Chapter 44 Harkin
Chapter forty-four
Harkin
The passage of days idled without the looming threat of forcibly stolen mágik, betrayal, and blood.
Save for Claudian, rotting away in the dungeons far below our feet, there was no evidence of the fight that had occurred.
The ballroom was pristine once more, glimmering white marble and the shining gold throne.
Claudian and Tarquin’s royal quarters remained untouched.
The dungeon door had been locked with finality, and a fresh grave swelled in the burial ground.
King Tarquin had been buried in a private ceremony. Only Ayla, Seren, and the council had been allowed to attend. The public still did not know of the king’s fate or what had happened between the members of the royal family.
Seren had been cloistered away with Ayla and the council for days, discussing the way forward for Acsilla.
While I waited, I spent the majority of my time with Théo.
The youngest council member was still weakened from his time in the dungeon, and the council encouraged him to take frequent breaks from their meetings—or to sit them out altogether.
They sent for him when his input was needed and allowed him the freedom to recover otherwise.
It quickly became clear to me that Théo sided with Ayla in all matters. His presence during the discussions was, therefore, mostly unnecessary.
“Ayla is my sister. We grew up together in this palace. She saved me, lifted me up when I had no one. When I was apart from my family, she was the one who made me feel happiness again. I owe everything to her,” Théo explained.
“You would do anything for her,” I responded, nodding in understanding.
“I would,” he confirmed. “I spent a very long time following the king’s orders even when I knew they were wrong.
It was eating at my soul, to hand away pieces of my morality.
I was not protecting the people I love, and I was not protecting Acsilla.
Innocents died because of my actions, because I chose the easy path. ”
“What changed?” I asked, desperate to hear how it ended. Hoping to see a piece of my story reflected in his.
“I decided to fight back, even if that meant condemning myself to life in the dungeons. It was no longer feasible for me to support an unjust king, as I am sure you understand, given your change of heart regarding the prince,” Théo continued.
He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts and drawing in a few slow breaths.
“Ayla is not like them. She was raised by them, yes, but she is better in every way. She is the light that will shine over this kingdom, and I will follow wherever she leads.”
The parallels between us were glaring. We had both followed the whims of unjust men. We had both severed those ties in the hopes of living a life for what was right instead of what was easy.
A painful understanding welled up in my chest. “We crossed paths plenty of times during my service to Claudian, and yours to the crown. I regret that we never had the chance to know one another.”
“As do I.” Théo rested his hand on my shoulder, squeezed once.
“Do you think it’s too late to change that?” My voice was quiet. I looked at Théo tentatively.
Théo smiled. “We both owe apologies for the choices we have made, but not to each other. I would be honored to seek forgiveness by your side.”
“Thank you.” The breath that escaped me was one of deep relief.
The door swung open, and Théo was called away again for one last council vote.
I was left alone in the sitting room. The chamber door closed with a resonant sound. My head tipped back against the armchair, velvet gliding against my hair, and my eyes drifted shut.
Sleep continued to come uneasily to me. Though all evidence of the treason and bloodshed that occurred had been wiped away, I was left unnerved and untrusting.
Something in my gut settled as I replayed Théo’s words in my head. The other man had a calming presence, one that instilled hope and trust. My faith in the princess had grown from that one conversation alone, and I no longer worried so much about Seren’s safety within the palace walls.
Nearly another hour had passed before the chamber door opened again. Seren and Ayla walked side by side as they emerged. They had been nearly inseparable the last few days. Théo followed closely behind while the other council members remained locked behind those heavy doors.
I rose as Seren approached. Her expression was troubled, overwhelmed. I gripped her shoulder in one large hand, thumb brushing against the soft skin of her neck.
Her eyes drifted to mine. “Can we talk somewhere private?”
My heart leapt at her words. It pattered to the tune of her anxiety, swirling amid my own. “Of course.”
Seren led me through the twisting hallways that were no longer unfamiliar. She pulled me inside her room, shutting the door behind us with a soft click. She paced for a few moments, drawing steadying breaths. Her hands wrung together.
“What is it, Ren? What’s the matter?” I asked. I itched to move closer—to comfort her—but she was on edge, and I did not wish to spook her.
“The council has made a decision.” She pressed her fingers to her mouth then pulled them away. “One I am not sure I agree with, but the decision was made nonetheless.”
I went to her, unable to keep my distance any longer. Strands of hair had been pulled from her braids as if she had been worrying at them. I turned her around and unraveled them, combing my fingers through the short lengths and beginning to plait them anew.
Seren leaned into my touch. She breathed in again and let the words out in a rush. “I am to be queen.”
My fingers stilled as my entire body stiffened. My stomach lurched into my throat, then dropped. “What?”
“I know,” she said quietly. “It should be Ayla. She is the one the kingdom knows—the one who has trained for the position. But she argued it should be me by birthright. The council was not in agreement, but in the end, it was her decision. She abdicated, Harkin."
“Is this what you want?” I convinced my hands to move, tying off the ends of her braids and turning her back to face me. I shoved down the rising fear and regret, clenched my fists tight at my sides.
Seren sighed, appearing younger and more vulnerable than I had ever seen her. “I don’t know… It was unexpected. I have only just arrived in Acsilla, and I have hardly mastered my powers. I don’t know if I’m capable of it.”
“You are,” I said firmly. “You are beyond capable. You can do absolutely anything, Ren, but you should only agree to this if it will make you happy. Do not do it because they tell you you must.”
She nodded slowly. I could see my words tumbling around her mind.
I drew her closer, sliding my arms around her waist. Her body pulled flush against mine, and I buried my head in her neck. Her arms tightened on me in return, and I sighed, a bittersweet sound.
I could feel it—the dream slipping away. The future I had only just allowed myself to imagine between the two of us would be forfeit if she accepted the role of queen. The council would never allow her to court a commoner, let alone the former mercenary of a treasonous prince.
I wanted to tell her to renounce the title, to choose me over the throne. I imagined taking her away to Villaz Silven, where I had grown up and where my family waited still.
But I did none of those things. I kept those hopes locked firmly inside.
The decision was hers, and it had to be made based on what she wanted. I would not interfere, no matter how badly I wanted to.
“I think I have to do this,” Seren whispered into my hair.
I felt the strands catching on her lips as she spoke, her fingers trailing along my spine.
I melted under her touch—if only for a moment.
“I know I am far better suited to the life of a soldier, but if Ayla will not lead, then I must. For the kingdom, and to provide Acsillans with a better life. It is for them, but it is also for me, a little bit. I came here to create change. Maybe this is how I am meant to do that.”
I blinked back the sting of tears welling behind my eyes. I squeezed her tightly then let go. “You will make an excellent queen.” I smiled at her because I meant the words—believed them so deeply—even if they hurt as much as they rang true.
“Thank you.” Her smile was bright—a little wobbly with nerves. She worried they had made the wrong decision, but I knew they had not. Seren had been raised in Ordelés. She had studied mágik and the customs of Acsilla.
She would become the bridge between our two kingdoms.
I would support her, even if we could never have more.
But, first, I needed some time to let go of my dreams for our future.
I knew I could only do so away from her tempting presence, so I said my next words, hoping she would understand.
“I need to visit my family in Villaz Silven. I think it is finally time I told them the truth of what I have done these past years to support us, and also to celebrate the end of that time in my life.”
Though I needed the time away from her, the words were true. I did owe my mother and sister an explanation and an apology for my absence and my mistakes. I missed them, and as Seren had once told me, it was not too late to fix our relationship. To be there now, even if I had not always been.
“How long will you be gone?” Seren asked, clasping my hand between hers. I stroked her fingers with my thumb.
“I’m not sure,” I replied, hoping she understood that this was not what I wanted, but it was what I needed.
She frowned, a slight tilt of her pink lips. “What if I need you?”
“If you need me, send word and I will come. I told you I will be by your side for as long as you desire it, and I meant that. I just need a little time.” My chest ached at the thought of her needing me and my not being there.
A single tear rolled down her cheek as she whispered a single word, “Alright.”
I caught it with my lips, brushing them softly over her cheekbone.
“Can I kiss you? Just one more time?” The words breathed out of me before I could muster the sense to stop them.
“Just one?” Seren’s voice was strained as she tilted her face even closer to mine.
“Yes,” I breathed.
She nodded against my jaw.
I took her face between my hands and lowered my mouth to hers.
The kiss was not so frenzied as the first time, fueled by adrenaline as it had been. This kiss was slow and warm and heartbreakingly soft. Heat crackled between us with mutual wanting, but it did not bode the start of something between us. It carried the distinct weight of a goodbye.
My hands tangled in her hair, pulling loose the braids I had only just woven.
Seren’s fingers dug into my back, trailing across my shoulder blades and down to the sensitive skin at my waist. I pressed her into the wall, for I needed to be closer, but I knew if I pushed her down upon the bed, we would not stop.
And I needed to stop—I needed to leave, but I needed her more.
“Please,” Seren gasped into my mouth as we began to move faster, hands slipping beneath clothes.
A groan escaped me, one hand pressed against the soft column of her throat.
The other gripped her hips, pinning our bodies together.
I tried to pull away, but I had never wanted anyone the way I wanted her.
I kissed the slant of her swollen mouth again slowly, softly—once, twice, and a third time.
I brushed my lips across her cheeks, her eyelids, the bridge of her nose.
My chest ached as I took a painful step back, letting her go despite everything in me that screamed to hold on to her forever.
“I have to go.” My voice was gruff with desire and disappointment.
“I know.” Seren pressed a hand to her heart like it might leap from her chest and follow me across the land if she didn’t hold it inside.
“Goodbye, Ren.” I could not quite meet her eye as I uttered the words. I knew if I lost myself in their depths, I would lose my will. I would fall to my knees before her.
“Stay,” she said, breathy and quick. She pressed her fingers to her mouth as if the words had slipped from her unbidden.
“Don’t, Seren. Don’t ask me to do that. Because, I will. I’ll do anything you ask, and it will tear me apart.” I felt like one raw, exposed nerve—frayed and hurting. Heartbroken at the sight of her beautiful face and her rolling tears.
“Harkin…”
“Goodbye, Ren.” Maybe if I said it again, I could convince myself that this was the right decision. Maybe I already knew nothing would ever be right without her.
Tears fell down both of our flushed faces as I walked backwards, leaving but never turning my back on her.
I saw the words—the goodbye—on her lips, but no sound came out.
A choked noise came from me as the door shut between us, and it was my turn to touch my chest.
Seren had not only been holding her own heart inside with the press of her hand, but mine too. Because, surely, this was what it felt like to leave your heart outside of your body. Raw and hollow, with only the memory of what could have been.