11. The Letters
Chapter eleven
The Letters
Oct. 10, 1997
Dear Maria,
Thank you for the letter and for explaining everything. I have to admit something though, and it may be hard for you to hear. But I am so mad at you, And I know that’s awful and selfish considering what you wrote to me. So let me explain.
First and foremost, I am so sorry you went through all of that. It must have been so hard. I can’t really think about it, because I may go and find Chad and I would rather not get arrested. But, and this is where I get kinda mad, because while reading your letter, all I kept thinking was, why didn’t she come to me? We could have worked through that together. I would have been there through all of it and then maybe I wouldn’t be here writing this letter without you in my life. Because you were my girl, and in some ways, you still are, and always will be. I could tell in your letter that you were holding back from saying certain things, since you are in a relationship. But I’m not seeing anyone, so I’m going to tell you how I feel. It may be my one and only chance.
My feelings haven’t changed. I still love you.
That’s it. That’s what you need to know. Because it is, well, it was, everything.
To answer your question, yes, I would like to start writing to you again. But from this point on, our letters need to be nothing but friendly. Because that is the only way I can allow myself to think about you. In Dexter’s, holding you in my arms, well, my head hasn’t been the same since. So, if you are with Nate, and there is no chance of us getting back together, I can’t have these letters become romantic. I can’t, Maria. Besides, I won’t pursue you if you are with someone. That’s not who I am. When we were together, I always felt that we were two insecure people who were secure in each other. So maybe talking to you again will give back that sense of security I lost two years ago. I guess we’ll see.
Since you caught me up on your life, I think it’s only fair that I do the same. After the night you gave me The Chad, I struggled for a very long time. I had huge dreams for you and me. And that all came crashing down, so obviously I needed time to adjust to my new reality. Eventually I did. I started dating again, as you saw. There have been other women, but nothing serious. Although there is my neighbor, Cara, that lives above me. God, you would hate her. She is so pushy. It drives me nuts. I still hang out with Ricky, as you saw. Also, that bartender that helped diffuse the situation on the dance floor has become a friend as well. Big C has been a nice sounding board for me when it comes to you. I dare to say that I trust him more than Ricky, if you can believe it.
That night at Dexter’s, I was there with Ricky, letting off some steam because I had just lost my job. It sucks so bad, let me tell you. And you know how this area of Ohio is right now. There is no work. Today, I had an interview as a manager in a freaking grocery store. Writing it down makes me laugh because it is funny actually. But I think if they offer it to me, I will take it.
But it makes me feel like such a loser.
That’s it. That’s my life. Pretty riveting. Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon. I guess I’ll find out if you were serious about this whole reconnecting thing. I look forward to your letter, Maria.
Yours, Sam