I know you, Reese,” her voice broke. “I know you the same way I know myself.” Jette paused to catch her labored breath.
“You shouldn’t have to settle for the bare fucking minimum.
Not when you deserve so much more than that.
” Reese must’ve seen the emotions that flashed across Jette’s face because the shock seemed to have left her speechless.
“Can you please say something?” Jette asked quietly as the silence hung uncomfortably.
The butterflies stilled as her disbelief boiled over and hot tears threatened to spill down Jette’s cheeks as Reese shook her head.
What had she been thinking? Every moment of hesitation since the beginning came streaming to the front of her mind. She really thought this was different. That she and Reese were different. But here she stood, heartbroken over someone that was never hers to begin with.
Jette held her breath, counting down from ten until the urge to sob passed.
It felt like her chest was caving in, but she could at least keep it together until she was alone.
She didn’t need anyone to see her cry. Especially Reese.
Especially now. Reese’s voice was muffled as the ringing in her ears echoed deafeningly. She couldn’t hear a single word.
“Don’t worry about it,” Jette stammered finally.
She glanced around the room, catching sight of the rest of her belongings scattered around haphazardly.
Jette firmly planted herself in distraction-mode as she bent over to stuff the last of her clothes into the open suitcase.
She couldn’t bear to look Reese in the eyes right now.
“What do you mean?” Reese asked.
Jette waved it off. “Don’t worry about it,” she repeated, her voice steadier now.
“This,” she gestured at the unmade bed between them.
“Really, it’s okay,” she sniffed loudly and the sound seemed to trigger the tears lining her lids.
“It’s not a big deal,” she lied. A single hot tear betrayed her by rolling down her nose and landing on her hand. She wiped it away in an instant.
“Jette,” Reese said thickly. Jette was now preoccupied with pulling her boots on, still unable to meet Reese’s gaze.
“‘What happens in Vegas’, right?” Jette choked out with a bitter laugh. The words tumbled out of her mouth and she honestly didn’t know what she hoped to hear back. The burning feeling in her lungs only grew hotter as she swallowed a shudder that crept up her chest.
“Jette, that’s not what this was.”
Jette took a shaky breath and crossed to the bathroom in a couple strides, brushing past Reese’s shoulders in the process.
“I gotta get going,” she explained through the wall as she swept her toiletries off the counter and into the bag hanging from her elbow.
“I have to meet everyone downstairs in a few minutes,” she added as she swung around the corner.
Reese was still standing in place, her bottom lip pulled between tiny perfect teeth.
The mostly empty room felt too crowded as Jette’s dark eyes met Reese’s.
The usual flutter in her chest was replaced with a sinking feeling.
Seeing the hurt in Reese’s eyes mirrored back to her was more painful than she expected.
Reese swept her hands over the bags under her eyes. “Is this,” she paused, “Is this goodbye then?” Her voice sounded strained, like she was holding back tears of her own.
Jette’s face twitched infinitesimally. The word felt heavy. She shrugged her shoulders as she zipped the bag at her feet. With her head down, Jette nodded. “I think that’s for the best,” she finally said aloud.
“Can we please talk about this? I don’t want to lose you.” Reese sounded more desperate this time.
Jette’s shoulders shot up to her ears as the walls that she’d carefully built came crashing down.
The ticking of the clock echoed like a soundtrack counting down the minutes until she had to leave.
Steeling herself, Jette finally admitted, “I don’t think I can do that, Reese.
I can’t be the person to help you figure this out.
” She had already been that person for Reese.
Whether it was issues with her family, or job, or derby, or Kiran, Jette let herself get roped in.
She had given Reese a shoulder to cry on, a couch to sleep on, a friend—even in her mind, the word felt weak—to count on.
“I don’t think I can see you with Kiran and picture your arm around my waist instead of his.
I can’t listen to you defend him all while knowing he won’t treat you the way you deserve.
” She pulled her suitcase upright and swiped her jacket off the counter before tossing it over her shoulders.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can be your friend after knowing what it feels like to fall asleep holding you.
Or what your lips taste like in the morning.
And more than that, I can’t be the one making you feel better every time he fucks off with his friends and leaves you by yourself.
” Reese’s eyes welled with tears as Jette moved closer to the door.
“Not when I want to be the one that makes you happy,” she admitted.
She didn’t trust herself to look at Reese and not cave.
“And I’m not about to try and convince you to pick me.
Because I like to think I deserve more than that, too. ”
Jette was surprised to catch a hurried glimpse of Reese a fraction of a moment before they collided.
Her eyes slammed shut as Reese tightly gripped the back of her jacket, her breathing hot and uneven on her neck.
The way Reese clung to her made her heart ache, but she desperately needed to put space between them before the rest of the words rattling around her mind had the chance to escape.
“I don't want to lose you,” Reese murmured.
Jette faintly nodded against her cheek, the soft skin now slightly gritty from the salt that lingered on the surface.
She squeezed her eyes closed. “You need to figure this out on your own,” she said quietly.
Jette would’ve given anything to have a single minute alone to compose herself.
When she released her grip, Jette could see the last few tears sliding down her neck.
Reese remained silent. Unwilling to admit to her part in this and unable to say anything to make it hurt less.
“I have to go,” Jette uttered, letting her hands fall from Reese’s waist before grabbing her things and walking out the door.
Jette couldn’t remember the walk to the lobby or any of the meaningless small talk she exchanged with the rest of the group as they clambered onto the tour bus.
Her mind was completely and totally numb as they pulled out of the hotel, her eyes drifting listlessly out the window.
The large illuminated sign caught her attention as the bus gained speed, mercifully carrying them farther away with each passing second.
‘Drive carefully, Come back soon!’ The words made Jette snort sarcastically. Yeah, not a chance, she thought.