~ 3 ~ #2
“That’s an interesting question. I never felt naked, no.
I don’t think I allowed myself to feel vulnerable, necessarily, on the pitch either.
I mean, I left it all out there and everything I did was on full display but I guess I had a way of seeing myself as part of the team and not as an individual.
I tried to forget about the crowd, mostly.
You have to block everything out and focus.
But there were many times when they lifted us as a team and I was very aware of them and grateful for the support. ”
“So, it spurred you on?”
“I think it did, yes. But what about you, when you were on stage with your band? I’m guessing you might have felt those things.”
“Yep,” she laughed. “I might as well have been naked. Felt very vulnerable, still do, to be honest. I don’t particularly enjoy it. Not great for someone who makes music for a living.”
As we continued to walk along the beach, I felt like I was learning essential new information about someone who was going to become very important to me. It was crazy how strongly I felt this inner knowing that all this was somehow important.
“Is it stage fright?”
“Yep, terrible stage fright. I think there’s something inherently unnatural about standing up in front of thousands of people, at least for me.
It’s like my body takes over and is like, no, this is not safe.
With the band, we had to cancel some gigs because I was ill with anxiety in the end.
And back then, I was just figuring myself out.
I was in my early twenties. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. ”
“Who were you trying to be?”
“I was trying to be this demure pretty girl swanning around with the microphone while the boys let loose and played all the instruments. We thought it would look better on stage that way. More marketable.”
“Ouch. Who gave you that advice?”
“The record company. But we totally bought into it. The thing was, I couldn’t pull it off.”
“How do you mean?”
“Apparently, I didn’t smile enough, and my look didn’t work.
It was true. I didn’t know what to wear or what to say.
I was so awkward. One minute I’d be performing in a short skirt and trying to look sexy, and at the next gig I’d wear a tracksuit and tie my hair back like I was just back from the gym.
I did try to just be myself towards the end but all I felt was judged, ridiculed, and rejected.
I was a mess. The online comments really got to me.
I hadn’t realised I was that unattractive until I had the audacity to be in the public eye. ”
“That’s ridiculous. You’re very attractive,” I corrected her.
“Maybe it was just plain old-fashioned misogyny, I don’t know. The name-calling and hateful comments stuck the most. Fun times.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t believe how hard that must have been. Do you think some of it was also homophobic?”
“Absolutely it was. To be honest, it put me off writing music for the longest time. It’s taken me a long time to get to this place where I feel like I’m enjoying what I do and who I am again.”
“Are you still in touch with your bandmates?”
“Yep, we’re still friends. We’ve known each other since we were kids. We went to a specialist music school together. Oscar is gay too. He’s helped me so much over the years. Jacob is the soundest straight white guy you’ll ever meet. Very quiet and unassuming. Gentle.”
“They sound awesome.”
“There were tensions when we were in the band together though. I wrote the music. The boys wrote too but my stuff was always what our label wanted us to record. The problem was, I thought I had to write lyrics that would be appealing to most people rather than lyrics that meant something to me. Singing that shit started to really bug me. I had no idea who I was. I felt I had to be a certain way in order to be liked and to be successful. Sad, really.”
Rona’s whole demeanour deflated. It was like a shadow crossed her.
“I can see how that would have caused some misalignment with your friends and yourself.”
“We did our best. They’re both great musicians so it wasn’t easy on them either. The record company had us in a bind. I set the overall direction for the songs, and we collaborated on my inauthentic lyrics. I made sure we all got equal credits on the songs though.”
“That was very noble of you.” I made sure my family were financially secure once I started earning lots of money too. It was one of the first things I’d done with it all.
We made it to the opposite side of the beach and picked a spot. It was much quieter over here, but I spotted some people from last night in the distance.
I spread my towel on the sand next to Rona’s. We sat on our towels and watched the sea. Rona pulled a book out of her bag but didn’t open it. I tried not to notice the shape of her legs and the sand collecting in between her toes.
“Why did you guys stop? Was it because of your experience on stage?”
“It wasn’t just that, but it was a big factor given we kept having to cancel shows because of me. It was overwhelming for all of us in different ways. We needed a break and to try something new.”
“What did you guys do after the band?”
“I did a degree in sound engineering and audio technology. Jacob did his own solo thing and he’s really big in the electronic music scene.
Oscar had one very successful album but then he went off the rails a bit, partying too much, and hasn’t released anything since.
He struggles a bit with his mental health. ”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Do you see them often?”
“Yeah, quite often. Sometimes we hang out and spin old records together and Nell joins too. Oscar helps me in the studio sometimes. I’ll lend some vocals to Jacob’s new EDM tracks now and then. We’re very music orientated as a friend group. Always have been.”
“That’s lovely. And you’ve done amazingly well as a music producer. Making music for massive stars sounds like an amazing job.”
“It has its moments. I won the Mercury Prize for best producer in twenty-twenty-two and an Ivor Novello in twenty-twenty-three. Not gonna lie, they’re my proudest achievements.”
“Wow, that’s like the real deal.” I knew Rona was talented and successful, but it was fast dawning on me just how talented and successful she really was.
Rona gave me a small and humble smile to acknowledge my statement. “I’m very privileged to be a music producer. I love it. I mean, I didn’t dream of it when I was a kid but it’s good, you know.”
“What did you dream of?”
“I guess I wanted to have my own music career. I wanted to be a big star like Pink or something. I know, right? Can you imagine? I couldn’t be any different to her.
” Rona laughed. “Zero stage presence. Zero self-confidence. Hearing my stuff on the radio being performed by someone else though never feels quite right. But then I found out what being in the limelight was actually like so, I have it this way instead. It’s the best option I think. ”
I nodded, trying to work out if what Rona was saying was making her happy or not.
I sensed it wasn’t but didn’t feel like I knew her well enough yet to probe too much further.
“You’re obviously super talented. I feel like I’m in the presence of a musical genius here.
And you absolutely have stage presence.”
“Do you want to take a swim?” Rona said, after a while of sitting on our towels.
“Yeah!” I said this way too eagerly, even for me. I cleared my throat. “I mean, if you do?”
Rona laughed, gently, while getting to her feet. “I love your enthusiasm.”
She took her sunglasses off and put them in her bag before removing her top. Next came sliding her shorts down. Her army green bikini was exceedingly skimpy. I felt a pulsing between my legs.
“Are you coming in?” She looked down at me.
“Yep.” I threw my clothes off and stood, feeling good in myself even though it had been a late one last night full of endless food and drink.
As an athlete, I spent my life looking after my body and pushing it to its limits.
People often ogled me when I showed a lot of skin.
I was never that comfortable with it, but I had come to expect a highly positive reaction, in a way.
I folded my clothes and kicked my sandals off, tensing my abs, which was so silly.
Rona was already walking off towards the shoreline. “Come on, hot stuff.”
At that, I paused, kind of impressed. I liked a woman who wasn’t intimidated by me.
I followed her into the water, easily swimming out to where she was in the calm sea.
I’d spent a lot of time in pools doing physiotherapy over the years with my many injuries, and I had been fortunate enough to spend time at beaches like this since I went professional and could afford holidays.
The water gently lapped at my chin as I kicked my legs, enjoying the chance to be physical again for a moment.
I could still just about stand up. We floated and swam around for a while, staying close together. I felt very present.
“Do you hear that?” Rona said, floating on her back now.
“Hear what?”
“The sound of water. It’s almost rhythmic.”
I listened. All I could hear was normal seawater noises.
“I wish I had my phone to record it with.”
I looked over at our bags on the towels, considering going to get it for her.
“I left it at the villa. I’ll come back another time when it’s quiet like this.”
“Do you always think in musical terms like that?” I joined her floating on my back. Our fingers brushed under the water, causing a warm buzz to spread through me.
“I do, yes. You’d be amazed how many sounds from everyday life make it into my productions. I once put a sound of a car door being slammed shut into one of my tracks.”
“What was the song about?”
“It was about going on a long drive with all the different parts of yourself to process your emotions and make sense of things.”
“That’s so creative. I’d love to hear it, one day.”
“Sure.”
“Is that something you do often then? Going on long drives to work things out?”