Chapter Twenty
A my felt like a shaken soda bottle as she turned off Juniper Road and down the gravel drive leading to Split Valley Ranch. Nerves coiled in her gut, and her hands trembled against the steering wheel of her car. The shakes were so bad by the time she pulled up beside the house that she had to sit in the driver’s seat and take a few deep, calming breaths. In through her nose. Out through her mouth. And again. In and out.
Elizabeth had told her to fight for him, and she’d wanted to call him for days. But that fear of rejection had planted itself inside her chest and refused to move. Every time she’d tried to pick up the phone, she’d been overwhelmed with the image of Josh pulling away, of him turning his back on her. So she’d resigned herself to giving him more time. She tried not to take up space in his world even though that’s all she wanted to do. That didn’t stop her from missing him though.
She’d done her best to keep busy with Faith and the feed store and planning for this baby. There was so much to do. So many unknowns. She was grateful for all her sisters and the constant stream of parenting and relationship advice trickling down the group chat since their lunch at Lulu’s. She’d missed them and had loved seeing them, but truthfully, she’d found herself missing Tenacity even more. She’d missed the small-town happenings and the quiet and seeing the same people day in and day out. She used to love the city. When had her heart shifted?
The moment I met Josh , she told herself.
She missed him everywhere. Sitting on the porch in the evenings with tea and toast. Bumping into customers in aisles in the store. Mostly she missed being here with him, riding through the pastures, nothing for miles but them and the Montana skyline.
She touched her belly.
There would be no more riding for a while.
And there might not be any more Josh after today.
That last thought churned in her stomach worse than any morning sickness. If Josh had come to the conclusion that he simply couldn’t raise another man’s baby, this would be the end of them.
Amy blinked, fighting off tears. Dammit . If she started crying now, she’d never be able to stop. She’d be a blubbering mess before Josh even uttered a hello. If he said hello. She’d been playing out this moment in her mind, trying to anticipate what Josh might have to say. Amy fought the urge to believe that he’d leave her like Tru, but unlike with Tru, she’d understand. Josh hadn’t signed up to be a father to someone else’s kid. And regardless of what they wanted, Amy was about to be a mother. Tears grew heavy in the corners of her eyes. She swiped at them with her fingers. Get it together, Amy.
This news had blown in like a twister, disrupting both their lives, and it wasn’t fair of her to expect Josh to pick up those pieces or to try to salvage this relationship. She imagined the situation in reverse. What if Josh had sprung a kid on her? To fall for someone only to watch their past creep back in and change everything you thought you knew about them. Her first instinct might have been to step away too.
She supposed there was no more putting it off though. It was time to find out if there was anything left to fight for. Amy climbed out of the car and walked around the side of the house, up the porch steps.
Josh leaned against the railing, looking out at the barn. He had a beer in his hand. He left the bottle on the railing the moment he spotted her. “You came!”
“Of course I came.” She noticed a few more beers scattered about. Uh-oh . Had Josh needed some liquid courage before dropping the news that this was over? Her heart gave a dull, hollow thump, and she resisted the urge to rub at the spot where her chest ached. Fear made it difficult to swallow, and heaviness welled behind her eyes. She didn’t know if she wanted to scream or cry or curse Tru McCoy until the cows came home.
“How are you?” he asked.
“Good.” Her gaze drifted past him briefly. “Having a bit of a party?”
He looked over his shoulder at the empty beer bottles. “Oh, no. More like a celebration, I guess. I, uh, got roped into some detective work with Stanley Sanchez and his grandniece, Nina. We were just celebrating a clue that panned out. Sort of a big deal for the town. At least, Stan says so.”
Amy’s eyes widened. Of all the things she imagined Josh doing in their time apart, detective work was not one of them.
Josh shook his head. “Anyway, I’ll tell you about it later.”
Amy’s heart startled to life, rattling with anticipation. More than anything she wanted them to have a later.
“That’s not what I called you over to talk about,” Josh continued.
Right. Was this it? Should she prepare herself for the blow? Amy wasn’t sure anything could prepare her. She’d been hurt by Tru, but losing Josh would be different. It would devastate her. She hadn’t wanted to admit that to herself, hadn’t wanted to face the heartbreak before she had to, but now there was nowhere to hide.
“How is the…” Josh looked down between them, his voice softening. “How is the baby?”
“Baby’s doing well.” She flattened her hand against her stomach. “I had an appointment with a doctor the other day.” Did he even want to know these things if this was over? His eyes found hers and held them. “Up in Bronco. She did a bunch of tests. Everything’s right on track.”
“That’s great news. Did you get… I mean… Is it too soon for an ultrasound?”
“Doc gave me one.” She cleared her throat. “I got to hear the heartbeat.” I wanted you to hear it too. I wished you were there, seeing this baby. Our baby?
Josh’s hands tightened around her elbows. “And the doc said it sounded good?”
“She said everything’s perfect. I worried a bit, not having realized I was pregnant, that I might have hurt the baby hauling around stuff at the feed store or riding around on Bitsy. But she said everything’s okay. Just no more horseback riding until this little one comes.”
“Guess we’ll have to find something else to keep you occupied on the ranch.”
Amy opened her mouth, closed it. Did he mean that or was he trying to let her down easy?
“I’m sorry it took me so long to call,” Josh said. “Truly.”
“No, it’s okay… It’s…” Her voice broke, and Josh reached for her, gathering her into his arms. Amy melted against him. The embrace felt right, like coming home, and her insides twisted so painfully she just barely managed to bite back a sob. She was clinging to a thread of hope, but this reunion still felt so tentative. Would Josh really hold her like this while ending things?
“I wanted to call you every day. But every time I picked up my phone, I chickened out.” He wove his fingers through hers. “Who knew something so simple could be so scary?”
“I assumed all this time that you had been questioning whether you could raise another man’s child. Or whether you even wanted to have kids at all. That’s a big question to answer. So I wanted to give you time and space to think about it, or else I would have called too.”
“I’ve known for a while now that I wanted a family. A wife. A couple kids running around the ranch, hearing their laughter spill across the pasture. Keeping them from getting up to mischief.” He chuckled softly to himself. “Well, some of it, at least.”
Amy let out a strangled breath, swiping at the single tear that slipped free. He painted a beautiful picture, but just because he wanted a wife and kids didn’t mean he wanted her. “If it wasn’t the baby that kept you away, then was it me?”
“God, no, Amy!” He cupped her jaw, running his thumb over her cheek. “Mostly I was thinking that it’s a little hard to compete when your opponent is an internationally renowned heartthrob. I can’t jet you off to private islands or shower you with luxuries. Not the way Tru could. And I guess I didn’t feel good enough for you. I also sort of thought that by fighting for you, I might be depriving you of the life you and this baby could have had with Tru.”
“Good enough for me?” Amy practically choked on the words. “Oh, Josh. You’re too good for me if anything.”
“Amy—”
“I’m serious.” Amy couldn’t believe that’s what he’d been worrying about. “Tru and the jet-setting were a distraction from what I really wanted out of life. It was never real. It was never going to be anything. We were never going to work.”
“So what do you really want out of life?”
“Someone solid and down-to-earth. Someone who’s going to be there for me, that wants to be there for me.” Not someone that was running around the globe, chasing fame. At one point she’d thought that Tru was something special, but now she knew he wasn’t a real hero. He wasn’t the kind of guy who would tend to her when she was sick, or make her laugh till she cried, or even ask her what she was thinking. “Until I met you, I didn’t even realize what I was missing out on. And now, I can’t imagine my life without you. I know that’s a selfish thing to say, considering the circumstances.”
“It’s not,” Josh assured her. “I promise it’s not.”
Amy plowed on. Whatever happened now, at least she could say she’d told Josh exactly how she felt. “I’ve done a lot of thinking lately, and the globe-trotting life is fine, for some. Maybe even for me, once upon a time. But that was then, and this is now. Now I want a quiet life…with you. Something simple and happy.”
“Amy, that’s all I wa—”
“Wait,” she said. “Please. I just want to say that I also understand if you don’t want to be a parent to this baby. I know you said you want kids, but maybe you want your own children, and that’s okay. But I am going to have this baby, and if you’re not all in, I won’t hold it against you. It’s a big change and a lot of responsibility in a short amount of time. It’s asking for twice the commitment and we both know how new this still is between us. There is no pressure.” Everything shook—her voice as she forced the words out, her hands where they clutched his sides, her chest as her heart rattled uncontrollably. She was almost dizzied by the intensity of her feelings. By how much these words hurt her to say. “We can part as friends.”
“No,” Josh said immediately. “We can’t be friends.”
Amy just looked at him, silently wishing and pleading, wanting him to choose her.
“I’m not young and na?ve,” he continued. “I spent a long time looking after a piece of land, wondering what my dad really meant when he said all that mattered is having good people to call home. But now I finally understand. You’re my home, Amy. I know it’s soon, but I also know my mind and my heart, and I love you too much to ever let us just be friends. And I will love this baby too, if you’ll let me. So, in case it’s not clear yet, I’m all in.”
“Josh—” Her voice trembled.
“And I’ve already told my mom you’re my person. She’s really excited to meet you.” He grinned. “Please don’t make me go back on my word.”
A laugh of disbelief tore up her throat, and Amy dove into his arms. This time she couldn’t stop the tears that flooded down her cheeks. They were happy tears, though. Tears of joy. She tilted her face up and kissed him. Again and again. She kissed him in a way that hopefully told him there was no one else in the world for her.
She kissed him until he knew just how much she loved him too.