Chapter 24 #2
“I know. I just want to talk to my family about it first. I haven’t had the best experience with police in the past, and I don’t want to get them involved until I talk to them. I—”
“Lola, wake up. You’re having another nightmare.”
I jumped out of my sleep at the sound of East’s voice.
When I fully opened my eyes, I realized I was still in bed with him.
He stared at me with pity in his eyes, and I cringed.
It was the one thing I hated about being a product of so much trauma.
Everyone gave those looks of sympathy, but to me, I felt like they were secretly judging me.
“I’m up.”
“This is your third nightmare since I’ve been here. Are you sure you’re okay?”
My face twisted into a frown because I didn’t like his tone. “What are you trying to say?” Angrily, I sat up in my bed and glared at him.
“Aye, I don’t mean to offend you. I’m worried, that’s all. I know yesterday was triggering for you, but I hate to see you like this and there is nothing I can do. You’ve been dealing with nightmares for years, Lola. Have you ever thought about talking to someone about it?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to say I’m crazy or something?” Anger boiled inside of me, although I was certain it had nothing to do with East and more to do with my own insecurities.
“Whoa. You’re putting words in my mouth. All I’m saying is that therapy could be useful. The type of trauma you’ve been through lingers, and that’s normal. It’s not the kind of thing you sweep under the rug, because even if you try to ignore it, it will never truly go away.
“I promise I would never judge you, baby. I admire the fuck out of you and what you’ve accomplished. I’m also concerned because things like this can have long-lasting effects on your future. I’m talking from experience.”
My brows dipped at the last part of his sentence. “What do you mean? You’ve been to therapy before?”
“Yeah, I have. I didn’t want to in the beginning, but the state didn’t give me much of a choice. When I was a young nigga, I stayed getting into fights, and I would do those niggas dirty. My anger would take over, and I couldn’t control it.
“I can’t even tell you how many people I put in the hospital because I would see red and keep attacking until someone was able to pull me off of them.
I almost killed this nigga one time when he threatened to shoot my granny.
I broke his nose in two places, two ribs, and an arm.
When they arrested me and sent me to juvie, they kept telling me that I was gonna end up in adult jail if I didn’t get my shit together.
“Granny used to cry and pray over me all the time, but that shit never worked. The rage inside of me refused to die down, and all it took was someone to fuck with me, and I went ape shit.”
“Did therapy help you figure out why you were so angry?” I quizzed, listening intently as he told me things about himself I never knew before.
“Yeah, it helped for the most part. A lot of my anger stemmed from my momma leaving me. As a young boy, I couldn’t cry about it, because it made me look weak, so my pain manifested into anger. I was fucked up because she left me and never looked back.”
“What did Granny Nessa say about your mom leaving?”
“Nothing really. She used to make excuses for her and tell me she was young.
I would overhear conversations of them talking to one another, but it was really just my granny begging her to come back and my mom begging for money.
It used to piss me off every time because Granny would send her money via Western Union, and then a couple days later, our lights would be turned off, or the water.
“She would go broke trying to help her daughter when that bitch never did shit for her.
Once I started hustling, it got worse. Granny would ask for money for a bill, and then when the service was disconnected, she would lie or try to come up with an excuse for why they turned our shit off.
My last stint in juvie happened when I was sixteen, and when I got out, I stepped my hustle up.
“I needed more money, and I was tired of struggling. As soon as the money started coming in, I let my granny know she couldn’t give my money to that lady anymore.
Either I was gonna pay the bills in her house, or I was gonna get one of the local junkies to put a crib in their name and pay my own shit.
It took a few months, but she finally understood I meant business. ”
“How long were you in therapy? Do you think it helped?”
“Therapy depends on you. Whatever you put into it is what you’re gonna get out of it.
As a young boy, I was still too embarrassed to acknowledge how much her absence hurt me.
My therapist was a man, and he helped me realize where the root of my anger came from.
He would challenge me to write down my feelings, but I thought it sounded lame.
“It wasn’t until I got older and started writing songs that I realized how therapeutic it was. Sometimes, you might not always be able to communicate what you’re feeling in the moment, but when you sit down and write it out, it gives you more time to think and really organize your thoughts.
“I will never pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do, but I don’t like the idea of that bitch-ass mothafucka having power over your mind.
You’re too strong to allow him to sabotage what you have built for yourself.
If you try it out and don’t like it, then at least you can say you made the effort.
I think you owe it to not only yourself, but to Symphonee too. ”
“Are you saying I’m not good for her?”
“Naw, I would never say anything like that. I think Noodle has played a major role in your healing. Remember when she first started sleeping in her own room? She was afraid of the monsters under her bed, and what did you tell her?”
I gulped, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I told her that she was big and strong, and she needed to face her monsters with courage and strength.” My voice cracked as I wiped my tears.
“I think it’s time for her momma to face her monsters too.”
Butterflies swarmed my belly as he continued to speak life into me. I hated how weak I was for him and the way my heart fluttered when he was in my presence. It was like he possessed a hold over me that I couldn’t seem to shake.
“Damn, somebody is blowing your shit up.” East chuckled as he got up from the bed.
“Why don’t you worry about your own phone and all of the bitches who are blowing it up right now,” I countered, trying to hide the guilty feeling lingering in my chest.
“Don’t try to deflect now. Go ahead and answer the phone for your little boyfriend. It’s bad enough you ignored him all night while you were riding my dick. At least tell him that you’re about to get fucked in the shower and you’ll call him back,” he retorted arrogantly.
“The devil is a liar. I’m not fucking you again.
Last night was nothing more than a weak moment.
I was emotional and needed someone to lean on,” I declared, lying through my teeth.
My pussy pulsed, reminding me of the soreness between my thighs.
Last night, my body betrayed me in the worse way as I came back-to-back like I had been starving for affection for too long.
“You don’t even believe the lies coming from those pretty lips of yours.
Last night, you told me it was still my pussy.
Now you want to sit here and pretend like you’re ashamed.
You must have forgotten that I know you inside and out.
I’ll bet you twenty stacks right now your pussy is wet.
Say I’m lying. I’ll send the money right to your account. ”
I bit down on my bottom lip and crossed my legs with embarrassment all over me. “Fuck you, Essex!”
“I’m trying to. You’re the one sitting over here trying to convince yourself that it’s not what you want. I already knew your relationship was on borrowed time, but now I know for a fact little buddy ain’t knocking those walls loose.”
“Why would you say that?” I hissed, throwing a pillow at him. Of course, his ninja ass ducked it.
“Aye, I’m only speaking facts. Your pussy damn near cut off the circulation in my dick. You might as well have gotten with a stud with a premium strap ’cause he ain’t even tickling your walls.”
I covered my mouth, laughing so hard my stomach started to hurt. “Yeah, it’s time for you to get the fuck out. You’re a little too disrespectful for me.”
“Tell me I’m wrong. If he’s fucking you right and putting dick in your stomach, correct me then,” East challenged, smirking while he stood in front of me with his arms folded.
“I don’t want to discuss my sex life with you.” It was the only response I could give to avoid the question without embarrassing Mendeecees. It was bad enough that I had slipped up with my baby daddy.
“I bet you don’t. Your pussy was spitting up in thirty seconds, so I know you must be putting hella miles on that rose of yours.”
“Go to he—”
“Good morning,” Noodle grumbled in her sleepy voice.
I got on her about opening doors without knocking, but when it came to her daddy, her little ass didn’t give a damn.
“Good morning, daddy’s baby.”
She walked right over to him and held her arms up. Spoiled little girl.
“Did you sleep good?” he asked her.