~ 12 ~
Rona
Buzzing Lily in, I held onto the button for too long.
I never normally did that. I fixed my clothes one more time and tried to breathe normally, in and out.
I hadn’t seen her since Greece. The texts had been fun and sweet, but there was no substitute for seeing each other in person.
I scanned my flat, preparing for what Lily would see, trying to see it through her eyes.
Everywhere I looked there were books, records, musical instruments and photos of me and my friends over the years.
My Ivor Novello and Mercury Prize trophies took pride of place on my mantlepiece beside my beloved plants.
The flat smelled of carrot and ginger soup cooking on the stove.
I met her at the door and smiled. “Hey captain.”
Lily was wearing a white t-shirt and light denim jeans. Her hair was down and flowing around her shoulders. She looked very beautiful.
“Hey, Rona,” Lily said, her smile reaching her eyes.
We stepped into each other’s arms, as if it was the most natural thing to do. She smelled of lavender and fresh air. My heart pounded, holding her so close. For a second, the world stopped and I was transported back to Greece and our night together. I wanted to melt into her already.
“It’s so good to see you, Rona,” Lily said, smoothly, over my shoulder.
“You too, Lily,” I replied, softly.
Next thing I knew, she was inside my flat and looking around. “Wow, I love your place.”
“My flat is basically another music studio, I should warn you. I work mostly at my kitchen table, as you can see.”
One end of the table was covered in electrical equipment and wires I’d done my best to tidy. I hoped she didn’t think it was too messy.
I took her onto the balcony as it had views down the street and was where we were going to have lunch today. The space had a circular table and two chairs, with more plant pots and ornaments from various places I’d been in the world.
“It’s so cute out here. I love it.” Lily leant onto the railing.
“My favourite thing about this place is the rooftop. We sometimes have parties up there. It’s great in the summer. Very sociable.”
“I’d love to see that one day.”
Lily’s comment stirred something within me.
Seeing her in the flesh again and in my home was surreal.
I’d missed her. Maybe she didn’t feel the same as me though.
Lily had played it so casual since getting back.
No rush to meet up, just easy banter and a bit more getting to know each other via text.
Nothing concrete. She kept deflecting when I asked her what she was up to, preferring to talk about what cool shows or films I’d seen recently.
We ate lunch on the balcony and made mostly small talk about our families and the places we’d both lived in London.
I’d opened a bottle of white wine and we were already getting through it.
I still had the feeling Lily could get up and leave once it was over and never talk to me again despite her comment earlier.
She was a super famous footballer, if not the face of the modern women’s game, and here she was sitting with me on my tiny balcony having some soup.
Lily dabbed the side of her mouth with her napkin before folding it and placing it on the table. “Did you study music?”
“Yeah. I went to school for it. I studied classical, and contemporary. It was at the Royal Academy of Music.”
“That’s so impressive. How many instruments do you play?”
“Um, let’s see.” I looked off to the side as I counted. “I suppose it depends what you count as separate instruments, but nine or ten, perhaps.”
“Ten! That’s incredible. Which ones?”
“Piano, guitar, double-bass – so also bass guitar – violin although not very well, drums, keyboard, decks – and yes I do consider them an instrument, and the harmonica, how many was that? Oh, also, the oboe, but I haven’t played that in years.
I sing so you could count vocals as another.
I also use a mixing desk while I’m producing and work with software.
To be honest, I count anything as an instrument.
Sound is all around us. All I do is harness it. ”
“That’s incredible. You’re like a genius.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“Did you listen back to your sounds from Greece?”
“I did. They’re so good. I’ll show you in a bit, if you want?”
“Yes please.”
I sipped my wine, trying to focus on our conversation and not on the memories of when we had sex which kept popping into my head.
Didn’t she think about it too? Lily had hardly said a word about our night together.
It was starting to drive me a little mad but was probably only making me fancy her more.
“So you always wanted to be a musician?”
I nodded.
“When did you know?”
“When I was about four or five. It’s one of my earliest memories.
I was watching MTV or some music video, banging the back of some pots and pans and singing along with a hairbrush.
I remember pointing at the screen and telling my mum I was going to do that one day.
I saw myself on telly singing my heart out to my own song. ”
“What was the video?” Lily leaned forwards on the small table. She was so close to me I could see the flecks in her eyes.
“‘Head Over Feet’ by Alanis Morissette.”
Lily got out her phone and somehow managed to find and play it within seconds.
“You loved this at four or five?”
“I was an intense child.”
Lily laughed gently, her eyes teasing and sparkling. She increased the pitch of her voice and sang along for a bit. She managed to get a couple of notes correct.
I laughed. “You’re a natural.”
She tilted her head to the side. “I can just picture you as a little kid singing along and spinning in circles like Alanis.”
“I’ve never told anyone that before.”
Lily smiled, her eyes crinkling at the sides and lighting up her whole face. “Your secret’s safe with me.”
“Speaking of television, I saw you on TV.”
She leant back. “Did you?”
“You were brilliant. You spoke very well. My favourite part was when you said someone had a lot of touches in the box.”
Lily laughed. “Cheers. The BBC asked me to come back for another three matches. Apparently, my appearance was quite well received. There could be a regular role for me.”
“Wow, how do you feel about that? Is it something you want to do?”
Lily wobbled her head. “I enjoyed it and I’ll probably keep doing it for a bit, but I’m still considering my options.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well,” Lily scratched the side of her head. “I’m not sure if it’s what I want to do long term. It’s hard to be around the football world in this new way where I’m not playing. It doesn’t feel like me.”
I considered what she was saying for a few moments. “Do you mind if I share an observation with you?”
She shook her head.
“Obviously I’ve only known you since you retired but it seems to me like you are grieving the loss of your career and your way of life.
You loved playing and were hugely successful.
I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to be comfortable with the fact that you’re finding this new stage of your life hard but I think it’s understandable you’re struggling with it.
Change is hard. Take your time with it all, you know?
There’s no rush to get to the next thing. ”
Lily leaned forward on the little table again. I preferred it when she was close like this. “Maybe I am grieving it. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” She was quiet for a moment. “Sometimes I feel like I need to prove myself in a totally new field.”
“Why?”
“I’ve always felt like I had more to offer than just playing football.
I’ve excelled at it and it has given me a life I’m so grateful for.
I’m beyond lucky. But I have more to give.
Maybe I should stay away from it for a while.
I mean, it’s all I know and I do love it.
God, I’m a mess right now.” Lily shook her head, as if frustrated by herself.
Lily was opening up to me. I wanted to help her in any way I could. “Who do you need to prove anything to?”
Lily took a deep breath in, and slowly exhaled. “To my parents. My family. They’re all doctors. They think I’m the stupid one. They’ve never said that, of course, but I feel their judgement. Probably to myself though too. I have all this energy and it doesn’t seem to go anywhere now.”
“I don’t think you have anything to prove to anyone, Lily. You’d be a success at anything you put your mind to. You’re clever, insightful, passionate, hard-working, and you speak well. People listen to you.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Just my observations.”
Lily smiled. “Thanks, Rona, that’s kind.”
I did something new for me and reached out and held her hand.
Her skin was so soft. I squeezed it and smiled.
We held each other’s eyes. The connection fizzed right up my arm, settling somewhere in my core.
I was taken right back to the last night in Greece and all the things we did with each other.
Lily spoke again. “It’s weird not knowing what your future is going to be when you’re not quite free of your old life and you’ve not quite entered your new one either.
It’s like I’m stuck inside a transition.
It’s like my whole identity has been taken away and now I don’t know who I am anymore. So I drink and watch Netflix.”
“Here, wait, can you say that again, I think it’s beautiful and I want to record it.” I went into the flat to get my recorder.
When I came back, Lily looked confused.
“You want to record me?”
“Would that be okay?”
“What would you use it for?”
“I might put it in a song. But I would change the pitch so it wouldn’t be obvious it was you. I wouldn’t share it without your permission. I make loads of songs just for myself.”
Lily considered it. “Sure, that sounds fine. To be honest I’m honoured you thought of it.”
I smiled. She was so humble. “Okay, go.” I pressed record.
“I can’t remember what I said now.”
“You were talking about being in transition. About losing your identity.”