Chapter 7
SEVEN
HAWK
“Stay right there.”
My body came to a halt, my shoulders rising toward my ears at the seriousness in my sister’s tone.
When I’d arrived at her place today, I expected a fun afternoon with my favorite people in the whole world. But seeing Danica so serious was making me think I was about to get bad news.
Unable to stand the suspense, I called, “Danica?”
At the sound of her name, she broke out into a full-fledged grin. “We have something to show you.”
I didn’t have the opportunity to respond before she lowered her son to his feet in her backyard. Then, I didn’t dare look away as I witnessed a miracle. My nephew was striding over to me like he was a grown man and not a ten-month-old baby.
Crouching down, I waited until he made it to me so I could scoop him up and kiss his cheeks. “What’s going on here? When did this happen, little man?”
My sister moved toward us and explained, “You know he was getting better and better at standing, and he’d take two or three wobbly steps before deciding that he preferred crawling, because it was easier.
Then”—she snapped her fingers—“just like that, over the last week, he made up his mind that it was time to start walking.”
I looked at the little guy in my arms with such pride. “This is such a great present for your mom on a day like today,” I told him, tickling his belly.
My nephew giggled, the sound like music to my ears, as he squirmed in my hold. This was just what I’d needed. I could be feeling down in the dumps, and one look at this kid could turn it all around. I should’ve visited much sooner.
“It’s a huge milestone, yes. But I’m not so sure about it being a great present, Hawk.” Danica snorted. “It just means it’ll be easier for him to get himself into more trouble. And this little boy seems to have no problem managing that task.”
I smiled, held out the flowers I’d gotten for her, and tugged her close for a hug once she’d taken them from me. “Happy Mother’s Day, Danica.”
She hugged me back. “Thanks, Hawk. These are gorgeous.”
“I hope your guys spoiled you today,” I said, squeezing her opposite shoulder.
Tipping her chin up, she let out a satisfied sigh and grinned. “They did. Flowers, breakfast in bed, and Isaac’s taking care of lunch now.”
An overwhelming sense of peace moved through me. My sister deserved this, and I was beyond grateful she’d found a man who treated her like she deserved, allowing her to give her son the life neither one of us had.
My nephew let out a shriek as he squirmed, an indication that he was no longer content being held. I set him down on his feet and watched him take off toward the swing set. He was growing entirely too fast. It hadn’t been that long since I last saw him, and the change felt tremendous.
Shaking my head, I muttered, “I can’t believe he’s walking like that.”
“I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it? Time is flying. I can still remember the day he was born, and sometimes, I wish I could just freeze time and keep him this size forever.”
Danica and I followed behind the little guy, and I lifted him into the swing seat once he’d made it there and demanded through a bunch of gibberish and slamming of his fists on the seat what he wanted.
After getting him strapped in safely and securely, I pushed him in the swing, Danica and I laughing at his squeals of delight.
She could never bring herself to push him as high as I would, as high as his dad would, so it was no surprise he’d decided this was how he wanted to spend some of his time the second I showed up.
I didn’t mind. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for this kid—for my sister, too. I’d stand here for hours pushing him on this swing if it would make him happy.
Following a few minutes of silence between us, my sister playfully shoved her shoulder into my arm. “So, when am I going to get the chance?”
I turned slightly toward her, maintaining a steady rhythm of pushing the swing. “The chance for what?”
Her hopeful eyes came to mine, and I braced myself. “When am I going to get a niece or nephew to spoil?”
“You already have that. Isaac’s sister has three kids. A boy and two girls,” I noted, doing my best to brush off how that question made me feel.
“It’s not the same, Hawk, and you know it.
” I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, so I focused on pushing the swing.
“Look, I’m not saying I don’t love those kids.
I’d do anything for them. But you’re my brother.
We’re all we have. You know you’re the only real family I’ve ever had until I met Isaac, and I just want another part of you in this world. ”
My throat clogged. That was just it. She didn’t seem to understand that she was the only one who wanted that. Nobody else did. And if there was someone who might’ve agreed with her, it was because they didn’t know the truth about me.
I looked back at my nephew. “Danica, I—”
“Don’t you dare say something awful about yourself,” she ordered, sensing where my thoughts were. “I won’t stand here and listen to it. Especially not on a day like today. A day you made possible for me. I’m just wondering if I’ll ever be lucky enough to do what you do.”
I stopped pushing the swing and stood straighter as I returned my attention to her. “Lucky enough to do what I do? What’s that?”
“You’re here today celebrating me being a mom,” she said softly. “Am I ever going to have the opportunity to celebrate with you on Father’s Day?”
The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt or disappoint my sister. She knew that. But I wasn’t quite sure she understood what it was that she was asking of me. “I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you. It’s just not possible.”
Danica pressed her lips together in a grimace.
Heartbeats of silence passed before she moved close and clamped her hand around the back of my arm.
“But it is possible. I see the way you are with my son, and it proves what I already knew to be the truth. You’d be the most amazing father in the world.
Any child would be lucky to have you. And I understand I’m probably getting ahead of myself and skipping a few steps.
It’s just that I want this for you. More than anything else, I want you to have the family that you made it possible for me to have.
And I think, especially if you take the time to find the right woman, you’d change your mind. ”
As quickly as I could’ve snapped my fingers, images of a hazel-eyed beauty flashed in my mind. The kindest, sweetest woman I’d ever known. She’d made it impossible to feel anything but peace and contentment whenever I was around her.
Of course, it had been entirely too long since that had happened.
All the warmth I felt in an instant at seeing her smiling face in my mind vanished as a bucket of icy-cold regret washed over me.
Memories of our last encounter, more than a week ago, flooded me. I’d agonized over it every day since then. Not one night had passed where I’d been able to fall asleep without thinking about what happened.
Every moment from the minute she walked up and asked me to have lunch with her until she placed her delicate palm against my chest and left no doubts about her interest in me assaulted my brain in more ways than one.
Not only the memories I had of every wonderful second with her, but also that she had the interest in me that she did.
There’d been nobody like her. In all these years, she’d been the only one not related to me in some way who treated me with respect, to look at me like I was human.
Even though I understood it was because she didn’t know the truth about me, I could admit I had a handful of moments of weakness.
Moments when I allowed myself to consider the possibility of acting on our mutual attraction and wondering where it could lead.
Those were the instances when I let my guard down, laughed with her, asked questions, and took bites of food from her hand.
She found a way to make me feel so good every time I was around her.
And all I could bring myself to do was lie to her and crush that beautiful spirit. God, the way she teared up and seemed to be in physical pain after hearing my harsh words was heartbreaking.
The urge to fall to my knees in front of her and beg for forgiveness was strong. And when she took off in the opposite direction, every fiber of my being was screaming at me to go and make things right with her.
But I couldn’t do that. It was better for her this way. She could move on and be with someone who was worthy of her.
My gut clenched at the thought of her directing that affection, that smile, at another man. Whoever that man was, he’d be one lucky son of a bitch. That woman was a treasure, and she deserved someone who’d make her life better.
“Hawk?”
I blinked and shook my head, attempting to physically remove the thoughts of longing and regret from my mind. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
Nodding, I lied, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Danica squeezed my arm. “I’m not trying to upset you. But you mean the world to me. I want you to be happy, and I think finding a good woman to raise a family with would make you so happy. If you want a life that feels fulfilling, you can have it.”
“I don’t doubt what you’re saying,” I insisted. “But I can’t do that. I can’t pursue someone and not consider the negative impact I’ll have on that woman’s life. I’m just not a guy who can do that, Danica.”
“That you’re able to recognize there’d be a challenge is enough for me to know that you’d be nothing but a positive impact on her life, whomever she is.
” Danica’s expression turned vacant, and following a lengthy silence, she said, “Sometimes, I wish I could go back and change everything. Fix all that happened.”
At those words, I wrapped my arm around her back to her opposite shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I want to believe that, Hawk, but it’s hard when I can’t get you to see the same. You didn’t do anything wrong, either.”
Most people didn’t see it the way she did.
And sadly, that was what mattered.
Even if I didn’t necessarily care about anyone else’s opinion other than hers, the sad fact was that those other opinions heavily influenced my life moving forward. My future was determined largely by the judgments and beliefs of others.
“I appreciate you saying that. It means a lot to me to know you feel that way.”
“If only we could get you to feel that way.”
At that moment, a door closed in the distance behind us. We turned at the same time to find Isaac carrying food over to the outdoor table.
“Looks like your celebratory lunch is ready,” I noted.
“Yeah, we just have to convince this guy that it’s time to get out of the swing,” she returned, pointing to her son.
I jerked my head toward Isaac. “Go over with your husband. I’ll give this little guy a few more pushes on the swing before I attempt to take him out.”
“Are you sure?”
Nodding, I said, “Positive.”
My sister took off toward her husband. I focused my attention on my nephew and continued to push the swing for him.
While I certainly found myself entertained by his happy face and occasional shrieks of delight, my mind was mostly preoccupied with the same thoughts I’d had minutes ago.
I’d never thought it’d be possible to miss someone, but in that moment, I realized that was precisely what I was feeling.
I shook my head. I couldn’t continue to do this to myself. No matter how badly I wanted the same thing my sister had hoped for me to have, it just wasn’t an option.
So, when I’d done as I promised and given my nephew a few more pushes on the swing, I allowed it to come to a stop before I lifted him out. Surprisingly, he didn’t put up a fuss.
And as I carried him back to where his parents were waiting for us, I tried to convince myself that this was enough. That it would always be enough.
My heart knew it was nothing but a lie.