Chapter 20 Liz #3
The afternoon stretched on in the same way, the hours blending together in an endless cycle of tasks repeated ad nauseum.
By the time Victoria stopped by after work, Liz was in a foul mood.
She tried to pretend otherwise, pasting on what she thought was a plucky smile, but Victoria saw right through her.
Liz quickly folded and told Victoria what had happened with Preston.
“The real issue, which I think you already know, is why you didn’t want to tell him about these huge things going on in your life,” Victoria said.
“I know,” Liz said miserably.
Charlie started crying in his bassinet and Liz looked over, dread gripping her insides as her focus shifted, but not by choice. “I just fed, changed, and burped him.” Liz had thought her long history of not knowing what a guy wanted from her might change with the arrival of her own son, but no.
“May I?” Victoria asked, gesturing towards the baby.
Liz nodded and Victoria picked up Charlie, cradling him in her arms and shushing him like she had done this a million times. Like she was a natural. Like she was the kind of mother Liz had thought she’d be. Charlie instantly quieted and mewed like a kitten.
“I swear, he’ll only do that for other people,” Liz said. “He hates me.”
“He does not. You’re exhausted,” Victoria said. “You haven’t slept in days and you just had this major confrontation with Preston, so now you’re emotionally drained on top of everything else. Why don’t you go lie down and I’ll watch Charlie for a while?”
Victoria didn’t wait for Liz to answer; she nestled into the rocking chair and rested Charlie on her baby bump, which was now large enough to signal that it was nearing the end of its tenure, but still small enough that it could provoke the wrath of every woman who gained more than thirty pounds when she was pregnant.
Charlie cooed happily and Liz watched Victoria smile into his adorable, traitorous face.
“Your baby will be here soon too,” Liz said. Victoria’s C-section was planned for the following week.
Victoria nodded. “I never thought I’d be bringing him into the world under these circumstances…
” She trailed off and Liz felt a stab of anger at her father for everything he had done to make such a mess of things and hurt so many people along the way.
But with this thought came another one, which was that he wasn’t solely to blame.
Angela had done her fair share, agent of chaos that she was, to create and contribute to the situation.
Liz stewed on it, and Victoria looked up before she could wipe the look of unhappiness from her face.
“Go rest. I promise, you’ll feel better if you sleep a little.”
Liz rose to her feet. “I’ll try. Thank you.”
She went into the bedroom and slipped under the covers, but it was like she had lost the ability to sleep.
Liz tossed and turned, aching with fatigue, trying everything—an eye mask, a sound machine app on her phone—but nothing worked.
She couldn’t get comfortable. Nothing would silence her negative thoughts and release her into slumber.
After forty-five minutes, Liz gave up and returned to Charlie’s room, where Victoria and the baby were sitting in the same contented position.
“You couldn’t sleep?” Victoria said.
Liz shook her head and collapsed onto the bed. “This isn’t what I thought it would be like.”
“Liz, you need to give yourself a break,” Victoria said. “You have so many hormones flooding through you right now. Your body just did something miraculous. You made a life and now you’re sustaining that life—you alone.”
“Don’t forget about the twenty Dodgers onesies we own now,” Liz said.
Victoria observed her thoughtfully for a moment.
Liz was past caring about how feral she looked.
She was more concerned about how she felt.
Because she felt as though she was irretrievably set on a course of failure.
Liz was failing to rise to the occasion of motherhood.
She was failing to be imbued with the sense of fulfillment she thought she would be.
She was failing to love her child properly.
“You really need to sleep,” Victoria said. “Being depleted like this isn’t good for anyone—you or Charlie. I didn’t get you a baby gift yet, so I’m getting you one now. I’m giving you a night nurse.”
“That’s too much,” Liz said. “I can’t let you do that.”
“You don’t have a choice. It’s a gift.”
“I know how much night nurses cost.”
“There’s no point in having money except to put it to good use,” Victoria said. “I’ve seen money tear families and marriages apart. I’ve seen it bring momentary satisfaction. Sometimes, even, the illusion of happiness. But honestly? Money only has real value when it can do something useful.”
Liz considered Victoria’s words, then said somberly, “I wanted to be good at this.”
“It doesn’t mean you’re not. There’s no shame in accepting help,” Victoria said.
They were both quiet for a moment. Liz looked at her friend as the setting sun sent shards of light crashing into the room through the slatted blinds.
“I used to think there was honor in doing everything alone,” Victoria said.
“But who’s handing out trophies for that?
And who really wants a prize for being great at being alone? ”
“I don’t know,” Liz said. “What about all those sayings about how we come into this world alone and we go out alone?”
“That’s about being okay with who you are. While we’re here, we’re not meant to be alone. We’re supposed to fill up our lives with people to love and with the stuff that gives us meaning.”
Slowly, Liz nodded at the friend she loved who had given her life so much meaning and hoped that this small moment of gratitude would be followed by others, that they would flow naturally rather than having to be excavated from a mine.
Liz fervently wished, as she had so many times in her life, that she could be a stronger, faster, better version of herself.
But now this hope was amplified. Liz glanced at her baby.
Now, her faults and inadequacies didn’t just affect her.
There was so much more at stake. She turned her gaze to Victoria.
She also had so much more in her corner.