~ 25 ~ #2
I spent the afternoon going over and over my set with Nell, so that every single moment was rehearsed and special.
We were only going to be on stage for an hour so there was no time to waste.
Our equipment was with the festival in line to be setup at the appropriate time.
The festival ran a tight ship, and we had to hand the reins over to them.
We’d brought some spare kit to warm up with.
My hands shook on the keyboard whenever I pictured being in front of so many people.
When it happened. I stopped playing and just breathed, trying not to think about it.
I wanted to be here, and it was a dream opportunity to share my songs with people who liked them and live out my childhood dreams.
Compared to where I was ten years ago or even last month, I liked myself a whole lot better now. It didn’t matter if I got rejected anymore. I had so much love in my life and for myself these days. My therapy was helping and I was a journalling ninja. Loving myself was all that mattered in the end.
I knew that now.
We could hear one of the stages from where we were rehearsing and there were televisions showing the live feed being broadcast to the whole of the UK on BBC iPlayer. My family were all going to be watching. I was trying not to think about that either. This all felt so surreal.
The acts on before us were amazing, and I really wanted to be out in the crowd enjoying the festival like everyone else.
Lily had stayed with us the entire time.
Her calm and steading presence was like a drug to me today, and it was helping.
I think she knew, and that’s why she stayed so close.
By five, we were as ready as we could possibly be.
“You could perform this set in your sleep by now, Rona. I really believe it,” Nell said.
Lily nodded, sitting beside me with one arm resting on my thigh.
“I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.
I wasn’t even into dance music before and now I finally get it because of you.
Emotional dance music mixing in all the different elements like hip-hop and spoken word and samples and snippets from these other songs literally blows my fucking mind.
I have no idea how you can create something like this with your brain, Rona.
Do you realise how special you are? Do you fucking realise how much people are going to love this when you play it out there live? I can’t wait.”
Nell and I froze. Lily had been quiet for hours. It was like Lily had burst open, saying what she really meant and she hadn’t held back.
“Sorry. I said too much.” Lily placed her hand over her mouth. “I’m supposed to be quiet and supportive. I apologise.”
I let Lily’s words in and did my best to believe them. “No, I love it. Thanks.” I leant over and kissed her on the cheek.
“You’re like the spark of electricity jump starting this machine,” Nell said to Lily.
I stood and stretched my arms up and did a mountain pose before going into warrior two then downward dog. I finished with a lunge and then a cobra. It felt so good allowing my body to move and the energy to shift through me. Life was all about energy, in many ways.
“Hi,” a voice called behind us. “Can I interrupt you for a second?”
It was Flavia, my favourite client and the headline act for tonight. “Hello! Yeah, of course, thanks, come in.”
She floated up to us, the picture of music royalty in her backwards snapback and oversized jersey, rocking her more casual festival look. She took off her sunglasses. “It looks like you guys are getting in the zone in here. I can feel the energy. It’s powerful.”
Lily and Nell both stood there frozen to the spot, their jaws hanging loose.
“Um, yeah, we were just rehearsing and having a chat,” I said.
“I do yoga before my shows too. I didn’t know we had that in common.” She smiled her winning smile.
“Great minds think alike, so they say,” Oscar said.
I’d worked with a lot of stars as a producer, but something about Flavia was true class.
“Nah, Rona’s mind is the greatest. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be here today. She saved my career.”
I shook my head.
“And before you can say you didn’t, I just want to say I’m so stoked you’re doing your own thing now and I can’t wait to see your set. I’m going to be watching at the side. I love your new album, honestly. I’ve had it on repeat. You’ve inspired me to get back into the studio already.”
Speechless didn’t even begin to cover it. I stared back at her.
Nell gave me a look with the widest eyes.
“Wow. That’s great to hear.”
“You’re sweet.” She looked at Lily, appraisingly. “Nice to meet you, Lily. You two are such a hot couple. You do the lesbians proud.”
“I thought the same,” Nell said, smiling.
“Hi, and you’re Rona’s music partner. You have such a powerful and energetic stage presence, dude. I saw a clip of you both playing at Brixton.”
“Thank you, that means a lot coming from you. And nice to meet you. It’s so cool you came in!” Nell beamed.
“Yeah, thank you so much. We really appreciate it,” I said.
“I know we just worked together,” Flavia addressed me, “but I would love it if we could put something out together as a collab. Like, for real. Would you be up for that?”
“I’d be so up for that.”
“Brilliant! I’ll be in touch!”
“I’ll look forward to it, cheers!”
She left after that. We all watched her glide away as if we’d been touched by magic itself.
“She’s so nice,” Nell said.
“She’s lovely. I can’t believe she wants to do a collab together.”
Lily threw up her hands. “I can absolutely believe it. Rona when are you going to realise that you have a talent? When the two of you get up there, it’s magic.
She sees it, that’s why she wants to work with you again.
” Lily’s hands were on her hips as if she was giving us a pep talk before a match, which wasn’t that far from what was happening.
Lily went on. “This is your moment, Rona. Not to pressure you but to remind you. Enjoy it. Because you’ve earned this. Now go give those people the best fucking hour of their life!”
“Yes, ma’am!” Nell sang.
I gave Lily a hug, holding her so close, nuzzling my face into her neck. “You ignite something in me.”
“Told you,” Nell said.
“I mean, you did captain England for years and you are a motivational giant. You’ve got me all revved up now and I think Nell is about to burst with excitement. Thank you.”
“Happy to help. Now you guys go smash it.” Lily was still in the leader zone as she hugged me back like a fellow player about to get out on the pitch and kick some ass, arms up around my shoulders.
“I thought we were going to get some food first?” Nell said.
“Food first!” Lily led the way.
Nell and I followed her out of the artists’ tent.
I thought about being on stage in a few hours and for the first time, my hands didn’t shake.
***
I was on in sixty seconds. The crowd was packed so far back, I couldn’t believe it.
The shake in my hand was back. It wasn’t that common to get a predominantly dance act to play at this slot.
The crowd were showing that there was an appetite for this sort of music this high up the billing at a major festival, not just tucked away in an obscure tent with the ravers.
Plus I was mixing melodies in with huge beats.
I walked onto the stage to a roaring cheer. The power of it nearly stopped me in my tracks. It went on and on so long, I had time to look at Nell and express my surprise to her.
She smiled back and ran her hands through her short hair as if to say, let’s get going.
Standing in the centre of the stage, I picked up my guitar and readied myself. There were no lyrics to my first song, only guitar chords. I’d written this as an introduction to the album, a mood setter, and people seemed to like it.
I played the first notes, as planned, which sent another huge cheer around the festival.
I got goosebumps. My album had only been out for a short time yet so many people seemed to know it and love it already.
They’d taken it to their hearts. All I wanted to do was connect with them and get out of my own head.
I was on stage with a full crowd in front of me, looking at me, expecting me to perform.
Lily, Oscar, Jacob and Flavia were on the platform at the side of the stage.
Vicky, Mathilde, Bouchra and Kaira were in the audience somewhere.
I’d got everyone tickets and I couldn’t wait to spend time with everyone all together after the show, including Flavia, who had arrived at the last minute, still buzzing from her own set on another stage she’d just finished.
She’d come straight over, saying that my set was going to be one of the highlights of the whole festival and that she was so excited to see me do my own stuff.
I appreciated it. All of their strength and support helped me so much and kept me grounded.
I finished my guitar solo to a huge cheer. It warmed me up but my neck and jaw were still tense. I was so exposed up here in a simple sleeveless t-shirt and jeans. I was comfortable in how I looked now but there was nothing star-like about me.
I played the next song and sang into the microphone at the right bits but inside, everything came flooding back: about the set not going well all those years ago, feeling so rejected, the online hate.
How lost I’d felt. Everything I’d been through over the past ten years to get me back here and enjoying making music more than ever flashed across my mind, too.
Struggling to stay present, I was meant to address the crowd, but I couldn’t speak. I started the next track and Nell looked at me like what the fuck?
I played the song after that, perfectly, but inside I was spiralling. I loved the set I’d put together but even that couldn’t quell the tremors in my body.
I picked up the microphone as everything went quiet but nothing came out. I covered my face, wanting to cry or to bolt. I couldn’t even look at Nell.