Chapter 8
EIGHT
TESSA
Dizziness.
Painful tightening in my throat.
The inability to breathe.
This was worse than I ever could’ve imagined. Coming face-to-face with the man who’d been unfaithful to me was one of the most difficult things I’d done.
Hurt. There was no question Ryan could sense the hurt I was experiencing, and I hated that. I didn’t want him to know he’d had that kind of power over me, not after what he’d done.
All of my emotional preparation for this encounter with him had been for nothing.
Before Ryan had arrived, I’d done everything I could think of.
Shoving my hands into my pockets to give off the sense of calm.
Rolling my shoulders back and even yawning while I waited for him to show up in hopes that it’d make me appear the picture-perfect image of indifference.
That was the best I could’ve hoped for. I would’ve rather Ryan saw me looking completely unbothered by his appearance instead of having the trembling in my stomach take over. It was too much. The nerves. The anticipation.
So, I tried to prepare for this.
And the second Ryan was standing in front of me, none of it mattered. Now, every word I’d rehearsed, every question I’d memorized, had vanished. Looking at him, I could only hear those words that woman said to him. I could only see a liar.
“Tessa, babe, I’m—”
“Don’t call me that,” I seethed, holding my palm up toward his face. “We aren’t that anymore.”
He looked like he’d been slapped in the face. “I made a terrible mistake, Tessa.”
And there it was. His confession.
I’d already known he’d cheated on me, but there was something about hearing him admit to it. “A mistake?” My voice was barely audible.
“I’m so sorry.”
“A mistake?” I repeated, my voice growing louder.
“Newsflash, Ryan. A mistake is going home after a long week at work and accidentally falling asleep, causing you to miss your date with your girlfriend to celebrate her sister’s birthday.
Sleeping with someone who isn’t your girlfriend isn’t a mistake. It was a choice. One you made.”
His shoulders fell. “Yes. But… You don’t understand.”
I couldn’t begin to imagine what he thought he could tell me that would make any of this okay, but there was no doubt I was intrigued.
“Tell me, then. What don’t I understand?
Because from where I’m standing, it seems that I had spent the entire week looking forward to seeing you, and when you were supposed to be with me, you were in bed with another woman. ”
“You’re right. And I was wrong. I know that. I messed up.”
Disappointment moved through me. “Why? Why did you do it?”
Ryan’s eyes searched my face, and for a moment, it seemed as though he was giving me the chance to brace myself for whatever he was about to say.
Since I couldn’t come up with any good explanations beyond what had already crossed my mind—Ryan never cared and only wanted one thing from me—I didn’t know what to brace myself for. And that’s when he gave it to me.
“We were together for eight months, Tessa,” he started.
“It was different in the beginning. I get it. We needed time to get to know one another. But week after week of putting in the time and effort with you only led to minimal affection. Can you imagine how it was for me? I wanted to give you everything. I wanted to share everything with you. You were so easy to love, and yet, I couldn’t ever show you that in all the ways that I wanted. ”
Sex.
This was about sex.
“Are you saying this is my fault because I didn’t sleep with you right from the start?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t expect it to happen immediately, but I certainly wasn’t prepared for eight whole months of nothing more than just kissing.”
My lips parted, my throat unbearably dry. No matter how many thoughts ran through my head, not a single word came out of me.
Ryan took advantage of my silence. “Most people might say that if I wasn’t getting everything I needed out of the relationship, I should’ve ended it.
The problem is that the promise of you was just so good.
It is so good. You’re gorgeous, funny, easygoing.
Honestly, there isn’t anything about you I don’t like.
Love, actually. And I knew that once we got over this hurdle, there’d be nothing stopping us. ”
Love? He was still claiming to love me, but his actions showed the opposite.
Ryan took a step toward me, forcing me to become unstuck.
I stepped back as he reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.
“I did my best to be understanding of where you were, that you weren’t ready to take that step.
I need you to be understanding of this, Tessa.
I’m a man, babe. You couldn’t possibly expect me not to have my needs taken care of.
If you love and care about me as much as I know you do, you wouldn’t want me to suffer like that. ”
How was this the man I’d fallen in love with? He was so casual about standing there, blaming me for his choice to cheat.
The more he spoke, the more I realized this could get worse. Because not only was I quickly learning he had no intention of taking accountability for what he’d done, but the reality of it all was hitting me in the face.
I wasn’t quite sure if I’d purposely avoided considering the possibility of it, or if it hadn’t actually crossed my mind, but now I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t the one thing at the very forefront of my mind. Everything was coming together.
“This wasn’t just a one-time thing, was it?”
He jerked back. It was clear he’d already assumed I believed as much, and with everything he’d shared, there was no way he could go back and pretend otherwise.
“Tessa, I—”
“You’re such a liar.” I yanked my hand out of his grip. “And you’re nothing but a cheating, spineless coward. How dare you try to blame me for what you chose to do? God, do I regret every choice I ever made when it comes to you. I should’ve known.”
“I love you, Tessa. And it’s good now. We’re good. We finally took things to the next level. It was great. You were great. I know we can move past this.”
My eyes rounded as rage bubbled up inside me.
“Are you out of your mind?! Not that I believe you’ve given me any viable excuse for what you did, but take a minute to think about all that you just said to me, Ryan.
Even if I were a sucker and could allow myself to accept part of the blame for why you cheated, let’s not forget that you were with another woman last weekend, which was after I gave you something that was so precious to me. ”
Ryan let out a frustrated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. “I know. I’m sorry. After things changed between us, I swear that was the only time it happened. I haven’t done anything since. I just… It’s a complicated situation.”
Four words.
Four words barreled through my mind, throwing up red flags in every direction I looked. It’s a complicated situation.
Tipping my head to the side, my eyes narrowed on him. “How complicated, Ryan?”
“Tessa, listen—”
“How. Complicated?”
“I think if you’d just—”
“Who was it?” I changed tactics. “Was it the same woman every time you had to get your needs fulfilled?”
His shoulders fell. “It was the same woman.”
How I didn’t stumble backward at that bit of news was a mystery. “How long were you unfaithful? Was there any point throughout the entire eight months that you kept your dick in your pants?”
He pressed his lips together.
When he made no move to speak, I said, “I asked you when it started, Ryan. Tell me when it started.”
“Two months in.”
With that confession, I couldn’t stop myself from reacting. It felt like I’d been socked in the gut. “Two months? That’s all you could manage? You’re telling me you made a fool of me for six months?”
“It wasn’t like that. And honestly, tell me that you can’t understand it. Now that you and I had what we did two weekends ago, you’ve got to understand why it was impossible to just give it up.”
“No, Ryan, I can’t say that I do understand.” I shrugged. “Maybe the experience just wasn’t that memorable or good for me.”
I was lying to him. I remembered it, but I didn’t care. He’d hurt me so badly and didn’t seem the least bit bothered. I needed to do something to make myself feel better. And technically, since I didn’t have anything to compare it to, could I really say that it had been good?
“That was unnecessary,” he clipped.
“Oh, I’m sorry. How awful of me to make you feel bad when you were cheating on me for six whole months!”
“Tessa, you need to calm down. We just need to figure out how we’re going to move forward from here.”
I ignored that preposterous statement and asked, “Who was it?”
“What?”
“Who was she? Who was the woman getting your time and attention?”
“Does that matter?”
“This wasn’t random women, Ryan. This was one specific woman who was sharing your bed while you were with me. I think I have a right to know.”
He hesitated. “It was my ex.”
As quickly as I could snap my fingers, Ryan landed another blow. And it might’ve been the worst one of all.
He’d claimed this was about physical needs—not that I bought that as an acceptable excuse—and yet, he’d been sneaking around behind my back for six months with his ex.
“Does she know about me?”
“She does.”
If only I knew for certain whether he said that to cover his tracks or if he was telling the truth. It was amazing how quickly I’d gone from having faith in this man, believing he was the one, to suddenly not being able to trust a word that came out of his mouth.
My mind had been made up long before he showed up here today, but with all that he’d said from the moment he opened his mouth, Ryan solidified that decision for me. “I hope you understand that we’re done.”
He took another step toward me, reaching for my hand. I moved back out of his grasp. “Tessa.” His voice was soft, gentle. “Don’t say that. Take a moment and think about it.”
“I’ve had a week and a day to think about it, Ryan. And I’m done. I was done before you got here. Now, after learning just how long this went on…” I trailed off, shaking my head with the disappointment I felt in myself.
“So, you don’t love me? You can just let me go like that?” There was an edge of irritation in his tone.
“It wasn’t me who let go, Ryan.”
“I explained myself, babe. But I promise it’s done. You and I… Now that we’ve got the physical aspect to our relationship, we’re perfect. I don’t need anything else.”
My emotions were bubbling up inside of me. I couldn’t believe I’d allowed myself to be fooled by a man who was this oblivious, a man who believed I could overlook even one instance of infidelity, let alone six months’ worth of it.
“You might not need anything else, but I do. I need someone I can trust, someone who thinks the world of me.”
“I do.”
“No, you don’t. If you did, you would’ve waited as long as it took for me to feel ready to take that step with you without feeling the need to look elsewhere for physical pleasure.
And if you couldn’t do that and really thought the world of me, you would’ve had the decency to be honest and let me go, so you could go get what you needed without cheating on me. Because I deserved at least that much.”
Nodding his agreement, Ryan said, “You’re right, Tessa. You’re absolutely right, babe. I fucked up. I’m sorry. But what we’ve got is good. And I love you. I’m sorry. We can work this out.”
“I’m sorry. We can’t. And I think you need to leave.”
“Please, Tessa. Just listen to me.”
As he stepped toward me, I skirted around him and began moving toward the front door. “No. There’s nothing you have to say that I want to hear.”
Ryan followed behind me, panic rising in his tone. “What do I have to do? Anything you want, I promise, I’ll give it to you. Whatever it takes to make this up to you, to prove how much you mean to me.”
“That time has passed. You’ve already shown me how little I mean.”
“Babe, don’t do this.” I came to a stop in front of the door and turned back to look at him. Ryan looked on the verge of breaking down, and his voice gave him away when he begged, “Please.”
For several long moments, I simply stared at him. Dozens of thoughts about all that I’d learned had filtered through my mind, but there was one thing that became glaringly obvious as I took in the disbelieving look on Ryan’s face.
He thought I was weak. He thought I would cave.
That he’d come over, tell me his sob story, blaming me for what happened between us, and that I’d accept him back into my life like nothing happened.
I wondered what I’d done wrong to give him the impression that I was a woman who wouldn’t stand up for herself.
Sure, I might’ve felt like I was dying on the inside, but I still knew what I was worth.
“I asked you not to call me that. Now, I need you to leave.”
“Tessa—”
“Now,” I said, my voice firm as I opened the door.
Ryan’s eyes darted between the open door and me, ultimately settling on me. “I’m not going to give you up. I’ll give you time, but I’m going to win you back.”
“That’s not an option.”
He jerked his chin down. “We’ll see. You’ll want what we had back. And I’m going to make sure we both get it.”
Before I had the chance to tell him he was wrong, Ryan walked out.
I closed the door behind him, remained motionless for a few seconds, and stared off as it all hit me. Then I finally allowed the feelings I’d been burying deep to bubble to the surface. Making it to the couch, I curled up in a ball and allowed everything to pour out of me.