15
At dinner we sat around the island in the kitchen and ate Chinese takeout. Alex and Levi fought over the last fortune cookie until Nathan wrestled it away and ate it.
"Bloody hell!" Levi scowled, flicking rice at him with the plastic fork.
"All the luck in the world won't save you now, you goddamned thief. I know where you sleep!" Alex said, pouring several packets of soy sauce onto Nathan’s food as he laughed uproariously.
Rome chuckled a bit before focusing on finishing his almond chicken. He was a finicky eater and gathered highly particular bits of food one spoonful at a time. Whatever he didn't eat I reached over to take for myself, so he scooted his plate closer for easy access.
"Look at him now! That's exactly what you get! Instant karma!" Alex yelled, mocking Nate who suddenly thought he was going to be sick.
"All regret now, aren't we?" I chimed in, earning a pack of duck sauce to the face.
I noticed Rome had started in on his rice, but not before picking away the beansprouts first.
"You don't like it?"
"What are they?" He lifted one for examination on the tip of his fork.
"Beansprouts, mate."
"Sprouts?"
"Yeah, never heard of them?"
"No... not that I can remember. Looks like worms, yeah?"
"I should've asked them to hold ‘em, sorry."
"All good, man. I'll just put em aside, then. No harm done."
He meticulously picked each sprout out of the rice and scarfed down the rest.
"Arghhh..." Nate groaned. "I'm really gonna be sick, bois. Bechod!" He fired off a few farts, following which we all cursed and left the table.
“Fuck’s sake!” I cried, wildly fanning a takeout menu.
"Sick bastard!" Levi said, pulling his shirt up over his nose and collecting his leftovers to eat in the lounge. I fetched the air freshener.
"Don't kill him, bro!" Rome said, laughing when I created an ocean breeze force field around the culprit with the aerosol.
"He'll live, trust me.”
Nate choked and fell to the floor.
Later, with the help of Alex, I washed the few dishes we’d used and joined the others in the lounge to watch Final Destination 5.
Levi had seen it already in theaters and was itching to give spoilers, but each time he looked like he might, Alex slammed a hand over his mouth and everyone cracked up.
I was sat next to Nathan who had been farting silently and hoped I couldn't tell.
He really was sick. I grabbed him some digestive relief my mum bought for stomachaches and let him have the couch to himself.
I joined Rome on the floor where we lay on our stomachs, and soon he lay half atop my back, head propped on my shoulder.
He grew heavier as he fell asleep, and the pressure of it was more satisfying than I could fathom.
We were comfortable sleeping beside each other now; rarely ever drifting apart.
Every night we were like magnets, colliding and clinging like our chemistry depended on it.
From where I lay, chin propped atop my folded arms, I could smell the carpet deodorizer and one of the boys' reeking feet.
It wasn't Rome's. He never smelled. He was too self-conscious to ever smell bad. He took pains during his grooming—mainly with his breath. It finally dawned on me that it was Alex’s feet.
They always smelled because he refused to wear socks and they sweated profusely.
I buried my nose into the crook of my arm and lost interest in the movie.
Rome shifted a few times but only snuggled closer, awakened by loud sequences in the film.
After the fourth time, he murmured against my shoulder and asked if I wanted to go to bed.
Something about the familiarity in the question, the coziness in his tone, the promise of snuggles and secret kisses made me weak with anticipation.
Soon, he was on his feet and helping me to mine.
We made excuses and left halfway through the film, barely managing to refrain from holding hands until we were out of sight.
The minute we bent the corner, his fingers searched for mine in the gloom of the hall, interlocking them, and I could feel that he was quivering too.
After entering and shutting the door, we left the lights off and kissed until we grew weak.
He pressed my back against the wall as I writhed beneath the pressure of his hands.
I accidentally knocked a few things from the shelf adjacent to the door, but didn’t care.
I couldn't worry whether anything had broken, not when he had begun to undress me.
He hadn’t done that before. I’d always undressed myself—and something about us kissing standing up felt deeply transgressive. He pulled my shirt over my head, and each time our mouths met, we were one step closer to going all the way, even though I had no idea what that might entail with a guy.
Since it was the first time we’d snogged standing up, we clawed at each other's bodies, savoring full access to the parts that had gone unpetted.
He unfastened my pants, pushing them and my briefs off my hips.
Then he grabbed my bare ass so hard I panicked and broke the kiss.
He snatched me back in, sucking on my tongue, caressing my ass so amorously I had premonitions of him being inside. Holy shit.
My semi flopped about, brushing his clothes, and the sensation raked my spine.
Weren’t we in this together? Weren’t we equals?
Why was he still clothed? This was strange new territory for us.
Very adult and infatuated. Things were also imbalanced.
And I couldn’t shake the feeling we were on the brink of something irrevocable.
Panting, he reluctantly slid his hands back up to my waist, sensing something was off. I covered my cock, hiding my face in the crook of his neck.
"You alright?"
"Yeah...I think so..." I whispered. "M’sorry."
"Too fast?" He stroked my naked belly.
I nodded, but he didn't force me to explain. Instead, he walked me over to the bed, sitting me atop.
“Better?”
“Mm-hm.”
"Sleep?"
"Please…" I said, kicking my pants all the way off and watching him undress.
I just needed a break from it all. A minute to reset. Things felt like they were moving differently between us now, and I didn't want to do something either of us would regret come morning. Something that might change the way we viewed ourselves forever.
We slept in nothing but our briefs, and he spooned me properly for the first time.
The charm of his hard arms around me, of his chest against my back, his heart thumping against my shoulder blade—it was too wonderful to process.
I wanted to bottle the feeling and save it for nights I’d be alone.
More alone than normal, since I now knew what it was like to share an intimate space with someone you cared for, several nights in a row. The deprivation would be murderous.
I could barely catch my breath when he shifted, his bulge pressing into me.
It was the sort of casual intimacy I’d always dreamt of, and now I shared it with him.
With Rome. It still didn't seem real. I finally knew what it was like to be kissed deeply.
To be held, to be undressed, to be wanted by a man—beyond logic, beyond reason, beyond my depth.
And I never wanted to go back now. He held me like there was no tomorrow.
Like we'd already been together for years.
But as I opened my eyes and stared at the nothingness before me, I realized this was deluded at best. I had no idea what the future would hold, but something dark warned me he wouldn't be holding me like this in a decade's time.
***
One morning my mum visited and cooked us waffles and bacon, which was a welcome change since we had exhausted the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Rome drank coffee and I finished what he couldn't of his waffles because he had a stomachache.
He asked if my mum would be upset if he excused himself to take a nap, and I assured him she'd understand.
He kissed her on the cheek as he made his way out of the kitchen, and she told me to take him ginger ale whenever he woke.
I filmed a few confessionals for the documentary before heading outside to mow the lawn. My dad's riding mower took a few tries to get going, but soon it was rattling me along the lawn for the next half an hour. I contemplated what was next on the itinerary when we got back to London.
Nathan came out and chatted with me a bit as I cleaned everything up, and told me his mum was pissed at me for getting him sick the other night.
“She was absolutely tamping, she was. Said food poisoning killed me great-uncle.”
"Mate, maybe if you didn't eat everything in sight, you'd be ok?"
"You're one to talk, butt, you steal food from everybody all the time."
"Well at least I don't get myself sick, now do I, mate?"
He conceded I had a point and laughed his hysterical laugh.
We talked about him repairing his guitar string which popped off the other day.
He’d rigged it good enough to work for now, and said he'd have a shop take a look at it when we returned to London.
Later he and I walked to the store in town and ran into Alex and Levi, the former getting a piggyback ride from the latter.
"Giddy-up! C'mon, lad. Look alive!" Alex shouted.
"I can't, mate! You're proper heavy! My knees are givin’ out!"
"It's all in his bum!" Nathan chuckled as we approached.
"You two have no shame.”
I snooped through their bags while they were distracted. There were loads of snacks so I took what I wanted because they couldn't stop me.
"Damn it, Rafe!” Alex cried. “I wanted those! I've been thinking about them all night."
"Better luck next time!" I said, opening the white chocolate biscuits he always swore by.
"Save me one at least!"
"I'll do you one better, mate, I'll save you two!" I let out an evil cackle.
Levi staggered beneath Alex’s weight as we made our way down the street, slowly being recognized by the crowd.
“Absolutely heaving this way,” Nate said.
A few girls stopped us for a photo, and we knew it was a sign we needed to head out before a mob formed. I imagined they were already calling in the reserves, passing around our location with all the diligence of a military reconnaissance troop.
"It's getting thick out here, boys.” Levi said. “I think we better split."
"Like this plumber's crack staring uz right in the face!" I laughed, pulling Alex's pants up over his bum where they’d slipped down to reveal more than we were comfortable with.
"You love it!" he scoffed. "Take it all in, Ralph!"
In a flash Nathan jumped onto his back, and Levi was brought to his knees beneath their combined weight. When they dropped to the ground, I dogpiled everyone with a triumphant shout, but was quickly flipped over onto the ground. My back slammed against the pavement with a thud.
"Fuck’s sake…"
***
As instructed, I went to check on Rome, hoping to greet him with a cold ginger ale, but each time I knocked he was still out cold.
Sometime in the early evening, I knocked and he finally answered.
I entered and he was lying on his side, facing the door with a tiny smile.
He had keyed up one of my old mixes in the CD Player, and Blaze Foley's "Oooh Love" crooned softly about the room.
As I approached, he stretched his arms out in a weak display. I went back to lock the door, then hurried to snuggle him. Relishing the weak noises he emitted when he wrapped his arms around me. He dug his fingers into my hair, massaging my scalp.
"Hi..." I sighed.
"Hi..." he mimicked me, making fun of how husky my voice was.
Something bubbled up within me I couldn't quite contain. I pressed my lips to his—warm, plush, inviting.
"I missed you..." he muttered against my temple.
"Missed you too. I was worried."
"M'okay, babe. What'd you bois do without me?"
"Uh...just sort of messed around in town a little. Filmed a few bits here and there—"
"The crew's gone?"
"Mm-hm. They said they'll catch up with you tomorrow though."
"Tomorrow's the last day, innit?"
"Yep," I said, cold with regret.
"Your mum was great, babe. I wanted to thank her before she left. She's a doll."
"Yeah, she is. And it's ok, she knows how grateful you always are."
I lay atop him from head to toe, propping my chin against his chest. Then I realized it was the first time he’d called me babe.
The thought of him addressing me that way in private was a delight too wicked to bear.
When we were around others, I knew he'd go back to calling me things that were suitable.
But this only made his decision to call me babe all the more heartfelt.
"Am I your babe?" I muttered against his chin.
"Of course."
"Are you mine?"
"If you want me to be. Wanna try it out?"
"Babe..." I said, but it wasn't nearly as good as his. Mine would take some practice to deliver the same impact. "Baby..." I tried instead. Softly like he’d done.
"Even better,” he chuckled.
I smelled the fabric softener on the sheets because my mum had washed all our linen. It lent the moment a strange serenity.
"Baby..." I whispered again, playing with his lips.
I meditated on the rise and fall of his chest against mine. Blaze's "If I Could Only Fly" scored the moment.
"You hungry?" I wondered. He shook his head. "You sure? You haven't eaten since, uh, what? Yesterday?" I pulled away to look him in the eye. "You've gotta be starving, Rome."
"No appetite, really."
"Here..." I reached and opened the ginger ale. He took a few sips and gave me a taste before setting it down and curling on his side. I fell over in front of him.
"Rafe?" he hesitated, before shutting his eyes.
"Hm?"
"…I love you, okay?"
My heart sped. I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat, glad he couldn't see. After a while I found the courage to respond.
"Hey, uh...I love you too, ok?" He crushed me closer. As we rested in the evening quiet, Van Morrison's, "I'll Be Your Lover, Too" filled the room.
Despite him being the first to say it, I had no idea what was in store for me.
Those three little words cemented whatever we’d discovered in reality.
Yet, we had no idea it would be succeeded by so many petty takebacks.
So much vitriol. So many nights spent alone out of spite, pride, jealousy, and anger.
So often denying our feelings to save face.
Fronting that it was only a lukewarm attraction we indulged with the utmost apathy.
Neither of us wanted to confess the scale of our desperation, or the depth of our need, or our levels of devotion to the idea of us.