Chapter 76 Nellie
Nellie
Smoke from my clove cigarette swirls above my head, then wriggles out the window.
I still can’t believe it; that’s why I’m still up, smoking, processing it.
Earlier today I was locked in my room, hiding from Mom, who is a freaking mess right now. I heard Blair woke up yesterday, and now there’s this whole deal with the police and them thinking that what happened to Blair wasn’t an accident.
Mom told me about it at breakfast, her crazy eyes burning holes into my face as she manically talked, like she was trying to get me to fess up without coming out and asking me directly.
God, she’s so annoying.
I just rolled my eyes, grabbed my Pop-Tart, and stormed out of the room.
Then the phone rang, and it was Luke. Luke!
“Nellie! You have a call!” Mom shouted up the stairs. “It’s that boy Luke!”
I felt like I’d heard her wrong. My hands shaking, I picked it up.
“So…you wanna hang out tonight or something?” His voice made my insides explode, my vision blurry.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, trying to not sound too excited. I mean, we hadn’t really talked since I caught him in the woods with Blair, so I didn’t want to sound desperate. “And do what?”
“I dunno. I just thought with all this stuff going on with Blair, you might be stressed, need a break. So I could pick you up. We could go somewhere and drink. Just us?”
Just us.
And all the stuff going on with Blair… I wanted to ask, Is she your girlfriend? Aren’t you all twisted up? But I bit my tongue. I didn’t care about it right that second because he was asking me out!
I could hardly breathe. “Um, yeah, I guess that sounds cool.”
“I’ll pick you up at eight.”
How would I wait that long?
When Luke got here, his hair was freshly washed and still damp at the ends.
He was wearing the same ratty jeans he always does, but he’d put on what looked like a brand-new black T-shirt.
He looked so hot, I nearly fainted at the front door.
And then, from behind his back, he pulled out a small bouquet of wildflowers.
“Flowers, really?” I asked, kind of making fun of him because that’s so not my thing. Or his, I would think.
He laughed at this. “Yeah, like, whatever—”
I snatched them and handed them to Mom, who was hovering behind us like a witch on a broomstick.
“I would say to be back by midnight,” Mom said, speaking too loudly, embarrassing herself, and me, “but just enjoy yourselves!”
I rolled my eyes at her again before sliding into Luke’s Camaro.
He popped in Led Zeppelin IV, lit us both a clove before we were out of the drive. I looked over at him. Even the way he smokes is sexy, the muscles on his neck flexing when he takes in a long, hard drag.
I felt the urge again to ask him about Blair, to just straight up get it off my chest, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment, the night. I mean, he told me when I busted them together that it wasn’t what it looked like, but I don’t know. It sure looked like they were together to me.
He drove out to the edge of town, to the Circles.
Thank God, no one else was there.
He parked, killed the engine, but kept his stereo on.
From the back seat, he pulled out a six-pack of beer and a bottle of whiskey.
“Shots and beers? Sound good?” he asked, twisting open the whiskey.
“Hell yeah,” I said, grinning at him.
After two shots, I decided it didn’t really matter what he’d had going on with Blair. She’s pathetic and in the hospital; he was out with me.
He called me, brought me flowers, picked me up.
I took a third shot, the liquor burning my throat, numbing my nerves.
Luke drummed in time to the music on his steering wheel, his eyes intense, fiery.
I sipped at my beer, the can already warm from the heat, took big drags off my smoke.
Luke then flipped down his visor, slid out a joint. “Yeah?” he asked me, waving it around.
“Fuck yeah.”
This made him cackle. “I like you, Nellie Andersen. Mouth like a sailor, parties like one, too.”
I smiled so hard, I felt like my face was gonna split.
“You really surprise me, ya know that?” He lit the jay; sparks flew off the tip, down into his lap. He sucked on it, passed it over to me.
“Oh yeah, how so?” I took a huge hit, one that sent me into a coughing fit. After that, my vision had a film over it, and all the muscles in my body were relaxed.
“You’re not like the others. The other rich girls, I mean. They’re more—”
“Prissy? Stuck-up little bitches?” I said, filling in the blanks.
He laughed. “Yeah, somethin’ like that. It’s like you don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks of you, and I really admire that.”
“Oh, but I do give a shit—”
“You don’t show it, though.”
He took another drag off the joint, a huge one that sent smoke tumbling out of his mouth. “Why are you like this? I’ve seen your house, met your parents—”
“Oh my God, you mean my mother—”
“Yeah, she’s a trip—”
“That’s one way of puttin’ it—”
“But you’re, like, an outsider. Which tells me you’re goin’ places. So fuck this town and fuck these people in it and fuck what they think.” He shook his glossy hair. “I want you to remember that,” he said, his face looking sad all of a sudden.
He said it like this was our final night together, like I’d never see him again. “What do you mean? You goin’ somewhere?”
He spewed out more smoke, shivered even though it was ninety degrees outside. “Yeah, someday. Not today, but—”
“Where?”
“Where would you wanna go, if you could pick?” he asked, turning in his seat to face me. It almost felt like he was asking me, Where would you wanna go with me? Now I keep turning it over in my mind, picking his words apart, and this is what I’m choosing to believe he was asking.
“Europe. My dad’s family is from Sweden, and I love it there. It’s so chill, less judgy than here—”
“You’ve been to Sweden?” His eyes lit up, danced all over me, dropping to the top of my tank top, which I purposefully wore because it shows off my cleavage.
“Yeah, for a whole summer. It’s just,” I said, then exhaled, tried to come up with the coolest words, “different than America. Especially different than here. Like, everyone swims naked there, and it’s not this big deal; like, they don’t have the same hang-ups there. So, yeah. You’d love it.”
His face turned sad again. “I hope I can get there someday, then.”
He rested his arm on the console, inches away from mine. I stared at his forearm, ripped with muscles from all his woodworking and stuff, and my stomach dropped. I moved my arm closer so that it was touching his; it was as if there were electricity moving between us.
We sat like that for a second, both stoned, staring out the front windshield. Then Luke opened two more beers for us.
“Cheers?” He knocked his can against mine.
“Cheers!”
“This is nice. Like, I don’t even feel like I need to talk when I’m with you. I can just be.”
I squirmed in my seat. I wanted to take both our beers, pitch them out the window, and climb on top of him.
Instead, I downed mine as fast as I could, crunched the can in my fist, tossed it out the window.
“Damn, girl!” Luke smiled in approval. Then copied me.
After his can went flying, I leaned over, put my hand on the back of his neck. His mouth dropped open, and his eyes were all over me again, checking out my tits, my face. My heart drilled in my chest. I felt like I might faint again.
Then I leaned over even more, put my lips on his.
Kissed him.
And he kissed me back. Slowly, deliciously.
I was delirious inside, like fireworks-popping delirious.
But then he pulled away, shook his head. “Nellie, I—I can’t… I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, but—” His hands were balled in his lap.
What the fuck?
I wanted to grab him by the back of the neck again, continue making out. What did he mean he shouldn’t have done that? It felt so good, so right.
“It’s Blair, isn’t it?” I asked, tears stinging my eyes.
He dragged a hand through his hair, sighed. “No, it’s not Blair. Like I told you at your party, there’s nothing between us. Even though she wants there to be.”
“So what is it, then? And why bring me out here, just the two of us, if you didn’t want to make out, be with me? Is there something wrong with me?”
“God, no. That’s the problem. I like you. I meant it when I said that. But I’m already with someone else. I told you that before—”
“Yeah, but I assumed it was Blair. So, if it’s not her, then who?”
He grabbed the bottle of whiskey, took a long sip. Then another. “Fuck. I’m not supposed to tell anyone. But I feel like I can trust you.”
You can’t, but I’ll pretend like you can. I nodded.
“I’m with Jane. I’m in love with Jane.”
I felt like I’d been stabbed. In the eye.
Fucking Jane Swift. Of course.
“Ugh.” I couldn’t help it; it just came out.
“What? Jane is awesome—”
“Then why are you out here with me?” I practically screeched.
Luke shook his head, licked his lips like he was trying to work out a problem. We were both wasted by this point; I felt like I had cotton balls jammed in my ears. And in my mouth.
His eyes were bloodshot when he turned and looked at me dead-on. “I just wanted to hang out with you, because I do like you. As a friend. But this is confusing to me. I just didn’t expect to have, like, these kinds of feelings for you. But I am in love with Jane, and we shouldn’t have kissed.”
Any other normal girl would be sad at hearing this, but not me.
I am not normal.
Instead of hearing that he’s in love with someone else, with that ho, Jane, all I could hear was that he had feelings for me. All I could feel was his lips kissing me back.
He drove me home soon after, his Camaro crawling slowly up the drive. “I hope this doesn’t make things weird between us. I want to still be friends.”
I cracked open the door, held it with my foot. “Of course. It’s no big deal,” I said in the breeziest way possible, like he was crazy for even thinking that. “Thanks for a fun night.” I winked at him, then shut the door.
I can play it cool for now.
I know Luke really likes me. I will find a way to fuck things up with him and Jane.
Lighting up the last of the cloves he gave me, I suck in a lungful, hold it in, and let it burn.