Eric
Tonight has been… I struggle to find the word to describe how it feels to be back on track after nearly a year in complete hell.
I want to thank Ava, and I want to kiss her, but more than anything, I don’t want to mess this up by acting like a fool.
I’m a lover of live music in any form, and normally, I’m completely absorbed by a show.
But with Ava sitting so close to me, the fragrant scent of her hair filling my senses and her soft skin under my fingertips, I’m distracted rather than absorbed.
I’m trying to remember my plan to keep things casual and not get overly involved, but I can’t deny that something changed during that moment in her building earlier, and I think she’d say the same thing happened to her.
I want to get out of here so I can spend more time with her, but the show doesn’t wrap up until close to one.
“That was amazing,” Ava says in the elevator. “I loved it.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“Didn’t you?”
“It was great. I’ve seen them before. They’re always fantastic.”
I haven’t touched her since we left our seats, and I’m almost afraid to touch her now.
What was so easy and natural a few hours ago is now fraught with implications.
The bubble we’ve been in since those first moments earlier seems to have burst since we left the club.
I have no idea how to play this next part of the evening, and the uncertainty grates on my nerves during the cab ride to Tribeca.
I’d give anything to know what she’s thinking. Has she been as affected by this evening as I have? What happens now?
I never used to have insecurities with women until Brittany gave me reason to doubt myself and my instincts. That’s just another reason to hate her for what she did to me, but I don’t want to think about her, especially not with Ava sitting a foot from me after the wonderful evening we’ve had.
Long before I’m ready, the cab pulls up to Ava’s building.
I pay the driver and go around to help her out of the car.
The second her hand curls around mine, I feel settled again, the way I did in the club.
I’m still thinking about what I want to say to her when she looks up at me. “Do you want to come up for a drink?”
“Sure.” I try to sound casual, but I’m filled with relief to not have to figure out how to end this evening on the right note. Not yet anyway. I follow her into the elevator and then to her apartment.
“I’m not sure if Skylar is home, so we need to be quiet.”
“I can be quiet.”
She smiles at me over her shoulder and opens the door to the dark apartment. After turning on a light, she checks the other bedroom. “She must be pulling another all-nighter.”
“Better her than me.”
“What goes on at that firm of yours that requires attorneys to work all weekend?”
“They’re acquiring a couple of other companies. That might be what it’s about. Nothing to do with me, thank goodness. I haven’t done an all-nighter since college.”
“Me either. I need my sleep. I’m a raving lunatic without it.”
I follow her into the kitchen. “I can’t picture you as a raving lunatic.”
“You haven’t seen me sleep-deprived. It’s not pretty.”
“I can’t imagine you as anything other than pretty.” I curl a length of her gorgeous hair around my finger, and when I shift my gaze from her hair to her face, our eyes meet in a moment of supercharged awareness. “Ava…”
She licks her lips. “Yes?”
It’s been a long time since I asked a woman for permission before I kissed her, but something tells me I need to ask Ava before I take that step. “Would it be okay if, instead of a drink, I kissed you?” I cup her cheek and move my thumb ever so slightly.
She hesitates a second before nodding, but I can see that it costs her something to give her permission.
I proceed with utmost caution, brushing my lips lightly over hers and making sure she’s with me before I do it again.
As she curls her hands around my wrists, I’m not sure if she wants to keep me close or push me away.
Her eyes are closed, so I can’t gain any insight there.
“Ava…”
“Hmm?”
“Look at me.”
She slowly opens her eyes, and I see they’re full of unshed tears that break my heart.
“Sweetheart… We don’t have to… Not if you don’t want to.”
“I want to. Please don’t stop.” Her arms curl around my neck, and she brings me down to her for another kiss. This time, her lips are parted as she kisses me.
The tears have rattled me, but I have a feeling that rejecting her advances would do more harm than good, so I follow her lead and fully participate in the kiss. I slide an arm around her waist to bring her in closer to me.
Her tongue touches my bottom lip, and for a second, I almost forget my plan to be careful with her, to go slowly, to let her set the pace.
She’s so sweet and sexy and timid… The combination of those things is endlessly appealing to me after having been bulldozed by a woman who’s never had a timid moment in her life.
Before things can progress too far, I withdraw from the kiss, even though that’s the last thing I want to do. “My parents are having a party tomorrow. Come with me?”
She seems undone by the sudden change of direction. “Are you sure you’re willing to risk getting your mother’s hopes up?”
“I’m sure you’re worth the risk.” I kiss her again. “I had a great time tonight.”
“I did, too. Thank you for dinner and the show.”
“You’re welcome. Pick you up around noon?”
“What should I wear?”
“It’s casual. Shorts or whatever’s comfortable. And we have a pool, so bring a suit if you want to swim.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“I’ll let you get some sleep.” I reluctantly release her, and she walks me to the door. “Thanks again for tonight.”
“Thank you.”
I kiss her one last time and head down the stairs, my step lighter than it’s been in eight months.
There was a time, not that long ago, when kisses in the kitchen might’ve led to something more in the bedroom.
But with Ava, those chaste kisses feel like a victory for both of us—and right about now, I’ll take the victory.
Ava
I kissed him. I kissed him, and I didn’t fall apart. But my heart… It splintered into a thousand pieces. My chest aches and my stomach is queasy. None of this has anything to do with Eric, who is wonderful and sweet and sexy. He’s everything anyone could want in a man. But he’s not John.
After the lovely evening with Eric, I hate myself for thinking that.
I hate myself for comparing them, for kissing Eric when I’m still in love with John, and mostly I hate John for the impossible mess he made of my life when he let me fall in love with him, knowing he might have to leave the way he did.
I kick off the heels and claw at the dress, wanting it off right now. In the bathroom, I scrub my face free of makeup and brush my teeth.
I can’t do this. I can’t be with someone else when my heart still belongs to John.
I thought I could do it, and I wanted to. I really did. I was all in until he kissed me. Until it got real. Until I remembered the last time a man kissed me, on the way out the door and out of my life.
I break down into grief-stricken sobs, sinking to the floor of the bathroom and curling myself into a tight little ball, arms around my legs, head on my knees. I have no idea how long I’m there, but I’m still there when Skylar comes home and finds me.
“Ava?” She gets right down on the floor with me and puts her hand on my arm. “Are you hurt?”
I’m mortified to be caught in this condition by my new roommate.
I wipe the tears from my face and force myself to look at her.
“I’m…” I was going to tell her I’m okay, but I’m not.
I’m exhausted. But she’s been at work all day and all night, and the last thing she needs is a roommate she barely knows having a breakdown in her bathroom.
“What can I do?” she asks.
I shake my head. There’s nothing anyone can do.
She sits next to me, her shoulder against mine, letting me know she’s willing to wait me out. Her compassion triggers another wave of despair.
“Did someone hurt you?” she asks, her tone gentle.
“No. Nothing like that.” I need to check online to see if the Pentagon has identified the service members who were killed. I haven’t gotten around to checking because I was too busy kissing Eric.
“I know we’ve only just met, but I’m a good listener. All my friends say so.”
I’m not sure why her or why now, but the words come pouring out of me.
I tell her everything. I have no idea if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life by sharing it with her or whether I can trust her not to tell anyone, but I can’t bring myself to care.
The relief at finally, finally telling someone is so overwhelming that it leaves me weak in the aftermath of the word storm I unleash on her.
“Ava… Oh my God, you poor thing.” At some point during the verbal tirade, she put her arm around me. “Why in the world have you endured something like this completely alone?”
“I don’t know. It just sort of happened that way.” My eyes are so swollen from crying that I may not be able to show my face in public again for days.
“What happened tonight?”
“I went out with Eric, the guy from your firm.”
“Did something happen? Did he do something?”
“No, nothing like that.” I wipe the dampness from my face. “He’s wonderful, and we had the nicest time. And then, when we got home… He asked if he could kiss me, and I said he could.”
“Afterward, you felt guilty,” she says.
“Yes.”
“Ava… You didn’t do anything wrong by kissing Eric or enjoying the night out with him. You know that, don’t you?”
“If that’s true, why do I feel so awful?”
She’s quiet for a long time, and then she begins to speak. “I lost my little sister in a car accident when I was in law school. The loss about broke me. I had to leave school for a semester, and for a while, I didn’t think I could go back to the life I’d been leading before I lost her.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
“Thank you. It was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. The pain was just… excruciating. I wished I could die, too. That would’ve been easier than living without her.”
I know that feeling. I know it all too well. “How did you survive it?”
“One day at a time, and a lot of grief therapy. That saved my life.”
“I’ve been thinking that I need to find a good therapist and get my life back on track. More than five years is long enough to live like this.”
“I can set you up with mine. I still see her every now and then, and she takes patients right away, even on weekends. She says grief doesn’t keep regular hours and neither does she. You want me to text her?”
“I would really appreciate that, but isn’t it kind of late?”
Skylar pulls her phone out of her back pocket and sends the text. “She has a phone that she answers regardless of the time.”
I’m sitting close enough to her to see what she says: I have a friend in bad need of what you do best. When could you squeeze her in? The sooner the better.
The response comes almost right away. 9 in the morning?
“As in this morning?” I ask, incredulous.
“I told you. She doesn’t mess around when people need her. Should I tell her you’ll be there?”
“Yes, please.”
She’ll be there. Her name is Ava Lucas. Appreciate this.
Anything for you. Tell Ava I look forward to meeting her.
Will do.
“You’re all set. Her name is Jessica Trudeau. I’ll text you the address.”
“Thank you so much, Skylar. I’m so sorry you had to come home to so much drama.”
“I don’t mind at all. I’m glad I could help, and I’m honored to be the first person you’ve told.
” She rests her head against the vanity.
“I know how hard it can be to share this sort of thing with someone, especially when you’re possibly starting a new relationship.
I had a boyfriend when my sister died, and he stuck it out for a year afterward, which was about nine months longer than he should have.
He tried, but there was nothing he could do, and after a while, he gave up and moved on.
I’ve yet to get far enough into another relationship where I felt comfortable telling a new guy about my sister. ”
Sighing, I say, “I’m not sure why I never told anyone.
Probably because he wanted me to keep it between us when we were together, which, with hindsight, should’ve been a red flag.
But what did I know? I was twenty-one and madly in love for the first time in my life.
If he’d asked me to skydive without a parachute, I would’ve done it because he asked me to. ”
“Plus, you said you went away to school to put some distance between yourself and your family.”
“Yeah, and they would’ve swooped in and tried to fix everything for me, and I didn’t want that either.”
She turns her head toward me. “Remember this—you don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you chose to deal with this. Anyone who would hassle you about how you handled it has never dealt with anything like this, or they’d know to keep their fat mouths shut.”
“I think I might love you a little bit.”
Her laughter rings out in the small bathroom. “That’s good news, because I was expecting to hate you after you showed up with all the governor’s kids in tow.”
“They’re my sister’s new family, and they’re actually really nice.”
She nudges me with her elbow. “Especially the brother, huh?”
I think of Eric and the evening we spent together and smile.
“Yeah, especially him. He’s been so great to me since the day we met when I got drunk at my sister’s wedding and he took care of me.
” I tell her about his pizza cure and how it saved me.
“And he risked having his whole family up in his business by staying in my room in case I needed him during the night.” I fill her in on what happened with his ex and why it was such a big deal for him to step up for me the way he did.
“You know, I heard he was out on an extended leave of absence earlier this year, but I never found out why. The poor guy. Who could do that to someone they supposedly love?”
“I have no idea, but because of that, I’m extra concerned about getting involved with him if I’m not really ready to take that step.”
“Jessica will help you figure it out. She’s the best.”
“I’m so relieved to have told someone and to have a plan in place to try to feel better about everything. I can’t thank you enough.”
“Happy to help. What do you say we get the hell out of the bathroom?”
Laughing, I let her help me up, and then I hug her.
She returns the embrace and pats me on the back. “Try to get some sleep.”
“You, too.”
“I finished everything tonight, so I actually get to sleep in tomorrow.”
“Enjoy that. Good night.”
“Night, Ava.”
I go into my room, close the door and get into my bed. I’m about to reach for my phone to see if there’s any news from the Pentagon, but I stop myself. I can’t take any more tonight, and tomorrow will be soon enough to find out if he’s among the casualties.