Chapter 27 #2
“I was gone for six days. I can’t even remember where I was, what I was doing, or who I was with. Lily had called me multiple times and left me messages, but I ignored them all. After the second day, I turned my phone off.”
Swallowing hard, he reaches for my hand again. As I shift my body closer, the blanket slides from my lap to the floor.
“When I finally went home, she was gone. I thought she had made good on her threat and left me. Then I noticed all her things were still there. I hadn’t been back for fifteen minutes, not even long enough to have a shower, before Vaughan was pounding on my door.”
His shoulders lift with each inhale and drop too fast on the exhale. There is a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. “Ryan.” I squeeze his hand so that he will look at me. “You don’t have to do this. We can finish this conversation later.”
“Thank you.” He gives me a sad smile. “This is hard to talk about, but I’ll be okay. Let me finish.”
Removing his glasses, he tosses them on the coffee table and pinches the bridge of his nose before continuing.
“While I was on my bender, Lily got really sick. She thought she just had a cold, but by the end of day four she was getting worse and struggling to breathe. She called her parents to come and take her to the hospital. They assumed she was at her own apartment, but her roommates hadn’t seen or talked to her since the party.
They sent them to my place. When nobody answered the door, they panicked and called my father, who then called the building manager and gave him permission to let them in.
Hours had passed before they got to her. ”
He stares straight ahead, lost in his memories. After a moment of silence, I gently ask, “Do you want to stop?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “They found her in bed, burning up with a fever and unresponsive. An ambulance took her to the hospital, and I was told everything after that happened quickly. Doctors diagnosed Lily with bacterial pneumonia, but by the time she arrived, the infection had already spread to her bloodstream. Sepsis. They did everything they could.” Silent tears run down his face as he says, “I didn’t get there in time. She didn’t make it.”
“Oh, Honey, I’m so sorry,” I say softly, squeezing his hand tighter. Such a devastating loss at such a young age.
“Her parents blamed me. Her friends blamed me. I blamed myself,” he says quietly. “There were so many what-ifs. If I had stayed home. If I had taken her call the first day. If I hadn’t been such a complete fuck-up. None of this would have happened.”
“You don’t know that. People get sick every day and get better. She could have called someone else when she couldn’t reach you.” I shake my head as I try to reason with him.
“But she didn’t. She was waiting for me, and I didn’t come home in time to help her.”
“She was young and healthy,” I try to persuade him. “There would be no way to predict any of this could happen.”
I can tell he doesn’t believe that. It’s a wound too deep. So many things are clicking into place. Why he has avoided relationships. His need to help others. Why he was so worried when I got sick. Why he stayed with me until he knew I was better.
“Her parents wouldn’t let me go to her funeral,” he continues, sinking farther into the couch cushions.
“They had someone come to the apartment to collect all her things. I was so devastated I didn’t even think to keep anything.
My father was angry because Lily’s death affected his bottom line—her father was an investor in one of his companies. My mom didn’t even call me.”
“Fucking assholes,” I mutter. “All of them.”
“Pretty much.” The corner of his mouth rises.
“Are you up to telling me the rest?” I ask gently. “You don’t have to.”
“Yeah. I spiralled hard. I didn’t leave the apartment for over a month. The only person I saw was Vaughan. He would go to work during the day and sleep on my couch every night. He forced me to eat and to shower. I owe him my life, to be honest. He was the one who reached out to my grandfather.”
His shoulders relax as he scrubs a hand over the back of his neck, some of the tension he has been carrying slowly slipping away.
“He immediately came into the city and brought me back to his cottage. I had fallen into a deep depression and didn’t care if I lived or died.
He sobered me up and had a therapist come to the house to see me a couple of times a week.
There was a lot of tough love in the beginning.
When I pushed back, he pushed me harder.
It took time, but I slowly made peace with myself. Well, as much as I could.”
The room is quiet except for the sound of his breath and the flicker of the flames in the fireplace.
“Thank you for telling me,” I whisper, running my hand over his thigh. I feel his body relax further. “You didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did.”
“I wanted to.” He searches my eyes. “I want you to know me. All of me. Even the broken parts.”
“I don’t think you are broken. Not even a little bit,” I say, placing a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth. “You experienced a devastating loss. I’m glad you had Vaughan and your grandfather to take care of you.”
“Me too.” He kisses me on the forehead. “To answer your original question about the tattoo… I had been living in Emerley for a few years and just bought this house. I had a job I loved, and I was…happier. The anniversary of Lily’s death came around, and I forgot about it for over a week.
When I realized I had missed it, I was consumed with guilt.
How dare I be happy when Lily was no longer here?
As I tried to drink away my sorrows, I decided I wanted the tattoo.
A permanent reminder of her. Banks made me wait twenty-four hours until I sobered up and had a clear mind. ”
Raising his left arm over his head, he runs a finger along a simple tattoo inked across his rib cage. Bold black ink shows a heartbeat and a straight line. It’s then that I notice the period at the end. A tribute tattoo marking her life and death.
“The number above the line is the date she died.”
I say nothing as I climb over his body and straddle his lap.
When I rest my head on his shoulder, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer.
I can feel his heart beating against my chest. After a few minutes, I sit back and take his face in both hands and look into his red-rimmed, stormy grey eyes.
“I know there is nothing I can say that will take away the pain of her loss. My heart breaks for you. I also know you are a wonderful man. You get to be happy, Ryan. I’m sure she would want you to be happy.”
“You make me happy, and it’s terrifying,” he confesses.
“When I found you so sick, I felt like I was going to lose my mind with worry. If it wasn’t for Finn’s late-night delivery and Claire’s reassurance, I may have.
Hospitals terrify me, but I would have taken you there in a heartbeat if I needed to. ”
Dropping my hands to his shoulders, I ask quietly, “You know I’m okay, right?”
“I do…but I still feel the overwhelming need to take care of you and make your life easier.”
“I understand that. I really do, and I appreciate it. But we are going to have to find a balance,” I say, pushing his hair from his forehead. “I’m learning how to stand on my own two feet. You can be a part of the journey, but I need to figure some of this out on my own.”
“You know I can help you out with money, right?” When I start to pull away, his fingertips dig into my hips to hold me in place.
“I don’t want your money.” I shake my head. “I make good money; I just need Braden out of my life for good, so I can get ahead again.”
“Maybe I can help with that? I could talk to him for you,” he suggests.
“I don’t think so.” When he begins to protest, I place two fingers over his lips. “I promise I will ask for help if I need it.”
“Will you promise to keep me in the loop? Please don’t shut me out anymore. If he’s harassing you, I don’t want to find out about it after the fact or from someone else. That’s what relationships are about. Trust, looking out for each other, and knowing you never have to face things alone.”
“And is that what this is?” I ask, searching his eyes. “A real relationship?”
“I want it to be.” His eyes don’t waver from mine, and I feel something inside me settle into place.
“Me too.”
And I mean it.