Chapter 24
24
M y alarm goes off around seven the next morning. I groan, and reach my hand above my bed to grab it off the ledge I charge my phone on while I sleep , when it encounters a head full of short blonde hair. Kendall spent the night. Well, shit.
I push the button on the side of my phone, silencing the alarm.
“Did you know you snore?” Kendall’s morning voice is gravelly and if it’s possible, sexier. “Cute little snores,” he amends at my look.
The mattress groans as I sink back into the bed. Back into the spot next to Kendall. Back to where his arm wrapped around my body, holding me most of the night. “I do not snore. Shut up.”
“Mmm. I can think of several ways you could shut me up,” he says, his eyes on my chest as I lay back down.
I have these flaming visions of him licking my nipple through my thin pajama top and holy hell, I’m halfway to thirsty. “Good morning to you too, Kendall.” I say with forced moderation.
He breathes out a sigh and blinks down at me before a shy grin steals across his lips. He leans down, gives me a peck on the corner of my mouth and then one on the top of my head. “Good morning, Helena.”
“Clara will be here in about fifteen to go do our workout together,” I say.
He nods, and the mattress groans as he rolls to the side of the bed. At some point during the night I shed my sweatshirt and he shed his vest. I don’t know at what point we just gave up the pretense of him going home. Probably around the time he went to retrieve our phones from the bathroom and crawled under my duvet. Our clothes are spread around my bed, he has to dig under it to find his vest.
His shoes mingle with mine by my desk, his bag slung over my desk chair. It’s…intimate the way our things lay together in my room.
I just slept with Kendall.
Not just slept. Spooned. Snuggled. Adhered.
This is unexpected on so many levels. Needing a moment to gather my wits, I slide off the short end of my bed and walk the several steps to the bathroom. The reflection that greets me in the minuscule bathroom is shocking. My cheeks are pink. My eyes are feverishly bright. My hair tumbles out of its bun with lazy curls fanning around my face. Honestly, I look like I’m on drugs.
Cold water on my face is all I have time for, though I wish I could shower. I swear I can still smell Kendall on my skin and it’s seriously messing with my brain. I shuck my pajamas and rummage in my hamper for yesterday’s workout clothes. Zero way I’m walking into my room naked, or changing in front of him.
By the time I reemerge in my shorts and sports bra, Kendall is dressed again in his vest and jacket, sitting in my desk chair.
“So you’re still going to work out?” He asks, his eyes making a perusal of my frame that fans the embers of our…activities last night.
“I’m not going to miss two days in a row,” I answer, keeping my eyes steadfastly on the running shoes I’m lacing up.
Kendall coughs, likely remembering how we both managed to get our cardio in shortly before midnight. “Yeah, well. That’s not what I meant.”
I look up from tying my laces and cock an eyebrow at him. “Okay, what did you mean?”
He watches as I climb to my feet and approach the desk as if there’s a wild animal sitting there. The library book he stole from me sits front and center on my desk, as if it’s been mine all along. A peace offering, apparently. I snatch my hair tie off the corner of the desk and start to tie my hair up on top of my head for my run.
He reaches out and stays my hand, plucking the hair tie from my fingers. My hair tumbles down, covering my face, and I blow ineffectually at the strands covering my vision. “Not helping ,” I grouse. “Seriously, Kendall, Clara is going to be here any minute.”
“Can’t I just enjoy the minutes we have before she gets here?”
I pause as his fingers cup the back of my head, threading through my hair. By the time he clears the strands from my vision, I’m standing between his legs, just in front of my desk chair. His hands run through my hair, and I understand his intent now. Shifting my weight to keep from reaching out and feeling his shoulders, I huff out a breath. “Okay, look. I know last night was fun, but we can’t repeat that kind of workout.”
“Helena.”
“And I’ve got to get my headphones, and then my study bag because I have exams…” I’m babbling because holy shit, the way Kendall is just sitting there, hands in my hair, peering into my soul is setting me on edge.
“Helena. Look at me.”
I yank my eyes up from the floor to meet his. Steel with molten centers. Cocky. Arrogant. “I’m looking,” I challenge him.
“I thought we talked about this last night.”
I cut my eyes to the side. “Yeah, well, we talked about a lot last night. Wait, is this about Clara?”
He blows out a frustrated breath. “No. God, Helena.” He lowers his voice. “You don’t have to meet up with Clara anymore if you’re backing out. That’s all I’m saying.”
I stare at him. And then I blink slowly. “Backing…out?”
He nods like I’m slow. “You can still go study. And next week when I’m back from the trip, we’ll talk about what is next.”
“About what’s next?” I shake my head, and pull it free of his fingers. “I’m sorry, what ?”
Something in his gaze hardens. “Why do you think I came here and told you all that stuff?”
I cough out a laugh. “Oh, I don’t know, because you cared about me knowing about my grandfather, about All Saints, and about me knowing—” I cut off, not sure how to quantify his coming clean about liking me in high school. “—about the misunderstanding.”
He stares at me, and his hands drop to my waist, and then run over my butt to the back of my thighs, exposed thanks to my running shorts. “Our…misunderstanding.”
I take in a shaky breath as his hands slowly skim up to the line where my shorts sit. His thumb strokes the crease of my butt cheek, and then back down my leg. “Yeah. You know. About the closet.”
His eyes are glued to mine. “That’s what you got out of last night? That we had a misunderstanding?”
Goosebumps chase themselves up and down my body, and I shift on my feet, restless to relieve the waves of sensation he’s creating. I clear my throat. “I…last night was…illuminating. But Kendall, I can’t afford the rest of my education here. And while I appreciate you coming clean about your…attraction, it’s not like I can just change my plan because you like me. I appreciate the heads up about everything else. I really do. I’ll be careful in navigating now that I know.”
He’s pulling me closer, sliding his hands back up my legs, and this time, he palms both of my ass cheeks. Fire licks at my insides. How can this person just ignite me? Even when I’m determined to keep my cool? His entitlement to my body should piss me off. It does. Really, it does. But that anger is what has fueled my lust for him before, and it’s like my body cannot separate the drug and the addiction.
“You think that what I have is a crush?” Kendall looks me square in the eye. “Helena, I think about you every day. I want you every day . I have watched you, and wanted you and no one else since I was fourteen. Since before then, since you handed me the last apple juice in third grade at the Valentine’s Day party.”
I swallow. Because I feel like he’s dangerously close to admitting something I am definitely not ready to hear. “Lust doesn’t make a relationship, Kendall.”
He leans in toward me, maintaining eye contact. “Want to bet?”
I clear my throat. “That is not how I operate.”
Goddamn it, that sounded breathy. And almost like a question.
He leans in and instead of kissing me, licks my neck from throat hollow up to where my pulse is racing. And just as he lifts the pressure, he bites me. Hard .
My heart rate climbs, and my watch beeps, congratulating me on starting my workout.
I pull back and stare at him. At the cocky look on his face and I just want to smack him. First of all because I liked it. Second of all, well, the second one can be because I want him to do it again. But third of all, because he’s an asshole . And maybe he thinks that because he’s caught feelings, or caught guilt, or whatever he thinks is going on that it erases the years of hell he put me through. Or robbing me of my potential future. It should be my decision if I proceed in All Saints, no one else’s. And certainly not his.
But if he keeps touching me, I’m going to lose my conviction and I’m going to throw him on my bed and take off his pants to test the theory that sex is a perfectly fine place to start a relationship.
I close my eyes. This isn’t who I am. This is hormones. Kendall has developed some sort of savior complex like I’m a damsel in distress.
“I’m not quitting,” I say to him, taking a step back. Forcing myself to drop my hands from where they’ve somehow found their way to his shoulders. This is my enemy, I tell myself. My incredibly sexy , confusing as hell enemy. It has to be that way if I’m going to function.
When he opens his mouth to argue, I hold up a hand to stop him. And then I lean over and grab my gym bag and sling it over my shoulder. “Look, that next test’s paycheck could keep me here at Oxford. Even without All Saints. These are my dreams, Kendall. I won’t sacrifice my dreams or future because of you say you have regrets about being an asshole in high school.”
He reaches out and grabs my wrist as I turn to the door. “I won’t be able to protect you.”
“I didn’t ask you to.”
His eyes harden. “They’ll use you . Against me.”
I scoff, pulling my hair back into a high pony and yanking my hair tie so tight it hurts. “Here we go again, back to how it will affect you . Do you care about other people? Ever?” His gaze turns angry and he surges to his feet, towering over me. I go toe to toe with him, righteous in my anger. “Or do you just try to intimidate everyone if they don’t do what you want?”
Fire burns in his eyes. “You have no idea what I want to do to you, Helena.”
I give him a wicked smile. I have to get him off balance if he’s going to leave me alone. “I have a pretty good idea. Does it bother you that I’m walking away from it? That I’m telling you it’s not enough for you to want me? That I have higher standards than some one night stand that will cost me my entire life’s plan?”
He looks like he’s going to grab my hair and drag me to my bed. I’m ashamed to admit the idea excites me. It’s horrific how anger focuses our lust. It should be all the red flag I need to steer me as far away from him as I can.
“It. Isn’t. Just. Lust.” He grinds out, mastering himself.
I lean in and am gratified to see him sway towards me. I squint one eye and curve my lips up. “Prove. It.”
He’s speechless so I lean down and grab my book bag. Before I can straighten, he’s at my door, blocking my exit.
“Move,” I say, willing myself to look bored.
“I won’t be able to prove it to you if you stay in All Saints. There’s training. There’s… I’ll have to throw my father off, make him believe it’s not you that’s my weakness. I—won’t be able to be nice.”
I eye him, because he seems truly distressed. And yet, it’s still not enough to give up my paycheck. My way to a life I want. I can do hard things.
“Back out now, let me finish what I started and then we can be together. You’ll just have to wait a little bit. Don’t let them use this organization against us.”
Wait for this man? This guy who treated me so terribly even though he says he was head over heels for me? Nope. In fact it’s going to be good for both of us if I end this now.
“They won’t.” I say, as I reach around him and open the door. He’s forced to the side as it swings open, and I step right up next to him, look him dead in the eye and say, “because you’re forgetting that while I might be your kryptonite? You’re. Not. Mine.”