Chapter 6
SIX
OLIVIA
It finally hit me last night.
Except for the emotional turmoil I’d endured in the days leading up to the wedding—especially that morning—and in the hours of driving after I’d decided to walk away, I hadn’t dwelled on any of it.
I arrived in Rising Sun, checked into the hotel, and got the news about the tree lighting. I took that as my first good sign.
Then I met Taj and had hot cocoa with him after he’d put his jacket over my bare shoulders. I took that as my second good sign.
And finally, other than the few minutes yesterday morning when I’d foolishly chosen to listen to some of my voicemail messages, I received my third good sign when Taj had a box of clothes and that snow globe delivered to my room and offered to take me on a tour of the town.
Of course, we hadn’t managed to do much touring with all the shopping I’d wound up doing, but it had been nice anyway.
After all that, I was bold enough to say that not only was I not sad, but also that I actually felt happy. The absolute best I had in weeks. Months, maybe.
Until last night.
Until I’d gotten back to the hotel suite and replayed my day with Taj in my mind.
Everything had started off great. I was smiling as I held my snow globe and recalled all the wonderful things he’d done, and the fun I’d had with him. It had been such a simple day without any pressure. Everything was just… easy. And I loved it.
I hadn’t thought anything could bring me down after such a wonderful day, but it happened. And it seemed to come out of nowhere, too.
All of it hit me at once—the wedding, Conrad, the voicemail from my mom, and even Raven’s panicked messages.
Tossing and turning, I had an awful night and barely got any sleep. Now I was here, a new day had dawned, and I felt horrible. Exhausted.
Maybe it was what I needed, though. Maybe I needed something to get me to take a long, hard look at what I’d done and decide what I was going to do next. I had no plan. Hell, even Taj had asked me what my plan was, and I couldn’t give him a great answer, either.
But I hated the idea of having to know. Of always needing an answer for what was next. Or having every minute of my life planned and scheduled and taken up by someone else’s agenda. I just wanted the opportunity to be for a while.
Perhaps since I was taking the steps to give myself that part of it now, I could at least accept that there were other things that would eventually need to be dealt with.
For now, I was going to give myself a day to sulk.
A day to be lazy and unproductive. A day of watching movies and ordering room service and feeling sad.
I’d allow myself to feel sorrow not over what I’d done but over all that I’d given up.
Even if Conrad manipulated me sometimes, I didn’t think he was out to get me.
I believed he wanted the best for me. The problem was that he was the one who deemed what was best.
The simple thought of that made me groan with frustration as I rolled to my side and got out of the bed.
After using the bathroom and washing my face, I ordered some room service and crawled back into bed.
Wanting a distraction, I turned on the television.
I flipped through the channels for a bit, stopping occasionally to listen to the local weather and news before moving on to something far more entertaining.
My food arrived, and no sooner had I taken the first bite of it, my phone buzzed on the nightstand. My stomach dropped. Was it my mother again? Conrad, perhaps? Maybe Raven.
Carefully, slowly, I chewed and swallowed my eggs. Then I reached for the phone, and all the tension eased out of my body.
There was a text from Taj.
Taj
Good morning, Olivia. I’m at work today, so I can’t be your guide around town. But I’m more than happy to provide suggestions or commentary throughout the day if you need it. I just wanted you to know that you can reach out to me at any time.
My lips curved into a smile. It was this early in the morning, and even though he was already at work, Taj was being so sweet and thinking about me.
But something dawned on me at that moment.
I knew nothing about Taj beyond his kindness and compassion.
He never shared what he did for a living, and I never asked.
If I had, maybe I wouldn’t have found myself so distressed over my situation last night.
Perhaps focusing my attention on something or someone other than myself would be beneficial.
Good morning, Taj. Thank you for your offer. I just realized I don’t know what you do for a living.
Taj
No, I guess you don’t. Funny, I didn’t think I was the mysterious one. I think I like this.
So, you aren’t going to tell me?
Now that I realized he hadn’t shared it with me, I desperately wanted to know what he did. It would give me some insight into the man.
Taj
I’ll tell you if you guess correctly. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait until we see each other in person for me to reveal it.
I smiled at my phone at the prospect of seeing him again.
After spending all those hours together yesterday, Taj had been a gentleman and walked me back to my hotel.
But he hadn’t done anything to solidify another outing with me.
Evidently, he was interested in one. The question remained of when that would happen.
I have to guess?!
Taj
Come on, it’ll be fun.
Fun.
There was no question I needed a bit of that in my life. Wasn’t it the whole reason I was here anyway? Still smiling, I tapped out a reply.
Okay. How many guesses do I get?
Taj
Three.
And if I don’t get it right, I have to wait until I see you again?
Taj
That’s the deal.
I pressed my lips together, clutching my phone tightly in my hand. Did I have the courage to ask precisely what was on my mind? Of course, I did. The better question was whether it was a smart thing to do.
Well, when do I get to see you again?
Taj had been responding rapidly until I asked that question, and for a moment, I wondered if I’d been too forthcoming.
But there was a small part of me that understood he wouldn’t have brought up this little game and teased me with an answer when he saw me if that wasn’t something he ultimately wanted to experience again.
Following an extended pause, which I used to eat more of my breakfast, my phone buzzed with his reply.
Taj
There’s a toy drive at Parks Ridge Ski Resort on Saturday. I’ll be there early, but I can stop by after things get going to pick you up, if you’d like.
A toy drive. Well, that was just more proof of his compassionate nature.
As much as I would have loved to have him pick me up, I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. It’d be one thing to talk occasionally like this or meet up somewhere for an event as friends. But if I allowed him to pick me up, I worried it’d send him the wrong message.
That’s okay. I still have the rental car and can just meet you there, so you don’t have to make extra trips.
Taj
It’s up to you. I don’t mind either way.
Until then, I’ve got three guesses about your job. Are you curious what I’m thinking?
Taj
You have no idea.
I bit my lip and tapped furiously on the screen. Lack of sleep or no, I had the energy to do this.
So, I think it’s either teacher, police officer, or some kind of therapist.
Taj didn’t immediately respond, and I wished I would’ve saved sharing my guesses until I was standing in front of him. Because whether I guessed correctly or was entirely off base, I had no doubt his reaction would have been entertaining.
Taj
Those guesses are all over the place, don’t you think?
Not at all.
Taj
Please explain how you came up with them.
I thought about careers that were best suited to people who were compassionate problem solvers.
There was another long pause before I received his response.
Taj
You think I’m a compassionate problem solver.
Are you suggesting you aren’t? From the moment I met you, I feel like that’s exactly what you’ve shown me. I was cold, you gave me your jacket and bought me hot cocoa. I had no clothes, you got me some. Compassionate problem solver.
Taj
I’m not sure I’ve ever heard that before. But it feels like a compliment, so I’ll take it.
Well?
Taj
What?
Am I right? Is one of those guesses correct?
Taj
I’m afraid not.
Damn… Now I have to wait until the weekend.
Taj
What will you do until then?
Today, I’m doing nothing but staying in this bed and watching movies. I didn’t get a good night of sleep.
Taj
Sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you’ve got a great day planned. I’ll let you get to it, so I can get back to work.
I’d probably spend some time considering his career today, too. What job was he working where he had the freedom to be able to text me as much as he had this morning?
Okay. Hope you have a great day, too.
Taj
Thanks. Later, Olivia.
Later, Taj.
I’d finished up the last bit of breakfast, crawled back under the blanket, and decided on a movie to watch. Not quite thirty minutes into it, my phone rang.
Raven.
Maybe it was time I answered and talked to my friend. Even if for no other reason than to let her know that I was safe, alive, and trying to sort myself out.
“Hello?”
“Olivia?”
The disbelief in her tone was indescribable.
“It’s me,” I said softly.
A long pause. Then, “Where are you? Are you okay?”
“I’m okay,” I assured her.
“We’ve been worried sick about you. Everyone is going crazy trying to get in touch with you. Why haven’t you called? And what were you thinking? Why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you tell somebody what was going on?”
Raven didn’t stop speaking long enough to breathe. Her words came out a mile a minute, and I got the distinct sense she was angry at me. I guess I couldn’t blame her. She was the one who likely had to break the news to everyone that I wasn’t going to be attending my own wedding.
“I’m sorry for not calling. I’ve just needed some time to myself.”
“You should have talked to me,” she said. “Or anybody.”
I reached over to the nightstand and picked up my snow globe. I flipped it over and back again, watching the snow fall inside as I returned, “I did.”
“I’m not talking about the note you left me to find.”
“I’m not either.” I sighed. “Raven, I was unhappy for years. I made that much clear.”
“So, why did you go through with it? Why did you buy the dress and plan the wedding?”
I’d been asking myself the same questions for a long time. In the hours I’d spent on the road coming here to Rising Sun, I’d asked that question no less than a dozen times. I didn’t have an answer. Not a good one, anyway.
“I don’t know. I guess I thought my feelings would change, that once I got into all the planning, I’d feel better about it.
I didn’t. And as I stood in that bridal suite that morning, the weight of it all was just too much.
I’m sorry for not talking to you about it, but I’m not sorry about the choice I made. ”
The silence stretched between us. It went on for so long, I pulled my phone from my ear to confirm we hadn’t gotten disconnected.
“Raven?”
“He’s devastated, you know?”
I didn’t have to ask for clarification to know she was referring to Conrad.
My former fiancé. While I didn’t doubt that he appeared devastated to everyone—he probably really was—the reason for his devastation wasn’t for the right reasons.
I knew enough to know it wasn’t about losing the love of his life.
Instead of getting into that with my friend, I said, “It wouldn’t have worked.”
“He loved you. He still does.”
My thumb moved along the glass of the snow globe. “No, Raven. He doesn’t. I think he loves the idea of me. Of what I can be and do for him. But he doesn’t love me. Not the real me.”
She groaned. “Are you serious? That’s what this is all about? Olivia, you ruined everything good in your life because you’re looking for… what? Adventure? Excitement?”
“I’m looking for happiness. At the bare minimum, I want to be happy. And I wasn’t. Not at all. I certainly wasn’t in love.”
“After everything he did for you?”
My shoulders fell. “You make it sound like what he did for me didn’t benefit him. Regardless, that’s not a reason to love someone. And if he really did love me, he wouldn’t have held my career hostage. Who does that? Who tells someone they have to marry them if they want to keep their job?”
“So, it was unconventional. But you can’t say he didn’t think the world of you. I mean, I wasn’t the one who got the job and the proposal. You did. That has to count for something.”
I let out a long breath. “I wish I could see it that way, but I don’t.”
Raven didn’t immediately respond. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to wrap her head around my logic or if she thought I’d lost my mind entirely.
“You can still fix this, Liv. Your mom and I have been talking to him, trying to smooth things over. But you need to come back. Wherever you are, you need to come back before it’s too late. ”
“I can’t do that. Not right now.”
“Word is going to get out eventually. This won’t be a secret forever. And then you’ll be left without any options for work. You know he can make that happen.”
“So, you’re suggesting I stay with him out of fear over what the man you claim loves me will do to torch my career? That’s not a good life, Raven. And it certainly isn’t love.”
“I think you’re making a huge mistake,” she said. “You’re not going to ever find someone who can care for you and look after you the way Conrad did. That man would have given you everything.”
Except for the one thing I actually need, I thought.
“This isn’t about money. This is about my life. And I’m sorry you can’t see that.”
“I just can’t understand why you would throw it away.”
This was awful. And unproductive.
Raven and I weren’t going to get anywhere, and the longer we talked, the more upset we were both getting.
“Listen, I need some time to work through this and do something I want for once. I can’t keep living for everyone else.
If anyone could understand, I thought it’d be you.
But I’m not upset with you for not agreeing with my decision or grasping why this is so important to me.
Can you just… Will you let my mom know you talked to me? That I’m okay, and I’ll call soon.”
For a long time, Raven didn’t respond. And when her voice finally came through the line, I could barely hear her. “Yeah, Liv. I’ll tell her.”
“We’ll talk soon,” I promised.
“Sure. Okay.”
“I promise.”
“Right. I’ve got to go.”
Without giving me a chance to respond, she disconnected our call.
And I sat there wondering if there was any merit in everything she’d said. Was I making a huge mistake? Had I done something I’d never be able to come back from?
I had no answers.
But at least I had time.
For now, that was going to have to be good enough.
So, I set the snow globe back on the nightstand, cuddled up under the blanket, and ignored all my problems by continuing my planned movie marathon.