Chapter 74 Jane
Jane
It’s dusk. The sun is hovering behind the pines, casting jagged shadows on the ground. I’m up at the vineyard, waiting for Luke.
We agreed earlier today to meet up here at sunset so we could be together. We can’t risk making out in his shed, getting caught; it’s too close to our cabin. To prying eyes.
We all just finished dinner, and I told everyone that I needed to get some space, do something with myself other than worry about Blair.
I am worried about Blair. Sick over it. But staying cooped up in the cabin with everyone won’t help a thing.
I drag my basket to a fresh row, twist berries off the vine. The cicadas have started their nightly chorus, buzzing so loudly that I don’t hear Luke until he’s standing at the end of the row.
“Anybody see you?” I ask.
“I don’t think so. I acted like I was going to the woodshed, then snuck around back. Walked behind the trees by the fence.”
Luke walks over to me, pulls me up. He kisses my neck, his lips moving down my arm until he’s reached my wrist. I shiver. It’s been a little while since we’ve been together; it feels so good.
I bring his hand up to my mouth, nibble on his fingers.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he moans.
Now my mouth is on his, kissing him, his hands fumbling with my dress.
He breaks apart, drags a hand down my face. “You, Jane Swift, are amazing.”
I grin up at him. My heart thumps against my rib cage.
“I have something to tell you. Some good news. No,” he adds, flipping his bangs out of his eyes, “some great news. And, well, some bad news. What do you wanna hear first?”
My heart bangs even faster. What could he be talking about? “The great news first.”
“We are going to New York. And we can leave as soon as you want.” His eyes are serious, skittering over my face.
“Like, before I finish senior year?”
“Yes! You can finish there if you want. You’re eighteen, so you’re free.”
“But, like, how?”
Luke tugs his chain wallet out of his pocket. Flips it open. Pinches out some bills. Five hundreds, which he fans out. “And this is just the first of it. I have five grand in the bank. Should clear by tomorrow.”
My jaw drops; my mouth hangs open. I’m wondering if he’s robbed a store or something. Anxiety shoots through me. “Luke, how? Where did you get this?”
“Well, that’s the bad news part.” He combs a hand through his hair, exhales. “Ready?”
“I’m not sure.”
“It’s about Nellie.”
Did he steal from her? From her house, at the party?
“I don’t understand. What would this have to do with Nellie?” The sawing of the cicadas is so loud, I feel the need to shout at him. For this and other obvious reasons.
“Well, her mom paid me today. I know this is gonna sound crazy, but it’s how we have the money to live our dream. It’s enough to get us there, get our own place—”
“But paid you for what?”
“She wants me to take Nellie out on a date—”
“What?”
“Just one date. That’s it. A few hours. Nothing more.”
My head spins. I don’t know what to think. This is crazy. And that woman is fucking insane! “Does Nellie know?”
“No! That’s the thing. No one can know. I wasn’t supposed to tell a soul. So keep it hush-hush.”
I feel ill, thinking of him out with Nellie. “But you won’t have to, like, touch her?”
“No. None of that. I just have to take her out. And then you and I will be free. We can leave next week, seriously.”
I look through the woven vines, down at our little cabin.
Think of Pa inside—I’ll miss him for sure, and baby Molly—but when I think of Mom and Julia, well, fuck it, I quickly realize I can’t get out of here fast enough.
Can’t miss this opportunity to be with Luke.
In New York City! Together, without worrying who will know about us.
Nobody will care! Nobody will be watching us, spying, judging.
“Say you’re in!” Luke’s eyes dance over my face; his hand clutches my wrist.
“Yes! But one date and that’s it. And then we leave next week.”
“God, this makes me so happy. I hate it here,” Luke says, laughing.
“Not as much as I do!” I laugh back, my eyes filling with tears.
He tugs me into him, cradles me, starts kissing me again. My vision swims with stars.
He snakes his hands under my dress, thumbs down the top of my panties.
It feels so good, it’s almost excruciating—I could scream—but I chew the bottom of my lip instead, my hips moving against his hand.
Luke is so delicate with me; I can’t wait to finally go all the way with him.
But I’ll wait until we’re in New York, in our own bed, safe. It’ll be all the more special then.
“That feels so good,” I purr in his ear.
“That’s all I want to do, make you feel good.”
His lips are on my neck again, grazing, his fingers moving over me so deliciously, I can’t help it any longer—I let out a moan. “Don’t stop.”
A snapping branch jolts us both, causes Luke to pull away his hand, the sudden absence of which makes me want to cry.
My heart leaps in my throat. Who is out here with us?
Then I see her, at the end of the lane, scowling.
Mom.
“The hell do you think you’re doing out here, young lady?” She’s marching toward me, fists swinging by her side.
Luke steps away. “We were just—”
“You stay out of this,” she hisses.
He jams his hands in his back pockets, but thank God, he doesn’t budge.
Mom’s shaking as she reaches for me, wrenches me close. “Answer me!” she practically screams.
Luke clears his throat, tries to step toward us, but Mom turns on him. “You get out of my sight. Right now! Go to your shed.”
“Uh—”
“Now!” Mom snaps.
He ambles away, shooting me one last glance before he leaves.
“I did not raise you to be a whore!”
“Ha! You’re one to talk!” I spew at her, thinking about her fight with Pa, the way she threw herself at Mr. Andersen in the store.
“What are you talking about?” she yells through clenched teeth, the bandanna on her head soaked in sweat. But there’s recognition in her eyes, too.
“Oh, don’t play coy, Mom. Not with me. I know what you’ve been doing with Mr. Andersen—” I don’t even get the rest of my words out… Her palm strikes my cheek, swiftly, landing hard.
I stagger back a few feet.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. And don’t try to change the subject. I saw Luke’s hands up your dress, saw what y’all were doing. You stay up in your loft, young lady; you are grounded.”
“My ass, I’m grounded. You can’t control me anymore. I’m old enough—” Another slap silences me. This one is much harder.
“It’s for your own good. But you know what?” Mom tosses her hands up in the air, like a deranged person, and says, “What do I care? You’re just like her. A whore.”
She turns to leave, but I claw at her arm, even get a little skin under my nails. Good. “Who, Mom? Who are you talking about?” I screech back at her.
A venomous grin creeps across Mom’s face; I’ve never seen her look uglier than she does in this moment. “Your mother.”
My mother? What the hell is she talking about?
“What the hell are you talking about?” I repeat, this time out loud.
She scoffs, toes the ground, kicks up a clump of dirt. “She was a whore, too. You’re just like her.”
I feel like someone’s grabbed me by the ankles, is dangling me upside down, shaking me. “You’re a liar.”
“Ha! I wish.” She shakes her head slowly, that wicked grin still slithering across her face. “Jane, didn’t you ever wonder why you don’t look like me? Or your sister? Why, you know, you look—”
“Pretty?” I fire at her.
“No. Sluttier. Dirty.”
Dueling emotions tumble inside me. First, I feel like my whole world has been tilted on its side.
Who am I? But also, there’s elation. Liberation.
This means I’m not the spawn of Mom. And the fact I’ve always felt like an outsider with her and Julia, now I get it.
Now I understand why she’s always despised me.
But if I’m not hers, then…whose am I?
“Is Pa my father?” My voice trembles as I ask this question. Please, please let her say yes.
“’Course. Only reason I kept you.”
“Well, who is my real mother? And where is she?”
“I’m done with you for now. Go ask your good ol’ pa.”